To think this is a snobby view?

[MiaMarshmallows]

Friend has been married for 35 years and never divorced.
She said the other day ' I find it so depressing when I see photos of a couple with their children and then less than a year later, said couple have split and there's a new woman/man in place acting like a new family all being photographed together. '

Just got my back up a bit.

It is sad, and it’s especially sad when adults are clearly railroading their own feelings onto their poor DC - as you see so frequently on MN, with women insisting that their DC “love” or “adore” their new boyfriend of less than a year (and usually his poor kids as well) and can’t wait for them all to live together as a new family.

Too few so-called “blended families” are actually blended: they’re too often two adults who’ve decided to get together and the DC have to like it or lump it. It’s not snobby to look at adults putting their own wants over their DC’s needs and think it selfish.

I would imagine it isn't the break ups per se that she finds sad. More the rush to replace the mast partner with someone else and call themselves a family.

Well we don't fall into that category of pretending everyone is happy. Been together nearly 3 years now and very happy. It was very quick for us but clearly was right as here we are now in a lovely position even with coronavirus scuppering a lot of our plans and complicating things.
I do think blended families get a bad rep and that parents get criticised easily for introducing new partners. I can't speak for everyone but DP and I were lead by the kids and what was best for them and many blended families I know have done the same.

I also feel that a marriage which has lasted 30+ years is down to a lot more hard work than luck tbh.

When you say very quick, how quick for the kids and how old are they?

I think maybe she just hit a nerve op. If you step back and look at it I’m sure you’re recognise that it is sad that so so many children are now from divorced parents. Of course it’s worse to stay in an unhappy miserable marriage, and better to be happy, but in overall terms yes, she’s right and it’s not snobby,

Sounds like it hit a nerve and you took it personally
Sounds like it was a general statement
It's still sad that so many people aren't together even if it's worked out for you

I've been a single parent for 5 years and agree. Lots of parents rush into a blended family often without consideration of the children which is why it is sad.

@MiaMarshmallows

Just in the way that she has been lucky enough to have a marriage which has lasted but not everyone is as fortunate. Also, blended families can be very happy and children can benefit from it in terms of more love to go around. I just didn't like her tone. Everyone's circumstance is different and if love is found again, even if it is deemed too soon then why not just be happy for people.

I agree with her.

Blended families can be amazing & supportive & wonderful, but those relationships need to be built at the childrens pace not the adults pace. This is what is usually (not always, but usually) ignored. Finding love is a wonderful thing, keeping that love alive takes work. But at the end of the day, the children always always should come first and sadly they often dont.

@MiaMarshmallows

Well we don't fall into that category of pretending everyone is happy. Been together nearly 3 years now and very happy. It was very quick for us but clearly was right as here we are now in a lovely position even with coronavirus scuppering a lot of our plans and complicating things. I do think blended families get a bad rep and that parents get criticised easily for introducing new partners. I can't speak for everyone but DP and I were lead by the kids and what was best for them and many blended families I know have done the same.

How soon did you get together after the split?

With regards to 'everyone being happy', kids don't always say how they feel when they're young.

How truly happy/unhappy they are will often come out in their teenage behaviour.

I agree with her. Do you maybe mean judgemental rather than snobby?

Whatever, I would judge someone (depending on the circs) who walked out on their spouse and kids and was then posting loved-up pics on social media of themselves with their new woman less than a year later. Yes, I would judge very much (I’m talking to YOU dickhead dh of my best friend!)

I don't see why you are annoyed, it was just an observation on your friend's part and of course on the surface it is sad.

Can I assume you are divorced and now in a blended family OP?

From your update it sounds as though you're very defensive and this is why you've taken offence at what your friend has said. If she's touched a nerve, it would be better to examine why and reflect on your family set-up and your children's experiences of it. If that's not the case and you're perfectly happy and secure in your choices, then you don't need to give her opinion a second thought. It would just be a case of her having her view to which she's entitled, and if it doesn't square with yours then so what, there's no harm done.

I have been married for 25 years. Trust me, it is not down to luck.

I agree with her.

@purpleme12

Eh? Surely this is just a statement saying that it's sad that so many stay together? It is sad

That makes no sense.

I don’t think you know what snobby means

You clearly feel upset because this taps into your own insecurities. That’s ok, we all do it. Take a step back and see that there is truth in this opinion but it may not be about you and your situation. If she’s a decent friend, that is. If she is making a personal dig then she isn’t a good friend.

There’s probably a point about social media too. Presenting false images of a happy family.

And long relationships aren’t much about luck. There’s a fuck ton of work as well as picking carefully in the first place, with just a dash of luck there wasn’t a sudden change they couldn’t cope with.

I definitely agree with your friend. The splitting up of an unhappy marriage isn't depressing, but the rushing a new bf/gf into their kids lives is the depressing thing.

I was the child in a situation like that and it was always insisted that I loved my stepdad, that it had no ill affects on me and in many ways my dad was just white washed out of my life by them. I hated it, still do, but I never said anything. As a child you're feeling pretty insecure in your family right after a divorce and emotions are running high with the adults so the kids often don't get to really speak up and be heard.

Of course this isn't always the case but it was my experience and I can't help but feel sad when I see a new "happy family" narrative being shoved down everyone's throats quickly after a breakup.

Not a snobby view, but certainly judgmental.

To be fair to her though, I know of a few people who have separated from their partner and within a few weeks, there's a new person in the family, being addressed as stepmum or stepdad. Very confusing for the children.

It doesn't sound that they were commenting on divorce or a blended family. But more about the happy family ->divorce->New happy family within a year.

@CustardySergeant I missed out the word don't

It's not snobby at all, you just took it personally.

I completely agree with her.

I agree with her, it is sad to see a family photo and then less than a year later the family is split and there is a new person in the picture as though they are taking the other persons place.
I always feel sad when I hear about people breaking up especially when there is children involved.
I also agree that people shouldn't stay together for the children as an unhappy family environment isn't a good place to raise children. I don't think it's snobby.
You seem defensive OP.
A 30 + year marriage isn't luck. It takes work to maintain a good marriage.

Blended families may well be happy,personally I have yet to meet one
I do think it is sad when couples with children slit and go quickly into new relationships