To confidently proclaim that it's not my fault I'm fat?

[itsnotmyfaultimfat]

I am 31 years old. I have always been fat. I can think of little I've wanted more, than to no longer be fat. I am an expert on how to lose weight.

You name it, I know about it, and not just superficially either. Low carb, intermittent fasting, calorie counting, overcoming binge eating techniques. I have read the books, I have reviewed the scientific literature, explored the evidence base, tried to put it all into action. Yet I am still fat.

I love food. I have loved food ever since I can remember. I always wanted seconds. I did not grow up in an obesogenic environment. All my siblings are a normal weight. My parents gave us healthy food. I just wanted a bigger portion, and I wanted seconds, and I wanted snacks in between meals, you get the idea.

Surely, rather than continuously trying to troubleshoot why so many people are overweight/constantly trying to lose weight, it makes sense to accept that like other personality traits, there is a set of people who just like food more than others?

I am convinced that at some point during my genesis, some genes were switched on/off, and this meant that I would be someone with a voracious appetite. This is something that is beyond my control.

If you knew the SHEER effort I put in daily trying to eat healthily, the almost overwhelming disappointment at the end of the day, when I have given in to my cravings, the constant distress I feel trying to ignore the call of the biscuits in the work kitchen...

Fat people are usually seen as weak-willed, but the truth is that a lot of us are constantly fighting. It may come as a shock to people who maintain a healthy weight effortlessly but we are not all just lazy gluttons.

The call of food must be extremely strong and difficult to resist, how else do you explain our continued indulgence even when we know that it leads to us being pretty much vilified and judged by everyone, including ourselves.

Anyway, I have decided that trying to lose weight is a losing battle. I am going to stop beating myself up about it, and accept it. I will obviously keep trying to not let my weight spiral out of control, but this constant trying to lose weight, I have had enough.

@jennytogether

I think she was after acceptance for who she is (which is someone not harming anyone else), and instead got lots of people telling her she still wasn’t good enough.

Which is usually the case when it comes to being just about anything. If you have decided to be happy with what and who you are, there'll be a raft of people who decide it's not good enough and you're failing in life, drip drip drip. Any wonder we are having so many issues with mental health as a nation?

@Winter2020 That is interesting. I had no issues with food as a teenager. I just ate what was there and was not overweight. Then I had an abusive relationship with my now ex who used food and sleep as a control mechanism. I was underweight and undernourished when I left him. Ever since I have had a certain level of anxiety about not having enough to eat. I research places to make sure there are options for meals if we are going there. I pack food for trips rather than chance it that there will be something. And I can't throw meals out or leave food on my plate. It's like a little voice takes me back to the bad old days and says you need to eat this while it's there, once it's gone you don't know when your next meal will be.

I can’t be arsed reading as I can imagine some of the answers but I know what you mean. I love food. Several of my kids live it like I do. We can talk about the side dish of a meal at a wedding but not remember whose wedding it was. One child likes food and loves some stuff but doesn’t see the world through a food lease. He is less food orientated. He is the plumpest but how big would he be if he was a good obsessed eating machine like the others. I can over eat enormously but am ordinarily plump, just over BMi whilst my siblings have up to ten stone to lose. The simple equation of calories in v energy lacks something

Dieting is crap, restriction is crap. You're not going to wish you dieted more when you're on your deathbed so just stop thinking about it and get on with life.

if you start thinking about "restrictions" and "diet", you will only make yourself miserable. Technically you are trying to stop damaging yourself by overeating, and usually overeating crap.

Look at the different breakfasts chosen by various nationalities when you are a in a hotel. You train your taste, and if you messed up, you just have to practice and retrain yourself to eat normally.

If you are addicted to junk food, you don't "love food".

If you decide to accept yourself for whom you are best of luck.
Not to scare you my DM developed clots from a sedentary lifestyle at 13.5 stone, she developed a pulmonary embolism in her chest and nearly died had no dignity couldn't get to the bathroom as bed ridden for weeks.
She never really recovered and has since died of hyperventilation obesity/covid at 14.5 stone 5ft 2.
Eat as you like but exercise, take vitamins if you dislike F&V as you get older being obese will cause you a miserable life with health problems from clots to mobility you'll rattle from the amount of pills needed to keep you alive every day.

I gained a few stone during a very stressful period of my life.

Some people might have responded to the same stress by getting thin, or by drinking or substance abuse, or by having a mental breakdown. I sincerely doubt that anyone would have survived it without some form of negative effect on themselves.

Mine was just literally and visibly measurable.

Shrugs I'd say it's not my fault, but it doesn't matter much either way. Anyone who thinks badly of me for it is a cunt, therefore who gives a shit what they think?

I eat chocolate or ice cream or cake or biscuits every day. And not just a little bit, a tub of Ben & Jerry's or a 200g bar of chocolate or a 9 pack of kitkats. I have tried not eating like this but I find it incredibly hard to resist my cravings and it makes me truly miserable.

