To expect DH to understand that his children aren't substitutes

[PallyTally]

DH has 2 children from previous relationship and we have 1 together.

I am dealing with the age old I want more children but DH doesn't. I'm trying to come to terms with it but it's hard. I've accepted that's his decision though.

However, one thing that really gets to me is that he doesn't seem able to understand it from my POV. Whenever we've had conversations about it he always makes comments about how we already have 3 and he acts annoyed if I point out that we do not, he does. I have one and tells me that maybe I just need to work on 'accepting' the DSC more and it will help.

I am not unaccepting of DSC. But they aren't my children. And whilst I've accepted DHs decision that he doesn't want 4 children, I wish he would appreciate that for me that means no more than 1 child.

AIBU for asking him to be more sensitive about this and to understand that it isn't the same for me as it is for him.

@LucieStar

Being with my partner doesn't mean I "collectively" have four kidney's, we are separate people.

Oh I love this analogy. Someone will be along shortly to tell you that you should love all four kidneys equally, no doubt 😂

Just think of all the things my body will be able to process with the extra power!

Seriously though, I really don't understand why this logic has proven beyond anyone on this thread. This logic of "collectively" being something and it being shocking to say you aren't doesn't apply in literally any other scenario. If one partner was sad about never having been abroad for example, and their partner had been on loads of holidays, you wouldn't say there was no point feeling down about it because they were "collectively" well travelled. Some people seem to be taking what's mine is yours far too literally.

I don't know why, because I have come to expect it from this forum generally, but I was pretty surprised to see quite how obstinately unsympathetic and illogical the early comments in particular have been on this thread. It is very clear that there is absolutely no angle from which the OP has been unreasonable, yet people have genuinely found a way to take a woman who has completely accepted her husband not wanting more children, but wishes he would stop shutting down her processing the reality of only having one child of her own by being insulted on behalf of his children, and call her unreasonable. It's mind boggling.

@Youseethethingis

Being with my partner doesn't mean I "collectively" have four kidney's, we are separate people See also - “we are pregnant”

A phrase that most on MN, ironically, seem to hate. 🙄

@PallyTally

You've said absolutely nothing remotely vile. What you're sadly experiencing here by a minority of posters is the vitriol that gets unfairly projected towards any step mother who dares to make a distinction between her own role and feelings, and that of a mother. It's as though even highlighting that distinction is in itself deeply offensive. It must be personal projection; there's no other reasonable explanation.

What you're also picking up on are the impossible double standards that are also frequently imposed on step mothers on here. You're heartless if you don't "love them as your own", but don't you dare overstep that mark in your parenting of them and don't expect a Mother's Day card etc - you're not their mother after all!

Head over to the step parenting board for more of the same. Including classics like "you knew what your were getting into". You'll see that an average of 10 times per post. Having said that, you'll also see a handful of very supportive and lovely posters who get it.

I used to gentle point out. That “you” have three children. Those children have a Mum. It is totally unfair and disrespectful to the children to just rebrand a new wife their Mum.

@lockdownalli

I don't understand why OP is getting such a rough ride here.

It looks to me like it is her DH who has changed his mind. He was previously open to having more than one child with OP, but has now decided he wants no more.

Whilst I totally accept he has that right, it's bloody insensitive of him to insist that OP already has three DC

Up to you OP. I might be inclined to leave and have another child, but I have never loved a partner as much as I love my DC, and I have a friend who was in your position and it ended very badly for her. Her DH insisted he would not have any more children so she very sadly accepted this. When she was too old to have any, he had an affair with a younger woman and of course she got pregnant and he was "World's Proudest Dad".......

Yep. Seen this happen over and over. I've also known women who compromised having more than one child for a man and sadly, their child died when they were too old to have more (and in one case the man did lockdown's friend's husband did ).

There's zero way I'd compromise the number of kids I wanted for a man, or my fertility or except it. Of course he's happy as Larry having three. I'd be pissed off AF at him saying 'we' have 3 or turning it back on me that it's my fault for not being more into his kids when they already have a mother.

But I'd also never even go out with a man who had kids when I was single and childfree.

