To think this is a snobby view?

[MiaMarshmallows]

Friend has been married for 35 years and never divorced.
She said the other day ' I find it so depressing when I see photos of a couple with their children and then less than a year later, said couple have split and there's a new woman/man in place acting like a new family all being photographed together. '

Just got my back up a bit.

Disappointing maybe, but not snobby really.
Some marriages don't last, that's a fact of life and life's too short to stay in a miserable marriage.

@oakleaffy has it not occurred to you that most women don't have kids with men they already know to be abusive? I've read so many posts (and my own life is an example) where the abuse only starts after you've had kids. I wish I knew what I know now before I decided to marry my first husband. Really I do. But I can't regret that my daughter was born.

Apparently, and quite shockingly, much abuse starts when the woman if pregnant. It's hard to imagine. I was told this by a solicitor who had researched the facts.

This is snobbery at its very worst! And some of the comments on this thread feel like they have been written in the dark ages! There are plenty of new families, relationships that are a damn site more functional than unhappy ‘stay-together-for-the-kids’ marriages!! You should all take a long hard look at your own situations before judging what other people are doing!!

People can absolutely have new and successful relationships with kids from previous relationships!

Not being snobby at all.

I find it very sad when couples split up. It has been exacerbated with lock downs

@NormanStangerson

Firstly, people aren’t ‘lucky’ if their marriages last, it’s lots of work.

Secondly, I think you may be sensitive about your own situation which might fall into the category she was speaking of.

Thirdly, she’s right. Is is sad when families initially break down.

I don’t really understand when people say marriage is hard work. I’ve been married 25 years and it’s never been hard work. It makes me think someone is married to the wrong person if it’s that hard work.

Is it to be deduced that the propensity for unfaithfulness can be fathomed in the early stages of courtship, and people who don't detect this predilection in their loved ones are seriously amiss. Perhaps they should be wobbling their heads to work out how they didn't spot the unfaithfulness coming.

What sort of hard work, I wonder, is guarantee against your partner wanting to sleep with somebody else?

One of the sadest things about forums is reading stories from posters whose partners, quite unexpectedly, have wanted to leave them. Often there has been little warning and the marriage had seemed fine. I don't think hard work is always enough when only one of you wants to try that, because they other isn't bothered because they are too busy keeping two lovers going.

I don’t really understand when people say marriage is hard work. I’ve been married 25 years and it’s never been hard work. It makes me think someone is married to the wrong person if it’s that hard work

I don’t think anyone’s said this. Plenty of us believe you have to work at a marriage. It takes effort and time to communicate, negotiate and iron out problems. I don’t believe anyone who says they haven’t been tempted to call it a day at some point.

I don’t really understand when people say marriage is hard work. I’ve been married 25 years and it’s never been hard work. It makes me think someone is married to the wrong person if it’s that hard work.

I don't find it hard work either. I haven't been married for 25 years, but I've been married quite a while and in the relationship for an additional few years. Life is sometimes hard but the marriage never is. Not saying we never annoy each other or that we're on a perpetual high of perfection, but I've never felt like I'm "working" to be happy with him or thought that I'd be happier without him. It certainly does seem like a lot of luck to me, that I found such a wonderful person that I love and who, God knows why, loves me too.

I always hear that relationships are hard or that they need work. I really don't think they're supposed to be THAT hard or require THAT much work.

I agree with your friend.

Regarding marriage being hard

I think a lot of people don't carve out time for themselves as a couple and get into rut and might just do things that they want to do themselves and then it becomes staid etc. Just an example.

@UnhingedDad

This is snobbery at its very worst! And some of the comments on this thread feel like they have been written in the dark ages! There are plenty of new families, relationships that are a damn site more functional than unhappy ‘stay-together-for-the-kids’ marriages!! You should all take a long hard look at your own situations before judging what other people are doing!!

People can absolutely have new and successful relationships with kids from previous relationships!

Totally agree. I thought I'd been transported back to 1930 when I read some of these comments.

Am reet happy for those of you who still have happy marriages after 500 years. Be thankful you didn't marry an abusive twat who didn't reveal his true colours til I was pregnant.

I’m divorced. Twice. I still think it’s sad for my kids that they’ve had to go through that. Better than me remaining in an unhappy or abusive marriage, but still harder than if they’d been born into a more stable family. It makes sibling relationships harder. Weekends and holidays are spent travelling backwards and forwards. There are different rules and expectations. Conflicts to navigate. And a parent moving on too quickly would exacerbate all of that.
So not snobby, but not necessarily tactful to say to you if she knows your situation.

Be thankful you didn't marry an abusive twat who didn't reveal his true colours til I was pregnant.

I am. Very very thankful. I am extremely lucky.

I'm divorced. I still don't think it's necessary to be forcing new partners into your children's lives and wouldn't do it to my child. There's no need for it.

@Waxonwaxoff0

I'm divorced. I still don't think it's necessary to be forcing new partners into your children's lives and wouldn't do it to my child. There's no need for it.

Forcing a new partner into a family is not great. But allowing it to happen in time is not wrong IMO. What's to say the new relationship isn't healthier, happier and generally more settling for the child(ren)?

The vast majority of comments seem to me to be saying you should never ever have a new partner introduced to your child. You should stay single forever or until they have left home. Why should I, after a failed marriage of 8 years, be shamed for wanting new love, a new relationship and a new merged family if it was natural?

@UnhingedDad because it's not about what's best for you, it's about what's best for the children.

I've never known any blended families where the children don't suffer in some way.

No reason why you can't date but no reason to involve them in your children's lives.

@Waxonwaxoff0 you have NEVER seen a blended family work well? I suppose ALL of the 'normal' families you know have perfect relationships, develop 'non-damaged' and well rounded children despite the years of bitterness a lot of marriages come with.

Maybe having a secret life from your children is one way of making them feel loved and included...🙄

I for one would like my child to be welcomed and involved in all aspects of my life! No secrets, no sneaking adults in and out a house, no palming them off to family/babysitters so I can go get some!

Not snobby. I think everyone would think the same.

Fuck's sake. Way to make kids grow up completely entitled by thinking the entire world revolves around them. Have I accidentally stepped onto the step-parenting board?

Of course, it is sad that many marriages do not last that long, but why should it put her back up? Why should she assume that others do not wish for their marriages to last longer than they did? Maybe she thinks that she alone has the magic formula for a long-lasting marriage. Maybe she is determined to put up with abuse behind closed doors because she does not want bigots like herself to judge her if she was to walk away from an abusive marriage. Now, she puts my back up!

@Abijay1 @PradaBallbag
Got some people talking sense at last!

I don't think most people are saying that you should never have a new relationship.
They are saying that to move a new partner in with kids within a year isn't great for kids.
It is putting the needs of adults first.

I have a so called blended family, and it 100% works for us, lots of love and zero drama. It can definitely work, and I would argue often does (although I am aware this is based on personal anecdotal evidence from people I know).

What you have to remember, people normally only post the bad stuff and the problems on mumsnet. No one is starting AIBU threads about well-functioning blended families. So for every bratty step daughter, dead beat dead, Cold step mum etc, there are an unseen number of adults making it work, putting their children's needs first while also moving on with new partners.

No reason why you can't date but no reason to involve them in your children's lives.

Exactly. Date who you want, just don't force your kids to live with your new woman/man and don't feel you need to have a child with every new partner you meet. We aren't lions.