To be fed up of people keep telling me my sons are too old to live at home

[Fedup333336]

They are 25 and 27. Both work full time and pay their way.

My DS is 31 and currently lives at home. He hasn’t always done so. He’s lived abroad working as an English teacher. So plenty of “life experience”. I don’t do a thing for him. He cooks, cleans, does DIY around the home etc. Home gives him a base from which he can go out and explore the world, knowing he doesn’t have to worry about rent or mortgage. He pays his way when he’s at home but he’s free to go and do what he wants. After covid he may well go off again. We get on very well. Even when he’s abroad he will skype me twice a week for a catch up. I couldn’t care less what anyone else thinks of our setup. We’re both very happy.

My DS doesn’t really have any interest in a relationship or having DC of his own right now. A good job considering a lot of the answers on here! He may change his mind as the years go by but he would just find someone like minded. Not someone who just wants to join the rat race and be a cog in the machine. There are different ways of living life.

That said, every man AND woman I've met who's lived at home into their 20s has been deeply stunted in their emotional independence and practical capabilities
Nothing advances you further as an adult than moving into your own place - there's genuinely no alternative and you're fooling yourself if you think otherwise.

Well that's quite a sweeping generalisation. And one that is deeply rooted in the thought process of some of the posters here.

No one's business. I'd avoid those conversations. Just change the topic

That said, every man AND woman I've met who's lived at home into their 20s has been deeply stunted in their emotional independence and practical capabilities

😂😂😂 what total crap.

Limiting your choice of university to the one commutable from your parents' home isn't a great idea. The one nearest my parents' home didn't even offer the vocational subject that I studied

I went to the Uni that was a mile from my mum's home because it offered the course I wanted but I still moved out, for many reasons

@Fedup333336

Exactly surely it’s better people live at home and able to get a place they want. Anywhere thanks within budget for them to rent is in an area they don’t really want to live in.

In my view this is the problem, young people feeling entitled to live in the "right" area and own a house straight away.

You are grown ups, you need to move out of your parents house, start your own independent life and maybe that means you have to live in a slightly less nice, rented house, in a slightly less nice area, but that's how it is, you have to work your way up.

I am sure you as parents didn't move straight in to your nice house, in a nice area, you work and work your way up.

Don't expect it handed to you, start from the bottom and yes in my view mid twenties is too old to be living with Mummy.

@GreenlandTheMovie

Same4Walls Oh another fan of the chuck them at 18 when they're a grown man brigade

What age do you think most people start university?

Limiting your choice of university to the one commutable from your parents' home isn't a great idea. The one nearest my parents' home didn't even offer the vocational subject that I studied.

Just turned 18, in fact 17 when I travelled by train to the university open days, but 18 when my parents dropped me and my stuff off. Its hardly unusual. There were plenty of people from overseas there too who had travelled on their own with a couple of suitcases. Best year ever! I can't believe people think 18 is particularly young to leave home. Halls for the first year then into a shared flat with 2 others, responsible for paying our own bills, budgeting, etc. Bloody brilliant!

Errr I'm not sure of the link here. Many students don't leave home forever when they start university. Yes it's the start of independence for many but most uni students still come home regularly during their courses.

@Erkrie

That said, every man AND woman I've met who's lived at home into their 20s has been deeply stunted in their emotional independence and practical capabilities Nothing advances you further as an adult than moving into your own place - there's genuinely no alternative and you're fooling yourself if you think otherwise.

Well that's quite a sweeping generalisation. And one that is deeply rooted in the thought process of some of the posters here.

There might be a tiny percentage of people that are the exception, but for the vast, vast majority.... it's true.

This isn't the fault of parents or children, but for anyone who has their DC at home don't fool yourself into thinking it's fine. It's powerfully limiting. I work with hundreds of young adults at a university and the difference between those living at home and those who are independent is STARK. Your are enmeshing and stunting them.

It comes down to expectations. Some kids will help around and do maybe 20% of what they would need to do in their own place but the parents are happy with that 20% which does help them.

My kids are young, but I would hope that they stay living here for as long as necessary to save as much as possible, to enable them to be able to buy a place they can comfortably afford. I've told them that they can stay as long as they want. I also hope they don't make the same stupid mistakes I made in my early 20s!! I wouldn't give a damn what other people think. House prices in my area are obscene. Rental costs are stupidly high. It would make no sense at all for them to leave home early to then pay the mortgage of someone else!

EatChipsNow I also work at a university meeting many, many young people and I'd echo your thoughts exactly. It's really noticable how much more outgoing the students are who have moved out of the home are than the ones who haven't. The latter so often end up needing additional support just to accomplish basic tasks like using the library properly or actually turning up for lectures/tutorials well into first year. It's a really noticable difference and when I was a student, it's a difference that a lot of us noticed too.

I often wonder how much students that stay at home are getting out of the whole university experience. There are always unusyally gegarioys exceptions, of course, but the stay-at-honers are usually welded to their existing set of friends from school and less able to make the most of the opportunity to make new social groups with people from all over the world.

