To think this is a snobby view?

[MiaMarshmallows]

Friend has been married for 35 years and never divorced.
She said the other day ' I find it so depressing when I see photos of a couple with their children and then less than a year later, said couple have split and there's a new woman/man in place acting like a new family all being photographed together. '

Just got my back up a bit.

And adults are free to have a life once the children grow up

@PradaBallbag

Jesus Christ there's a lot of judgement on this thread. Not everyone who has been divorced moves a new partner in within a year.

And as for 'won't someone think of the children??' Christ. Adults deserve a life as well.

Why does it have to involve the children though? You can date without forcing someone on your child as a new "step parent." Personally I'd never move a man in while DS is still living at home, doesn't mean I don't "have a life", it just means I don't need to involve my child in that side of it.

OP, you got with your P just “months” after the end of his 14 year marriage. Did you already know him?

You’re the lucky one it worked out, not your friend.

But even so, I don’t necessarily think introducing a new intimate partner of a parent months after their parents’ marriage broke down, is ever really in the best interests of a child. Wait. Let them heal. I’d introduce them slowly once the kids are healed and I was sure.

@PradaBallbag

Jesus Christ there's a lot of judgement on this thread. Not everyone who has been divorced moves a new partner in within a year.

And as for 'won't someone think of the children??' Christ. Adults deserve a life as well.

My df died 30 years ago. I have only just discovered that my dm went out on occasional dates. She said that as she wouldn’t have considered introducing a stranger into our lives there was no need for us to know.

After losing my dad our home was our safe place and I am so grateful that she didn’t push us into playing happy families with some random. You can date without involving your dc.

As for my friend, she has got lucky. I am not saying she hasn't worked at her marriage but not many make it to 35 years and still going strong
and how do you think those "not many" make it to 35 years? Do you really think it's luck?

Well my 'some random' is my partner of 8.5 years. I didn't meet him until my marriage had been over for 18 months. And I only moved him in just less than 3 years ago. And he does way more for my daughter than her actual dad does (who she has gone no contact with). But y'know, I've probably ruined her life anyway 🙄

I’m sure he is a wonderful guy, but that doesn’t change the fact that it is your choice to live with him, not hers. My circumstances were different but as a grieving teenager I would have been devastated to have someone living in our home. It wouldn’t have mattered to me if he was the best person in the world, I didn’t want anyone else living with us. Thankfully my mum was happy for it to be just us too.

Jesus Christ there's a lot of judgement on this thread. Not everyone who has been divorced moves a new partner in within a year
I don't think anyone has said all people who have been divorced move in with someone within a year

What people are saying is that it's sad, and probably not good for the children, to have their family unit end (which may well be the right thing) and then for their parents to quickly start playing happy families with their new partner. A year isn't very long for a child to get use to their parents splitting and another romantic partner being on the scene, and the new partner moving in and assuming a step parent role.

Not snobby, judgemental maybe

Forty five years ago, my parents were divorced in a torrent of rather public humiliation and acrimony. DF married again and had another family; they are still together, apparently very happy and have a family together. But we (sister and I) were never part of it. I was a young adult when it all happened, so never hurt like a small child, and my not-quite step father who came into the picture five years later was immensely generous, helpful and supportive in my professional development, and I became very fond of him, while not blind to his flaws (and there were a few). Family relationships take years to play out, rather than months, and I am so grateful that I grew up and reached 40 before social media arrived.

@LuaDipa
I’m in the position of your mum and have decided that safe, stable place is the most important thing too. It was reassuring to read your post
Sometimes it does feel like being an outlier, choosing to remain single but it does feel like the best choice for our family unit. I saw the other side as a teacher and it’s not something I want for my children.

I don't think it's snobby or even a slight on blended families... I think it's a (valid) opinion on parents who introduce new partners as parent figures very quickly after a divorce.

Just because this sometimes works out doesn't mean that it's not potentially damaging to the children (which is sad).

@PegasusReturns

OP I recall some of your threads - if I remember right you are in a LD relationship and you have adult children as does tour DH?

That’s not a blended family in the way that many are talking about and it’s a bit disingenuous to suggest blended families are fantastic when your essentially referencing a bunch of adults who don’t live together meeting and getting on as adults

The OP's bloke has young DC though and they got together just a couple of months after his 'traumatic split from his wife' according to that thread.

That's probably why the OP too her friend's comment personally.

