To be fed up of people keep telling me my sons are too old to live at home

[Fedup333336]

They are 25 and 27. Both work full time and pay their way.

Why do you care what others think?

@blue25

Why don’t they want to move out though? I hate dating men who still live at home with their mum. They’re like men children, with no independence or ambition.

Lol. Well, you pick 'em.

Tonty But it’s none of your business what someone else decides to do with their dc in their own home, which is what this thread is about.

Are you actually suggesting that people shouldn't comment on societal trends, or their negative experiences with men who stay at home? By way of comparison, in Italy, the "Little Emperor" trend of grown men who live at home, spoilt by their parents and causing exasperation amongst the women of Italy looking for suitable partners, is regularly discussed in media and newspapers. I have a number of Italian friends who are all too well aware of it.

Or perhaps we shouldn't comment on posts on discussion groups such as this? In which case, why did the OP post the thread if she doesn't want a discussion?

@EatChipsNow

The structural inequalities that force children into these arrangements are awful.

That said, every man AND woman I've met who's lived at home into their 20s has been deeply stunted in their emotional independence and practical capabilities. Nothing advances you further as an adult than moving into your own place - there's genuinely no alternative and you're fooling yourself if you think otherwise.

I completely disagree with that.

Getting your first job is what advances you the most.

I do think that’s why teenagers can seem younger now as not so many have jobs younger (not actually their fault - lots of jobs they’d previously do have vanished or are now done by older people).

I do think that’s why teenagers can seem younger now as not so many have jobs younger (not actually their fault - lots of jobs they’d previously do have vanished or are now done by older people)

I definitely agree with this sentiment. I genuinely cannot think of any jobs where I live for anyone under 16. People don't hire teens for babysitting any more, no one pays kids to wash cars etc and even the local free papers are delivered by people who have retired.

If adult dc work / contribute financially , respect the home and are doing their fair share of domestic work around the house I don’t see what the problem is
I only have issues with entitled adult dc who live at home , leech of their parents and do sweet FA around the home.
If everyone is happy with the arrangement, who gives a hoot what others think

My friend has her two sons in their twenties plus their partners living there. Similar to you they are saving for deposits . Her house isn't huge either . They all get on well together and seem very happy with the situation .

@GreenlandTheMovie

EatChipsNow I also work at a university meeting many, many young people and I'd echo your thoughts exactly. It's really noticable how much more outgoing the students are who have moved out of the home are than the ones who haven't. The latter so often end up needing additional support just to accomplish basic tasks like using the library properly or actually turning up for lectures/tutorials well into first year. It's a really noticable difference and when I was a student, it's a difference that a lot of us noticed too.

I often wonder how much students that stay at home are getting out of the whole university experience. There are always unusyally gegarioys exceptions, of course, but the stay-at-honers are usually welded to their existing set of friends from school and less able to make the most of the opportunity to make new social groups with people from all over the world.

I'm really struck by the similarities here. I've noticed exactly the same regarding those still living at home - they hold the same friendship group from secondary school and they live incredibly narrow lives and often struggle with empathy for anyone living outside a fairly mainstream existence. It's pretty sad, but as I said it's the nature of the system. These kids really really really don't want to be stuck with their parents (please don't fool yourself) but they don't have a choice

You have to take each case as it comes, but I do find that people who have moved out, or even moved region are more rounded in their attitudes to most things.

Living at home for an extended time means you only have first hand experience of one way of living, one set of standards. By the time I was 25, I'd lived with my parents, my university hall and house mates, alone, and with my husband, in four different places.

I have friends who lived with their parents through uni and now live in the same suburb they grew up in, living exactly the same lives that their parents did. Because I grew up in a rural area, all my childhood friends had to move away to learn and earn, and there's just something a bit more about them than people who've only known one way of life.

(oh, and there was no difference in our abilities to buy houses either)

I do however agree that sometimes people who "can't afford to buy" actually mean "I can't afford the overpriced bland new build in an fancy area". They could buy a smaller, less impressive flat in a less desirable area, but won't. Sign of the times and the showy offy Instagram generation, I wonder?

I have a DAunt who, despite inheriting a house relatively nearby, was still living at home when both her DPs passed away, both aged 90+. She was in her 60s at that stage.

The rest of her DSiblings had lived at home later than many though, 1 left for work in another city, 1 left for seminary but the other 3 only moved out when they got married in late 20s/mid 30s.

@thecatsthecats

You have to take each case as it comes, but I do find that people who have moved out, or even moved region are more rounded in their attitudes to most things.

Living at home for an extended time means you only have first hand experience of one way of living, one set of standards. By the time I was 25, I'd lived with my parents, my university hall and house mates, alone, and with my husband, in four different places.

I have friends who lived with their parents through uni and now live in the same suburb they grew up in, living exactly the same lives that their parents did. Because I grew up in a rural area, all my childhood friends had to move away to learn and earn, and there's just something a bit more about them than people who've only known one way of life.

(oh, and there was no difference in our abilities to buy houses either)

Same. By the time I was 25, I'd left home at 18, one year in halls, next year in a shared flat, the following year abroad on Erasmus sharing a flat with nationals of that country, final 2 years in a different shared flat. I also travelled away from the university town each summer to work and finance my studies. Then a year out living and working in Switzerland and Italy for 6 months each. Then into graduate level job living in a cheapish house share but still in a house I could never afford to buy while saving a deposit.

