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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this piss you off or AIBU?

642 replies

Besswess88 · 17/03/2021 22:18

Today in a shop I dropped something out of my pocket at the self service, I knew I had but before I had a chance to pick it up a kindly man behind me said “you’ve dropped your card darlin” (my age, mid forties).

I know in the scheme of things it’s not important but anyone else absolutely hate being called “terms of endearment” by absolute strangers, esp when they are men.

It’s that low level misogyny that just grates on me.

OP posts:
Cassilis · 18/03/2021 00:02

@SleepingStandingUp

MNers on threads all the time and yet when an OP posts that a man did it to her and she felt patronised, no one believes her. People do believe her, they just think she's being overly prescious about a man not waiting the alloted time before offering comment and then addressing her by her preferred title
Maybe he should have just minded his own business, darlin’.
SilverBirchWithout · 18/03/2021 00:02

I agree with you op.

I sort of know I’m being irrational, but it’s always made me inwardly seethe. It does depend though, if someone is from the Midlands or the North it doesn’t annoy me at all.
It just feels patronising and misogynistic, particularly when I was young, and now as an older person it’s become patronising again. I sometimes reply thanks ‘sweetie’ back in my best patronising tone. But most of the time I just accept for most people it’s a turn of phrase and just quietly tut internally!

SleepingStandingUp · 18/03/2021 00:07

Maybe he should have just minded his own business, darlin’.

I can just imagine: Omg, aibu?? I went to the shop today and dropped my card and didn't notice. I went back two hours later and it was still on the floor. There was a man behind me in the shop, I'm sure he must have seen it, aibu to think he's a total arsehole for not telling me?

Also not sure why you think calling me darlin' is going to bother me? I love in an area where cock and bab is perfectly acceptable, darlin' certainly isn't anything to get my knickers in a twist over 🤣

Lou98 · 18/03/2021 00:08

People love to through the word 'misogyny' round 🙄

If you don't personally like it, that's fair enough but it isn't misogynistic! I'm in Scotland but working with the public I get this from a lot of people, and it's very much a mix of men and women, if not even more often older women, not just men

Cassilis · 18/03/2021 00:09

@SleepingStandingUp I’ve never seen anything remotely similar on AIBU. Shame you have such a low opinion of women.

And very telling that you automatically assumed my use of the endearment was patronising you. Thanks for proving my point Smile

MidsummersNightie · 18/03/2021 00:10

My sons god mother is from up north and constantly calls everyone under the sun, women, men and children, all sorts of "terms of endearment"

I'm from up North as well, and my Dad would call anybody "flower", man or woman.

cherrytreesa · 18/03/2021 00:11

The last time I dropped something out of my bag a man shouted "Here hen, you've drapped somethin' oot yer bag". I thanked him profusely, no offence taken. Hen would be the equivalent darlin' in Scotland.

Ineedcoffee2021 · 18/03/2021 00:13

If i got upset at how many old men called me sweetheart at work, id have lost my shit by now
I dont like it, im not your sweetheart and it comes of kinda creepy really but
Smile and nod

londonscalling · 18/03/2021 00:14

Get a grip on yourself! If that's all you've got to worry about at the moment then you're very lucky!

SleepingStandingUp · 18/03/2021 00:15

And what point is that @Cassilis? You seem to have a bug up your bum over this guy daring to speak to op without her permission. He was useless in your words because he didn't pick it up, and yet she should have just ignored it and let op lose her card if she didn't notice. He can't actually do right can he, perhaps he just shouldn't be in the shop when op is and then he can't do wrong by saying something or not!

cherrytreesa · 18/03/2021 00:15

Maybe he should have just minded his own business, darlin’

Is this what we've come to in society now? Have we all to stop looking out for each other in case it offends someone? I can't for the life of me understand why he should have 'minded his own business'.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 18/03/2021 00:16

This smacks of desperation to find offence where there is simply none to be found. You are being extremely unreasonable.

