To be fed up of people keep telling me my sons are too old to live at home

[Fedup333336]

They are 25 and 27. Both work full time and pay their way.

" So many people agreeing it’s ok, but so many with the caveat “as long as they’re saving for a house deposit”. So if they’re not then it’s not ok? Surely people can make their own choices how to live their lives if it’s not impacting on anyone else outside the family? If the family themselves are happy what’s the issue, irrespective of the reasons."

Well yes. If they're happy to remain single for the rest of their days, then no need for them to save for a house deposit. Or if they're of a culture where it's normal for a new bride to move into mother-in-law's home, then there's no need for them to save for a house deposit.

On the other hand, if they're hoping to attract a wife (or husband, whatever, but it's more pertinent if it's a wife) then the wife is less likely to be happy about living in MIL's house and shadow, so actually, saving for a house deposit is a bloody good idea (and indication of what these lads want).

@Meruem the current set up now is a product of the industrial revolution where young people had to move to the cities to work in the factories. Subseuqent post war economic prosperity and suburbanization made it possible for many people to own their homes. In a sense, it is relatively unusual in the world - only richer countries have smaller nuclear households as its a much more expensive way of doing things- when 3 generations live together, they can pool their resources, including childcare and household expenses. I think that as the West gets poorer relative to the rest of the world, this trend of nuclear living will slowly reverse.

I grew up in Singapore and lived in a 3 generation household growing up- when I was a baby, we even had an aunt and her husband live with us. But I think it is more unusual now for the girls of my generation as most of them can afford their own homes, though like me, most would stay with parents for a few years to save up money for a deposit. I have a cousin who would be mortgage free after 5 years on a £property (which costs the equivalent of £400k) as he saved up hundreds of thousands while living at home for 10 years. He would be a lot more financially secure than me even though I bought a similarly priced property in London at the same time, as I could only save up 70k after 3 years and hence still have a debt of over £300k to repay.

However, I do have aunts who lack a pension who are renting out their homes and living with children - in this country, they would have gone on benefits instead but in singapore, they are not entitled to claim anything. In future, the UK government wouldn't be able to support the oldies without a pension and not everyone can downsize. So they may be forced to move in with children to save money.

"A spoilt mummies boy waiting for his wife to take up the slack is one of our worse nightmares. ( not saying all Italian/French(Spanish men are like the stereotype obviously)"

See that's the problem. In this country people automatically assume this to be the case, which I find strange. It is completely normal, i.e no such assumption in Italy for instance.
Another observation that stuck with me once was when I was at uni renting a room in the house of a family. One day I saw the 15 year old daughter taking her laundry to the laundromat. As there was one in the house I asked if it was broken. She said her parents don't let her use it because of "depreciation". She also was paying rent. The family was not poor. This, to an Italian, feels like there's something wrong with this family. A transactional relationship not a family one.. Sorry I digress, but feels related somehow.

Actually thinking about it, pretty much every man I know met their partners when they lived with their parents. Moving out if anything probably reduced their chances of finding a partner, for a start they had alot less money to go out and meet people.

The only thing I would say is that I hope they are doing a share of cooking, cleaning, other household tasks.

My NDN are in their 80s and both of their children still live there in their 50s - no caring responsibilities either way, they just like living at home

Each to their own, if you and your sons are happy OP, then its no ones business but yours.

Out son moved out at 17 when he joined the RAF and married at 19, our daughter 23 still at home.

I charge her rent, £50 per week, every penny goes in a savings account that she doesn't know about, when she leaves to get her own place I'll transfer the money to her.

Living at home she has a nice car, nice clothes, and pre covid a good social life and travels regularly. She also helps round the house a lot. Win win for us all.

Also the concept of life skills is pretty much nonsense as well. Many rich successful people pay people to do everything for them. Cristiano Ronaldo employs about 30 people to manage every aspect of his life and his mother often lives with him to do child care. In Mumsnet terms he must be a loser.

A lot of privilege in this thread. So many of you are mentioning your or your kids moving out by going to uni, not everyone has the chance to go to uni and do those types of things.
Also rent is expensive even on a shitty flat, when I lived at home I could never save for a flat on my minimum wage job because I still had to pay for food, transport, help with bills and rent etc for my mum, that's the position lots of my friends are in too. The only people my age who I know (late 20s) who have moved out are people who had kids and got a place or have been to uni.

It's such a white thing isn't it to have children moved out as soon as possible. I remember growing up and white parents always spoke about how they can't wait for their children to move out. Coming from a culture where it's normal to stay with parents and move out once your married or settled, we never had to hear our parents saying they can't wait for us to move out. I felt my white friends felt a pressure to move out as that's what was expected from them.
I think it's starting to become normal amongst white families, where the children stay with parents well in to their twenties. I have 4 neighbours, all their children are in their twenties and late twenties and still live at their parents, which I found quite surprising. I'd like them to move out so it frees up car space 😆 6 cars that doesn't need to be here haha

But yes op if your more than happy with the set up. It's extremely annoying to hear what others have to say about it, perhaps a tad jealous you have your boys with you. There's nothing wrong with it, it helps them to save up for their own place, also nice for you to have company.

If adults want to continue to live at home so be it. I do think there is value in independent living at some point and learning to be responsible for yourself and your space in a way that you will never be while still at home with parents.

Especially prior to moving in with someone else. While this can apply to both men and women, it seems more often it is men who have never learned to cook meals or clean a house or do laundry or keep a space tidy or manage costs and tasks needed to live independently and that then falls on the woman who was taught those skills while living at home.

