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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of people keep telling me my sons are too old to live at home

390 replies

Fedup333336 · 19/03/2021 20:43

They are 25 and 27. Both work full time and pay their way.

OP posts:
raincamepouringdown · 19/03/2021 21:57

@blue25

Why don’t they want to move out though? I hate dating men who still live at home with their mum. They’re like men children, with no independence or ambition.
Saving for a house more quickly is ambitious, though, no?
CantSayJack · 19/03/2021 21:57

I wouldn’t dream of wanting my children to leave. What is wrong with people in this country? You can’t wait to cart your parents off to a home and boot your own children out. In many cultures it’s the norm to live at home and leave when married or stay with in laws, looking out for each other.
OP - nothing wrong at all, stuff what people think, it’s none of their business.

littlepattilou · 19/03/2021 21:57

@Fedup333336

YANBU, and it's got fuck-all to do with ANYone why someone still lives with their folks. Mid 20s is NO age to be living with parents... WTF is wrong with people? Confused

You really should say 'how the fuck is my sons living with me affecting YOUR life?! Mind yer own business!' Hmm But I know it's easier said than done to say stuff like this. A simple 'it's really nobody's business but ours, and I'm not sure why anyone feels the need to say anything.' should suffice, with a Confused kind of look.

If they were mid 20s and not working and not paying you anything at all and sponging off you, then of course that's not acceptable, but that's not the case!

All this 'kids should fuck off and leave home on their 18th birthday' kind of bullshit really boils my piss. The 'OP, is there a reason they are still living at home' and 'they are lacking in life skills, you are doing them no favours' type comments are just so obnoxious and patronising! And I say this as someone who left home at 20, and never went back, and who has a daughter who left at 18 (for uni) and never moved back.

She lives 15 miles away, and me and DH see her often (pre covid!) but she never moved back in. She left uni and started renting a flat with her boyfriend who she had been dating for 1 year when she left. They now have their own house.

But I don't look at my friend (who I have known for 35 years) with disdain, because all 3 of her children still live with her and her DH. (A son aged 22, DD aged 27, and DD aged 29.) Nor do I judge - and pour scorn on - my friend in the village with a son and a daughter (aged 28 and 30,) still living with her.

Sometimes it's very difficult to live alone, and it's often very hard to leave and set up home yourself. Some people don't find a partner in their 20s and can't afford to live alone. If you're all happy with it, what's the problem? Confused

I wonder if on some level, the people making snarky remarks are a bit jealous. Jealous of you having your adult children living with you, and the company you must get from them, and support if you need it.

I haven't seen my daughter since Christmas Day because of lockdown, and I think my friends and neighbours who have children living with them are very lucky. Because they have not had to go 3 months without seeing them. I am pleased for them, and happy for them though, and not spiteful and mean about the kids still living at home in their 20s! Hmm

Thewinterofdiscontent · 19/03/2021 21:58

@Betbloom

In Mediterranean countries, its very normal really. The perspective that kids should be gone by 18 is quite shocking to them
Yeah but I think that’s the point those who wanted their sons out, are making. A spoilt mummies boy waiting for his wife to take up the slack is one of our worse nightmares. ( not saying all Italian/French(Spanish men are like the stereotype obviously)
littlepattilou · 19/03/2021 21:58

@blue25

Why don’t they want to move out though? I hate dating men who still live at home with their mum. They’re like men children, with no independence or ambition.

@hansgrueber

I can guarantee that the reaction to two daughters still living at home would be quite different.

This. ^ in spades. If a man still lives with his parents at 26, he MUST be an emotionally stunted, useless at everything, terminally stupid man-child. Hmm

saraclara · 19/03/2021 22:02

It depends where you live. Where I grew up, I'd find it odd if my kids didn't launch once they had a job. Housing is cheap.

Where I live now, there's nothing under £220k (and that would be a one - maybe two be flat) and rents are relative to that. No-one can leave uni, set up alone, and save for a £22k deposit. So yes, my kids lived with me for longer than ideal. But they paid 'rent' (which I gave them back at the end) and they did their share of the housework etc. And as soon as they had got some savings together, they went.

saraclara · 19/03/2021 22:03

two BED flat, even

JustLyra · 19/03/2021 22:03

I think the whole judgement on living at home is bonkers. It's far more important how much someone does for themselves rather than where they live.

My DS's best friend's Mum makes snooty comments quite often about how her DS moved out when he went to uni and has "stayed independent" whereas my DS comes home for holidays and will come home at the end of his course.

DS manages his money. Cooks twice a week when he's at home. Chips in fairly to the rest of the running of the house. He comes and goes as he pleases because he's an adult. He'll mention to us if he's staying overnight somewhere so the door bolt can be put on. When he's at uni he runs his own life completely in his houseshare.

