Friend stood me up but says it's my fault. Is it?

[Somethingkindaoooo]

Hi
My friend and I go through periods where we go for a walk in the morning ( 5.30am)

We just started up again- went once and then made plans to do it again the next day. We agreed via text that we wouldn't go if it was pouring with rain.

Next morning, I got up ( 10 mins before the meet time) get dressed and go to her house and wait outside. She lives very close. All lights are off, no movement. I wait. I didn't want to knock due to the time.
I'm not in the habit of bringing my phone with me, so I finally go home and pick up my phone.

She had WhatsApp d me before 5 to see if I was up. I turn my phone wifi off at night, and didnt check it before I went to meet her.
I then replied that i hadn't been up then,but i did go to meet her.
She replied with laughing emojis and said she went back to bed 5 mins before we were to meet.
I pointed out that she went back to bed 5 mins before our meeting time.

She then said that I should have replied to her text. The one asking if I was up ( sent 40 mins before our meeting time)

As the message was sent via WhatsApp, she could see that the message wasn't received on my end ( wifi off).
And she did not ever say that she was cancelling.

So
YABU - me not receiving a message is a clear indication I wasn't going to show

YANBU - she stood me up and is trying to blame me.

If it matters, she has cancelled at short notice/ slept through about 3 of the last 5 times.
I've slept through once.
I do understand that she may not have slept well, and decided not to get up. My beef is that she never ever cancelled. Messaging ' are you up?' At 4.50 am is not the same as saying that she changed her mind.

Entirely your fault and lesson learnt for you. Check your phone before you set off. People like you annoy Me - too good to take a second to check their phones/ greater than anyone because they don't need to reply to messages.

@DavidsSchitt

No, I wasnt trying to test my friend!

We meet at that time because that is when it fits into her schedule. I would prefer later.
I don't have my WiFi on or my data.
I've explained- I like to switch off from the world when I go to bed.
If there is a genuine emergency ( family etc), people know to ring the landline.

Although I'm beginning to think people are going to pile on because I have a land line....

In any case, as she lives so close, it's hardly a great big deal, is it? It's not like you had to go miles out of your way or to any great inconvenience.

I would have checked my phone first and sent a reply, yes I'm up, you still want to meet? When she answered yes, then I would have left the house. Things change e.g. lack of sleep, feeling ill, had bad news etc so always best to check beforehand.

I think YABU - your message didn't deliver so it was very fair to assume that 5 minutes before the meeting time you were still asleep and she might as well go back to bed. It's common sense to check your phone on waking, especially for you have early plans (and to take it with you when venturing out in the dark also). Had you replied when you wine she'd have seen it

[quote Somethingkindaoooo]@DavidsSchitt

No, I wasnt trying to test my friend!

We meet at that time because that is when it fits into her schedule. I would prefer later.
I don't have my WiFi on or my data.
I've explained- I like to switch off from the world when I go to bed.
If there is a genuine emergency ( family etc), people know to ring the landline.

Although I'm beginning to think people are going to pile on because I have a land line....[/quote]

We'll switch back on when you wake up if you have plans to meet someone then!

@RootyT00t Not sure why you felt the need to wade in there

Maybe your patronising post

Enjoy your weekend...

So what if she'd thrown up all night. Would you still be cross with her?

You haven't explained why you can't turn your WiFi in as soon as you wake up? You say you normally take your phone but forgot, so this is the action that resulted in the problem, not her.

People on here are nut, OP.

The idea that you are at fault for not being attuned to your phone is absurd. Whatever happened to making an appointment and keeping it?

You met the terms of your agreement and your friend failed. She could have checked to see if you were out there, opened her door and said "I'm not up to it, sorry." That's what a civilized person would do for a friend.

She sounds like an inconsiderate asshole.

@dontdisturbmenow

So what if she'd thrown up all night. Would you still be cross with her?

You haven't explained why you can't turn your WiFi in as soon as you wake up? You say you normally take your phone but forgot, so this is the action that resulted in the problem, not her.

