To confidently proclaim that it's not my fault I'm fat?

[itsnotmyfaultimfat]

I am 31 years old. I have always been fat. I can think of little I've wanted more, than to no longer be fat. I am an expert on how to lose weight.

You name it, I know about it, and not just superficially either. Low carb, intermittent fasting, calorie counting, overcoming binge eating techniques. I have read the books, I have reviewed the scientific literature, explored the evidence base, tried to put it all into action. Yet I am still fat.

I love food. I have loved food ever since I can remember. I always wanted seconds. I did not grow up in an obesogenic environment. All my siblings are a normal weight. My parents gave us healthy food. I just wanted a bigger portion, and I wanted seconds, and I wanted snacks in between meals, you get the idea.

Surely, rather than continuously trying to troubleshoot why so many people are overweight/constantly trying to lose weight, it makes sense to accept that like other personality traits, there is a set of people who just like food more than others?

I am convinced that at some point during my genesis, some genes were switched on/off, and this meant that I would be someone with a voracious appetite. This is something that is beyond my control.

If you knew the SHEER effort I put in daily trying to eat healthily, the almost overwhelming disappointment at the end of the day, when I have given in to my cravings, the constant distress I feel trying to ignore the call of the biscuits in the work kitchen...

Fat people are usually seen as weak-willed, but the truth is that a lot of us are constantly fighting. It may come as a shock to people who maintain a healthy weight effortlessly but we are not all just lazy gluttons.

The call of food must be extremely strong and difficult to resist, how else do you explain our continued indulgence even when we know that it leads to us being pretty much vilified and judged by everyone, including ourselves.

Anyway, I have decided that trying to lose weight is a losing battle. I am going to stop beating myself up about it, and accept it. I will obviously keep trying to not let my weight spiral out of control, but this constant trying to lose weight, I have had enough.

I do think 2000 calories is very high for a woman with a sedentary lifestyle. I calculated my BMR as 2300 calories, which is what I need to eat daily to maintain my weight at 20 stone.

I've just calculated my current BMR assuming a sedentary lifestyle and it's come out at just under 1200 calories, or just over 1400 to maintain weight.

To consume 2000 without gaining weight, I need to do hard exercise 7 days a week.

www.thecalculatorsite.com/health/bmr-calculator.php

I just know I personally don't have that level of discipline when it comes to food
I have definitely known people who don't like desserts. In fact they also weren't that into food, not good cooks, so naturally weight control was much easier.
Whereas no meal is complete without something sweet at the end for me.

Isn't 2000 calories the recommended intake for the average woman?
Maybe for a woman around 5'7 with a moderately active lifestyle.

Using the calculator I linked to above, that's about right.

If you feed in female, 35, 5'7", 9st 7lbs and moderately active, it indicates that an intake of 2,063 is necessary to maintain weight.

Op hasn't come back. I wonder if she's crying into a bowl of fresh air as I am

@Tal45

I love food, but I eat a normal sized portion of it, I eat chips, sausages, burgers, love and eat chocolate etc every week and pretty much eat whatever I want - I just don't eat a ton of it (although I can get through a whole packet of biscuits on a really bad day) I go for a walk every day but don't do any other exercise, I'm 8 1/2 stone.

Everyone I know who is overweight eats huge portions. Once you have put on weight it's much harder to lose and keep it off, it's much easier to maintain a healthy weight if you've never been over weight. It's all about portion size though IMO, people have some very wrong ideas about what a normal portion is and when this starts in childhood the chances are it'll be a life long battle. Also people often don't realise it's ok to be hungry sometimes, you don't have to always eat just because you're hungry.

My dad was always slim, he worked out multiple times a week and never got paunchy even into his 70s. He said you just have to get used to being a bit hungry most of the time.

My sister is obese and I see why. If she is heating/baking a package of frozen garlic bread for us, for example, she will do the entire package of six or eight instead of one apiece. She never leaves a scrap on her plate. From first thing in the morning it's carbs carbs carbs all day; and baking when she wants an activity instead of walking or doing something creative.

All of the choices add up. Especially portion size.

In it's basic from, it's calories in Vs calories out. And most people seem to stop there with the judgement of fault. And yes that's what it is, judgement of fault. The judgement I think comes from as some people have said here, that there are very few naturally slim people. They have to work at it, and it's hard. They maybe subconsciously judge people who they see as not working at it, as not being bothered, therefore they are better than that other person. Very few people take into account the other factors, some of the advantages that they may have to enable them to do this, over those who don't have those advantages. The price of a gym membership for example.