My brother did that. Lived at home and saved up, met his girlfriend and they moved out and in together when he was 27. He has no domestic skills at all and she took them all on. It works for them living their very traditionally gender role lives but I personally think living in dependently teaches you a great deal.

I also know it isn't uncommon for mothers to keep wanting to take care of their adult children, especially their sons. There is a benefit to the mom too in not having her son take on independent responsibilities as she likes still being his mama and having a mama's boy.

Hahaha the devil is in the detail with this one!

Do they take their share of cooking/washing up/cleaning?

Do they do their own laundry and keep their rooms in order?

If so - fine.

If they are still living as they were when they were 13 - not at all fine, and likely to impact really badly on their future relationships, tbh.

Its no ones buisness . In most cultures its totally normal I have never understood the mindset" as soon as you turn 18 your an adult" . Hence why most people don't have good relationships with there families later on in life

It's such a white thing isn't it to have children moved out as soon as possible. I remember growing up and white parents always spoke about how they can't wait for their children to move out.

Some may. Plenty dont. I don't know anyone in real life who takes this attitude. Don't make this into a white thing.

I moved out when I was 23 (I’m 28 in May), my older brother moved out when he was 29 (I moved out years before he did!) And my sister who is 26 in April still lives at home. I don’t see any issue still being at home especially if they’re paying their way and saving for a deposit.. not sure why people are so bothered about something that has absolutely no affect on their life whatsoever. If they were lazy bums expecting you to pay their way I could understand where they’re coming from but..

@Whammyyammy

Each to their own, if you and your sons are happy OP, then its no ones business but yours.

Out son moved out at 17 when he joined the RAF and married at 19, our daughter 23 still at home.

I charge her rent, £50 per week, every penny goes in a savings account that she doesn't know about, when she leaves to get her own place I'll transfer the money to her.

Living at home she has a nice car, nice clothes, and pre covid a good social life and travels regularly. She also helps round the house a lot. Win win for us all.

That’s a really nice thought to save the money especially as your DD doesn’t know about it!

Hellomom It's such a white thing isn't it to have children moved out as soon as possible. I remember growing up and white parents always spoke about how they can't wait for their children to move out.

Quite shocked at this comment actually. My halls had many non-white people. I shared a 6 person house in 6th year with a Syrian, a Chinese woman, 2 British Pakistani girls and an Indian. Universities are full of non-white people who have left home, whether they are British or not.

Whereas I know lots of predominately white people in the rural local area that I now live in whose children are spoilt, cossetted and allowed to live at home until they meet their equivalent partner, (being bought a car on their 18th birthday) then the parents will help them buy a house.

I honestly had the impression that it was more of a white trend to allow children to stay in the family home indefinately and that the most ambitious and motivated people, keen to get out, get educated and start up their own businesses were non-white.

Leaving home at 18 to go to university really isn't as devastating as you imagine!

Whereas I know lots of predominately white people in the rural local area that I now live in whose children are spoilt, cossetted and allowed to live at home until they meet their equivalent partner, (being bought a car on their 18th birthday) then the parents will help them buy a house.

Christ almighty. This just gets worse. Posters just can't wait to shoehorn race into everything.
Which generally goes like this:
White people bad. Want to get rid of their kids. Spoiled. Cosseted.
All non white people: good. Do none of the above.

Just bloody well stop with the racial stereotyping.

I would be delighted if my sons were happy to stay with us while they saved up for a deposit!

Well it’s a difficult one, I wouldn’t want to live at home my entire youth and not have my own place to have parties/people over/live independently to save for a house deposit. A couple of years to start thing off, yeah, but when you hit 30 and are still at home, i find it a bit sad if I’m honest. But as long as you’re all happy it’s nobody’s business really.

@Whammyyammy

Each to their own, if you and your sons are happy OP, then its no ones business but yours.

Out son moved out at 17 when he joined the RAF and married at 19, our daughter 23 still at home.

I charge her rent, £50 per week, every penny goes in a savings account that she doesn't know about, when she leaves to get her own place I'll transfer the money to her.

Living at home she has a nice car, nice clothes, and pre covid a good social life and travels regularly. She also helps round the house a lot. Win win for us all.

That's a really lovely thing to do for your daughter and nice that you are in a position to do this. Not trying to be goady, but just wondering if you think your son will feel a bit hard done by? My kids are much younger, but always wondering what happens if one feels treated worse than the other in certain situations.

@onlychildandhamster

So interesting to hear a different perspective in this debate. I agree with you, the way things are going we will be having to look at alternate ways to live. I personally can see the positives in multi generational households. And I agree that our way of living isn’t the norm in many other parts of the world.

Is one way better than the other? Well that’s a matter of personal opinion. Some people on this thread have been extremely critical to any man who hasn’t tied himself to a mortgage by 30. I personally think there’s more to life than being a hamster on a wheel, but it is personal opinion.

However, having entered the dating pool at 40 I have met many men who did indeed do the whole mortgage/marriage thing by 30 but then divorced and found themselves either living back at home or in a bedsit by their 40s! I can see why women want a man with a home. In the event of divorce they’re likely to be able to hang onto it at least until the DC are 18. It’s men who need to move out and start again.

Thing is, a lot in this thread are equating "staying at home" to "continuing to live as a child". They are not the same thing at all.

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows happens to the best of us!