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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a snobby view?

388 replies

MiaMarshmallows · 16/03/2021 12:13

Friend has been married for 35 years and never divorced.
She said the other day ' I find it so depressing when I see photos of a couple with their children and then less than a year later, said couple have split and there's a new woman/man in place acting like a new family all being photographed together. '

Just got my back up a bit.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 17/03/2021 23:01

lakespring
You're right. It's not about hating on future relationships, and everything about saying that some adults put their desire to quickly move a new romantic partner into pseudo-parent role first in their life, without thinking about the needs of their children.

sillysmiles · 17/03/2021 23:10

She's not being snobby, and luck has nothing to do with it. You just sound like you have a chip in your shoulder.

Mamanyt · 17/03/2021 23:21

Not remotely snobby. Perhaps a bit insensitive if you, yourself, are divorced and remarried, but...Who on earth is happy about marriages breaking up? Never mind being upset at the reasons that marriages break up (and there are plenty of excellent ones), just the fact that a couple could not make things work is sad.

AdoptedBumpkin · 17/03/2021 23:24

Not snobby IMO.

THEDEACON · 18/03/2021 01:18

YANBU it's judgemental and snobby I have one of those "friends"

Mumkins42 · 18/03/2021 01:37

I entirely see your discomfort with this. Yes, it is really sad and I also dislike seeing how quickly so many sweep new partners in and pretend the kids are ok with it. The discomfort is possibly with the feeling someone married 30 years is condescending those who haven't been as skilled and adept at making a marriage work as she has. Many undertones come with a comment such as this from someone who is still married. It may not have been intended in that way but I see how you took it. Don't believe for one minute all those married for years are presenting the perfect family dynamics to their children either.

choli · 18/03/2021 03:26

"don't feel you need to have a child with every new partner you meet.*
This thing of rushing to have kid with each new "partner" is truly weird. It didn't make the first or second stay with you, third time is not the charm.

SionnachGlic · 18/03/2021 03:42

She is not being snobby & I agree with her. It is sad. Presumably they believed in forever & it didn't happen, one or both weren't happy & so the break -up. Dreams (and maybe promises) broken...& that is sad.

23PissOffAvenueWF · 18/03/2021 03:47

There is nothing remotely ‘snobby’ about thinking that moving a new partner into a family home is a bad idea. Most people think it is.

Clearly she was making a very deliberate, pointed remark to you, which is definitely tactless.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 18/03/2021 05:06

@UnhingedDad you're assuming that your child would WANT to be involved in your new relationship. What if they didn't? Again, your post is all about what YOU would want.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 18/03/2021 05:08

Of course some married people have bad relationships that aren't good for the children either, but the solution isn't just to replace it with a new relationship.

Mothership4two · 18/03/2021 05:57

It's not snobby at all, and not sure why you would think that OP, there are divorces in all walks of like even the Royal Family, so nothing to do with snobbery.

You are coming from your perspective and she is coming from hers. I agree with her. Blended families do work, but, in my experience, the children usually want their parents back together, whatever the relationship was like. And change is difficult and often distressing. Many of the older kids I know who are now content and understanding about their parents splitting up are quite bitter about having to go through the actual experience. And that's just the children, if you are the partner left behind, it is/can be traumatic. So that's my take on why your friend said she found it depressing.

Lushers · 18/03/2021 08:20

I don't think it's snobby but it's fairly judgmental of something she knows little about and only potentially observes.

I find the tone in this thread patronising about how depressing it is that marriages don't work.

Marriage is a societal construct that is largely pointless so I don't think it's depressing at all. What's more depressing is for people to waste their precious lives in unhappy relationships. I agree that leaving marriages and adjusting to new lives is hard for the children in particular and requires a huge amount of sensitivity and kindness. I agree with not rushing in to blend families too. I do think that is in bad taste and not in the interest of the children involved. Date and have a relationship but why pull the children together from both families?

tttigress · 18/03/2021 08:24

Obviously some relationships fail, but it is depressing.

UnhingedDad · 18/03/2021 08:43

[quote Waxonwaxoff0]@UnhingedDad you're assuming that your child would WANT to be involved in your new relationship. What if they didn't? Again, your post is all about what YOU would want.[/quote]
@Waxonwaxoff0 got a radical idea for you...maybe ASK the kid if they are happy with the situation BEFORE rushing into a new relationship. If they are...fine. Move on, let them make their own decision about how much time/contact they want with the new partner and the moved out parent! IMO there are a lot of parents who have moved out who want nothing to do with their child...or at least very little!

UnhingedDad · 18/03/2021 08:47

@PADH

I have a so called blended family, and it 100% works for us, lots of love and zero drama. It can definitely work, and I would argue often does (although I am aware this is based on personal anecdotal evidence from people I know).

