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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was I wrong to have sex with his mate?

196 replies

rainbowdashsneeze · 20/03/2021 11:07

I have recently come out of a LTR, I was left with no warning or any kind of indication that we was unhappy. Anyway fast forward 2 weeks and I have been on a rollercoaster ride with ex partner he has gone from being madly in love with me to being cold and nasty and is totally rewriting history. Any way I have spent that past 2 weekends at my brothers house he has been amazing in helping me... well this week his best friend has messaged me a couple of times this week abs after a few too many beers last night I had sex with him. The sex was good sex! But my brother has absolutely gone off the scale mental at me? He doesn't want me back at the house, he doesn't want to speak to me he wasn't nothing to do with me because I have broke the code!!! He is also equally pissed if not more so with his best friend.

What do I do? AIBU did I break a code? I really don't know if I have done something mortally wrong or not. I just see it as a bit of fun with a friend I have knowing for 20+ years

OP posts:
hannahmontanna1 · 21/03/2021 12:11

@Whoscoatsthatjacket

Some weird responses here. I’m a grown woman and I’ll have sex with whoever I like. What difference does it make that it’s my brothers friend??
Well for those of us in the real world (who are able to maintain good relationships with those we aren’t actually fucking!) there are boundaries you don’t cross, one of the reasons is to not complicate relationships with the person you’re close with.

Would you have sex with your best friend’s ex, or your sister’s ex husband as they’re “fair game?” Most well-adjusted people would be vigilant of their friend’s/sibling’s feelings and not go there.

Likewise, OP & the brother’s mate sleeping together has changed the dynamics of their relationships with the brother. He’ll inevitably get stuck in middle if it all goes wrong, perhaps with the expectation that he chooses either OP or his mate down the line.

Mabelene · 21/03/2021 12:34

‘Code’ is ridiculous but also not using a condom. Morning after pill and std check are in order here

Shortiemyboo · 21/03/2021 12:35

Your brother is being ridiculious

WombatChocolate · 21/03/2021 12:39

Same as before, OP is free to what she wants. She is perfectly entitled to end a relationship and have an unprotected one-night stand with whoever she wants at any point. The Covid thing probably makes this illegal at the moment, but few people seem to be bothered about this.

She can do what she wants. When you come on MN a and ask for opinions about what you’ve been up to, you will get a range of views. People speak about there not being room for judgement, but when you ask for comments on things you’ve done,of course you will get them and not everyone will say ‘yes great, what you did was perfect’

There’s often a difference between what you CAN do and what might be the best course of action in many circumstances. I really don’t think it is true to say that in all situations, all options are equally good and they are all neutral and just a matter of choice. As others say, many have made choices like the OP did at some point in their life and others might have never done that. All of us at some point in our lives have made choices which we were free to make, but which we ourselves perhaps look back on and wish we hadn’t, or maybe we don’t have that feeling of regret at all, but others wouldn’t think the choice we chose was best.

Overall, OP made a choice and did something some people on MN would have done and something lots wouldn’t have. Most people agree it was her choice to do what she wanted. She did ask for opinions though....and I don’t think you can ask and then only accept or be willing to tolerate answers which say you did the right thing. And that goes too for others who join the thread....there isn’t just one view and AIBU is a discussion and nearly always prompts a range of views.

My personal view is that OP is in a hard place at the moment and pretty vulnerable. Her relationship break up has been really difficult for her and she has been living with her brother and not in her own home and she’s a bit all over the place. I have huge sympathy. Of course she was feee to have sex with whoever she wanted in this period, but her choices have complicated what is already a tricky situation for her. That doesn’t mean she had no right to do it or her brother had any right to tell her she shouldn’t have, but at the same time, many will wonder if things like this are a big help for her current circumstances and attempts to get back on an even keel. Context does remain important. Choices that in some contexts would seem fine and simply a matter of choice without much consequence, can be very different in an altered context. The context here is one of being vulnerable having just come out of a relationship and also being in a pandemic. Context is so important.

Suywat · 21/03/2021 12:45

There is no code. Good sex is first priority. Who cares! You go girl! Coooorrrr

Nanny0gg · 21/03/2021 12:47

@Aprilx

It is a bit yuk yes.
Why?