So I eat healthy meals and do lots of exercise. My weight/size stays pretty constant at a bmi of 26 and size 12. If I'm particularly active for a while then I might go down to a 10 in some clothes and if I'm particularly lazy for a while then I might need a 14 in some stuff. I'd prefer to be a toned size 10 but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make to not feel miserable. I'd also prefer to do less exercise but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make to be able to eat the ice cream and biscuits.

I've been on both sides of the fat/skinny divide, and the only thing I regret is not tackling it and losing weight sooner.

I spent far too long making countless excuses for my size (I'm naturally this big/I can't lose weight despite always dieting/ why am I still fat when I'm always in the gym/ BMI is bollocks anyway/ isn't it normal to drink wine a few nights a week/ don't most people enjoy chocolate in an evening/ blah blah blah) whereas what I needed to do was be honest with myself that no, I didn't do enough exercise or eat as well as I thought, and it was time to sort it out.

Quelle surprise, when I stopped faffy "diets", started eating a sensible healthy diet every day, stopped drinking alcohol and started doing some real exercise (ie not just half hearted Body Pump and the odd slow 5k) I lost weight. I went from being fat to pretty fit, and I've never felt better.

I've been there, OP. I insisted it wasn't my fault it was fat. But it was. And while there are obviously a tiny, tiny proportion of people who are overweight due to beauty issues or if their control, the vast majority of people who are overweight eat too much and don't do enough exercise.

I would also highly recommend running for people who want to lose weight and keep it off long term. It's very difficult to run serious mileage and remain overweight. Starting out is hard, but when you get into it, running is so good for mental and physical health.

I shouldn't be surprised by the response to weight issues on here, however the sheer lack of compassion on this thread is still utterly depressing. I personally find simple sweeping generalisations of complex individual issues to be incrediably unhelpful.

In my case giving up diet culture was utterly liberating and put me in a much better position to deal with my issues. I was then diagnosed with a condition that meant I had to radically change the way I was eating but if I'd still been entrenched in diet culture I doubt I would have been able to make the necessary changes. I have also discovered that even a small amount of sugar or carbs massively increases my appetite, cravings and mental obsession with food. Very little sugar, carbs or processed food has freed me from constant cravings and hunger. Yet oddly I wouldn't have been able to realise this if I'd still be looking for a quick fix diet to solve all my problems. Basically I've had to find my own answers to my own set of issues. In doing so I've lost around 4 stone and significantly improved my health. I agree that it probably is more difficult for you, for a myriad of reasons, than it possibly is for (some) other people, and I understand that none of us wake up one day and decide to get fat.

Good luck figuring it out, I will say the answers probably won't be on mumsnet though! Ime it's not of friendly place for those of us dealing with weight issues.

The thing is though there is diet culture and then their is actual, proper, sustainable weight loss.

Diet culture is sugar laden, carb ridden, ultra low calorie meal replacements being splashed across supermarkets everywhere, "proven" to work. Diet culture is telling all and sunder that it's okay and normal and doable to eat 800 calories a day and take up an hour of exercise on top.

Diet culture does nothing at all to address root causes of weight loss, nor does it teach or encourage anything like healthy, achievable and sustainable weight loss.

I will stand with any person who rejects diet culture. But failing at commercial/popular notions of what diets are does not mean you have to give up hope of ever losing weight!

root causes of weight gain*

Sorry @CuriouslyStardust, my post sounds like I'm challenging what you are saying but I'm actually agreeing with you and aiming my post at OP and the other posters who have said they have accepted they are fat and dieting is too miserable for them so they'd rather not lose weight :)

I am the same. I have always been fat. Probably always will be. I can stick to diets for a few months at a time occasionally and will go from morbidly obese to simply obese. but it never lasts.

I get you. You can be happy and fat.

But clearly you’re an overeater.

I’m another one who could happily eat all day but I make myself eat a balanced diet abs run 3 times a week and walk the others so that I don’t get fat. I have lost about a stone since Xmas as I let things slip a bit over the last year and I feel so much better for it. More energy, easier to run, feeling better in clothes, etc.

I choose to be slim(ish) and healthy, rather than overweight but it’s by no means easy.

I am overweight, but haven’t always been so. For my 20s and 30s I pretty much ate what I liked and did a moderate amount of exercise. I was a size 8/10, never dieted, or gave food much thought.
But then I had 3 kids, weight piled on, I got a desk job .... and I am now nearly 50, a size 14/16 and finding it very hard to shift the weight. If I could get back to a 12 I would be very happy.

I really resent all these ‘don’t eat junk food’ posts. I actually eat very healthily, we eat home cooked meals, with lots of vegetables, and I take my own home made lunches to work - usually salads / veg / soups. I never drink fizzy drinks. However I do like good food and enjoy family mealtimes. But I obviously eat too much. I don’t have second helpings (another assumption). I will eat biscuits, but only one or two, definitely not a whole packet like some posters are suggesting. I am a bit of a snacker though - I hate the feeling of being hungry.

I hate this idea that if you are overweight it’s because you are binging on litre bottles of coke, pizza and packs of donuts.

Thank you to the posters who have come up with useful suggestions rather than ‘don’t eat junk food’. I’ve ordered the book mentioned at the start.