It's sad you've accepted this with a man who's showing you he doesn't really care about your feelings.

@LucieStar
What you're also picking up on are the impossible double standards that are also frequently imposed on step mothers on here. You're heartless if you don't "love them as your own", but don't you dare overstep that mark in your parenting of them and don't expect a Mother's Day card etc - you're not their mother after all!

Absolutely this. In bucket loads. Actually, thank you for saying it because it literally is a thankless task.

What you're also picking up on are the impossible double standards that are also frequently imposed on step mothers on here. You're heartless if you don't "love them as your own", but don't you dare overstep that mark in your parenting of them and don't expect a Mother's Day card etc - you're not their mother after all!

Yes it is interesting to compare the general consensus that a SM should not expect recognition on Mother's Day (which I don't disagree with) with the amount of people that think it is shocking and offensive to not be fulfilled as a mother through having step children.

So stepmothers (in particular) are supposed to think of the DSC as their own but never refer to them as such.

Put them first in all situations as it’s not their fault they’re growing up in a blended family.

Never ever get involved in anything that can be construed as ‘parenting’ - because DSC has parents, and they’re not you.

Never ever express any negative thought - either in your own mind or on MN - as you’re clearly just a wicked stepmum.

Never ever express any pride or love in a public space for your DSC because it’s not allowed, you will upset the real parents of the child.

But...accept that you should also be treating said DSC as if they are your own.

Stepmums in particular get such a hard time. We can’t do wrong for doing right. Women come on MN to ask how to forge a relationship with a step child and are told not to do that, don’t overstep. Mums come on here and say they hate that - but so many on this thread think that OP should just be totally ok with her ‘three kids’ even though two aren’t hers.

I just don’t get it.

There are some really, fucking thick people on this thread!

OP, I completely understand, I hope you can make your husband see it your way, as in, you love your step children, but they have a Mum already!

YANBU in the slightest. You legally have one child; he legally has 3 children. Math doesn't seem to be his forte. Nor does empathy, an understanding of the law, a grasp of reality, etc. You sound like a lovely stepmom and I'm sure the stepkids and their mom are thankful for you in their lives. It doesn't change the facts; you are right and he is wrong.

He knows exactly what he's doing. The 'we' stuff is to shut you up.

@JackieTheFart

So stepmothers (in particular) are supposed to think of the DSC as their own but never refer to them as such.

Put them first in all situations as it’s not their fault they’re growing up in a blended family.

Never ever get involved in anything that can be construed as ‘parenting’ - because DSC has parents, and they’re not you.

Never ever express any negative thought - either in your own mind or on MN - as you’re clearly just a wicked stepmum.

Never ever express any pride or love in a public space for your DSC because it’s not allowed, you will upset the real parents of the child.

But...accept that you should also be treating said DSC as if they are your own.

Stepmums in particular get such a hard time. We can’t do wrong for doing right. Women come on MN to ask how to forge a relationship with a step child and are told not to do that, don’t overstep. Mums come on here and say they hate that - but so many on this thread think that OP should just be totally ok with her ‘three kids’ even though two aren’t hers.

I just don’t get it.

This is the best post I have read on step parenting in a long time! We genuinely cannot do right for wrong in regards to step children.

WhoTF is Chris Packham?

Sorry not helpful. Off to Google.

@JackieTheFart

So stepmothers (in particular) are supposed to think of the DSC as their own but never refer to them as such.

Put them first in all situations as it’s not their fault they’re growing up in a blended family.

Never ever get involved in anything that can be construed as ‘parenting’ - because DSC has parents, and they’re not you.

Never ever express any negative thought - either in your own mind or on MN - as you’re clearly just a wicked stepmum.

Never ever express any pride or love in a public space for your DSC because it’s not allowed, you will upset the real parents of the child.

But...accept that you should also be treating said DSC as if they are your own.

Stepmums in particular get such a hard time. We can’t do wrong for doing right. Women come on MN to ask how to forge a relationship with a step child and are told not to do that, don’t overstep. Mums come on here and say they hate that - but so many on this thread think that OP should just be totally ok with her ‘three kids’ even though two aren’t hers.

