Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend stood me up but says it's my fault. Is it?

313 replies

Somethingkindaoooo · 20/03/2021 09:47

Hi
My friend and I go through periods where we go for a walk in the morning ( 5.30am)

We just started up again- went once and then made plans to do it again the next day. We agreed via text that we wouldn't go if it was pouring with rain.

Next morning, I got up ( 10 mins before the meet time) get dressed and go to her house and wait outside. She lives very close. All lights are off, no movement. I wait. I didn't want to knock due to the time.
I'm not in the habit of bringing my phone with me, so I finally go home and pick up my phone.

She had WhatsApp d me before 5 to see if I was up. I turn my phone wifi off at night, and didnt check it before I went to meet her.
I then replied that i hadn't been up then,but i did go to meet her.
She replied with laughing emojis and said she went back to bed 5 mins before we were to meet.
I pointed out that she went back to bed 5 mins before our meeting time.

She then said that I should have replied to her text. The one asking if I was up ( sent 40 mins before our meeting time)

As the message was sent via WhatsApp, she could see that the message wasn't received on my end ( wifi off).
And she did not ever say that she was cancelling.

So
YABU - me not receiving a message is a clear indication I wasn't going to show

YANBU - she stood me up and is trying to blame me.

If it matters, she has cancelled at short notice/ slept through about 3 of the last 5 times.
I've slept through once.
I do understand that she may not have slept well, and decided not to get up. My beef is that she never ever cancelled. Messaging ' are you up?' At 4.50 am is not the same as saying that she changed her mind.

OP posts:
worried3012 · 20/03/2021 12:16

I also don't think anyone should really be pissed off at anyone , it's too minor and not worth a falling out.

dontdisturbmenow · 20/03/2021 12:17

But the outcome would have been the same as you didn't check the message anyway
Exactly! It doesn't matter what she it didn't say. If you'd checked your phone, you would have wondered why she'd texted you that early and maybe indeed concluded that she wasn't well.

You are not at fault for getting up and going there, you are at fault for wanting to pin the entire fault on her.

Twistered · 20/03/2021 12:18

I would have done exactly the same as your friend.
I can't believe you're annoyed over it and think she's in the wrong Grin

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 20/03/2021 12:19

Me and my friend do this, same time as well. We make sure we make contact before either of us leaves the house. There's been times one or the other of us hasn't woken up

There's been a women attacked and another women followed over the last 2 weeks, both used their phones to ring for help so taking the phone with you is a good idea. Personally I take mine because I'm bloody clumsy and worry about accidents more than abduction

thecatandthevicar · 20/03/2021 12:19

My beef is that she never ever cancelled. Messaging ' are you up?' At 4.50 am is not the same as saying that she changed her mind.

agree, she is ridiculous.

Expecting people to sleep with their phone and check them through the night and first thing in the morning is very childish.

She is not reliable, people like her are a nightmare.

BabyItsAWildWorld · 20/03/2021 12:19

No one is unreasonable.
It's just an unfortunate clash of presumptions.
You: that plan was set so no need to check to phone.
Her: I'll check on the phone, not heard back, must not be on.

You just need a clearer plan.
And to let it go....

GreatTeaMonkey · 20/03/2021 12:29

Just put your phone on silent or mute the WhatsApp groups your family are on. To be honest if I get up in the night I don’t look at my phone.

smallgoon · 20/03/2021 12:33

I find it really odd that you wouldn't have checked your phone when waking up, just in case, there had been an emergency of some sort meaning she couldn't come. I mean, you were meeting at 5:30 after all. Not a chance in hell I would have left the house at that time without checking that it was absolutely necessary to, and that would have been a simple glance at your phone.

Did you end up going on your walk by yourself, or go straight home?

smallgoon · 20/03/2021 12:34

Also, I set my phone to 'do not disturb' at night, but switch this off first thing. I use my phone as my morning alarm so it's easy for me to swipe and switch this off. No need to switch off phone.

smallgoon · 20/03/2021 12:35

@worried3012

Yeah this ones on you. Even if she had cancelled or assumed you weren't awake so cancelled, you'd not have known about it until after as you hadn't checked or brought your phone.
Exactly this.
Mylovelyhorsee · 20/03/2021 12:45

It’s just a miscommunication I’d guess. No ones fault really. Just move on from this.

Mylovelyhorsee · 20/03/2021 12:50

@Somethingkindaoooo would you have gone down this rabbit hole if she hadn’t have laughed at you?

Original poster
Somethingkindaoooo · 20/03/2021 12:57

@BabyItsAWildWorld

No one is unreasonable. It's just an unfortunate clash of presumptions. You: that plan was set so no need to check to phone. Her: I'll check on the phone, not heard back, must not be on.

You just need a clearer plan.
And to let it go....

I think this is it...

And as pp said, there are other issues- we were on somewhat shaky ground, so this event/ non event is just an indicator.