Esse321 · 18/03/2021 00:17

Aha - i can shed light here - it depends on the context, was he being creepy and or slimy? in which case crack on OP. If he was being genuine and lovely then you might be AIBU.

Cassilis · 18/03/2021 00:18

If i got upset at how many old men called me
sweetheart at work, id have lost my shit by now
I dont like it, im not your sweetheart and it comes
of kinda creepy really but
Smile and nod

This is the shitty behaviour threads like this normalise. Pretending that OP is against endearments is not helpful, she is familiar with endearments and knows when she’s being patronised.

Sorry you have to face that @Ineedcoffee2021

SleepingStandingUp · 18/03/2021 00:20

@Esse321

Aha - i can shed light here - it depends on the context, was he being creepy and or slimy? in which case crack on OP. If he was being genuine and lovely then you might be AIBU.
I think op would have mentioned if he'd stared lasciviously at her breasts whilst watching her bend over to pick it up etc.

How does one day "you've dropped your bank card darlin" in a creepy and slimy manner??

Cassilis · 18/03/2021 00:20

@SleepingStandingUp

And what point is that *@Cassilis*? You seem to have a bug up your bum over this guy daring to speak to op without her permission. He was useless in your words because he didn't pick it up, and yet she should have just ignored it and let op lose her card if she didn't notice. He can't actually do right can he, perhaps he just shouldn't be in the shop when op is and then he can't do wrong by saying something or not!
My point is that you automatically assumed my use of the word ‘darlin’ was derogatory/condescending and yet anyone who objects to men using the word has a stick up their bum.
Lalliella · 18/03/2021 00:20

You don’t actually know what misogyny means, do you OP? Suggest you look it up. YABU

CorianderBee · 18/03/2021 00:22

Grow up he was being nice. I'm all for calling things out, but I'm from Yorkshire. I call men, women, young, old - love, sweet, darling, lovely, doll.

I don't know your name and I'm not going to scrape on my knees by calling you madam or ma'am.

Cassilis · 18/03/2021 00:22

He was useless in your words because he didn't pick it up,

That comment was in response to a poster who said he picked it up for her. Picking it up might have been a bit more useful.

Cassilis · 18/03/2021 00:23

I don't know your name and I'm not going to scrape on my knees by calling you madam or ma'am.

Why do you have to call her anything? It’s not the law.

CorianderBee · 18/03/2021 00:24

Oh shit, just seen you hate it from younger women the most. I'm 25. Sorry, it's my culture (and yes we're allowed to have regional culture)

SleepingStandingUp · 18/03/2021 00:24

My point is that you automatically assumed my use of the word ‘darlin’ was derogatory/condescending and yet anyone who objects to men using the word has a stick up their bum. It isn't standard to refer to other posters by anything other than their name, which you know, bad you hadn't done it on any other posts so it was quite clear you were trying to make a point. It just missed the mark as I don't care.

No one is saying that men can't use it inappropriately but that unless op adds extra detail, she's clearly projecting based on past experience not the situation. The "someone said show me your tits darlin' so darlin' in any context is offensive" is an odd argument.

Cassilis · 18/03/2021 00:24

@CorianderBee it might just be my culture to tell you not to call me ‘doll’ then, love.

CorianderBee · 18/03/2021 00:25

@Cassilis

I get it, OP. MN is a parallel universe at the moment where misogyny is accepted.

Yet if you called any of the people on this thread ‘love’ they’ll be bristling.

I wouldn't even notice it. My whole life I've been called love, kid, sweet, darling, duck, Chuck, sweetie, doll, babe.

It's a generic friendly term to indicate good vibes.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/03/2021 00:26

@Cassilis

He was useless in your words because he didn't pick it up,

That comment was in response to a poster who said he picked it up for her. Picking it up might have been a bit more useful.

Well then he'd have been closer than 2m and touching her belongings so that's a strange opinion.

Totally inappropriate to tell me I've dropped something, fine to come close to me and pick it up and pass it me without telling me.

Unless there's a drip feed that it fell at his feet and he stood there looking down on her as she stooped at his feet to pick it up??

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