To expect DH to understand that his children aren't substitutes

[PallyTally]

DH has 2 children from previous relationship and we have 1 together.

I am dealing with the age old I want more children but DH doesn't. I'm trying to come to terms with it but it's hard. I've accepted that's his decision though.

However, one thing that really gets to me is that he doesn't seem able to understand it from my POV. Whenever we've had conversations about it he always makes comments about how we already have 3 and he acts annoyed if I point out that we do not, he does. I have one and tells me that maybe I just need to work on 'accepting' the DSC more and it will help.

I am not unaccepting of DSC. But they aren't my children. And whilst I've accepted DHs decision that he doesn't want 4 children, I wish he would appreciate that for me that means no more than 1 child.

AIBU for asking him to be more sensitive about this and to understand that it isn't the same for me as it is for him.

@PallyTally

He feels he has 1, because the other children have a father...

I agree with him and to be honest I think it's pretty easy for the partner who has more children to say their partner/spouse should see it that way. They aren't the ones losing out on anything.

I see saying our family has 3 children and I have one as both correct. Yes there are 3 children in our family, because my husband has 3. Only 1 of them is mine though.

I say this all the time to people I meet if/when the topic of kids comes up. "I have 1, a teen daughter; my partner has 2".

It would literally make no sense to say "yeah I have 3". For a start, two of them are the same age give or take a few months (my DD14 and his DS13), and they're clearly not twins - so something would look amiss if I started telling people they were all mine!

What is it specifically that your husband thinks would be easier if you considered yourself to have 3 children?

That I wouldn't be upset I didn't have more than one child because I already do have more then one... Apparently.

Than*

@PallyTally

What is it specifically that your husband thinks would be easier if you considered yourself to have 3 children?

That I wouldn't be upset I didn't have more than one child because I already do have more then one... Apparently.

He needs to read this thread then and understand how the vast majority of women (and specifically step mums) think and feel! Incidentally i mentioned this thread to DP last night (as I said, I have 1, he has 2). He thought your DP was an insensitive arse for saying that - and that's coming from a man who is with a woman who says "my kids, your kids" all the time.

If someone were to ask you how many children you have and if the same person were to ask your husband the same question I wonder what the answer would be.

It's not the same especially if the other two children have a mum who is a good parent. To say you have three children is insulting to her !

If this were me I would be upset.
If this were me I would have remembered the first conversation about it and stick to the original story. I would feel let down.

And having just thought more about it, I use the phrase "your two" all the time in our general conversations about stuff. E.g. "do you think your two would enjoy doing that too?" or "when your two are next over, we should ...." etc.

It would all kinds of weird if I started going "when our two are next here, we should ....".

He'd think I'd lost it frankly.

How do others refer to their SCs, in the type of conversations above, out of interest?

He must understand the difference because he did have another child with you. So he realised that, wonderful as his two undoubtedly are, they weren't going to fill the same space in you. They weren't even going to fill the same space in him, if he did indeed want to have a child with you.

[quote JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]@LovePoppy but that's their choice based on how they feel as who they grew up withS not every blinded family is the happy harmonious Brady bunch set up. IME particularly for 'first' families it can be very hard to form attachment to new half siblings particularly if there's been suffering because of a split[/quote]
I guess it just makes me sad.

I have a wonderful stepMother who does treat me like I’m hers.
My siblings are my siblings despite different labels others insist on putting on us (adopted sibling/half siblings)

I know it’s not everyone’s experience, but my life would be much less without all those people that seem to be dismissed often on threads like this.

I would be less if my stepmother treated me and felt about me the way so many here talk about Step kids

I do think if you think you can’t care or love your partners kids (if you marry when they are children) you need to seriously consider that before marriage.

I'm being 100% honest here - I really don't think your relationship is going to last @PallyTally It rarely does when one wants another and the other doesn't. I get that you've accepted his choice but honestly, I don't think you're ever going to be able to fully let it go.

I'm now a single parent and at 37 in a few months, I'm unlikely to ever have another (health issues mean I wouldn't be able to be a mature mother - long story)
Even if I met someone tomorrow, by the time we're at that having kids stage I'll likely be unable to consider it.
However I desperately want another. Even though I know the issues surrounding it, I think about it every single day - multiple times.

The heartache will NEVER go away

I do think if you think you can’t care or love your partners kids (if you marry when they are children) you need to seriously consider that before marriage.

"Care" and "love" are not the same.
Especially maternal type love.
It's ok to care about your partner's kids; but you don't have to love them.

I do think if you think you can’t care or love your partners kids (if you marry when they are children) you need to seriously consider that before marriage.

What has OP said to make you think she doesn't care about or love her stepkids?

It's not fair to box someone up to say that if they want a child of their own, it means they can't love their stepchildren. It's not a zero sum game in that sense and it's unfair to restrict and invalidate people's feelings on the matter like that, on such faulty logic. By this reasoning, people who want two or more children don't love the first one. Or people who love their mothers can't love their fathers. It quite simply does not work that way.

OP I do understand what you mean and I think a lot of step parents would too. There’s a huge bit of grey between having a step child who you’re mum to and having a step child who has a mum already.

I think age of your step kids is also a factor, my own experience is that younger step kids are kind of, happier to take you on board as a parental figure whereas older ones see it as a betrayal and they get caught between loyalties.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. You had a goal and that goal is now unattainable. It will take you time to come to terms with that.

Only you really know where in that spectrum of grey you sit. On Mother’s Day do you get presents from all three of your kids or just one? If the eldest fell over and was upset would they go to you or Dad? Do you go to parents evening for those two step children?