She goes to her "independent" DS's flat (that she pays for) once a week to deliver shopping, pick up washing and stock his freezer with batch cooked meals. She also calls him every morning to wake him for classes, organises his travel pass and frequently bails him out with money.

Being independent and moving out of home aren't always the same thing. How your parents treat you, and how you behave, is the biggest thing.

Allywill · 19/03/2021 22:03

i’d love to have my daughter home. she’s living in a bed sit (converted double garage) in a city 200 miles away. her monthly salary is 1500 net snd her rent 700. a one bedroom flat is way out of her price range and on her salary she has no chance of buying. i get the independence thing but it seems crazy. especially over covid times when she was so isolated. i’d would welcome her home bugger whatever anyone else thinks.

Escapetab · 19/03/2021 22:04

It's nice they can come back home. I never had that option. I would be really pleased if my son wanted to come back after uni or whatever, I think it shows closeness in a family. Even if I could have stayed at mine I would rather have done anything else.

winterchills · 19/03/2021 22:05

I would be annoyed too. What's wrong with them living with you still!

Escapetab · 19/03/2021 22:05

Also, I like ambition, but there are a hell of a lot of ambitions far more interesting than home ownership.

Wankerchief · 19/03/2021 22:07

Im foreign and its common for our kids to stay home till they are financially stable.
My kids will always be welcome.

Livelovebehappy · 19/03/2021 22:13

It’s your business, and nothing to do with others. If it works for you, and you’re happy with it, ignore people who are giving their (unwanted) opinions. I get so pissed off with the current thing of people interfering with how others live their life’s. I think they do it out of boredom because people have very little going on atm.

notanothertakeaway · 19/03/2021 22:14

My parents lived at home (separately) with their parents until they got married, and I think we're going back to that as a normal arrangement

I would be v happy for my DS to live with us until he can afford to move out

annacondom · 19/03/2021 22:14

YANBU. I get it too. DS still lives at home. It suits us all at the moment. He's saving up, works nearby, and I like having him around. But my two closest friends are continually asking me when he's going to move out. They get very shirty, as though we're not supposed to enjoy living together. Seriously, I have to bite my tongue sometimes bc I don't want to fall out with them.

MrsAMMcCannisacunt · 19/03/2021 22:15

Absolutely nothing wrong with it. People need to mind their own business.

LindaEllen · 19/03/2021 22:15

If you're all happy with the situation, there's nothing wrong with it. End up. If they live with you forever - and you're all happy and loving life - it's nobody else's business.

Iremembertheelderlykoreanlady · 19/03/2021 22:18

I mostly lived at home until I was 25.

If me and OH broke up now I would move back in with my parents and I'm in my late 30s.

If you don't have a problem with it then ignore

ImAlrightThanx · 19/03/2021 22:18

@MrsAMMcCannisacunt

Absolutely nothing wrong with it. People need to mind their own business.
This. I hate all the judgemental people in this world. Let people live their lives as they see fit.
Sunshine1235 · 19/03/2021 22:20

I don’t know, owning a house is nice and all but life is for living. I left home at 18 - no way I’d swap the 10 years that followed that with 10 years of living with my parents (as much as I love them) even if I meant I’d own a house at the end of it

Goldenbear · 19/03/2021 22:21

I don't think it is strange or lacking in ambition but even if it is a cultural thing here, I don't think it is somehow 'wrong'. My parents moved out when they left university as that was the expectation but also they didn't want to live intergenerationally. It was the late 60's when they were early 20s and they wanted change. Why did people stop living intergenerationally? I am early 40s and felt the same but I was pretty lucky with house shares as I lived in some nice properties and my husband and his brother in the second house share which was effectively his mum's second home. I am close to my Mum but I'm glad I lived with people my own age in my 20s as I would have felt restricted. That said, I had a friend who did this and they have a much bigger house than us now, with a Tony mortgage!

Goldenbear · 19/03/2021 22:21

Tiny not Tony

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 19/03/2021 22:23

When I was in my 20s I knew lots of men who lived with their parents. Compared with the men who didnt, they seemed very immature and irresponsible - mummy was often doing a high proportion of the cooking and cleaning and life admin. In addition, they tended to be the ones who said they were going it to save rent etc, but managed to indulge in various expensive hobbies etc. Eg DH brother who lived at home for a bit. He did save, but nowhere near the full amount of the rent he wasn't paying/could have afforded. Eg he had been paying £800/month for his flat, not including bills, then moved home "to save for a deposit" and told us he was saving £500 a month. He managed some bloody nice holidays those 2 years!

Goldenbear · 19/03/2021 22:24

I stay for long stretches with my Mum now in the summer and I love it as I can have a break from all the drudgery bits of being 'Mum'.

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