Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this piss you off or AIBU?

642 replies

Besswess88 · 17/03/2021 22:18

Today in a shop I dropped something out of my pocket at the self service, I knew I had but before I had a chance to pick it up a kindly man behind me said “you’ve dropped your card darlin” (my age, mid forties).

I know in the scheme of things it’s not important but anyone else absolutely hate being called “terms of endearment” by absolute strangers, esp when they are men.

It’s that low level misogyny that just grates on me.

OP posts:
Unisexnames · 17/03/2021 23:38

Just don’t drop stuff?? Keep everything safely in your purse then you won’t be able to get offended if someone helps you and addresses you in a way you deem inappropriate

SleepingStandingUp · 17/03/2021 23:38

@Lacucuracha

I think he showed bad manners, OP.

DH and I were in a spa just before lockdown 3.0 and were in a jacuzzi with an elderly man and (I assume) his wife. The elderly man was taking some time to step out of the jacuzzi and DH wondered if he should help and I suggested he wait to see if the man can or wants to do it by himself, or call for help (as he may not want to be touched by a stranger during a pandemic).

We waited a couple of more minutes and the elderly man could still not get out so DH asked ‘could I help you get out, sir’, to which the man responded yes.

They were very appreciative, but I think if DH had said ‘I’ll help you get out’ as soon as the elderly man stood up, that would have been very rude.

That's a totally different scenario.

Yours: involves touching, nakedness and aiming someone can't do something they're trying to do.
Ops: no touching, dressed, letting her know her thing was in the floor.

Milkshake7489 · 17/03/2021 23:40

You'd hate it where I live OP, everyone gets called love (unless addressing someone you care for who is younger than you. Then it's 'lovey').

Cassilis · 17/03/2021 23:41

@Unisexnames

Just don’t drop stuff?? Keep everything safely in your purse then you won’t be able to get offended if someone helps you and addresses you in a way you deem inappropriate
Jesus, how dare a woman drop and pick up her own card? Wtf is wrong with MN tonight?!
Sixdegreesofseparation · 17/03/2021 23:43

I think it's fine, god people get offended by the weirdest things 🤦

Marzipanfruit · 17/03/2021 23:44

What would you have wanted him to say? "Sorry Madam, I believe you have dropped something"? Get real and worry about things which actually matter.

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 17/03/2021 23:44

@Lacucuracha

I think he showed bad manners, OP.

DH and I were in a spa just before lockdown 3.0 and were in a jacuzzi with an elderly man and (I assume) his wife. The elderly man was taking some time to step out of the jacuzzi and DH wondered if he should help and I suggested he wait to see if the man can or wants to do it by himself, or call for help (as he may not want to be touched by a stranger during a pandemic).

We waited a couple of more minutes and the elderly man could still not get out so DH asked ‘could I help you get out, sir’, to which the man responded yes.

They were very appreciative, but I think if DH had said ‘I’ll help you get out’ as soon as the elderly man stood up, that would have been very rude.

Sitting in a bath with strangers is not really comparable to standing in a supermarket queue.
Lacucuracha · 17/03/2021 23:47

Sleeping
Plump

I think you are missing the point, which is that you wait to see if help is needed first. It’s presumptuous to jump in without waiting to see if the other person can handle it themselves.

Unisexnames · 17/03/2021 23:48

Oh come on!! This is so ridiculous, she dropped her card. Someone pointed it out and called her love and she’d already noticed she’d dropped her card. So what!!!! There are awful things going on in the world and this should not be a thing.

AliceMadHatter · 17/03/2021 23:49

@Sixdegreesofseparation

I think it's fine, god people get offended by the weirdest things 🤦
Some people just love being offended.
Obbydoo · 17/03/2021 23:50

Misogyny is probably the wrong word but it does feel incredibly condescending in most contexts. In another thread a poster called an OP 'sweetheart', not a clue why but it filled me with rage! 'Sweetheart' urgh!

SleepingStandingUp · 17/03/2021 23:50

He let her know she's dropped it, he didn't dive over and snatch it up. People really can get offended over anything!

Perhaps he should have waited till she's left the shop to give her time to realise she dropped it? Then yelled "madam, I'm sure you know and please don't think in telling you because I'm a man but you're bank card is upon the floor!"

Unisexnames · 17/03/2021 23:50

No, it’s just kind of nice to offer to help. Not presumptuous.

Amdone123 · 17/03/2021 23:50

What a kind man. Where I live, they'd have nabbed it and be out the door ! No, am kidding.
I think you just don't like being called darling. Some people don't, and that's fine. It doesn't bother me. We call complete strangers love, sweet, etc, all the time. I like it but I'm used to it.

Emeraldshamrock · 17/03/2021 23:51

He was friendly to you darling.

Unisexnames · 17/03/2021 23:52

Upon the floor 🤣

Cassilis · 17/03/2021 23:52

@Obbydoo

Misogyny is probably the wrong word but it does feel incredibly condescending in most contexts. In another thread a poster called an OP 'sweetheart', not a clue why but it filled me with rage! 'Sweetheart' urgh!
Exactly! MNers are offended by being called endearments by other MNers on threads all the time and yet when an OP posts that a man did it to her and she felt patronised, no one believes her.
Emeraldshamrock · 17/03/2021 23:52

Then yelled "madam, I'm sure you know and please don't think in telling you because I'm a man but you're bank card is upon the floor!" Brilliant 🤣

1forAll74 · 17/03/2021 23:54

Good grief. have you never travelled around the country at all..There are lots of little terms like this that people use in different counties. Chill out a bit !

SleepingStandingUp · 17/03/2021 23:54

MNers on threads all the time and yet when an OP posts that a man did it to her and she felt patronised, no one believes her. People do believe her, they just think she's being overly prescious about a man not waiting the alloted time before offering comment and then addressing her by her preferred title

JustDespair · 17/03/2021 23:55

@Besswess88

Yeah I kind of pointed that out in the OP but thanks anyway!
Well, then, fry the bigger fish. Christ.
23PissOffAvenueWF · 17/03/2021 23:57

The polite thing to do is to wait and see if the person picks it up themselves.

Right. Confused

And I’m working on the assumption that he did. And she didn’t.

JustanuthaLockdown · 17/03/2021 23:58

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I hate it too. I appreciate I am probably being unreasonable and it is just the way some people talk and is often a regional thing. I am from down south where it seems it's mainly men that use 'darling' 'love' etc, whereas up north it seems men and women do it.

I know people mean no harm by it, I just find it a bit demeaning....

Cassilis · 18/03/2021 00:00

@23PissOffAvenueWF

The polite thing to do is to wait and see if the person picks it up themselves.

Right. Confused

And I’m working on the assumption that he did. And she didn’t.

Yep, because you must always give the man the benefit of the doubt over the woman 🙄
funinthesun19 · 18/03/2021 00:00

Doesn’t bother me.