To confidently proclaim that it's not my fault I'm fat?

[itsnotmyfaultimfat]

I am 31 years old. I have always been fat. I can think of little I've wanted more, than to no longer be fat. I am an expert on how to lose weight.

You name it, I know about it, and not just superficially either. Low carb, intermittent fasting, calorie counting, overcoming binge eating techniques. I have read the books, I have reviewed the scientific literature, explored the evidence base, tried to put it all into action. Yet I am still fat.

I love food. I have loved food ever since I can remember. I always wanted seconds. I did not grow up in an obesogenic environment. All my siblings are a normal weight. My parents gave us healthy food. I just wanted a bigger portion, and I wanted seconds, and I wanted snacks in between meals, you get the idea.

Surely, rather than continuously trying to troubleshoot why so many people are overweight/constantly trying to lose weight, it makes sense to accept that like other personality traits, there is a set of people who just like food more than others?

I am convinced that at some point during my genesis, some genes were switched on/off, and this meant that I would be someone with a voracious appetite. This is something that is beyond my control.

If you knew the SHEER effort I put in daily trying to eat healthily, the almost overwhelming disappointment at the end of the day, when I have given in to my cravings, the constant distress I feel trying to ignore the call of the biscuits in the work kitchen...

Fat people are usually seen as weak-willed, but the truth is that a lot of us are constantly fighting. It may come as a shock to people who maintain a healthy weight effortlessly but we are not all just lazy gluttons.

The call of food must be extremely strong and difficult to resist, how else do you explain our continued indulgence even when we know that it leads to us being pretty much vilified and judged by everyone, including ourselves.

Anyway, I have decided that trying to lose weight is a losing battle. I am going to stop beating myself up about it, and accept it. I will obviously keep trying to not let my weight spiral out of control, but this constant trying to lose weight, I have had enough.

I had a huge slab of brownie this afternoon that I shouldn't have, so I haven't really had any tea. I'm not hungry really, if I wasn't tracking on my fitness pal I would have eaten just because its dinner time.
I've just had a cup of tea, I'll be fine until breakfast.
If I didn't track I'd be overweight, in fact I was.
I'm the only person my children have to look after them, I worry about getting ill and leaving them so I do what I can to make that less likely.

@BronwenFrideswide she also says Anyway, I have decided that trying to lose weight is a losing battle. I am going to stop beating myself up about it, and accept it - fat and happy is just shorthand for that.

[quote JackieTheFart]**@BronwenFrideswide* she also says Anyway, I have decided that trying to lose weight is a losing battle. I am going to stop beating myself up about it, and accept it* - fat and happy is just shorthand for that.[/quote]
I don't agree, my reading of the post is that the Op is seriously unhappy being overweight and deciding to declare it not her fault and to just accept it is a way to mask that.

I don't want to always have a piece of fruit or a yoghurt for dessert. I'd love a big slice of cake. Or icecream. Or both. Or both with a chocolate bar chaser. But I don't give in because, as PPs have said, I make a choice and that choice is to stay hungry but stay slim. My OH goes ahead and eats all those treats I won't have - he's lucky. He can eat like a horse and barely put a pound on. But we are not like that. I would be at least two stones heavier if I gave into my cravings and hunger. I'm a size 8 - 10, approaching 50 and possibly peri menopausal. I don't exercise but will soon start because staying slim is getting harder and harder. But I would rather work harder at staying slim and being happy with my figure, than say that it's not my fault I'm hungry and I can't resist treats and be fat. It's a matter of choice.

@WhereamI88

Slim women are not slim without effort though, not over the age of 35 especially. It still is a conscious choice to not have seconds, not have that extra slice of cake etc. I don't think it comes naturally to any of us.

I would find it bizarre to have seconds or 2 slices of cake . I love food but it would make me feel sick. I think one of the issues is overriding the natural appetite with junk foods that are addictive. I love my fruit and veg but you dont set up cravings in the same way as " reward/ treat" foods do. Its a vicious circle-a merry go round that you cant get off.

@theuncles

Listen to the afternoon show on radio 5 live last week - 10th March, at some point between 1 and 4pm, Nihal Arthanayake talking to Michael Moss about his book 'Hooked'. Really interesting stuff. All about how certain foods are design to get us 'addicted' based on what our bodies craved back in the stone age, but also about how to understand ourselves as individuals. Or just google the book?

Might stop you beating yourself up so much but also help you move forwards?

Good luck!