If judgement changed behaviour positively, then there'd be no obesity, crime or anti social behaviour would there? Shaming people doesn't work, because the drive to do whatever they are doing is stronger than the shame being directed at them.
When it comes to calories in Vs calories out, it's a wider issue than what we eat and what we do.
There's far more office based jobs, jobs that aren't physically demanding, but are mentally demanding, they still leave you tired even if you haven't been toiling in the fields all day. So you've expended very little physical energy yet will still feel hungry/tired and need food and sleep. Plus the stress added which as someone has already pointed out, encourages your body to lay down fat.
Even physically demanding jobs aren't immune, because often they attract a lower wages and less benefits, there's often time constraints to when you can eat, if at all, and shift work to factor in, you've just worked a 14 hour shift where you were supposed to have 2 30 min breaks, you ended up with 2 15-20 min breaks and your healthy food is still in your bag because you only had time to eat half of it, so you swallow a cup of coffee and a couple of biscuits to 'keep you going'.
I've read on here that many care workers are overweight, I can see the evidence (all be it from my own small personal experience) myself. The shift work, demands of the work and low pay are a factor in what people eat.

There's a big financial difference in junk food Vs healthy food too, for example, I can buy enough junk freezer food for 2 of us for 2 days in my local shop, it's got a token bag of frozen veg, but ultimately it's stuff that's not good for you, for £5. It's also cheap to cook taking a bit of time in the microwave or 20 mins in the oven. If I buy enough decent food, fresh meat, fruit and veg etc for 2 days, it'll cost me twice that, if not more, and need more time that I might not have, and fuel that I might not have to cook. If you're on a strict budget where buying anything is concerned, you're going to go for the cheapest options. And as people buy them, there's a demand, so they're going to keep selling them.

There's not a level playing field, not everyone is able (and not just because of lack of will power) to do the things consistently that others can in order to stay slim. Some people are battling uphill with outside influences such as income and work before they even get to willpower.

I think there's evidence that shows people who like alcohol also like sugar.
'What’s interesting is that sugar impacts the brain in a way that’s similar to drugs and alcohol, and it can also create cravings just as you might have for other substances and even withdrawal symptoms. There have been studies in rats showing sugar can activate your pleasure centers even more than cocaine.

Of course, sugar doesn’t alter your mind the way drugs or alcohol do, but it does cause chaos in our bodies including spikes and dips in blood sugar, blood glucose destabilization and more. The withdrawal symptoms of detoxing from sugar can include physical discomfort and symptoms, as well as cravings.'

from www.therecoveryvillage.com/alcohol-abuse/faq/alcoholism-sugar-addiction-related/

@Truthlikeness

Many of the slim people I know eat exactly what they want and do almost no exercise. They just naturally have a smaller appetite. I've been doing the Fast 800 for the last 2 1/2 weeks and in the last 11 days I have lost the grand total of 150g despite eating 1,000 calories less a day that my body is burning up (according to my fit bit). Yes it's healthy food with a decent amount of protein. Yes I weigh everything. I guess I just carry on but it's fairly demoralising when I've been pretty much continuously hungry for the last 2 and half weeks

I'm slim and frequently hungry.

You can't give in to every hunger pang or fear the sensation. I see it as a good thing.

Slim women are not slim without effort though, not over the age of 35 especially. It still is a conscious choice to not have seconds, not have that extra slice of cake etc. I don't think it comes naturally to any of us.

I think there's evidence that shows people who like alcohol also like sugar.

Not in our house. Neither of us have sweet teeth. I last bought chocolate in 2019 and some of it is still in the fridge. Packets of biscuits go soggy before they are finished.

Alcoholic drinks on the other hand...

I'm now a healthy BMI after being overweight for a couple of years after it just crept up.
I end most days hungry, you just learn to ignore it.
Hunger is what would drive us to go out and find food. In the world we evolved to live in that would involve foraging or hunting. It wouldn't have been instantly available high calorie food.
Hunger doesn't need to be instantly satisfied.
Personally i find hunger easier to ignore than cravings. That tends to be my downfall. Tracking my calorie intake is the only way to really prevent myself having a packet of biscuits instead of one. One biscuit won't make you fat if its within your daily calorie needs.
I'm not naturally slim, it takes work every day.

I think she was after acceptance for who she is (which is someone not harming anyone else), and instead got lots of people telling her she still wasn’t good enough.

@BrownEyedGirl80

It is your fault if you give in to your cravings and I say that as someone who has a lot of cravings

I came to say exactly this. I too have put on a lot of weight, but that's nobody's fault but my own.

I am now addressing it. Do I want to stuff my face with toast or chocolate every evening? Absolutely! Do I do it? No, because that would be counterproductive to losing weight.

You have a choice, every time. You don't have to have things just because you want them. We can't have everything we want in life.

I was very ill some years ago, and put on steroids for 6 months. I put on 4 st despite only eating the exact same (or less as I was SO ill I didn't eat a thing for 2 weeks) , I've never managed to shift more than a stone or two of that 4 stone (currently 2st which I'm pleased about). I have tried smaller portions, and 5:2 and all sorts but it has stuck. I don't drink alcohol or soft drinks, or eat chocolate or waste money on any snacks, never eat a thing between meals etc. It is hard but I always knew the genes were there, my grandma ate not a lot but was always on the plump side. She'd often have just a small portion of the veg while we tucked into pork chops.

