To expect DH to understand that his children aren't substitutes

[PallyTally]

DH has 2 children from previous relationship and we have 1 together.

I am dealing with the age old I want more children but DH doesn't. I'm trying to come to terms with it but it's hard. I've accepted that's his decision though.

However, one thing that really gets to me is that he doesn't seem able to understand it from my POV. Whenever we've had conversations about it he always makes comments about how we already have 3 and he acts annoyed if I point out that we do not, he does. I have one and tells me that maybe I just need to work on 'accepting' the DSC more and it will help.

I am not unaccepting of DSC. But they aren't my children. And whilst I've accepted DHs decision that he doesn't want 4 children, I wish he would appreciate that for me that means no more than 1 child.

AIBU for asking him to be more sensitive about this and to understand that it isn't the same for me as it is for him.

I totally get where you are coming from. I have 2 older DSC too and my my DH doesn't see it being different for me then it is him. They already have a Mother so thats not my role with them so it's very different from with my own DC.

Doesn't mean they aren't 100% part of the family and that I don't live them but being a step mum is very different from being a mum in ays I would never have understood before I experienced both roles myself.

He needs start acknowledging your feelings are valid and not a criticism of his older DC.

You need to accept that he's allready been through that stage of having had children and likely just had one with you to keep you semmi happy.

Wow.

I understand what you're upset about OP, and it's not fair of him to invalidate your feelings like that. There's no way he's that stupid and he is being obtuse and disingenuous. It would upset me too. It's wrong of him to act as if you aren't sacrificing anything and haven't got the right to be sad.

That would bother me more than the lack of another child. He doesn't want any more for practical, personal reasons, but invalidating and denying your resulting sorrow is him not caring about your feelings.

@PallyTally

I just wish he'd allow me to get over the fact I'll only ever have 1 child in my own way, just let me feel sad about that and move on from it without acting like it's an insult to his children.

I understand all the 'its not about blood', but it's not just that. You could adopt a child and it would still be your child. But my DSC have a mother. They don't think of me as mum, they don't call me mum, I'm not responsible for them in the same way, the experience is totally different in lots of ways.

This is all completely reasonable and understandable OP. I wonder how many people on here with children who also have a stepmother, would be happy if their stepmother starting insisting that they were her children ? You and the children all know who their Mum is, I think it is pretty unkind of your DH to obtusely act as though this isn’t the case.

Cross posted with DrSbaitso

How many years are you together?
How many years have you spent rearing HIS children before ye had yereown?

Are you one of those poor women that was roped in by a man wanting to avoid parenting his own children so he finds any young single, childless women to do the job.
You have now had one child but he has zero interest in children in general so is insisting on only one child with you?

Have you been used as a mug?
Move on if you have.

Lots of step mothers are on MN, have a look.

massively YABu.

I’m saddened by how many people here still seem to put so much Stock in “full siblings” and “half siblings”.

I had hoped that attitude had passed.

@LovePoppy but that's their choice based on how they feel as who they grew up withS not every blinded family is the happy harmonious Brady bunch set up. IME particularly for 'first' families it can be very hard to form attachment to new half siblings particularly if there's been suffering because of a split

My DS is one of three but his (half) sister is 8 years older and lives with her mother and his (full) brother is dead.
He’s growing up as an only child, and will not longer be an only child if and when I have another baby.
DH, as eldest child of both his parents, who each went on to have more children after they divorced, sees it like that. I certainly didn’t bring it up.
He wants DS to have a full sibling who lives here and is brought up by us.
So that’s our “stock” in full and half siblings.

When people assume DSC are mine, they usually correct it themselves "She's not my mum!"

No offence taken whatsoever. I think both they and I would find it weird to let on that they were my children.

I would never say that I have 3 kids. I wasn't there for the first 2/3rds of their lives! How presumptuous would that be?

YANBU at all

DP did something similar at Christmas- he kept hinting I shouldn't be upset my kids weren't with us Christmas morning because his were He's usually pretty good too, but he really didn't get it.

I’m saddened by how many people here still seem to put so much Stock in “full siblings” and “half siblings”.

It’s not so much that people place “stock” on it, I think - it’s that situations vary with half siblings, whereas full siblings will almost always end up with the same family experience. And it does depend. I have two friends with DSCs. The first friend has a DD and a DSD who is 7 years older. The DSD had a pretty tricky relationship with her mum and moved in with them. So, yes - her DSD is very much her DD’s sister.

My second friend married a much older man; she has two children and her DSDs are 13 and 16 years older than her first child. They all seem to get on fine - and the older girls are very nice with their little half sisters - but they used to see them EOW (and, being teens, were out and about with their mates a lot then) and then were off to university and jobs. So they are very much “half siblings” (more like fun young aunties) rather than the “full sibling” relationship that her own two kids have.

There’s a huge range of situations.

So if this was in the reverse and he was pressuring you to get pregnant the
Whole of Mumsnet would be screaming LTB. He has said he doesn't want four kids. You need to respect that. He's being responsible.
The cries of "what if you split up" are ridiculous, if your already viewing from this angle then the relationship is already dead in the water.

I don't get why so many posters are struggling to understand how you feel,but in away, it's a good thing as it shows your OH is not an exception.

Of course your SCs can't replace having your own. Sony for the fact that your OH could decide tomorrow he never wants to see you again and you would have no legal right to fight to still have regular contact with them.

That alone makes a massive difference. I expect if you brought it up this way, your oh would say he'll never leave!

It is also.possibke that he dies understand very well, and feels much sorrow and guilt for not giving you what you dearly wishes for, so he has convinced himself that his kids are as important to you as they are to him to ease the feeling.

