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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of people keep telling me my sons are too old to live at home

390 replies

Fedup333336 · 19/03/2021 20:43

They are 25 and 27. Both work full time and pay their way.

OP posts:
bert3400 · 19/03/2021 22:24

I was thinking about this today, my son is nearly 19 and I'd be happy for him to stay home for many more years. He is such good company. Keeps us laughing and we just love having him around. I could not of coped with lockdown with out him.

Nats1984 · 19/03/2021 22:25

You do you . No two families are the same . We all left my mums house like bats out of hell because she was awful to live with. My daughter at 19 has almost a deposit for a place and will sit tight till she buys. If she hadn’t fallen on her feet in a job that she excelled at and saved so much she’d be welcome to stay until she she had a husband and kids ( that would be too much I like my peace and quiet ) as someone who left home at 15 and really struggled to get by and is only buying their first place at 36 I’d say support them as long as you can stand them .

Tubs11 · 19/03/2021 22:25

Smart kids/adults! I wouldn't bat an eyelid if someone told me their kids lived at home at this age, I'd have assumed it was to save money

Thepennyhasdroppedq · 19/03/2021 22:29

Ignore them... its hard in this day and age to even get a deposit. They are being smart, living at home (I assume with cheap rent) while they save.

Rufus27 · 19/03/2021 22:29

Nothing wrong with it.

My brother and I both stayed at home til our late 20s when we were then both able to buy our first houses. We got on well with our parents and enjoyed the opportunity to get to know them on a different adult/adult level (I was a bloody nightmare teen so I think my parents were quite relieved to see me through the other side!).

Contrary to what some on here believe, both DB and I (now in our late 40s) are ambitious, independent and have healthy relationships with our partners.

GreenSlide · 19/03/2021 22:30

YANBU
I think it's really nice to have family all close together, if you're all happy with the arrangement.

MrsMoastyToasty · 19/03/2021 22:35

I know 3 men, all from different families and all in their 40's or 50's, still living at home with their elderly parents. 2 of them have never lived anywhere else and the third (my cousin ) only lived elsewhere when at university and then for 6 weeks lived at ours when he had a short term contract in the city where I lived at the time.

Lullaby88 · 19/03/2021 22:38

If they have a goal to own a place then theres no problem with them living with u. Itl be less costly..

littlepattilou · 19/03/2021 22:40

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

When I was in my 20s I knew lots of men who lived with their parents. Compared with the men who didn't, they seemed very immature and irresponsible - mummy was often doing a high proportion of the cooking and cleaning and life admin. In addition, they tended to be the ones who said they were going it to save rent etc, but managed to indulge in various expensive hobbies etc.

Lovely snarky, sanctimonious post there. BRAVO. Hmm

ALSO...

There are plenty of men who leave home in their very early 20s and get married and move in with their wife, who behave EXACTLY like this. Only it's WIFEY who does all the 'high proportion of cooking and cleaning and life admin.'

And these men ALSO spend a large chunk of money (family money!) on 'various expensive hobbies,' whilst 'wifey' puts her career on the backburner, to be his servant, and raise HIS children, (whilst spending fuck-all on herself...)

It's not just young men who live at home with 'mummy' who can have tendencies to be lazy entitled twats. Some men are like this when they are married with children too! !

Pinchoftums · 19/03/2021 22:43

It is such a shame that it is so unaffordable to live on your own and enjoy those fun twenties that should be full of hedonism. The rat race has to be joined so young nowadays. Sad

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 19/03/2021 22:46

Its nobody elses business and I bet somr
Of the ones on here being super critical have prob financially helped there child even if thats just funding uni so they can get a better paid job sooner etc , they don't realise that not everyone can afford that luxury
As long as your happy thats all that matters , I hope mine stay as long as poss in order to save . i left home at 18 and still don't own my own home as never been in a position to pay rent and save ,wish I had done it different

Gilly12345 · 19/03/2021 22:48

People love to comment on other people’s business, you are being a good parent I think, as long as they are paying a little money to you for rent and as long as they are saving loads for a deposit for a house then all is good, if they were not saving much and spending loads then no I think that is unreasonable, young adults are living at home for longer as we all know but as long as they are responsible then all is good.

stackemhigh · 19/03/2021 22:50

I lived at my home until my early 30s, saved a big (London) house deposit, leant it all to my mum when she needed it, and then saved it up again.

Also paid £250 a month rent + phone bill and TV license and food and did house cleaning etc.