This is so true! If I hear that bloody Snoop Dogg " Just Eat" advert one more time These foods are everywhere and so easy to obtain. It makes evolutionary sense to eat as much of them as you can in case of famine/ scarcity but they are freely available now. I also think that there is huge pressure on women to be perfect. Perfect wife, mother, house has to be perfect. Its utterly exhausting so food is the easy fix for tiredness, stress and needing a "treat" I just fuck it all off 😂 Yeah Im not perfect, my house is lived in by 3 adults who can do their bloody bit and if Im tired I go to bed .

I don't want to always have a piece of fruit or a yoghurt for dessert. I'd love a big slice of cake. Or icecream. Or both. Or both with a chocolate bar chaser. But I don't give in because, as PPs have said, I make a choice and that choice is to stay hungry but stay slim.

it's not just about being slim either.

You KNOW that your body needs a yogurt or a fruit. Sometimes you just eat because you NEED to, not because you want to.

It's the lazy and very childish mindset of sticking with "treats" that's is depressing. And there's a point where cakes get boring, don't they?

Ever spent a few days with friends, or in some hotel with stodgy food and after 2 or 3 days you are literally craving a salad and a yogurt?

I’m in no position to judge. I was overweight and then obese for a decade in my 49’s. Up until then I was very slim all my life, until my late 30’s when I had 2 children in fairly quick succession. I made the mistake of losing sight of who I was and simply devoting myself entirely to my babies. I ate with impunity and literally stopped looking in the mirror. I stayed like that until just before I turned 50 and Covid started to take hold in the uk. Reports started about the links with mortality rates and obesity and with a bmi of just over 30, I decided enough was enough. I lost the weight, now have a healthy bmi and run 4-5 times a week. I’m slim (although I would like to lose another stone), but more importantly I feel strong and alive. I can’t believe I spent a decade living in what I now see as a virtual coma of food and exhaustion.

It is possible to lose weight in your 50’s, but it is harder. If I could go back, I would take better care of myself post birth and see my health as a priority rather than the afterthought it became for many years.

So to op, it’s not a matter of fault, but is is about accountability. You are accountable if you are overweight. It’s a matter of what do you want more, to lose weight and reap the benefits in terms of health and self confidence or to eat what you want?

You don't want it enough.

That's fine, I don't judge people if they're overweight.

But when the desire to lose weight is greater than the desire to eat a poor diet or over eat then you'll see the results.

@Dentistlakes

I’m in no position to judge. I was overweight and then obese for a decade in my 49’s. Up until then I was very slim all my life, until my late 30’s when I had 2 children in fairly quick succession. I made the mistake of losing sight of who I was and simply devoting myself entirely to my babies. I ate with impunity and literally stopped looking in the mirror. I stayed like that until just before I turned 50 and Covid started to take hold in the uk. Reports started about the links with mortality rates and obesity and with a bmi of just over 30, I decided enough was enough. I lost the weight, now have a healthy bmi and run 4-5 times a week. I’m slim (although I would like to lose another stone), but more importantly I feel strong and alive. I can’t believe I spent a decade living in what I now see as a virtual coma of food and exhaustion.

It is possible to lose weight in your 50’s, but it is harder. If I could go back, I would take better care of myself post birth and see my health as a priority rather than the afterthought it became for many years.

So to op, it’s not a matter of fault, but is is about accountability. You are accountable if you are overweight. It’s a matter of what do you want more, to lose weight and reap the benefits in terms of health and self confidence or to eat what you want?

Great post. I think many women sink into the responsibility of children, partners do very little and suddenly find themselves 4 stone heavier. Ive just been for a run, handful of nuts and a glass of water before I went. Lovely run -feel fantastic and refreshed. If I was caring for 3/4 children how would I do this? You simply cannot look at food intake in isolation. Thats why lifestyle changes are needed . Its not as simple as "eat less"

And let's not forget alcohol - alcohol is packed with calories and the whole 'it's wine/gin o'clock' thing is a significant contributor to people gaining weight. But it seems alcohol is now a treat too, with the excuse that over the past year we haven't been able to live 'normally.'

This is so true!
If I hear that bloody Snoop Dogg " Just Eat" advert one more time
These foods are everywhere and so easy to obtain.

You obviously don't live around here. No takeaways and nobody delivers.

I'm slim.

@changi

This is so true! If I hear that bloody Snoop Dogg " Just Eat" advert one more time These foods are everywhere and so easy to obtain.

