Friend stood me up but says it's my fault. Is it?

[Somethingkindaoooo]

Hi
My friend and I go through periods where we go for a walk in the morning ( 5.30am)

We just started up again- went once and then made plans to do it again the next day. We agreed via text that we wouldn't go if it was pouring with rain.

Next morning, I got up ( 10 mins before the meet time) get dressed and go to her house and wait outside. She lives very close. All lights are off, no movement. I wait. I didn't want to knock due to the time.
I'm not in the habit of bringing my phone with me, so I finally go home and pick up my phone.

She had WhatsApp d me before 5 to see if I was up. I turn my phone wifi off at night, and didnt check it before I went to meet her.
I then replied that i hadn't been up then,but i did go to meet her.
She replied with laughing emojis and said she went back to bed 5 mins before we were to meet.
I pointed out that she went back to bed 5 mins before our meeting time.

She then said that I should have replied to her text. The one asking if I was up ( sent 40 mins before our meeting time)

As the message was sent via WhatsApp, she could see that the message wasn't received on my end ( wifi off).
And she did not ever say that she was cancelling.

So
YABU - me not receiving a message is a clear indication I wasn't going to show

YANBU - she stood me up and is trying to blame me.

If it matters, she has cancelled at short notice/ slept through about 3 of the last 5 times.
I've slept through once.
I do understand that she may not have slept well, and decided not to get up. My beef is that she never ever cancelled. Messaging ' are you up?' At 4.50 am is not the same as saying that she changed her mind.

She was but she didn't look at her phone and just set off regardless 🙄

Yes, that is why I said she didn't appear to be up, because it didn't look like she was.

Always check your phone.

Seriously you ALL check your phones before any ARRANGED meeting?? Wtf?? You must all have very unreliable people in your life is all I can say

But, in this case, the OP said they had both slept through in the past or missed the walks for other reasons. So in this instance, double-checking would have made a lot of sense. Seems these walks dates are unreliable.

I’m the sort of person who’d text to check it was still on before leaving the house (regardless of how definite the arrangement had been last time we spoke/messaged). Things change/people can feel suddenly ill/change their minds. So, I’d have then handily seen the WhatsApp and replied to that message or given her a call or something. It’s not rocket science this newfangled mobile phone technology thing.

RootyT00

Really? You would honestly make plans with a friend and set off without looking to check it's still on or taking your phone in case something happens?

actually yes, quite often. I have friends who I meet at 6 or 7am to go running, I have my front door key in my back pocket, and nothing else. I rush out of the house, most days than not I couldn't even tell you where my phone might be.

When my kids are safely at home and with DH, I don't bother with my phone.

Also 5:30 am!!! YABU

You can tell on WhatsApp if your message has been received if i need to contact my daughter and I dont see her active online I text im 46 and I can work out not everyone is online 24/7

"Cannot believe the majority of this thread, feels the need to check a scheduled meeting arranged 24hrs prior"

It wasn't "arranged 24 hours prior". They were texting about it the night before and even then it was undecided and left dependent on the rain.

OP - the majority of walks have ended like this, your main chosen method of communication about this walk were via WhatsApp and you chose not to have your phone on or check it.

Now you tell us there's a massive backstory and other "issues". I think you probably turned your phone off (because simply turning WiFi off would've had data kick in and you'd still get the messages).

You wanted to test your friend.

@lothermand

Cannot believe the majority of this thread, feels the need to check a scheduled meeting arranged 24hrs prior

Seriously you ALL check your phones before any ARRANGED meeting?? Wtf?? You must all have very unreliable people in your life is all I can say

There was a time (and it really wasn't THAT long ago) there weren't any phones (to KEEP on checking) when you arranged something, you kept to it..

Flakey people...

OP, in the grand scheme of things, it's not important..and if you want to walk at 5.30am, that's entirely YOUR prerogative, not those horrified on this thread🤦🏼‍♀️

We don't need CAPS

But given that between them they'd managed to arse up four out of five walks, yes it would be sensible to check her phone!

It's also not about being reliable. Do you live in la la land where things don't go wrong at the last minute ?

Yabu - why would you go out so early without your phone? Surely just as a safety reason, but especially as you were supposed to meeting someone? Also why wouldn’t you check your phone before leaving the house? Also why are you going for a walk at that time? Not that it’s any of my business & each to their own, but gosh, that’s early!!

Seriously you ALL check your phones before any ARRANGED meeting?? Wtf?? You must all have very unreliable people in your life is all I can say

People who insist on double-checking get on my nerve, they might be unreliable but I am not. If I arrange something, I stick with it.
How often really do we have emergencies and need to change plan?

