To be fed up of people keep telling me my sons are too old to live at home

[Fedup333336]

They are 25 and 27. Both work full time and pay their way.

@Meruem

"So many people agreeing it’s ok, but so many with the caveat “as long as they’re saving for a house deposit”. So if they’re not then it’s not ok? Surely people can make their own choices how to live their lives if it’s not impacting on anyone else outside the family? If the family themselves are happy what’s the issue, irrespective of the reasons."

Excellent point.

"During lockdown I’ve had time to read more about different cultures (currently reading a book about an amazon tribe) watch documentaries etc. Even shows like tiny house nation and a very interesting Chinese home makeover show! (families of 3 generations living in tiny spaces)."

What's Chinese programme and where do you watch it. It sounds interesting .

@onlychildandhamster

"I grew up in Singapore and lived in a 3 generation household growing up."

"I do have aunts who lack a pension who are renting out their homes and living with children - in this country, they would have gone on benefits instead but in singapore, they are not entitled to claim anything."

About 25 years ago I lived and worked in Singapore. I had to pay my CPF (Central Provident Fund, if I remember correctly). This meant over a couple of years I accrued a massive fund which I was allowe to take when I left. Such a good idea. Had I stayed that money would have been used to care for me in my old age. I wish we had it here.

Well, I say massive, but about 14K in modern money from about two years work. But the point is I did 't feel the loss while saving it.

My DS is 25 and moving out next week. He returned after uni with debts and found it difficult to get a job. He spent the last three years sorting out his debts, got a stable job and finally moving out. He was desperate to move out but we live in a city where things are expensive so he had to be able to afford it. He certainly wasn’t in a position to save for a deposit for a house as where I live there are folks still saving in there 30s.

I don't think people today realise how difficult it is to pay for rented accommodation and save for their future. Just ignore people.

@Italiangreyhound

It’s called “dream home” on amazon prime. I find it absolutely fascinating. I had a Chinese student as a lodger once and when he came to see my house he was in awe and proclaimed I lived in a mansion! I do not, lol. It’s a 4bed Victorian terrace, but after watching that show I gained some understanding of why he was so taken aback.

I know he would have found it absolutely ludicrous to think my DC would want to move out and rent a pokey room somewhere just because it’s the “norm”. As some pp’s have said, living at home doesn’t necessarily mean still living as a child. Both of mine have lived away from home. Both currently here but will likely go again at some point. Tbh we’ve all been glad of the company over lockdown. But I certainly don’t “mother” them, they’re adults and we all treat each other as such.

@Italiangreyhound most people of my generation would accrue a large cpf fund as hardly any women give up careers post kidd. But my aunts quit work, were housewives and then had absentee husbands. But as home ownership is over 90% and its traditional to live with children, they can rent out their flats and live well on rental income. And of course the kids were willing to do that as they all spent a few years living with mum for free after graduation.

[quote Meruem]@Italiangreyhound

It’s called “dream home” on amazon prime. I find it absolutely fascinating. I had a Chinese student as a lodger once and when he came to see my house he was in awe and proclaimed I lived in a mansion! I do not, lol. It’s a 4bed Victorian terrace, but after watching that show I gained some understanding of why he was so taken aback.

I know he would have found it absolutely ludicrous to think my DC would want to move out and rent a pokey room somewhere just because it’s the “norm”. As some pp’s have said, living at home doesn’t necessarily mean still living as a child. Both of mine have lived away from home. Both currently here but will likely go again at some point. Tbh we’ve all been glad of the company over lockdown. But I certainly don’t “mother” them, they’re adults and we all treat each other as such.[/quote]
Many people have no option but to "rent a pokey room somewhere" because they have to move for work. How grand are you that you think it's too good for your son? Same with a pp comment "sharing with random".

How much can your little darling be harmed by going through a perfectly normal life stage like millions of other people all over the world do? It's not as if its forever. God knows how he would cope if he ever had to move to a different city for work. I suppose you'd have to buy him his own (non pokey) abode?

Many people have no option but to "rent a pokey room somewhere" because they have to move for work. How grand are you that you think it's too good for your son? Same with a pp comment "sharing with random".

Maybe so. But plenty wouldn't choose that if they don't have to. Obviously. I wouldn't.

@GreenlandTheMovie

Wow such bitterness. If you read my post properly before frothing, you would see I said both of mine have lived away from home, DS did indeed rent a poky studio in Japan where he worked. He was fine. They both are quite capable of living alone. They just don’t need to right now.

Oh and I had to leave home at 16 because my dad was abusing me, so I’m not the privileged person you think I am. I have been homeless and lived in shitty bedsits. I was very close to committing suicide. Absolutely a loving family home would have given me a far better start in life. But I turned things around and now my DC have the “luxury” of knowing they have a home when they need it. I’m happy I can do that for them. You just sound very bitter.

@Mereum www.propertyguru.com.sg/property-guides/cassandra-5-cs-property-bucket-list-before-30-43941

But all her effort paid off when Cassandra found her current unit at Bartley Ridge. She initially bought the home with the intention of moving in, but eventually decided to continue renting it out for passive income (it was already tenanted when she bought it).

'Since the property is rented out, Cassandra still lives with her parents in their family home in Bishan. When asked about the typical Singaporean route of waiting till marriage to buy a BTO flat and “flip” it for profit, she shares that it was never feasible for her.'