At the same time, brother lived at home for free and did no housework.

Guess who will inherit the house?

ArcheryAnnie · 19/03/2021 22:57

There are cultures where it is the expected, respectable, normal thing for sons to remain in the family home, and bring their spouses to live with them, and daughters go and live in their mother-in-law's houses. Obviously there's a lot of variation, now, but it isn't a universal thing all over the world, or even in the UK, for the expected trajectory of life to go to university at 18, leave the family home, and never meaningfully return.

My DS has a foot in both cultures. Whether he stays with me or leaves home and sets up his own separate home, he can be assured that he's subscribing to at least one of his possible cultural norms!

pabloescobarselasticband · 19/03/2021 22:57

OP i get this all the time about DS 25. I really don't understand why people are so obsessed with him moving out. He likes living here and i like having him here! He works hard a pays all his own bills plus rent to me. This is his home and will be for as long as he chooses to live here.

Sillyduckseverywhere · 19/03/2021 22:58

@Flowers24

Your post was great until.the last line , yeah I really understand but my daughters would never date a man who still lived at home ,how shallow are they ?!
Very shallow. I'm 42 and back home having left at 18. I'm obviously an undateable sad fucker. In fact my partner dying and then a subsequent relationship financially ruining me is to blame but shrug My mum loves having me here. Can't say I feel the same way. Luckily my boyfriend isn't shallow and we are very happy together Smile
waitingpatientlyforspring · 19/03/2021 23:00

My dh was 27 (only just) when we moved into our first house. We had spent half a week at each others house for about a year before moving into together.

I don't think that is really ild but it's heading up there.

Cadent · 19/03/2021 23:01

@Flowers24

Your post was great until.the last line , yeah I really understand but my daughters would never date a man who still lived at home ,how shallow are they ?!
Not shallow at all, women don’t owe every random man a date. Biologically speaking, women are attracted to men who will provide for them.
MrsTophamHat · 19/03/2021 23:05

If it works for you and you live in an expensive area, then it's fine.

Personally, I loved living alone in my twenties even though I was skint. I'm quite nostalgic about the peace and freedom I had over my own space and ability to what i wanted when I wanted. Assuming renting prices are reasonable, I will be encouraging my children to move out alone or with a friend once theyre in their early twenties.

DieSchottin93 · 19/03/2021 23:05

I'm late 20s and live at home still. I feel ready to move out but financially it isn't possible right now (especially as I'm currently furloughed). I'm saving hard for a deposit despite earning minimum wage and pay a small rent each month and help out with the cooking, cleaning, food shopping and tech support Grin

doitwithlove · 19/03/2021 23:05

Who lives in your home has feck all to do with anyone, as long as you are happy that is all that matters

Lachimolala · 19/03/2021 23:09

I have three kiddos and I’m fully expecting all 3 to not only be at home until similar ages but also stay at home until they’ve saved enough for a house deposit (and happy for this to happen) how else will they be able to get on the property ladder?

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 19/03/2021 23:14

I lived at home until 26 to save for a deposit. It wasn’t easy as I had a difficult relationship with my parents but we all thought it would be better in the long run to pay my own mortgage rather than someone else’s through rent. I did rent for one year with some of my savings to see what it was like and we had mice and the landlord stole our (was living with two others) deposit. Was happy to buy my own flat the following year.

I did get teased for living at home for so long and then for buying a small flat in a dodgy area (since gentrified) by people who are still renting today in their 40s because they left home as soon as they could to rent and could never save enough for a deposit.

Tell your sons to ignore the teasers.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 19/03/2021 23:15

My neighbours son stayed at home until he was 25 whdn he bought a house outright........ Who's winning on adult top trumps? Someone paying somebody else to live in a poky flat, paying full bills and trying to save a deposit towards a debt they'll be paying off for the next 25 years. ? Or someone staying at home a bit longer, paying a little towards rent and saving every penny they can so they can have sweet, financial freedom for the majority of their adult lives? 🤔

Mamanyt · 19/03/2021 23:16

You do say that they pay their own way, which puts things a bit differently than if they were letting you foot all the bills. I will ask this, though, are they doing their part around the house, as well as contributing to the bills? None of my business, actually, but I had one who "left the nest" late. He did pay his own way, as well as helped keep the house up, and did his own laundry. He was an adult, and I expected him to behave like one. LOL, he even borrowed my sewing machine to do his mending.