@WhereamI88

Slim women are not slim without effort though, not over the age of 35 especially. It still is a conscious choice to not have seconds, not have that extra slice of cake etc. I don't think it comes naturally to any of us.

The key words there are "seconds" and "extra" - i.e. over and above a normal portion.

You don't have to eat abnormally to stay slim. Have the cake and the pizza and the chocolate. You just need to eat the right portions and not go back for seconds or extra.

I do think there is some kind of a chemical satiety issue going on with people who have large appetites (whether they control their weight or not).

You see it in kids who aren't thinking about their health or weight. My brother would eat three bites of say an Easter egg then forget about it until reminded. I was the opposite!

Bit out there, but for anyone who's taken recreational drugs of an evening and experienced the drop in appetite over the next few days, you can sort of imagine that people with small appetites may have some kind of natural satiety baseline similar to the effects these drugs cause, while many obese people have a higher bar to reach before a quantity of food satisfies them.

Of course there are many social and lifestyle reasons for obesity, but that 'desire' to eat to excess is I would say partly innate in people.

Learning to be comfortable with feeling hungry is a bit of a game changer.

I think that thinking like that is the reason you are fat. However it is fine to be happy with how you are and just accepting it. I used to be obese and spent years of my life yo yo dieting and it wasn’t until I really took responsibility for myself and my actions ie what I put into my body that I was able to keep the weight off.

If you have no medical conditions stopping you from losing weight then you’re not losing it because you’re eating more than you’re burning off. You don’t need any fancy diets or fads.

I think it’s way too simplistic to assume that slim = working hard at it and overweight = not working at it hard enough. Imagine if we applied that level of judgement to poverty:

“I don’t particularly enjoy my job but I work hard and get on with it because I don’t want to be poor - you might have some excuses about upbringing/genetics/natural ability/other circumstances which make things more difficult for you to have a career but we all start out in this country with access to free education plus lots of other resources. You’re simply not working hard enough to not be on benefits/a minimum wage job.”

You don't have to eat abnormally to stay slim.

You don't need to eat healthily either. You can eat quick, convenient, processed rubbish. Just less of it.

Slim people love food and almost everyone wants seconds at every meal, it's not unique. But there are choices around whether to have them.

Obesity costs the NHS a fortune. People who die from obesity leave devastated families behind. It's more than just extra helpings. That's not fat-shaming.

The NHS either needs extra money to support the forecasted increases or it will collapse. Where should the extra money come from? Because whilst I will fight to the death that treatment should always be available whether its obesity, alcohol induced, cigarette induced, whatever, the reality is that these choices cost money and it boils my piss that infertility isn't the same bottomless pit of money for treatment. Couldn't see the NHS saying you get 3 rounds of treatment for obesoty/smoking related illness.

@LoisWilkersonslastnerve

There was a thread recently where Angel Delight was mentioned and lots of us remember in the 80s the packet serving our whole family as a dessert but now that seems like a tiny amount. I try and have smaller portions but it's hard at times especially when everyone else seems to have a food mountain

I frequent vintage and antique shops, and the size of plates and bowls 40 or so years ago is strikingly smaller than what is in crockery sets today.

I remember when Pringles first came out, my parents would buy the occasional can and even the four of us - two kids, mom, dad - wouldn't polish off the can. Now people treat one can as a single serving.

Same with McDonalds. A once/year treat in the 70s. Adults would get hamburger & coffee. Kids a burger & small fries. Now the sandwiches are humongous and the packets of fries enormous, and the cokes too. And people eat there routinely. Boggles my mind.

I sort of see where the op is coming from. The assumption that overweight people don't exercise or eat healthy foods is irritating and unhelpful. I wasn't always overweight and to be honest my lifestyle has only changed slightly and that was enough to tip me over into the overweight category. It's a missed exercise class here, an extra glass of wine there. Easily done and doesn't make me an awful person. It's very tempting to just give up trying. I hope you don't though op if you're still reading. Look after yourself for your own benefit.

I remember when Pringles first came out, my parents would buy the occasional can and even the four of us - two kids, mom, dad - wouldn't polish off the can. Now people treat one can as a single serving
My teens are guilty of this. Luckily I hate pringles

It is your fault but it’s still ok to not care

^This. Only with the caveat that you do care else you wouldn’t have put so much time, effort or energy into trying to lose the weight. I suspect it’s a case of ‘I’ve not managed it so I’m giving up, but I’m not really happy with myself so I’d rather consider it not my fault’

I also loved food and had a weight problem. My sibling was always slim and healthy. I lost 5 stone in my late teens/early 20’s and never regained it. Even after 2 pregnancies.

It doesn’t matter how much you read or how good your intentions are. It’s entirely a test of willpower and consistency. Weight loss is fab at filtering out the ‘super enthusiastic to start with but fall off the wagon within 48 hours’ types vs those with commitment and self control.