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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend stood me up but says it's my fault. Is it?

313 replies

Somethingkindaoooo · 20/03/2021 09:47

Hi
My friend and I go through periods where we go for a walk in the morning ( 5.30am)

We just started up again- went once and then made plans to do it again the next day. We agreed via text that we wouldn't go if it was pouring with rain.

Next morning, I got up ( 10 mins before the meet time) get dressed and go to her house and wait outside. She lives very close. All lights are off, no movement. I wait. I didn't want to knock due to the time.
I'm not in the habit of bringing my phone with me, so I finally go home and pick up my phone.

She had WhatsApp d me before 5 to see if I was up. I turn my phone wifi off at night, and didnt check it before I went to meet her.
I then replied that i hadn't been up then,but i did go to meet her.
She replied with laughing emojis and said she went back to bed 5 mins before we were to meet.
I pointed out that she went back to bed 5 mins before our meeting time.

She then said that I should have replied to her text. The one asking if I was up ( sent 40 mins before our meeting time)

As the message was sent via WhatsApp, she could see that the message wasn't received on my end ( wifi off).
And she did not ever say that she was cancelling.

So
YABU - me not receiving a message is a clear indication I wasn't going to show

YANBU - she stood me up and is trying to blame me.

If it matters, she has cancelled at short notice/ slept through about 3 of the last 5 times.
I've slept through once.
I do understand that she may not have slept well, and decided not to get up. My beef is that she never ever cancelled. Messaging ' are you up?' At 4.50 am is not the same as saying that she changed her mind.

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/03/2021 13:40

lots of us, we are not all glued to our phone at all time

Why do phone haters on MN always go so over the top? The language is always around people being glued to their phones; why are they so obsessed with ‘staring at a screen’? ‘What did they do before we had phones? We used to manage!’

I honestly don’t think glancing at your phone before going out means you are glued to it. You can even take it out without having to look at it the entire time, or at all - the idea is you have it if you need it.

Maybe because like many of us she expects people to keep their word when making appointments.

I also expect this. But I also know people get ill, miss buses, break down, get stuck on delayed trains, have to work late unexpectedly... it’s not a great imposition to look at a phone and check.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 20/03/2021 13:43

I don't think anyone was at fault as such, just a misunderstanding type thing..

peardrops1 · 20/03/2021 13:45

YABU. Check your damn phone, woman!

JackieTheFart · 20/03/2021 13:45

She IBU, and you are a bit too. I get that she was probably waiting for you to say yes you’re up to force herself out of bed - but why would you be 40 minutes before your usual time?

Because she can’t be honest that she didn’t want to get up she sent you an ambiguous text and now is being pass agg about it.

You should have checked your phone however, and as you say she’s let you down before I don’t know why you wouldn’t.

JackieTheFart · 20/03/2021 13:46

It’s not ‘double checking’ when you haven’t done the first check. It’s just ‘checking’.

ExponentiallyDepleted · 20/03/2021 13:50

I'm with those who think you should have checked your phone especially as she has let you down before. You can put it on automatic Do Not Disturb overnight so you don't have to turn off wifi, data etc, emergency calls will still get through and your messages will be visible.

zingally · 20/03/2021 13:51

It seems very weird to not check you phone prior to going out to meet someone, even in the early hours.
Anything could have happened at her end, to cause her to bail. A poorly child, a bad nights sleep, feeling ill herself.

I think it's a "shrug, and try again some other time" situation. But if it becomes more hassle than it's worth, just stop doing it.

LoveIsAllThereIs · 20/03/2021 13:53

I think of all the issues in the world this really isn't one of them. Agree to text before meeting going forward. Issue solved

DianaT1969 · 20/03/2021 14:02

I say this genuinely. I really wish I had your problems. Swap?

knittingaddict · 20/03/2021 14:03

@Sn0tnose

Both of you are at fault. She should have text you rather than message you through WhatsApp and you should have checked your phone, especially because it was a conditional arrangement and she’s slept through a few times before.
Why? If someone sent me a text there's a good chance that I would never see it. I always see my whatsapp messages.
PigletJohn · 20/03/2021 14:04

"I didn't want to knock due to the time."

you should have rung or knocked.

BadNomad · 20/03/2021 14:04

If I was your friend I would have assumed you not replying to my text meant you'd slept in again (you admit you've done this before) and therefore no need to cancel because the walk wasn't going to happen. Any normal person would have checked their phone to make sure nothing had changed overnight.

Had she actually been planning to cancel or was she just wanting to see if you definitely wanted to go and hoping you'd say no? I do that Grin

thecatandthevicar · 20/03/2021 14:06

@DianaT1969

I say this genuinely. I really wish I had your problems. Swap?
life can't be that bad if you can waste time on silly thread on MN Grin
Itsokthanks · 20/03/2021 14:07

Yanbu if she wanted to be sure you saw the message she should've text rather than WhatsApp.

Mummyozzi · 20/03/2021 14:14

A 5:30am walking commitment is a tough one. Friendships are fragile and you both just need to develop a better system
and communication skills - don't be hard on her or yourself.

Original poster
Somethingkindaoooo · 20/03/2021 14:17

@JackieTheFart

It’s not ‘double checking’ when you haven’t done the first check. It’s just ‘checking’.
But we had.... 7 hours before!
OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 20/03/2021 14:21

What the fuck?
The OP is "at fault" for showing up at the agreed-upon time and place?
A truly bizarre attitude
Re-read the post, I said not at fault for showing up!

Original poster
Somethingkindaoooo · 20/03/2021 14:23

@PigletJohn

"I didn't want to knock due to the time."

you should have rung or knocked.

And wake her kids? Or her dog who would wake everyone?

She lives 45 seconds away. She wasnt there, I went home, grabbed my phone...
The people saying to knock at 5.30!

And to those saying my life must be wonderful- yeah, I guess. Recent family bereavement- but apart from that, yes, all good, thanks

OP posts:
GreenSlide · 20/03/2021 14:28

'This has opened my eyes to how people use their phones though.'

To communicate with each other? Hardly a shocker.

cheeseisthebest · 20/03/2021 14:32

Why not just put your phone on silent? Rather than turning off the wifi?

cheeseisthebest · 20/03/2021 14:32

Or turn off WhatsApp notifications? Then they can still come through. Would never go to meet someone without checking my phone first!

cerseii · 20/03/2021 14:34

You’re in the wrong for not checking your phone when you’re due to meet someone, it doesn’t matter what time it is

cerseii · 20/03/2021 14:36

I normally just roll out of bed, get dressed- I can be out of my bed and at her front door in 5 mins.

Ew. Do you not wash or brush your teeth?

surreymum89 · 20/03/2021 15:19

I do get where you are coming from , you had just hours before confirmed the plans so what was the point of the message, regardless of whether you read the message or not (at least for future reference you know to) she should have either sent a cancellation or met as planned , to send a question it seems as though instead of wanting to cancel herself again she knew it was very possible you would still be in bed and could use the excuse of "I sent you a message and when you didn't reply I went back to bed , so it isn't really on me "

StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/03/2021 15:20

And wake her kids? Or her dog who would wake everyone? She lives 45 seconds away. She wasnt there, I went home, grabbed my phone... The people saying to knock at 5.30!

So you knocking at the door would wake everyone up - but your friend getting up and getting ready to go out at that time wouldn’t?

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