People often meet partners because they're friends of their brothers or sisters

tiredmum2468 · 21/03/2021 13:09

You slept with your brothers best mate and your brother has gone out his way to help you

I'm not surprised he's gone off the scale

That's disgusting

"After a few too many beers"

We're in a pandemic - social distancing does not involve shagging your brothers best mate

I'd be livid
You need to have a word with yourself

yearinyearout · 21/03/2021 13:09

Well aside from the fact your had unprotected sex with a random bloke in a pandemic, it's not really any of your brother's business.

RedcurrantPuff · 21/03/2021 13:11

@OverByYer

How old are you all? You sound quite immature
This
Troublewaters2021 · 21/03/2021 13:13

Ah I have a baby with by brothers best friend 😂
My brother was a bit akward when he first found out we were sleeping with one another but I mean he didn’t cut us off and got over it !

ElderMillennial · 21/03/2021 13:32

You sound irresponsible.

You are staying with your brother and then going to his friend's house and having sex. Are you in the UK? If so you shouldn't have been going there at all.

goldielockdown2 · 21/03/2021 13:37

We still have a long way to go as shown by the many attitudes shown here suggesting that female bodies are still very much objectified, public property and behaviour is something to be judged with no shame whatsoever. The entitlement of some of the questions asked...'did you wear a condom?', 'did you like it'...what is it to anyone else unless 1.) you're a pervert who wants to picture all the details or 2.) you're hoping her responses will open her up to MORE judgement.

May17th · 21/03/2021 13:39

@WorraLiberty

I couldn't care less if my brother had sex with my best friend

But how does your brother know it happened?

Exactly that is the issue I would of denied it!
May17th · 21/03/2021 13:41

@ElderMillennial

You sound irresponsible.

You are staying with your brother and then going to his friend's house and having sex. Are you in the UK? If so you shouldn't have been going there at all.

Ohhh gosh. The Covid sex police.

Perhaps OP social distanced and wore a mask Grin

AlreadyDoneHadHerses · 21/03/2021 13:49

You can't liken this to sleeping with your best friend's or sister's ex. The emotional bond would be a lot stronger here ( you and your friend/ sister would both have slept with that person). Not the same thing at all.

Interesting to see that some posters think that some of us are completely cool about this situation and even cheering OP on.
No.
Some of us get why the brother is finding this weird. We also agree that it wasn't the wisest decision in the world, for a variety of reasons.
But we don't go " eww/ yuck" or " OMG you are so irresponsible what is wrong with you woman!".
Maybe we are the ones in the real world, where people fuck up.

AlreadyDoneHadHerses · 21/03/2021 13:52

[quote goldielockdown2 ]We still have a long way to go as shown by the many attitudes shown here suggesting that female bodies are still very much objectified, public property and behaviour is something to be judged with no shame whatsoever. The entitlement of some of the questions asked...'did you wear a condom?', 'did you like it'...what is it to anyone else unless 1.) you're a pervert who wants to picture all the details or 2.) you're hoping her responses will open her up to MORE judgement. [/quote]
Yup. So much for female solidarity. If a man so much as comments on his partner's appearance, MN shouts LTB.
But women putting down other women?
All good. It's just a discussion, just honest opinions, right?

OldEvilOwl · 21/03/2021 14:03

why would you even tell your brother? none of his business

ElderMillennial · 21/03/2021 14:07

@May17th For some people covid is a genuine concern and maybe if more people would take it seriously there would be fewer people who have lost their lives in this country because of it.

May17th · 21/03/2021 14:11

@ElderMillennial that doesn’t give someone a right to nit pick does it? I know what your saying but it’s like some cannot wait to get on the moral high ground....

Just because some of us haven’t mentioned it we are aware of the pandemic OP has done it now and really @Mabelene has an excellent point that is what is most important. Covid does not trump everything

ElderMillennial · 21/03/2021 14:14

@May17th My comments on this thread are as valid as yours and I'm not going to have an argument with you about it so won't reply to you again. My point was that this could have been partly why her brother was also annoyed given she was staying with him (I think) and so relevant to the OP.

May17th · 21/03/2021 14:17

@ElderMillennial I’m not arguing Confused I replied back to your tagg. I even agreed with you. Don’t be sensitive. If you don’t want a response don’t go around tagging in a debate. At NO point did I say your comment was invalid..

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