Such a different perspective! In singapore, someone who can afford a million dollar home but chooses to stay with her family isn't a 'child', but a financially prudent person with grit! I don't think it would be any different if she was a man.

I actually know her personally and she has never lived away from home before as unlike me, she studied locally. But I don't think she is less mature than many Brits I know.

Our plan is in the next few years as hopefully our incomes return that we will buy a much bigger house between all of us that can be split into 3 so we can have space to ourselves but also share the kitchen and living spaces if we want to.

I was brought up that you lived with family.

Hey OP,

I don’t think YABU, it’s great that they are both saving for house deposits. One thing I will say is that having any kind of dating/love life will be tricky. In my early 20s I was seeing a guy for almost 4 years and he was just so used to being mollycoddled by his mother that it became impossible to be with him, I felt like I was with a child. Also, the lack of privacy in a relationship is difficult. His mum would regularly walk into the room and I felt like we were confined to 4 walls unless we wanted to spend the weekends watching his mums awful tv shows with her.

[quote Meruem]@GreenlandTheMovie

Wow such bitterness. If you read my post properly before frothing, you would see I said both of mine have lived away from home, DS did indeed rent a poky studio in Japan where he worked. He was fine. They both are quite capable of living alone. They just don’t need to right now.

Oh and I had to leave home at 16 because my dad was abusing me, so I’m not the privileged person you think I am. I have been homeless and lived in shitty bedsits. I was very close to committing suicide. Absolutely a loving family home would have given me a far better start in life. But I turned things around and now my DC have the “luxury” of knowing they have a home when they need it. I’m happy I can do that for them. You just sound very bitter.[/quote]
Well, I'm not the one wailing about renting pokey rooms, am I?

It’s was hardly wailing but whatever.

Meruem it sounds lovely. I very much doubt mine will fly the nest too early.

onlychildandhamster i loved living in Singapore and still miss it. Especially the food!!

GreenlandTheMovie what a really nasty and unkind comment. You've no idea what sort of accommodation might be available in that poster's area for her child's available income so it may well be pokey. i am sure that poster knows what is available in her area. And your comment was really very unpleasant, not wanting things to be harder than needs be for one's kids does not make them little 'darlings' - just cared for! And did you even read the comment that followed yours. Where the poster told about her own troubled history.

It's just sad you cannot say "I'm sorry about what happened to you and I am sorry I said something nasty and snide"

Meruem I am so sorry to read your post.

One day I saw the 15 year old daughter taking her laundry to the laundromat. As there was one in the house I asked if it was broken. She said her parents don't let her use it because of "depreciation". She also was paying rent. The family was not poor. This, to an Italian, feels like there's something wrong with this family.

Seems pretty odd to a Brit too. It also sounds odd when people suggest grown up children living at home should do their own washing. This makes washing seem like an enormous chore and surely it is a complete waste for everyone in a household to do little bits of washing.

@Italiangreyhound

Thank you. It was a long time ago, and I as I say I turned things around and made a good life for us. It’s a shame when people have to resort to being nasty on a good discussion but hey ho!

I do think it’s good to talk about the way we live, what alternatives there might be etc. On the tiny house series I watched, a lot of people’s motivations for living that way were about using less of the planets resources. Along with more freedom to live their lives. It’s not a bad thing to sometimes question how we live and whether what is “normal” is always what’s best.

"It’s not a bad thing to sometimes question how we live and whether what is “normal” is always what’s best." Absolutely. I think it is great to see how others live and what is normal for them.

I've visited many places in Asia and it is all so varied and that is great.

It's wonderful you turned your life around.

If you’re happy with the arrangement carry on, as long as they’re genuinely saving for their own places and pay you bed and board.

It also sounds odd when people suggest grown up children living at home should do their own washing.

A big sticking point with not just you but many on MN. When it’s been discussed and argued, Those against it can NEVER understand that things work differently in other people’s homes, it always centres around the ‘imagined queues at the washing machine’, or waste of water, or half empty machine (all bollocks), Whether you choose to do your washing together as a family or done separately you are not better parents.

People get weirdly het up about other people's living arrangements.

I lived at home until I was 29, please do come and tell me what kind of person that must make me now 🤣

In my culture especially the men get waited on hand and foot

At 38, im trying to look for my significant other and let me tell you, I've been meeting many mental who live and home and do naff all. They don't cook, dont know how to use appliances like washing machines, dishwasher. Have no motivation to do so because their mum does it.

So excuse this ekf us who are very cynical about adults living living with their parents.

Whether its wshing thie rows clothes or taking it int urn to do the chores its important that adult children do get stuck in and not be waited on hand and foot.

Who wants to marry a person who isn't going to pull their weight, no thanks im better of being alone and adopting a child than to have to do x2 work because I have a man child.

Replies to any thread like this wind me up.
If they pull their weight and everyone is happy then it is nobody else's business. In todays world it is next to impossible to buy a property as a single person and even young couples struggle to get on the housing ladder.
Most who have achieved it have either had a lot of parental support or have a high earning partner. For example, I know a thirty something couple. He had a high up job in tech, she works as a TA. No kids. She openly says herself that if she hadn't of met him, she would still have been at home with her parents.
As for maturity, I know very immature people who moved out young and very mature people who still live at home.

In all honesty OP, you won't get a balanced response on Mumsnet which is a very middle class forum. Just look after your family and forget about small minded people x