How many time do you actually miss work or a medical appointment because of an "emergency"? Same thing.. pretty much never

@thecatandthevicar

Seriously you ALL check your phones before any ARRANGED meeting?? Wtf?? You must all have very unreliable people in your life is all I can say

People who insist on double-checking get on my nerve, they might be unreliable but I am not. If I arrange something, I stick with it.
How often really do we have emergencies and need to change plan?

How many time do you actually miss work or a medical appointment because of an "emergency"? Same thing.. pretty much never

You must live a blessed life. Not everyone does.

Ooh @thecatandthevicar but what about the notorious MN scenario where your house spontaneously sets on fire and your DH needs you to come and rescue him and kids etc.

If you are out walking at 5.30 am it's sensible for safety reasons to bring your phone.
I think yabu for not looking at your phone before you left. I walk with a friend most mornings and will always check my phone in case something has come up that she cannot make it.

Patronising post @RootyT00t you clearly have nothing better to do than CHECK your phone..oops slap on the wrist as you don't need CAPS🙄

@thecatandthevicar

Seriously you ALL check your phones before any ARRANGED meeting?? Wtf?? You must all have very unreliable people in your life is all I can say

People who insist on double-checking get on my nerve, they might be unreliable but I am not. If I arrange something, I stick with it.
How often really do we have emergencies and need to change plan?

How many time do you actually miss work or a medical appointment because of an "emergency"? Same thing.. pretty much never

I don't generally check confirmed plans, but will look at my phone beforehand to make sure the other person hasn't messaged to cancel. I must admit it's very rare people do cancel, but it still saves a wasted journey on the odd occasion.

I remember the time before mobile phones (when many of us relied on pay phones as no home landline), and it was very annoying on the rare occasion that someone couldn't meet up, but couldn't easily tell you. Being able to instantly communicate is a huge advantage of mobile phones, and choosing not to take advantage of it, when you have a mobile, is a bit odd really. It takes two seconds to glance at the screen to see if a message has been received. You don't have to actually check the arrangements, just make sure there isn't a new message.

@thecatandthevicar

Seriously you ALL check your phones before any ARRANGED meeting?? Wtf?? You must all have very unreliable people in your life is all I can say

People who insist on double-checking get on my nerve, they might be unreliable but I am not. If I arrange something, I stick with it.
How often really do we have emergencies and need to change plan?

How many time do you actually miss work or a medical appointment because of an "emergency"? Same thing.. pretty much never

I wouldn't double check necessarily of we had firm plans, but it makes sense to make sure the person has not tried to contact me before I set off. It only takes a second.

@lothermand

Patronising post *@RootyT00t* you clearly have nothing better to do than CHECK your phone..oops slap on the wrist as you don't need CAPS🙄

If only you knew.

I live in the real world where me and my pals have difficult lives so I always check because I'm not ridiculous or arrogant enough to assume that absolutely nothing in the world could have happened to stop them meeting me.

Ironically enough, you make a ridiculous point because if I had nothing better to do, I wouldn't bother with a phone id just be able to sit and wait for my pal, wouldn't I.

Not sure why you felt the need to wade in there.

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

You are 100% at fault in this—she follows standard texting protocol, you expect her to be a mind reader. If I were her I would be pissed off at you, as you basically stood her up.

(A) should have responded in the morning to her text
(B) should have had your phone with you so you could have messaged that you were outside

Er, me standing outside her door at the agreed upon time is the exact opposite of standing someone up.

Once again'the night before, as in 10pm:
We agreed the time ( I was there)
We agreed the conditions ( no rain,the walk goes ahead. There was no rain).

We had agreed this 7 hours before.

It isn't our habit to check to see if the other is up/ on their way. We had confirmed the night before.

Once agsin- if something had changed in the 7 hours since we had confirmed,then I think she should have cancelled.
If she had, then obviously I would have rolled my eyes at myself that I hadn't checked my phone.
But she didn't cancel. After 15 years of messaging, and me mentioning it numerous times, she would have been aware that I don't have my phone on at night.

If I had changed my mind/ couldn't stick to the plan we had made only 7 hours before, I would explicitly say so, rather than assume that because I hadn't retrieved my message that the whole think was cancelled.

lots of us, we are not all glued to our phone at all time
Which is fine but you can't then go complain that you missed a communication that was important to you.

All that is fine OP, but given that four our of five of the last walks haven't worked, it isn't working.

@ElderMillennial

She should have text you rather than message you through WhatsApp

I've never thought to do this. Not sure why OP's friend would.

Because you don't need WiFi for a text!

Op - YABU, agree with pp wondering why you wouldn't have taken your phone or checked for messages.

OP: AIBU?
Majority vote: yes
OP: no I’m not

It oy takes a bad night, bad insomnia or being sick to explain why it could be cancelled at the last minute, which is why it makes no sense to me not to automatically check before taking off.

Why on earth would you not check your phone before going to meet someone? YABU