There might be a tiny percentage of people that are the exception, but for the vast, vast majority.... it's true

So the privileged kids whose families can help them out with their rent so they can move out them, are the ones who are not emotionally stunted then? But the kids that have had to remain at home because their parents can't pay their way are emotionally stunted right?

Have you actually stopped to think about your analysis of the situation here before you cast stones?

There's so much to unpick here, but I'm not sure if I can actually be bothered quite frankly...

@yomommasmomma
In my view this is the problem, young people feeling entitled to live in the "right" area and own a house straight away.

The real problem is that real living standards in the West are for 80-90% of the populace, measured by any reasonable standard, in serious decline and have been for two/three decades. The top 0.1% are however raking it in like never before, whether it’s during so called austerity or the pandemic.

The fact that air travel has advanced to the extent that Ryanair can fly you to Poland for £50 or you can get a mobile contract for £10 doesn’t make up for the extreme downward pressure on wages, and upward pressure on housing, energy prices etc, which is in effect 365 days a year multiplied by today’s kids whole life.

*edit not “two/three decades”, more like four decades.

@Proudboomer I am so sorry for your loss.
Your DS sounds like a son to be very proud of and someone a woman would be lucky to meet.
Kindness is a quality rarely listed on desirable traits for a partner but I think should be at the top.

It's up to you three. Personally I'm glad I moved out, I did go back a bit later. But if I hadn't moved out I wouldn't have been as independent as I am now.

Better to save for a house deposit. Hate it when people stick their noses in where it doesn't belong.

As a long term renter. It seems sensible to me. It would be nice if they could move out and save but it’s not realistic.

[quote Cam77]@yomommasmomma
In my view this is the problem, young people feeling entitled to live in the "right" area and own a house straight away.

The real problem is that real living standards in the West are for 80-90% of the populace, measured by any reasonable standard, in serious decline and have been for two/three decades. The top 0.1% are however raking it in like never before, whether it’s during so called austerity or the pandemic.

The fact that air travel has advanced to the extent that Ryanair can fly you to Poland for £50 or you can get a mobile contract for £10 doesn’t make up for the extreme downward pressure on wages, and upward pressure on housing, energy prices etc, which is in effect 365 days a year multiplied by today’s kids whole life.[/quote]
This is a great point. Having an iPad and access to cheap flights doesn't make up for not having a secure job or ability to buy a house in the area you grew up because you have been priced out.

Firstly it's none of anybody else's business. Secondly it's better for them to save for a deposit than renting

@GreenlandTheMovie

Have they ever lived at home? They can obviously do what they like, but many people who left home to go to university at 18 and have relished their independence ever since, despite having to pay for often rented accommodation, find it hard to cope with from a dating perspective.

Even at uni, a lot of the people who lived at home and went to the local university were harder to socialise with than those who were independent, and I often wondered how much of the university experience they missed out on.

So YABU to be fed up with people, many think that independence at that age is an experience worth paying for.

But it’s none of your business what someone else decides to do with their dc in their own home, which is what this thread is about.

You are grown ups, you need to move out of your parents house, start your own independent life and maybe that means you have to live in a slightly less nice, rented house, in a slightly less nice area, but that's how it is, you have to work your way up.

If that’s the barrier 90% would move out, but it’s not. To get an affordable rent is generally a long commute to work which is absolutely fine but affordable rent generally means no opportunity whatsoever to save. Or if they want to have affordable rent and save slowly then it’s a literal several hour commute each way which is physically impossible and no local professional jobs whatsoever.

So they can move out, have a long commute to work, not be able to save a cent towards a deposit and pretty much rent for life OR move to a remote area with rent where they can also save but have to move home anyway as no job means they can’t even afford the ultra cheap rent OR stay at home and save. Unfortunate there’s not much middle ground these days.

[quote M0rT]@Proudboomer I am so sorry for your loss.
Your DS sounds like a son to be very proud of and someone a woman would be lucky to meet.
Kindness is a quality rarely listed on desirable traits for a partner but I think should be at the top.[/quote]
Thankyou I am biased and so is his long term girlfriend who he has been with for 3 years.
She is his only partner so no doubt some judgemental poster will think this is wrong as well as he should be out dating a different woman every week and having lots of sex with randoms. Rather than committing to one and working hard so that they can afford a decent future.

@CantSayJack

I wouldn’t dream of wanting my children to leave. What is wrong with people in this country? You can’t wait to cart your parents off to a home and boot your own children out. In many cultures it’s the norm to live at home and leave when married or stay with in laws, looking out for each other. OP - nothing wrong at all, stuff what people think, it’s none of their business.

This . I find this country bonkers about this sort of thing.

Then again, I think attitudes are going to change about this soon. Our economic climate is such at the moment that I think living with parents until well into adulthood is going to become more and more common. The only problem is that if you don't have a safe supportive childhood family environment life will be even more difficult than it is now unfortunately

I think that given the cost of renting these days, I'm not at all surprised and don't blame them for living at home! If they could afford extortionate rent then they'd have no chance of saving for a deposit, unless they're on a high income