Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of people keep telling me my sons are too old to live at home

390 replies

Fedup333336 · 19/03/2021 20:43

They are 25 and 27. Both work full time and pay their way.

OP posts:
WakeUpSchmakeUp · 20/03/2021 08:21

@Emeraldshamrock

Mine can stay at home forever if they like. My NDN DS never moved out he is 67 she is 89 and her DH 90. Smile
I bet they’re nice quiet neighbours Grin

Can’t imagine trampoline outside your back door/loud outside parties late into the night in summer ..

May17th · 20/03/2021 08:25

@Tootsee

My son is 29 and still lives at home with me. He did move out to stay with a friend last year when Covid hit, to minimise risk to his dad (my dh), who was shielding. He couldn’t wait to come back, when shielding ceased. Unfortunately my dh passed away at the end of last year, therefore he is company for me. He has no plans to move out again, which I am happy with, and he does help out around the house. I don’t see any issue with adult children staying at home, if both parties are happy with the situation.
It’s beneficial to you though and this is often the case when adult children are living at home. Money aside how is this beneficial to your Son in terms of life experience.
RolloTomassi · 20/03/2021 08:29

YANBU. Me and my siblings were helped onto the ladder, otherwise I'm sure we'd have stayed at home until we'd saved up enough to buy. I certainly won't be encouraging my own kids to waste money in the rent cycle, if I can support them to get a property of their own.

I think beyond a certain age most working adults will WANT their independence anyway. As others have said, as long as your sons are pulling their weight, your arrangement is a totally sensible, normal thing to do.

Mrgrinch · 20/03/2021 08:32

YABU. They're grown men ffs.

Same4Walls · 20/03/2021 08:36

@Mrgrinch

YABU. They're grown men ffs.
Oh fab another memeber of the chuck them out at 18 when they are a grown man brigade.

Other than them being adults what is your logic and reasoning behind them not living at home sensibly saving and contributing equally to the household?

Changeismyname · 20/03/2021 08:38

As well as paying their way are they contributing in other ways which will prepare them for owning their own property and living alone? Do they cook, clean, do their own laundry? Do they buy the things you need in the house other than just food so they know the true cost of home ownership and independent living? Do they pitch in with the admin side of things? If not it might be a shock to the system when they do eventually buy for themselves.

Erkrie · 20/03/2021 08:41

This isn’t really normal. I know of friends friends that live at home. 2 women one is childless and the other has 2 kids. I mean you may not mind.... but another person mentioned things along the lines of experiences and this could potentially affect your future relationships and I agree.

People can live their lives how they want. What on earth is normal for goodness sake? I know people that remained at home for quite some years, saved for a deposit, moved out and had a family. I also know people that stayed at home and are still there in their 50s. They pull their weight and have their own lives too. And it benefits all. Not everyone actually wants live in relationships / marriage / children.
People need to live their lives for themselves, not for how other people consider they should live them.

I don’t think that means someone is shallow we all have our preferences unless you have a reason I don’t see why you have not flown the nest.

Plenty of reasons, company, money, because they simply want to, a reason doesn't actually need to be provided? I would consider people who refuse to date men living at home shallow, (particularly as I know that's aimed in one direction, towards males living at home, but not towards women) and not being seen as a home provider to potential girlfriends. Not that it really matters what I think does it, we'd hardly be likely to cross paths.

It’s a life stage we all should overcome

Why? It doesn't mean that people who are adults and still living at home don't contribute financially towards the upkeep / running of the house. One can still do adulting whilst living in the family home Hmm

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 20/03/2021 08:45

You did actually accuse a pp of needing a husband to get a mortgage and then you told her to "go to bed".

I didn't 'accuse' her of anything - she DID buy a property jointly and I pointed it out that that makes it easier to buy a home. I then bizarrely got swore at and accused of claiming that person had her house bought for her Confused

Why the need for the constant ad homonem attacks?

I'm not attacking anyone but the rudeness and smugness of that poster that they were so much better than a man living at home to save because she slaves away working a billion hours a week whilst renting was pissing me off nothing wrong with bringing smug snide people down a peg or two

FWIW I live in a part of the country where FTBs are very affordable (no, don't demand I identify it and myself on the internet as you did with the OP)

I didn't demand any information off the OP?

If you mean marriee15 then I ask when she bought a property because she was being rude about other people who did the same. If she bought a property in 1995 she would have had no right to berate others who bought in a time that's a million times harder and everything is 10x more expensive

dontdisturbmenow · 20/03/2021 08:45

Depends on how much having mum doing all the unpleasant chores on their behalf plays a role in that decision.

Sadly, it too often comes down to that and the ability to save being a bonus when they actually do.

I'd warn my DD getting together with a man who has never lived alone first for this reason.