Maybe try and explain it to him in those terms, because at the end of the day sometimes for step parents those are the times where...it really becomes apparent how ostracised you can feel.

To a parent, they are the highs and lows; a child needing you, a child doing well and you can have pride in them, a child saying they love you. To a step parent sometimes we love and support - we home school for example - but yet we don’t get to sit in front of a teacher and hear that it paid off.

Could you try that tack? It might help him see that, yes, we do have three children. But in MUM terms, I have one. And that’s why I’m sad.

@ukgift2016
You should see the step parent forum. It's vile the way they talk about their step children, resentment is full on there.

I think sometimes it’s a thankless task to be a step parent. In some cases you can be reduced to being a maid, in some cases you’re left with kids who have been raised in a way you wouldn’t raise them, in others the expectation that you will perform ‘motherly’ duties is high but with none of the control or reward. I had to teach my step child, but I am forbidden from contacting his teacher about work he can’t do - that’s frustrating.

My step child desperately needs statementing - I can’t access any of those services to help him.

It really does breed resentment to have a huge amount of responsibility to at the end of the day, a little person who wants and needs you, but yet have no power or control over making their life better. Maybe try and appreciate that.

My fiance a step dad and has been amazing with my daughter, he has taken her on as his own. We never would have remained a couple if he wasn't willing to accept us all together as a family.

I had a step dad like this too, from the age of two to seventeen. And he was amazing. When he and my mum divorced I never heard from him again. Meanwhile my biological father has been, a somewhat flakey constant in my life but still is still around.

Best laid plans often go awry.

You should see the step parent forum. It's vile the way they talk about their step children, resentment is full on there.

Ugh, YANBU at all, and his attitude is highly self absorbed and insensitive.

He does have 3 children, you chose partner with children so yes the collective we is yes 3 children.

In my case I have 2 children, dp also has 2 children so if anyone asks I say we have 4 children between us, so no more children! They might not be biologically mine but the responsibility is real, he is financially responsible for them (sort of they are adults) and similarly me.

Your dp is being responsible

YAnbu. You need to spell it out to him exactly as you have on here.

@minniemoocher

He does have 3 children, you chose partner with children so yes the collective we is yes 3 children.

In my case I have 2 children, dp also has 2 children so if anyone asks I say we have 4 children between us, so no more children! They might not be biologically mine but the responsibility is real, he is financially responsible for them (sort of they are adults) and similarly me.

Your dp is being responsible

Responsible by not wanting more, certainly, but OP has made it very clear she has accepted that, it isn't the subject of the thread. There is no "collectively" when it comes to being a parent or not, he has three children and she has one. Being with my partner doesn't mean I "collectively" have four kidney's, we are separate people. He is not being in the slightest bit responsible or reasonable by denying that and essentially disbelieving OPs right to feelings about only having one child.

Being with my partner doesn't mean I "collectively" have four kidney's, we are separate people.

Oh I love this analogy. Someone will be along shortly to tell you that you should love all four kidneys equally, no doubt 😂

Being with my partner doesn't mean I "collectively" have four kidney's, we are separate people
See also - “we are pregnant”

[quote ukgift2016]@LovePoppy

You should see the step parent forum. It's vile the way they talk about their step children, resentment is full on there.

My fiance a step dad and has been amazing with my daughter, he has taken her on as his own. We never would have remained a couple if he wasn't willing to accept us all together as a family.

I feel for the OP husband, he has THREE children that he has to emotionally and financially invest in. Another baby for him would mean 4 he would have to provide for, his choice not to have another.

Vile thread.[/quote]
Honestly what have I said that's vile?

I have not said I don't love or care about my step children. All I've said is its different to having children of my own. And that is true. Not just emotionally but in every day things. They have a Mum which isn't me so obviously the experience is different to being my childs mother. I honestly can't understand what is so 'vile' about that.

It seems that it's only okay to think of DSC as your children when it suits on here. There was a thread the other day where a SM dared to say she was proud of her step daughter on Facebook and the uproar over it was in such contrast to this thread.

Do people actually know what they want from step mother's or do they just make it up as they go along? Don't step on toes but treat like your own, you're not their mum but they are your children. Seriously what do people actually expect?

I'm not horrible to my DSc, we get on really well. I care about them a great deal. But I'm not their mum and they aren't my children. I don't see why I'm vile for saying that.

I feel for the OP husband, he has THREE children that he has to emotionally and financially invest in. Another baby for him would mean 4 he would have to provide for, his choice not to have another

And honestly, just read the damn thread ffs. I've said REPEATEDLY that it absolutely is his choice and I respect that. It's not the subject of the thread.

Also, I have a step dad too. A really good one. One that hasn't treated me any differently to a child of his own. But I totally understand that he isn't my Dad and that his experience of being a father to his children will have been different to that of being a step father to me, because I already had an involved Dad who did that role.

I don't understand why OP is getting such a rough ride here.

It looks to me like it is her DH who has changed his mind. He was previously open to having more than one child with OP, but has now decided he wants no more.

Whilst I totally accept he has that right, it's bloody insensitive of him to insist that OP already has three DC

Up to you OP. I might be inclined to leave and have another child, but I have never loved a partner as much as I love my DC, and I have a friend who was in your position and it ended very badly for her. Her DH insisted he would not have any more children so she very sadly accepted this. When she was too old to have any, he had an affair with a younger woman and of course she got pregnant and he was "World's Proudest Dad".......