You obviously don't live around here. No takeaways and nobody delivers.

I'm slim.

So? I never eat junk food and Im slim . I was pointing out an advert that is on constantly, catchy and an easy option.

So?

So, these food are not everywhere and easy to obtain. Me getting a takeaway involves a twenty mile round trip.

I'm slim. Maybe that is why.

@changi

So?

So, these food are not everywhere and easy to obtain. Me getting a takeaway involves a twenty mile round trip.

I'm slim. Maybe that is why.

Well thats probably true which is my point. If these things are readily available its very easy to overeat junk food.

@Templetree @changi

I probably pass about 10 takeaways when walking the dog. Just dont see the appeal tbh. I really dont get this addiction to Just Eat that people have. I find it shocking tbh costs a bloody fortune! Me being "lazy" is throwing perhaps something frozen from Iceland in the air fryer or oven or under the grill.
But then i dont get the Pavlov dog reaction that everyone else seems to get when they pass KFC or Maccys. Maybe my genes are different.
Put me in front of a nice antipasto deli counter though with olives, marinated artichokes etc 😍 im such a fucking food snob sometimes

Maybe my genes are different.

Perhaps that it.

[quote Wavescrashingonthebeach]**@Templetree* @changi*

I probably pass about 10 takeaways when walking the dog. Just dont see the appeal tbh. I really dont get this addiction to Just Eat that people have. I find it shocking tbh costs a bloody fortune! Me being "lazy" is throwing perhaps something frozen from Iceland in the air fryer or oven or under the grill.
But then i dont get the Pavlov dog reaction that everyone else seems to get when they pass KFC or Maccys. Maybe my genes are different.
Put me in front of a nice antipasto deli counter though with olives, marinated artichokes etc 😍 im such a fucking food snob sometimes[/quote]
I totally agree I dont ever eat junk food, never have
Im pointing out that it is available now even if you personally live up a mountain

It can be addictive and really easy.
My DS friend came to stay pre covid and was horrified that we were driving out to get a takeaway.He gets everything delivered via apps.
Thats normal for him and friends
It didnt exist " in my day "

Only idiots can't find an excuse for '...' - insert whatever destructive behaviour you wish here, as even serial killers have a self-proclaimed 'reason' they do what they do.
Eating is one of the most immediate, inexpensive and easily obtainable pleasures in life.
To claim that one can't curb ones' enthusiasm for securing whatever is ones' primary pleasure despite it being clearly unhealthy, is akin to saying one can't control ones' behaviour. Not unlike toddlers.

It is possible to love food and not eat too much of it.

I personally think the OP has a very unhealthy relationship with food and has done for a long time, until that is addressed any attempts to eat better and lose weight are doomed to failure which then feeds into the OP's justification for being fat not being her fault. This is borne out by the obsessive nature of researching and knowing anything and everything about all manner of healthy eating programmes and diets. Food appears to be the be-all and end-all of OP's life and part of every waking moment of it, whether in thought or action.

The OP's insistence that she just loves food and her implication that slim people don't and that is a failure on the part of slim people aka there is a set of people who just like food more than others shows a deeply skewed thought process.

I don't believe that this new not my fault attitude will make the OP any happier with herself in either the long or short term.

@Templetree @changi

Ahh love the meme hahahahaha!!!
And yes i know loads and loads of people who get everything delivered via apps. I guess once you are in the habit of it then it becomes a go-to reaction.
I read a really good book called The Habit Loop by Charles Duhigg i think and its this cue-routine-reward dopamine cycle that is often involved. Eg- cinema-popcorn-yum
Friday-wine-drunk etc you get the picture.

Temple the apps didnt exist 'in my day' either haha but i remember being at Uni about 15 years ago and my flatmate opened the freezer, physically LOOKED at a frozen pizza then went NAH CANT BE ARSED and phoned the pizza delivery place- wtf 😂

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

      <span class="italic">Saint</span> <span class="italic">Kate</span> <span class="italic">Moss</span> <span class="italic">of</span> <span class="italic">Vogue</span>.

Kate would be cancelled for such a fatphobic statement today

@requitalissima

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

      <span class="italic">Saint</span> <span class="italic">Kate</span> <span class="italic">Moss</span> <span class="italic">of</span> <span class="italic">Vogue</span>.

Oh God that takes me back to my early 20s- watching lots of Thinspo & obsessively tracking every calorie I look better with a bit of chunk on me