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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to understand that his children aren't substitutes

323 replies

PallyTally · 19/03/2021 16:46

DH has 2 children from previous relationship and we have 1 together.

I am dealing with the age old I want more children but DH doesn't. I'm trying to come to terms with it but it's hard. I've accepted that's his decision though.

However, one thing that really gets to me is that he doesn't seem able to understand it from my POV. Whenever we've had conversations about it he always makes comments about how we already have 3 and he acts annoyed if I point out that we do not, he does. I have one and tells me that maybe I just need to work on 'accepting' the DSC more and it will help.

I am not unaccepting of DSC. But they aren't my children. And whilst I've accepted DHs decision that he doesn't want 4 children, I wish he would appreciate that for me that means no more than 1 child.

AIBU for asking him to be more sensitive about this and to understand that it isn't the same for me as it is for him.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/03/2021 22:13

Maybe the children didn’t want her to refer to them as her step children stayathomer. You assumed a lot based on nothing much and that she was at fault. Why is that?

Original poster
PallyTally · 19/03/2021 22:14

@stayathomer

Really tough situation OP but I do hate the 'they're not my children' thing because my uncles wife would always say in front of us 'they're not my nieces they're my husband's' so later when I came to know a stepmother who made a point of introducing her step children as 'these are John's children', I just thought 'what a shitty way to grow up'. Do you not think it's lovely that he sees it that you're one family unit? And as for the people who are essentially saying 'ltb'- it just seems extreme. I don't know, I've no solution
I can't imagine a situation where I would ever need to say to the children 'you aren't my children' because I'm not sure why that would come up.

I would introduce them as my step sons though in the same way they'd introduce me as their step mother (more likely just my name) and not 'Mum'.

OP posts:
Original poster
PallyTally · 19/03/2021 22:15

@AnneLovesGilbert

Maybe the children didn’t want her to refer to them as her step children stayathomer. You assumed a lot based on nothing much and that she was at fault. Why is that?
Oh sorry I thought PP was suggesting they should have been introduced as if they were her children. You know just like 'these are my children, X and Y'.
OP posts:
Parky04 · 19/03/2021 22:17

YANBU. He is being unfair to expect you to consider his DC as your own.

P999 · 19/03/2021 22:18

I have no idea what's wrong with some people on this thread. The OP couldnt have been clearer. But you've had good advice I think. He needs to listen to you. You've very clearly said you have accepted his decision. In return, he needs to accept that how you feel is 100% reasonable. However well meaning hes trying to be, it has the effect of trying to shut you down. Which you are rightly pissed off about

AgathaAllAlong · 19/03/2021 22:19

I think the response you're getting is wild. Of course having step kids is different. For a start, you haven't been their primary carer all their lives, you don't make the major decisions that involve them and they don't look to you as their mum. You want another child to love and care for as a mum, not as a stepmum, and with whom to have that unique and special bond between parent and child. I'm sure their mum wouldn't be thrilled at you going around saying they're your children equally.

And yes, it's showing a lack of empathy for him to say you have three children and should think of your stepchildren as yours. You are entitled to your completely normal feelings of sadness and those feelings in no way dampen the no doubt important relationship you have with his children. He is probably saying it to avoid his own feelings of guilt about you not having as many as you'd like. Ask him whether he'd be saying that if you had no children together, I bet he wouldn't.

Thepennyhasdroppedq · 19/03/2021 22:22

Totally agree with you. He is being unfair and needs to take your feelings into consideration. I would put my foot down on this matter

ArabellaScott · 19/03/2021 22:24

YANBU. You feel how you feel, and however lovely your relationship with your stepchildren, it's not the same as having your own.

Devlesko · 19/03/2021 22:26

His reasoning is tactless, but he probably thinks he has enough responsibilities.
He could do it just for you even though he doesn't want anymore and be a useless Dad.

Oly4 · 19/03/2021 22:27

Yanbu. You can love your stepchildren but they’re not your children.
He has 3, you have 1

LucieStar · 19/03/2021 22:33

@joystir59

I think when you marry someone you become parents totally or partially to all the children you each have. So you do have 3 children together. And I also think it really unnecessary to feel hard done by because you can't have any more. Why not invest your parental energies in the 3 you already have.

Because she doesn't have 3, perhaps?

honeygirlz · 19/03/2021 22:37

Imagine if OP referred to herself as having 3 dc on her Facebook ((#myworld #blessed), the bio mum would be fumming and so would Mumsnetters.

Gilly12345 · 19/03/2021 22:43

Was this discussed before marriage?

I can see both points of view however I wonder if his decision is for financial reasons?

stayathomer · 19/03/2021 22:44

Maybe the children didn’t want her to refer to them as her step childrenstayathomer. You assumed a lot based on nothing much and that she was at fault. Why is that?