If they are very active at home, cleaning, sorting out some bills themselves, dealing with things when they breakdown, shopping and cooking for their own meals etc... then it might be different but from experience, its rarely the case.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 20/03/2021 08:47

I wouldn't mind if they were doing it to save for a house deposit but they'd be pulling their weight for sure.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 20/03/2021 08:48

I'd be happy for mine to stay as long as they're not lazy pricks and rude, but I do endeavour to hoof them out at 18 simply so they can go to Uni and have that experience. If they don't want to go to Uni that's fine as well but it's what I hope for - if nothing else but to enjoy student life and living independently

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 20/03/2021 08:49

But they can come back after if they wanted to save or couldn't find a decent place

Erkrie · 20/03/2021 08:50

If they are very active at home, cleaning, sorting out some bills themselves, dealing with things when they breakdown, shopping and cooking for their own meals etc... then it might be different but from experience, its rarely the case

I have often found that, particularly with slightly older males living at home, they certainly do all these things that you say. Such a generalisation to assume otherwise.

May17th · 20/03/2021 08:51

One can still do adulting whilst living in the family home hmm

Firstly I have already said if you have a reason such as saving for a house that is different as you have a goal. Secondly I have spoken about women living at home not men in my example I gave.

I wouldn’t want to have sex in my boyfriends parents house @Erkrie If that makes me shallow so be it. I would prefer privacy and space. I had a child at 23.

Everyone is entitled to pick and choose their preferences

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 20/03/2021 08:52

I also don't know why posters are assuming the default position is two grown men don't pull their weight.

I don't think many adults actually enjoy living at home either, even if they're getting their clothes washed for them. I'd say 99% of people endeavour to move out their parents' home

Erkrie · 20/03/2021 08:54

I wouldn’t want to have sex in my boyfriends parents house @Erkrie If that makes me shallow so be it. I would prefer privacy and space. I had a child at 23.

If you want privacy and space then you'd get your own property right?

chopsticksgalore · 20/03/2021 08:54

How is this anyone else's business? I really don't get how some people think they have a right to judge how other people live. What's it got to do with them?! Ignore ignore ignore

Erkrie · 20/03/2021 08:57

I don't think many adults actually enjoy living at home either, even if they're getting their clothes washed for them. I'd say 99% of people endeavour to move out their parents' home

I think the majority do try to move out. I think some younger ones may feel unhappy if they want to move and can't. For older people I have met that are still living at the family home, they often seem genuinely happy with that choice.

Frazzled2207 · 20/03/2021 08:57

If everyone’s happy, they’re paying their way and also doing their share of chores I think it’s fine. And makes sense really.

I once dumped someone who was living with their mum at 25- not because of living with their mum but he’d literally never cooked a meal or put a load of washing on. That I do find shocking.

Personally though we don’t live in a very big house and I think I really like to reclaim some space when my sons are 18! Also I lived all over the place and travelled a lot in my 20s. I’d like mine to do similar. Probably not in corona times though, and admittedly doesn’t help with the saving either.

Same4Walls · 20/03/2021 08:57

I also don't know why posters are assuming the default position is two grown men don't pull their weight

Me either. I doubt so many would have made this assumption if the OP had 2 daughters living at home. The most 'mothered' man I know move out at 18 and has since had a succession of girlfriends to do his housework and cooking for him.

Remmy123 · 20/03/2021 08:57

I'd rather my children stay with me to save hard for a house deposit then move out and rent.

Rewis · 20/03/2021 09:01

I think it is ridiculous to people comment on it. People don't have to say their thoughts out loud.

Erkrie · 20/03/2021 09:03

I used to date someone who was living with his mum in his mid twenties. And actually it was really good, he paid his way, he participated in the running of the house / cleaning / cooking, he looked after his mum, and it was nice to see that he had been brought up to take on responsibility for himself and the others around him.

EatChipsNow · 20/03/2021 09:03

The structural inequalities that force children into these arrangements are awful.

That said, every man AND woman I've met who's lived at home into their 20s has been deeply stunted in their emotional independence and practical capabilities. Nothing advances you further as an adult than moving into your own place - there's genuinely no alternative and you're fooling yourself if you think otherwise.

GreenlandTheMovie · 20/03/2021 09:04

Same4Walls Oh another fan of the chuck them at 18 when they're a grown man brigade

What age do you think most people start university?

Limiting your choice of university to the one commutable from your parents' home isn't a great idea. The one nearest my parents' home didn't even offer the vocational subject that I studied.

Just turned 18, in fact 17 when I travelled by train to the university open days, but 18 when my parents dropped me and my stuff off. Its hardly unusual. There were plenty of people from overseas there too who had travelled on their own with a couple of suitcases. Best year ever! I can't believe people think 18 is particularly young to leave home. Halls for the first year then into a shared flat with 2 others, responsible for paying our own bills, budgeting, etc. Bloody brilliant!