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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is a snobby view?

388 replies

MiaMarshmallows · 16/03/2021 12:13

Friend has been married for 35 years and never divorced.
She said the other day ' I find it so depressing when I see photos of a couple with their children and then less than a year later, said couple have split and there's a new woman/man in place acting like a new family all being photographed together. '

Just got my back up a bit.

OP posts:
Magnificentmug12 · 16/03/2021 23:55

I was a kid in a blended family, I imagine everyone thought we was happy but it made my childhood hell.

I’ve been with my partner now for 16 years. We have downs as well as ups obviously- but luck is nothing to do with it, it takes work to remain loved up in a long term relationship as people begin to settle and emotions settle.

I suppose you could say luck as in my partner is not abusive nor argumentative but that’s not really luck as I wouldn’t have been with someone like that let alone had kids with them.

woollysheeps · 17/03/2021 00:00

I would be happy they are moving on with life than sitting being all bitter and twisted hating on women or men.
What is an acceptable time limit to Move on depends on how the split eventuated and judgemental people have no right to say poor children when they could of witnessed a lot of dmamging stuff than the new relationship
My child's had over 5 new Mothers so far 😂

HugeAckmansWife · 17/03/2021 00:09

Thank you wilibald I'm so glad someone gets it. The 'bitter' gaslighting thing really pisses me off. Its like a get out of jail free card for anyone who is criticised by an ex 'oh they're jus bitter and jealous'. Much easier than accepting they have a point.

Emeraldshamrock · 17/03/2021 00:29

@HugeAckmansWife He sounds like a dick. The DC will know and see eventually, you get what you put in with relationships especially with DC it is an investment, he'll have nothing built when they're teens/adults.
I'd be angry he let them down too.

Carbara · 17/03/2021 00:44

To the kids forced in to this, there’s no ‘blending’, it’s simply a parents latest shag being inflicted on their lives, solely for the benefit of the adults dating life. It’s a lot to inflict on a kid who is already dealing with the trauma of a broken home/disinterested parent, to have a parents new boyfriend or girlfriend shoehorned in to their home. Just keep your sex life entirely separate to the kid you chose to have. Win/win.

kittycorner · 17/03/2021 02:29

Having watched several friends go through their husband leaving for the person they were having the affair with, and their dc see family photos replaced with new partner/wife/gf instead of their Mum, I'd say it's not snooty, it's accurate that for many it's very painful.

Crikeycroc · 17/03/2021 02:54

I generally agree with your friend because in my own experience quickly blended families are usually more about serving the needs of adults rather than centering the needs of children.
Children who have just experienced family breakdown do not also need to navigate a blended family set up so soon. They need mum and dad’s full attention to adjust.

Sceptre86 · 17/03/2021 04:04

It has clearly hit a nerve with you which is why you are offended. I agree with her. It is often sad for kids when the parents split up although I would always advocate leaving an unhappy marriage rather than being a martyr for the children.

It is not just luck that keeps a relationship going for so many years, you have to work at it. It takes a lot of time, energy, commitment, love and understanding as well as a huge dose of give and take. I actually think you sound snobby in regards to people in longterm relationships.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 17/03/2021 06:22

My child's had over 5 new Mothers so far😂

How is that remotely funny?! It is just desperately sad.

Mmn654123 · 17/03/2021 06:38

@Pukkatea

Oh wow. My parents split up, I was 'ferried' between houses and had multiple step parents. Glad to see everyone sees my childhood as so sad and depressing. Save your condescension.

Yes, extremely snobby, privileged and patronising.

You don’t exactly sound well adjusted. Maybe it had more impact than you realise.
longwayoff · 17/03/2021 06:46

I find it depressing as well. I'm the only person in my family that hasn't been able to sustain a relationship over many years and my children suffered from it. I would definitely manage things better with hindsight.

HeadLikeAFuckinOrange · 17/03/2021 08:33

Blended families are mostly shit, created for the benefit of the adults at the expense of the children, who are just expected to make it work with a bunch of strangers in their own home / split their lives between 2 houses - because it makes their DM/ DDad happy.
Your friend is right.

BiBabbles · 17/03/2021 09:46

What is an acceptable time limit to Move on depends on how the split eventuated and judgemental people have no right to say poor children when they could of witnessed a lot of dmamging stuff than the new relationship

I keep seeing this idea that because a bad marriage can be damaging, which is very true, that this somehow justifies and erases the concerns people have about quick parent replacements/additions. Personally, in my experience, I think the more traumatic things a child has experienced, the more important it to for any dating or similar is in the child's periphery to help ensure a child's stability is prioritised as many have described.

Back when and where I was a child there was a lot of judgement in staying single with children - I was 'that poor child' with a lot of trauma having dealt with being around drug use and subjected to a lot of violence. A lot of people around my father thought what my siblings and I needed was a mother figure and that it would be best for all of us to 'move on'. My father was living it up and dating well out of my knowledge at first (I have court records involving some partying related arrests that I didn't know about until I was an adult to prove it), but is a man easily led by others' opinions and so followed their advice of bringing his girlfriend into the family. And then the next one. He thankfully stopped after that for my younger sister's and his own sake (to this day, he's a partying single man - that's his life), but I was gone by then. I don't know what that was meant to help, but it caused a lot of damage, some of which still isn't repaired. We didn't have two loving homes - my mother wanted nothing to do with us most of the time, me especcially - we had one shaky one. No amount of pictures on the wall was going to make my mother an "exparent" or erased what happened, it just led me to feeling like I couldn't talk about it for fear of being erased entirely as well.