Do you mean the lady I knew? Because that lady was at fault. We went to a lot of the same kids parties that would be on the weekends she had the kids and she always said it as she walked in. And when people asked her did her kids want goody bags she always said 'oh they're John's'. It was horrible! With the op I'm just making the point that there doesn't have to be an obvious line drawn between children and step children and I'm not saying she does any of that rubbish, she sounds lovely!

Cadent · 19/03/2021 22:45

@stayathomer

Maybe the children didn’t want her to refer to them as her step childrenstayathomer. You assumed a lot based on nothing much and that she was at fault. Why is that?

Do you mean the lady I knew? Because that lady was at fault. We went to a lot of the same kids parties that would be on the weekends she had the kids and she always said it as she walked in. And when people asked her did her kids want goody bags she always said 'oh they're John's'. It was horrible! With the op I'm just making the point that there doesn't have to be an obvious line drawn between children and step children and I'm not saying she does any of that rubbish, she sounds lovely!

None of that is remotely relevant to OP.
stayathomer · 19/03/2021 22:48

Sorry I just meant children never need to know a distinction, they just need to know they have a family or families

Youseethethingis · 19/03/2021 22:52

I have previously corrected the assumption that my DSD is my daughter in front of her for two reasons

  1. she was 6 years old and her mother had permanently dyed her hair blue, on top of the previous pink dye which had faded and gone a horrible orange colour and her hair was like straw, it was awful - I was mortified to think someone would think she was mine and I would do this to a young child. Her mother can own her own ridiculous choices thanks.
  2. and more importantly, as DSD is prone to reporting back parts of stories to her mother, the last thing I wanted was for DSD to tell her mum that I had said I was her mother - She would have gone of her rocker at that. So yeah, DSD is one of the maybe 2 billion kids in the world who Are Not Mine. I have one living child. Only one. I’m not going to insult him, DSD or her mother by telling myself and others lies about how she’s equally mine.
Cadent · 19/03/2021 22:53

Nothing OP has said indicates she has treated her DSC as less than family.

LucieStar · 19/03/2021 22:54

@stayathomer

Sorry I just meant children never need to know a distinction, they just need to know they have a family or families

They're not daft though, they know who their parents are. They're already aware of the distinction.

Cam2020 · 19/03/2021 22:57

YANBU - his other children aren't yours and it's definitely not the same, but you already knew he had children when you married him and that surely must have been a consideration? He still has a responsibility to his other children, both emotionally and financially. Would you want four children?

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 19/03/2021 22:58

I agree that you shouldn't ever have to feel that they're your children. So many step parents do, and then they don't see them for dust if the marriage fails. It's sensible to be distinctive in most cases - they're yours and ExW's children, DS is our child.

BUT - I think if you are going to marry a man who already has 2 children you can't expect him to want loads with you as well. I tend to think in the case of "X wants more babies but Y doesn't", Y should always win. because the bottom line is nobody has the right to bring an unwanted human into the world.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/03/2021 23:00

John’s missus was kindly giving up her free time to take her step kids to parties while he was nowhere in sight, so she wasn’t that wicked a stepmum...

Back when parties were a thing I’d enjoy a couple of hours with a book while DH had quality kid time and did the taxiing.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 19/03/2021 23:00

They're not daft though, they know who their parents are. They're already aware of the distinction.

Exactly, of course they need distinction.

I loathe this whole abstract idea of "as long as they're love doesn't matter".

Well yes actually it fucking does actually. That line is just trotted out when people don't want to face the realities of the situation THEY have put their children in.

timeisnotaline · 19/03/2021 23:02

It’s a pretty big thing for you, so if he doesn’t get it I’d consider going to counselling where they can help him hear what you are saying. If he had a heart attack and died in 20 years would his children be there for you as support? They might have their own mum supporting them in their grief. Similarly when you are old and frail does he think they will be dropping by to hoover and deliver meals and have a chat if he’s not around? They might of course and no guarantee your own child will but the odds are better that your child is your child for life no matter what happens to him! It’s only one part of the having a child equation of course. But might be an easier part to communicate.
Have you left all your assets to your own child in your will? Does he know that? Sounds like he won’t be ok with that.

jimmyjammy001 · 19/03/2021 23:08

I'd be annoyed also if someone said to me we had 3 children together and 2 of them were not mine, in fact it would be a deal breaker if they see if that way and I would be off as you are both clearly not on the same page, unfortunately you have allready got a child with him and are now stuck, but his view is to be expected when having children with someone who allready has got kids, did you discuss how many children you would both like early on in the relationship? You need to accept that he's allready been through that stage of having had children and likely just had one with you to keep you semmi happy.

Had you not allready had a child together my advice to you would of been leave and find someone at the same stage in life as your self to avoid life problems like this and the many other negative sacrifices that dating somebody who allready has children brings to a relationship.