A lot of it was fairly profitable as I worked too, and it also improved my language skills and gave me friends in those countries for life.

The way some people talk, you'd think it was some abhorrent suggestion that young people can actually leave home, house share and save for a deposit at the same time. So many people just get on with it without a second thought.

@Fedup333336

Exactly surely it’s better people live at home and able to get a place they want. Anywhere thanks within budget for them to rent is in an area they don’t really want to live in.

To be honest, I think it's good for people to live in a less desirable area for a bit, nothing like experiencing how the other half live to develop some empathy and build resilience.

I live at home as I'm studying an intense degree in an expensive city and i simply can't afford to be "independent" at this stage of my life. If anyone objects they can by all means give me the money to rent a flat!

The way some people talk, you'd think it was some abhorrent suggestion that young people can actually leave home, house share and save for a deposit at the same time. So many people just get on with it without a second thought

When I was younger it was possible to do those things. My rent when I first moved out was £18 per week in a shared house bills included. Even when I moved to a new town the rent was only £35 pw. I was easily able to work part time and study. As there were grants available at the time I was also lucky enough to benefit from that. House prices weren't through the roof. My first house I bought was £38000. It's not the same for young people now. Rents are high, wages are low. It's no wonder people have to remain at home for longer. It would be impossible to rent and save on today's rents / wages / huge housing costs. Don't try and pretend it's not.

every man AND woman I've met who's lived at home into their 20s has been deeply stunted in their emotional independence and practical capabilities. Nothing advances you further as an adult than moving into your own place - there's genuinely no alternative and you're fooling yourself if you think otherwise

My adult 20+ dd is living at home and nothing could be further from this description. If anything I might have moved out of the family home at 17 and had a place of my own but it certainly didn’t make me mature or practical. The only difference was I was paying a landlord instead of my mother and it was cheaper
Compared to my dd who at 17 didn’t have to think about paying for rent or anything else and was able to pursue the career she wanted instead of just getting any job and clinging on to any bf because they had there own car and took her out to eat. My dd is far more mature and capable than I am now. I am the one who has issues over being on my own and can’t hold down a job and have done my whole adult life. My dd is the one who broke off a 3 year relationship with a lovely guy who she found was just not right for her. I stayed and ended up married.

I see it in some of my dds peers who have been forced out of their homes too early. They are all in their 20s and on the face of it have their degree and a job and a flat and seem to tick all the boxes but a couple have anorexia, one has joined what looks like a cult and several seem to have a problem with alcohol and drugs.

I hope my DS is still living at home at that age rather than spending money renting. If they can live at home whilst saving for their own properties and you're all okay with the situation then why not?

YANBU OP

Do what you want to do

Tell them to fuck off.

One of the nicest men I know, is 37 and lives at home with just his mother. He is an absolute gent and gorgeous looking and I think the woman that gets him will be very lucky indeed.

@Same4Walls

I do think that’s why teenagers can seem younger now as not so many have jobs younger (not actually their fault - lots of jobs they’d previously do have vanished or are now done by older people)

I definitely agree with this sentiment. I genuinely cannot think of any jobs where I live for anyone under 16. People don't hire teens for babysitting any more, no one pays kids to wash cars etc and even the local free papers are delivered by people who have retired.

My DD1 is the only one of her friends who had a regular babysitting job, and that started accidentally almost when someone needed an hour of babysitting in an emergency.

The local theme park and holiday park was like a right of passage in terms of teenage jobs, but so many of the jobs are now done by older people.

Saturday job in the corner shop, and even answering phones in the local takeaway are done by people retired from their original career.

It’s a shame because that first job is the biggest step up in maturity imo.

I'd love to live back home and save for a house, but I have a family now, so stuck paying £1100 a month rent!

My wife is slowly convincing me to move back to her home country where she has a flat with no mortgage to live in!

Or the other option for us is to move into her mums house in a different country(Austria) but the only downside to that is both me and my wife will have to learn another language

I understand the desire (and need) to save for a house deposit, but it seems to really be at the expense of living life for some. I know times are different, but I was that age about 15 years ago and can't imagine spending my twenties living with my parents with the end goal being a house deposit.

It's nobodies business tbh.

If they are saving for a house deposit it seems pretty sensible if everyone is happy with this arrangement.

Understandable if they prefer it to living in a houseshare with a bunch of randoms and helping to pay another person's mortgage.

So many people agreeing it’s ok, but so many with the caveat “as long as they’re saving for a house deposit”. So if they’re not then it’s not ok? Surely people can make their own choices how to live their lives if it’s not impacting on anyone else outside the family? If the family themselves are happy what’s the issue, irrespective of the reasons.

During lockdown I’ve had time to read more about different cultures (currently reading a book about an amazon tribe) watch documentaries etc. Even shows like tiny house nation and a very interesting Chinese home makeover show! (families of 3 generations living in tiny spaces).

It’s really struck me how in this country we are so wedded to how things “should” be done. School, uni, job & move out, have family, die (well once the house you spent decades buying has been sold to pay for your care in old age!). Of course if that’s the life you want to live, absolutely fine, but why is there judgement on people who don’t? Live and let live as they say!