That advice didn't work well for many which has swung advice and judgement the other way -- yeah it's not nice and sometimes it goes too far or seems smug, but I prefer the current more cautious advice that's going around now on bringing in partners especially as a parenting figure. When things are rough, bringing in an additional risk factor often makes it worse and someone new acting as a parent is an additional risk factor for the child.

How soon is too soon depends on a lot of factors -- sometimes the safest option is moving in straight away with another adult, but I've only seen that done well when there is a lot of effort in the 'new partner' not taking on a parenting role for a while, being almost like a lodger to the child and letting the child make the first moves towards getting closer and the other parent - even when not wanting anything to do with the child or not available, isn't treated like an "exparent". My mother was ruthlessly violent to the point of trying to kill me, she still wasn't and never will be my ex-mother and no amount of pictures will ever change that reality. I needed support moving forward, not moving on - and I needed stability, not a picture perfect 2 parent household, to do that.

Bourbonic · 17/03/2021 10:25

I don't give a single shite if people think I'm snobby but I agree with her.

Relationships break down and that's a shame for all involved, but mostly the children. I think its a bit weird to come out of a serious relationship and rush into another, but that's the prerogative of the individual. However, putting your child in that position of being pushed into a new family dynamic so soon after their lives massively changing is selfish beyond belief.

If you take umbrage at that, perhaps it's because deep down you know your children were not put first.

PegasusReturns · 17/03/2021 10:34

@WorraLiberty I understand why the OP is taking it personally, but whether the OP's bloke has young DC or not she is not in a “blended family” she’s in a LD relationship and I suspect she is trying way to hard.

I’m also going to go out on a limb and say the friends comment was deliberate and pointed because she sees exactly what is going on!

BootsieBarnes · 17/03/2021 13:17

Is this the same poster who moved in with her new boyfriend and his eow 9 year old and was waxing lyrical about how she was homeschooling the child. She was posting too many pictures on social media and the child's mother was getting pissed off.

She also had a friend who called her out on being a shit friend because she dropped her at whim and the OP was going on about how unfair it all was.

Does anyone remember that poster?

Is that you OP?

Mumofsend · 17/03/2021 13:29

I'm a single parent. I hate the idea of introducing someone new really quickly and playing happy families. I want a solid relationship longterm before my kids get involved. My children's father moved in with the woman he screwed whilst I was in hospital with our newborn. Her poor kid lost one father and gained a new one in 48 hours. Mine haven't seen their father since the day I kicked them out

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 17/03/2021 13:33

What an absolute shit your ex is Mumofsend. Your children will be so glad to have one parent who puts them first.

eyestotheskies · 17/03/2021 16:49

Well, I agree it’s sad that relationships break down, with kids involved, but I also think children growing up in a desperately cold and unhappy home environment is sad and damaging too.
I feel sadness and guilt that I ended my relationship after several years of zero physical affection or emotional intimacy - we were like two strangers almost, who argued non stop. I think that was very damaging for my dc.

And I did begin seeing someone else quickly, but kept it separate from my dc’s lives and in no way tried to replace their Dad who for all his flaws is a great father.

TinselTinsel · 17/03/2021 17:39

I've never been married nor do I want, split with DS's (17) dad when he was one, he's never had a step parent but now that he's nearly 18 I'm gonna get me some much needed action Wink

NannieK · 17/03/2021 17:44

I think it must be great to have a lasting relationship but this is not the case for everyone. I split with my e after 5 years and them met my current partner. He has brought my daughter up and I am happy to have found such a supportive person

Mary54 · 17/03/2021 17:55

I agree with your friend. It is sad when marriages end as it effectively also ends the family in its original form. I suspect the children do not always realize that their parents are unhappy together and are still trying to come to terms with the separation when they are expected to be part of a new family.

cherish123 · 17/03/2021 18:19

Not snobby. Lots of snobby/posh people get divorced.

Pious, maybe. It is sad to see but many seemingly or outwardly happy couples get divorced.

Frankola · 17/03/2021 18:29

It is depressing and sad.

If she said the same thing and was also separated/divorced would you think that was snobby then?

oakleaffy · 17/03/2021 18:57

@Magnificentmug12

I was a kid in a blended family, I imagine everyone thought we was happy but it made my childhood hell.

I’ve been with my partner now for 16 years. We have downs as well as ups obviously- but luck is nothing to do with it, it takes work to remain loved up in a long term relationship as people begin to settle and emotions settle.

I suppose you could say luck as in my partner is not abusive nor argumentative but that’s not really luck as I wouldn’t have been with someone like that let alone had kids with them.

Agree totally. Anyone who is considering having kids with a violent man needs to give their head a wobble.

Relationships take effort on both sides.