I just don’t get it.

It makes a lot of sense, doesn't it. 😂

You are being completely and totally reasonable. Everything you've said is perfectly sensible. He needs to empathise more, or reconsider his position - there are two of you, not just his view. Or you could consider what your future plans might be if this is something that will leave you feeling sad for the rest of your life. Anyway, whatever you do or don't do...you are definitely being reasonable and don't let him keep telling you otherwise.

Yanbu. I'm sure it is very difficult however if you got together knowing he has other DC it was probably always going to be an issue.
In saying that it is unfair you're expected to give up the chance of a second baby on his terms.
DSC wouldn't be the same as your own, you can love them but they are their DM's DC unless the other parent isn't around.

Lesson to be learned here if anyone is considering marrying a guy with children - don't.

However, the op does have a child of her own which is more than some people. Her husband was tactless, he just doesn't understand it from her point of view but if she doesn't mention having another baby, I doubt he'll say anything like that again.

@jessstan2

Lesson to be learned here if anyone is considering marrying a guy with children - don't.

However, the op does have a child of her own which is more than some people. Her husband was tactless, he just doesn't understand it from her point of view but if she doesn't mention having another baby, I doubt he'll say anything like that again.

Why should she have to never mention it? Why should he be allowed to steamroll over her feelings because he "doesn't understand it from her point of view"? He's not a child, he needs to learn to understand it.

if she doesn't mention having another baby, I doubt he'll say anything like that again.

You can't see the problem with this solution, can you?

Is he worth giving up a second child for?

Lesson to be learned here if anyone is considering marrying a guy with children - don't.

Rubbish advice. It worked fine for me. Many men aren't insensitive arseholes who expect a woman to be silenced about her own emotional pain and "just see my kids as your own and all will be hunky dorey". Some men are capable of a little more emotional intelligence and empathy, thankfully.

I never give advice, not qualified to do so, that was just my opinion. I am glad it worked out well for you. It seems to have worked out quite well for the op but she now wants something that her husband doesn't want and he is being somewhat insensitive about it.

@DrSbaitso

if she doesn't mention having another baby, I doubt he'll say anything like that again.

You can't see the problem with this solution, can you?

No. There are always things in life that we would like to happen but have to accept they are not on the cards. That's how it goes. There's no point at all in being miserable about a dream that hasn't and isn't going to become true because then we miss out on what we have in the here and now.

I do however think the op should emphasise to her husband that his attitude is insensitive; he should be made to understand how she feels about the difference between her stepchildren and biological child. He might 'get' it and keep schtum from now on.

@LucieStar
@JackieTheFart

Completely agree with you both.

But also you must as step mothers step in at any moment to provide free endless childcare, even when working FT.

If you are childless you must adopt the role of instant experienced au pair/nanny/skivvy...all because you have been silly enough to get involved with a man who has children.

Many of these men actively seek out a young childless woman to move in asap to absorb the parenting load, as these men are allergic to minutiae of parenting.

I firmly believe any woman who gets involved in this scenario is at best naive with little self respect and at worst down right stupid.

These men mostly don't want to parent their own children but will often agree to one child to lock the woman into her situation.

Her situation then becomes that she is the main skivvy for all three children.

A thread the other day on here where the new mother was getting attitude because with a newborn she no longer wanted to be responsible for school runs.
The actual parents of the children were pissed off as they thought it perfectly reasonable that HER mat leave became free childcare for them both.
You couldn't make this shit up.

In conclusion ANY single women is out of her mind to go within a hundred metres of a man with young children.

The OP has been totally played.

She should focus on HER child, down tools completely regarding HIS children and really, really think about what SHE wants for her future.

He could give a damn about what she wants.

@Cassilis

Is he worth giving up a second child for?

It never ceases to amaze me how many women think a man is (especially given the number I now know who end up leaving/dumping/divorcing said woman and fathering a child with someone else).

Lesson to be learned here if anyone is considering marrying a guy with children - don't.

Yep! 9 out of 10 times, there's a good reason why the relationship with the mother of his children broke down.