YANBU. I'm in my 50s and would have to live a life I don't really like to be a size 10. I'm just not willing to do it, I'd rather enjoy myself.

The thing is that I’m like you - I absolutely love food, and eat too much of it. But I take responsibility for who i am, and do blame myself for yo-yoing between being slim and overweight. It is a lifestyle choice. I could eat carrot sticks and lettuce instead of chips and chocolate. But I choose not to because my willpower is crap. I’m not going to make excuses for the food decisions I make.

@Cam2020

It's a matter of priorities. You want to be slim but you want that second helping more - no judgement in that statement at all, to my mind, they are just the facts. I'm slim and healthy - I could be slimmer and healthier but I enjoy treats and don't want to be a slave to controlling what I eat, but I do want to be slim more than I want to just eat free abandon and be fat, so I make sure I don't have too many treats too often.

The, same logic applies to everything - people who would like a deposit for a house but don't want to change their spending habits and want that bag or dress, now, for example. It's often a matter of instant gratification and short term vs long term gain in my opinion.

So very very true.

@Wandamakestoast

I am overweight, but haven’t always been so. For my 20s and 30s I pretty much ate what I liked and did a moderate amount of exercise. I was a size 8/10, never dieted, or gave food much thought. But then I had 3 kids, weight piled on, I got a desk job .... and I am now nearly 50, a size 14/16 and finding it very hard to shift the weight. If I could get back to a 12 I would be very happy.

I really resent all these ‘don’t eat junk food’ posts. I actually eat very healthily, we eat home cooked meals, with lots of vegetables, and I take my own home made lunches to work - usually salads / veg / soups. I never drink fizzy drinks. However I do like good food and enjoy family mealtimes. But I obviously eat too much. I don’t have second helpings (another assumption). I will eat biscuits, but only one or two, definitely not a whole packet like some posters are suggesting. I am a bit of a snacker though - I hate the feeling of being hungry.

I hate this idea that if you are overweight it’s because you are binging on litre bottles of coke, pizza and packs of donuts.

Thank you to the posters who have come up with useful suggestions rather than ‘don’t eat junk food’. I’ve ordered the book mentioned at the start.

I was like this. I know it sounds simplistic but check your portion sizes. Like you I wasn't having second helpings but in my case I didn't need to because my portion sizes were so out of whack. I got a shock when I learned that a portion size for pasta or rice for one person is meant to be 60g (dry uncooked). Honest to God before I started weighing it out I think I was having about 5 x that with one meal. There were a lot of other changes I made as well, but this was the biggest one. I've gone from a size 16/18 to a 10. Though that's taken me 6 years! lol. I had to do lots of little changes and stick at each one for several months until it sticks. If I do too much at once I just feel overwhelmed and my "fuck-it switch" goes off.

Why does it matter whose fault it is? That's a really strange way of thinking about it.
You are the only person who really cares whether you are overweight. So if you don't want to be, you need to take action. If you don't care, then don't bother.

It's like saying it's not my fault I've got grey hair. No it isn't, but no one else is going to get it dyed for me!
Being overweight is multi factorial and although people get fat because they eat too much of the wrong things, that definitely doesn't make it their fault. There could be lots of reasons - poor mental health, can't afford or don't know what is decent food, not enough time or excessive stress due to circumstances, maybe just bad at knowing when they are full.

@WhereamI88

Slim women are not slim without effort though, not over the age of 35 especially. It still is a conscious choice to not have seconds, not have that extra slice of cake etc. I don't think it comes naturally to any of us.

Absolutely. I'm sat here hungry knowing that I won't eat until 11am tomorrow as I follow 16:8 IF.

I'd much rather have a coffee and a few biscuits before bed but I like being slim (and need to get a few extra pounds off). Life's too short to be the size you don't want to be.

Posters saying it's okay for the OP to be fat and happy, the OP clearly isn't happy, this is the opening line of her post:

I can think of little I've wanted more, than to no longer be fat.

It's a copout to say that some people just love food more than others and quite insulting to imply that slim people somehow just don't love or appreciate food, we do.

@Wandamakestoast there must be something about some people not being able to stand being hungry , whilst others don’t mind (or even like it)

I love food, I look forward to all my meals

But I also like feeling hungry between meals, being full makes me sleepy, whereas if I am hungry my concentration goes up and I become very focused , I like it when I am working

I also enjoy my meals more when I am properly hungry. So I eat well, but don’t snack much, and only eat again when properly hungry.

Just wonder if it’s a physical or psychological thing, being able to feel hungry and then still also able to wait an hour until meal time

Maybe a hangover from my 70s upbringing? (“Don’t spoil your appetite” and “nothing wrong with being a bit hungry every now and then”), the attitude to feeling hungry has changed so much now...

just pondering

It is in your gift to change your weight and shift it into the healthy range.

You may not choose to do what it takes (fewer calories and/or more exercise to create a deficit). It may well take you more than some, and indeed less than others.

The choice to lower your weight is absolutely yours though. So YABU to make a statement that makes it sound like the weight you are is nothing to do with your choices and actions.