Why should she?? We all aren't dependent on our phones as the only way to operate in life.

Friend should have opened her front door and spoken in person to the OP. Instead she sent a vague message that didn't even directly cancel, at a time the OP was likely to still be sleeping.

@dontdisturbmenow

lots of us, we are not all glued to our phone at all time Which is fine but you can't then go complain that you missed a communication that was important to you.

the friend wasn't informing her of a change of plan though, was she?

It just sounds like some wires were crossed. It’s not really anything to get worked up about?

Well, I guess I'm clearly out of touch/ old fashioned.

*We had arranged it the night before
*She knows I don't keep my phone on at night, and don't turn on until the morning

If she had messaged to say ' you haven't replied, so I'm going back to bed' then it would be fine.
She hadn't cancelled though!

I'm going off to ponder how much the world has changed.....
🤣

@Graffitiqueen

Why on earth would you not check your phone before going to meet someone? YABU

Maybe because like many of us she expects people to keep their word when making appointments.

Why don't you just mute your phone?

It's unusual to switch Wi-Fi off at night.

YABU. if I messaged my friend at that time and they didn’t reply I would presume they weren’t awake and would go back to sleep myself.

"We meet at that time because that is when it fits into her schedule."

It doesn't though does it? You said yourself this has happened the majority of times.

Therefore, it's not a solid or regular arrangement and it's a clear possibility it would fall through. If you're going to get so worked up about it then save yourself the hassle and simply check your phone

I'm team @Somethingkindaoooo it was arranged 7 hours previously. Sadly we live in a world where mobiles have made us so flaky that every arrangement is debater right up until the last 5 mins

"If she had messaged to say ' you haven't replied, so I'm going back to bed' then it would be fine.
She hadn't cancelled though!"

So it's fine as long as she uses specific wording as dictated by you?

It's just a dumb misunderstanding, laugh about it and check your phone next time. This level of overthinking on your part tells me you have some sort of problem with your friend or some sort of resentment that you need to sort out.

If she had messaged to say ' you haven't replied, so I'm going back to bed' then it would be fine.
She hadn't cancelled though!

But the outcome would have been the same as you didn't check the message anyway/

[quote Somethingkindaoooo]@RootyT00t
Someone who forgot to grab it!!!
She lives only a few houses away.

And ( to pp) I didn't knock because there are other people who live at her house.

But you know, this has made me think....

I would normally be able to brush this off as a misunderstanding/ poor communication, which it is.
My phone habits are different to here- she does tend to switch on,/ be connected to her phone much more than I do.

There have been other issues, and actually, I think those are the issues that have made me prickly.[/quote]
Don't make it about the walk, if there are other issues that are problematic talk about those. Otherwise you risk have a huge dispute about phones/cancelling/laughing emojis when really there is an underlying issue that is making this event a focus. If the friendships is worth keeping - allow your friend to answer to the real source of your upset and see if you can accept what she says and move on.

@Somethingkindaoooo

I turn WiFi off at night because my family all live in another part of the world. I don't want to be disturbed by the phone pinging.

If she would have said that she is going back to bed, it honestly would not have been an issue. I would have taken it on the chin that I didn't check my phone.

I'm upset because she didn't cancel. The WhatsApp message was sent 40 mins before, so why WOULD I be up at that time? And she could see it wasn't received.

We have joked about rolling out of bed to go on the walk, but I wouldn't assume that she would know my morning habits.

Again- the cancelling wouldn't have bothered me, and if she HAD cancelled, and messaged me, it WOULD have been my fault for not checking!
She never cancelled.

Why are you walking at 5.30am? What is the reason?

@IsadoraQuagmire

It takes one second to put your phone on silent, isn't that what most people do at night?

This

Yeah this ones on you. Even if she had cancelled or assumed you weren't awake so cancelled, you'd not have known about it until after as you hadn't checked or brought your phone.