What you have to remember, people normally only post the bad stuff and the problems on mumsnet. No one is starting AIBU threads about well-functioning blended families. So for every bratty step daughter, dead beat dead, Cold step mum etc, there are an unseen number of adults making it work, putting their children's needs first while also moving on with new partners.

@PADH 100% agree! Far too much negativity in this! People will only ever moan about how bad things are. Very few will actually highlight how wonderful, settled, happy and functioning their new blended family is for fear of being judged a failure! 👏👏
Waxonwaxoff0 · 18/03/2021 08:51

@UnhingedDad I'm aware that there are some parents that want little to do with their child. As I am one of them. I was NC with my dad by age 11, doesn't mean I wanted some kind of "replacement" dad.

As for asking the child, well that just puts pressure on them to say they are fine with it. Again, this is from personal experience - I did not get on with my stepdad but I didn't want to ruin my mum's happiness, so I just kept quiet and moved out at age 17. It's damaged our relationship to be honest - I was forced to move far away from family and friends when I was a teen for my stepdad's work and I was so unhappy in the new town we lived in.

I will never do that to DS. I stand by what I say, blended families are almost always done for the convenience of the adults, not what is best for the children.

Livelovebehappy · 18/03/2021 09:01

Not snobby at all. Maybe a bit judgey. 35 years ago life was so different. Lots stayed in unhappy marriages because they felt they didnt have a choice. The saddest thing I heard was an elderly neighbour whose DH had recently died after 40 years of marriage, and she said she felt free for the first time in her life, of living in a loveless miserable marriage. Women have more choices these days, and there’s no longer the stigma of being a divorced single parent that used to exist 35 years ago.

DrSbaitso · 18/03/2021 09:14

maybe ASK the kid if they are happy with the situation BEFORE rushing into a new relationship.

Be careful. Depending on the child's age, maturity, personal circumstances and other things, including how you ask and their relationship with you, you could easily find them giving the answer they think you want, rather than the true one. They may not be able to articulate themselves well or even understand their own feelings. Do they even understand enough about adult relationships to answer this question? They may say something ambiguous that you choose to take in the way that would best suit you. You also don't really want children to feel responsible for any consequences of the decision ("well I asked you and you said it was ok" or whatever").

I'm not saying blended families can't ever work well. I'm just saying, be careful of thinking that you asked the child so all must be good.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 18/03/2021 09:18

maybe ASK the kid if they are happy with the situation BEFORE rushing into a new relationship.

Yes, because children never say what they think their parents want to hear as opposed to the truth. And children all have the self-awareness and emotional maturity to see how they will feel about something that hasn't happened yet.

RightOnTheEdge · 18/03/2021 09:18

Be thankful you didn't marry an abusive twat who didn't reveal his true colours til I was pregnant.

That's what happened to me and is exactly the reason I would never rush anyone new into my kids lives and be playing happy families with someone new.
I'm concentrating on making sure they have a stable, happy home the last thing I'm thinking of is moving someone else in.

It's not about never having a life or relationship it's just the speed that some people move a new person in and expect the kids to get on with it.

BoKatan · 18/03/2021 09:19

As a child of parents who divorced when I was 5 and then immediately jumped into new relationships and expected my brother and I to play happy families:

It's not snobby, or sad. It's fucking awful that people do this.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 18/03/2021 09:20

@MiaMarshmallows

Just in the way that she has been lucky enough to have a marriage which has lasted but not everyone is as fortunate. Also, blended families can be very happy and children can benefit from it in terms of more love to go around. I just didn't like her tone. Everyone's circumstance is different and if love is found again, even if it is deemed too soon then why not just be happy for people.
Judgmental maybe, but snobby...no. hard not to be judgmental when people throw children into a new "family" so quickly.

As for the post above, there was a thread running yesterday think, where adults who were children of Blended families complete disagreed with that. People try and convince themselves that the children are happier to make themselves feel better. True in some cases, but rare by the sounds of it.

MiddleParking · 18/03/2021 10:28

You don’t ASK your kids how to be a good parent to them Hmm

PradaBallbag · 18/03/2021 11:07

It's not about never having a life or relationship it's just the speed that some people move a new person in and expect the kids to get on with it.

I do agree with this. And it took me 7 years to actually move a new partner into my home, by which time my daughter was 15. But according to some, I was still 'forcing' him on her even though she loves him to bits and he does more for her than her own dad does.

There's a balance to be had. Kids leave home. My daughter will be going to Uni later this year and if I hadn't married and moved in with my new partner, that would have left me very alone at that point in my life.