@chocolateorangeinhaler

So if this was in the reverse and he was pressuring you to get pregnant the Whole of Mumsnet would be screaming LTB. He has said he doesn't want four kids. You need to respect that. He's being responsible. The cries of "what if you split up" are ridiculous, if your already viewing from this angle then the relationship is already dead in the water.

Except that:

a) it isn't happening in reverse, it's happening like this

b) she's not pressuring him to agree to another child

c) she is respecting his decision.

She's just upset because he refuses to acknowledge that she has a right to be sad and that there is a real difference between the experience of being a mother and being a stepmother (or father and stepfather). He is invalidating her sorrow and sense of loss, and pretending that she has no reason not to think of the children who aren't hers, who have a mother already, who do not call or consider her "mum", as her very own children.

It's one thing not to want more children. It is another to pretend that your own children should satisfy in your partner the same part that they fill in you.

I'm afraid I think the poster who said he might have had another just to keep OP semi sweet might have been right. Not because he doesn't want more (though he did never commit to wanting them) but because he is being so disingenuous and uncaring and obtuse about WHY she is upset.

That’s the kind of conversation you should have had long before you had your first child. Has he changed his mind?

I think when you get into a relationship with someone who already has 2 children, this is one of the things that you need to take into consideration. 3 kids is plenty.

She's just upset because he refuses to acknowledge that she has a right to be sad and that there is a real difference between the experience of being a mother and being a stepmother

But the OP is both. If one child isn’t enough, why would two be? Would there then be another etc.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

She's just upset because he refuses to acknowledge that she has a right to be sad and that there is a real difference between the experience of being a mother and being a stepmother

But the OP is both. If one child isn’t enough, why would two be? Would there then be another etc.

Is this a serious question? Many people (most) want more than one child. Doesn't mean they keep on popping them out without limit for as long as they physically can. Hell, the husband had two before he met her!

What a strange comment. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were clutching at straws to invalidate OP's feelings and put her in the wrong come what may.

YANBU OP. He is not BU not to want another, and you have acknowledged that.

But making out that your SC should be counted as your own children isn't on, at all. It's an entirely different thing and it belittles the experience of having your own child, the relationship you have with them, and the bond you share. I'm a SM with no children of my own, and whilst I'm fond of my SC cannot imagine for one minute that its anything like I would feel for my own child. Your DH is being incredibly obtuse in how he sees this, perhaps because he thinks it bolsters his argument for not having another.

Early on in being a SM I was often told things like 'lucky you, all the fun of children without the drudgery' (or, no) and an occasional 'oh I thought you did have a child?' when I said I had none. One friend expressed complete amazement when I said that although I was fond of my SC, I didn't love them - 'but that's your DH's child you're talking about!!". I think some people do struggle to understand that these are not 'your' children and any bond you share will be entirely different due to the circumstances, particularly where their mum is still around and an active parent.

@florapalmer

YANBU OP. He is not BU not to want another, and you have acknowledged that.

But making out that your SC should be counted as your own children isn't on, at all. It's an entirely different thing and it belittles the experience of having your own child, the relationship you have with them, and the bond you share. I'm a SM with no children of my own, and whilst I'm fond of my SC cannot imagine for one minute that its anything like I would feel for my own child. Your DH is being incredibly obtuse in how he sees this, perhaps because he thinks it bolsters his argument for not having another.

Early on in being a SM I was often told things like 'lucky you, all the fun of children without the drudgery' (or, no) and an occasional 'oh I thought you did have a child?' when I said I had none. One friend expressed complete amazement when I said that although I was fond of my SC, I didn't love them - 'but that's your DH's child you're talking about!!". I think some people do struggle to understand that these are not 'your' children and any bond you share will be entirely different due to the circumstances, particularly where their mum is still around and an active parent.

Excellent post.
Many people do struggle to understand that. Clearly some of them are on this thread.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

She's just upset because he refuses to acknowledge that she has a right to be sad and that there is a real difference between the experience of being a mother and being a stepmother

But the OP is both. If one child isn’t enough, why would two be? Would there then be another etc.

What a bizarre post. Do you have 12 kids or something?

Why are so many people offended by the idea that a woman doesn't love children who are not hers, as though they were hers? Especially when their actual mum is alive and well, and very much involved? I'm struggling to see how this is offensive or unacceptable to anyone. Surely the opposite is more offensive, to their actual mum?

Baffled.

@PallyTally I feel for you, but I think his is a pretty common view in this situation.

My friend is on the opposite side, she has 2 sons; and they have 1 daughter together. He wants another, but she feels done. She’s got 3 kids, she feels that is enough. She argues the same as your husband - they may not be biologically her partners children, but they’re with them 50% of the time, and member of their family... so as far as she can see, they have 3 kids.

He feels he has 1, because the other children have a father...

I have no answers, but I think it’s a perspective thing; and neither of you are being unreasonable to wish the other could see it from your view.

What is it specifically that your husband thinks would be easier if you considered yourself to have 3 children? I know you’ve said you’ve accepted his decision and you’re not moping or mentioning it all the time... would he disagree?

Maybe it’d help to work out, with him, what you both think would be easier if they could see your way, and then work out another way to achieve whatever that is, if it’s a mutual goal.

Your family has 3 children, but you’re likely to always feel that you had 1, and he’s likely to always feel that he has 3, because logically, that’s the truth in most situations.

He feels he has 1, because the other children have a father...

I agree with him and to be honest I think it's pretty easy for the partner who has more children to say their partner/spouse should see it that way. They aren't the ones losing out on anything.

I see saying our family has 3 children and I have one as both correct. Yes there are 3 children in our family, because my husband has 3. Only 1 of them is mine though.