*took

@Blackberrycream I am very sorry to hear that. To be honest, it’s only as an adult that I realised exactly what my mum did for us. I’m ashamed to say that as a child I very much took it for granted. I certainly didn’t want my mum to be alone, but at the same time I don’t think it has to be misery and loneliness or a new partner in the home and in the same situation I would make the same choice. The sense of security my mum gave us, even after we had been shown that things can change in an instant, is nothing short of priceless and I will be forever grateful to her.

And I should say that now my siblings and I are long left home, it’s a running joke that my dmum is definitely living her best life. Prior to Covid she was never at home!!

@LuaDipa
Your mum sounds great. You taking it for granted would have been what she wanted. It’s definitely not misery or loneliness. It can be the best choice for everyone.

candyfloss sorry but 😂😂😂 I am so over him and them and the affair. What I am not over is his utter failure to acknowledge what his actions have cost our children. He refuses to acknowledge their ongoing sadness of split family life.. Dismisses any crying or clinging at handover as 'tiredness'. He has no clue about their day to day life and chooses to see them only eow or less if its not convenient. I am v happy with my 'living together apart' relationship that gives me an adult relationship, support, sex, fun, etc but does not involve the kids other than peripherally. If we split, it will have zero impact on them, which is my main priority. The ironic thing about your comment is that he does exactly what you did. Dismisses legitimate issues and concerns about our children, caused by HIS precipitous actions as me being bitter, or vindictive or sad or whatever. Because the alternative is that he has to admit that following his dick out of our marriage hurt our two children.

@HugeAckmansWife

candyfloss sorry but 😂😂😂 I am so over him and them and the affair. What I am not over is his utter failure to acknowledge what his actions have cost our children. He refuses to acknowledge their ongoing sadness of split family life.. Dismisses any crying or clinging at handover as 'tiredness'. He has no clue about their day to day life and chooses to see them only eow or less if its not convenient. I am v happy with my 'living together apart' relationship that gives me an adult relationship, support, sex, fun, etc but does not involve the kids other than peripherally. If we split, it will have zero impact on them, which is my main priority. The ironic thing about your comment is that he does exactly what you did. Dismisses legitimate issues and concerns about our children, caused by HIS precipitous actions as me being bitter, or vindictive or sad or whatever. Because the alternative is that he has to admit that following his dick out of our marriage hurt our two children.

Honestly though you do sound very bitter and very sad about it all. You should just do your best for your children and not dwell on him and his actions.

@HugeAckmansWife

candyfloss do fuck off. 'Bitter' is like 'nagging'. It's a word used to shut people up when they are saying something that makes others uncomfortable or guilty. What my ex, and you apparently, fail to understand, is that when a parent leaves a a marriage, and breaks a family, the reality of that is present every single day that they are not there. For the children, (not me) they experience every day, every bit of time in after school club or with a grandparent or every time they have to wait or compromise because there's one of me and two of them. They know that their step sibling sees their own dad 24/7 and they don't. I am perfectly OK, happy in myself, my relationship, happy as a SP, with the unending support of my own parents, but this thread is about whether quickly forming a new blended family is sad or damaging for the children. It's a resounding yes from me. I'm sorry if that pisses on anyone's chips about moving on or whatever.. Do carry on gaslighting about 'bitter ex wives' while we carry on doing the actual parenting.

I hope you get over it and can move on. I'm sure you feel guilt for having children with a man like that. Counselling might help xx

It sounds like she is being snobby about the whole mixed family thing.
To a degree though, I see her point. For every functional mixed family out there, trying hard every day to make it work and put the kids first, there's probably ten dysfunctional ones who are fucking up their offspring. And adults with children who leap from one relationship to the next are a complete mystery to me.

Oh dear God. Go away. I am 'over it'. I have 'moved on'. That doesn't equate to rolling over and saying selfish fuckwits who put their romantic lives before their kids are OK. Apologies OP for the derail.

Passive aggressive bullying there, Candy, how very clever of you. Hugh, you sound really grounded and put your kids first. Sadly so many parents don't. It's too bad counselling isn't more recommended for self-absorbed, immature people who put their need to for a live-in relationship ahead of everything else.

@HugeAckmansWife

Oh dear God. Go away. I am 'over it'. I have 'moved on'. That doesn't equate to rolling over and saying selfish fuckwits who put their romantic lives before their kids are OK. Apologies OP for the derail.

👏👏👏

Sounds like you're not over him.

Sounds like he prioritised and prioritised his need for a relationship with OW over his kids