This has opened my eyes to how people use their phones though.

And yes, if we walk in the future ( again, because we are busy working people with commitments, who also want to shoe horn in exercise) , we will firm up the whole confirmation procedure.

OP posts:
roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 20/03/2021 12:57

As a one off it would sort of be your fault as you didn't check your phone but as part of a pattern of behaviour I think she's being a cf arranging 5.30 meet ups and then not showing especially if its to suit her.

I had similar the other day, walked a couple of miles to see a friend who had texted me half an hour before to say she had to go out, but my phone had run out of battery so I didn't know. I couldn't be pissed off I had walked up unnecessarily as it was my fault I hadn't checked, but she cancels on me all the time so I was pissed off in general and just decided to stop making arrangements.

WisnaeMe · 20/03/2021 12:59

Your friend is a DICK

she had no intention of meeting you at 0530am, the text is a feeble poor excuse. 😏

You agreed to meet at 0530, you were there, she was not, and she stayed in bed because you didn't reply to her text? was that the agreement OP? to text at 0500 to confirm the 0530 walk? No? she changed the plan to suit her own lazy agenda to remain in bed.

It was a walk, not a taxi to the airport ffs, why the need to confirm you are awake 🤔

Personally I believe YANBU 🌺

RoomOfRequirement · 20/03/2021 13:00

YABU. She was clearly checking if you were awake as you've both missed alarms and meetings before. It didn't look like you were awake, so she went back to sleep. It honestly seems like you're being deliberately obtuse with "but she didn't cancel!!"

B33Fr33 · 20/03/2021 13:00

You're not very good friends if it's somebody has to be to blame. Checking the phone is obviously a big part of where the communication fell down

Bluntness100 · 20/03/2021 13:04

This must be one of the most petty things I’ve ever read. Seriously. Most folks would just say “oops, miscommunication, what about tomorrow” or something similar.

Why you don’t just put yout phone on airplane mode and switch it back on in the morning beats me. And why you’d not check it before leaving to meet someone is a mystery.

Then to make such a big deal of it, whose fault is it, is even odder.

midnightstar66 · 20/03/2021 13:10

It was a walk, not a taxi to the airport ffs, why the need to confirm you are awake 🤔**

Because if you don't need to be up at 5.30 (ie if the other person has decided not to come) then you may as well go back to bed. And because both have firm for sleeping in, it's wise to check!

WisnaeMe · 20/03/2021 13:11

@midnightstar66

It was a walk, not a taxi to the airport ffs, why the need to confirm you are awake 🤔**

Because if you don't need to be up at 5.30 (ie if the other person has decided not to come) then you may as well go back to bed. And because both have firm for sleeping in, it's wise to check!

they agreed to meet at 0530. if it's too early and you want to stay in bed, don't arrange to meet at 0530. easy 🌺

WisnaeMe · 20/03/2021 13:13

I'd have gone on the walk anyway OP, but I'm up at 0400am when Im in shift, so 0530 is late to me.

PerveenMistry · 20/03/2021 13:14

@WisnaeMe

Your friend is a DICK

she had no intention of meeting you at 0530am, the text is a feeble poor excuse. 😏

You agreed to meet at 0530, you were there, she was not, and she stayed in bed because you didn't reply to her text? was that the agreement OP? to text at 0500 to confirm the 0530 walk? No? she changed the plan to suit her own lazy agenda to remain in bed.

It was a walk, not a taxi to the airport ffs, why the need to confirm you are awake 🤔

Personally I believe YANBU 🌺

Same here.

PerveenMistry · 20/03/2021 13:17

@dontdisturbmenow

But the outcome would have been the same as you didn't check the message anyway Exactly! It doesn't matter what she it didn't say. If you'd checked your phone, you would have wondered why she'd texted you that early and maybe indeed concluded that she wasn't well.

You are not at fault for getting up and going there, you are at fault for wanting to pin the entire fault on her.

What the fuck?

The OP is "at fault" for showing up at the agreed-upon time and place?

A truly bizarre attitude.

Original poster
Somethingkindaoooo · 20/03/2021 13:21

This must be one of the most petty things I’ve ever read. Seriously. Most folks would just say “oops, miscommunication, what about tomorrow” or something similar.
@Bluntness100
I think normally I would. I think perhaps the other issues have bothered me more than I thought

In the future, I will double check my phone ( which, again seems I'm out of touch with the ' double checking' protocol).
Got it.

However- I don't accept people telling me that I'm strange for turning my WiFi off at night. How I use my phone, which I pay for, I'm my home is my business- there is no right or wrong.

For me, it is a healthy thing to switch it off, and to mentally disconnect from everything in the world.

Thanks for all your replies everyone. Food for thought.

OP posts:
Mumtwoboys90 · 20/03/2021 13:39

100% YABU you should have checked your phone Confused

Swipe left for the next trending thread