To be annoyed at this teacher?

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My DS is 12. His dad passed away a few years ago. Today ds came home and he seemed upset and he told me that he was crying In last lesson and the teacher told him to get on with his work instead of crying as he's in year 7 now so he should start acting like it.

Ds told me that he asked to go to the toilet to get a tissue and the teacher refused and told him to stay after the lesson was finished. The teacher told ds that he needs to get on with his work instead of crying and acting like a 2 year old

Aibu to be annoyed and wibu to phone tje school tomorrow?

PegasusReturns
There's a lot of teachers on this thread who agree that the teacher was unreasonable though.

I don't think its so much that teachers can do no wrong, and more that some people have an unrealistic and unsympathetic view of how 11/12 year olds manage emotions.

@LolaSmiles yes you’re right - I’m incredulous that anyone could be defending the teacher in this situation and so accept that I’m being hyperbolic.

PegasusReturns
Apologies if I sounded defensive. Sometimes we get an unfair rep on here, and it doesn't help when it looks like some are defending teachers behaving poorly. It makes me want to shout 'oi! Not in our name'

I am very sorry about this! It's possible that the school did not know about the significance of the date; and that perhaps the teacher thought that your son was just crying because of something like finding the work too difficult. Even in such a case, however, the reaction of 'stop behaving like a two-year-old, you're in Year 7' is fairly unforgivable. This equating of crying and other indications of distress with 'babyishness' was not uncommon in the past, but most teachers do not have such attitudes nowadays.

@HamFisted

However, in a class of thirty who've missed most of the academic year already, with a rammed curriculum that's already difficult to fit in and no other adults in the class, there's probably not the time or space to take a kid to one side and have a long and gentle conversation not linked to the lesson at hand.

I know that it’s a challenge, but I’d make it a priority. Screw the curriculum cramming- that child matters more for a 10 minute chat. Put a relevant YouTube on and take the child to the corridor, just outside the door, for a gentle chat. Especially if that child is grieving!

[quote Greenmarmalade]@HamFisted

However, in a class of thirty who've missed most of the academic year already, with a rammed curriculum that's already difficult to fit in and no other adults in the class, there's probably not the time or space to take a kid to one side and have a long and gentle conversation not linked to the lesson at hand.

I know that it’s a challenge, but I’d make it a priority. Screw the curriculum cramming- that child matters more for a 10 minute chat. Put a relevant YouTube on and take the child to the corridor, just outside the door, for a gentle chat. Especially if that child is grieving![/quote]
It's difficult, and we definitely don't have ten minutes, but in this day and age it's always worth a call to guidance or support one of whom will be available.

[quote Greenmarmalade]@HamFisted

However, in a class of thirty who've missed most of the academic year already, with a rammed curriculum that's already difficult to fit in and no other adults in the class, there's probably not the time or space to take a kid to one side and have a long and gentle conversation not linked to the lesson at hand.

I know that it’s a challenge, but I’d make it a priority. Screw the curriculum cramming- that child matters more for a 10 minute chat. Put a relevant YouTube on and take the child to the corridor, just outside the door, for a gentle chat. Especially if that child is grieving![/quote]
Uh huh. And when one of the ones watching YouTube prats about and ends up hurting themselves? Or punches another kid? Or goes and switches the YouTube to something inappropriate? Suddenly you're in gross misconduct territory.

Also, teacher training doesn't cover grief counselling and, in a secondary setting, this kid may only see you for an hour every two weeks- you're practically a stranger. Lots of kids would rather chew their own arm off than open up to a teacher in that situation anyway.

So, yes, in an ideal world you would, but in reality, you can't. And even if you did, it probably wouldn't help much.

@BrumBoo
Two years is not “years later”. You make it sound like 10 years have passed. Two years is nothing when losing a parent as a young child.

Also take a look at this:
www.boredpanda.com/ball-in-box-analogy-dealing-with-loss/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic

Yeh no way would I get away with putting on a YouTube and having a 10 minute corridor chat. That's an unrealistic expectation.

2 mins max, with an either come back in when you're ready or go find HOY.

@Matildalamp when I read the thread, 2 years hadn't been mentioned anywhere. I dont really care to trudge through a thread I've no interest in reading further to see if you're right or not, and I'm certainly not clicking any links. Please don't tag me in anything further.

@BrumBoo

[quote Matildalamp]@BrumBoo
[/quote]
What's with the eye rolling? You can't read the thread properly - the op never said 'two years', I never said the child shouldn't be upset, only that perhaps they need more help if days like birthdays means crying in class. I have not been unsympathetic, I have nothing more to add to the thread that I stopped posting on early on yesterday, so save your eye rolling for someone who cares for it, @matildalamp .

@BrumBoo
Anniversaries can mean crying for years and years, in my experience at least. And crying at unexpected moments. It isn’t necessarily unhealthy.

@HamFisted and @RootyT00t I would do exactly this, and have done similar many times. I stand at the door- nobody would mess around or be hurt. If I was in a school with better, available pastoral care, I’d send them there with another child to escort them there. I wouldn’t just get on with the lesson. I have at least 3 children who have been bereaved this year (parents) and I would expect all of my colleagues to prioritise helping them in a time like this.

I wouldn't have a 10 minute chat outside, but I'd absolutely have a quiet chat with them in class whilst others are getting on, give them some space if they want it, give the option to step outside to clear their head, have a 2 minute chat outside the room whilst I can still hear and see the class.

That's been the norm most places I've worked and it also means staff walking the walk. It's hard for staff to expect students to treat each other with compassion if the staff aren't modelling the behaviour and attitudes we want to see.

2 minute chat is much more realistic. I’m terrible with time keeping 😆

Do some of your schools not have pastoral or similar to deal with this
No excuse from the teacher a child crying for whatever reason needs attention

@Lolasmiles, @greenmarmalade and others, this sort of thing helps so much. Thank you! It is nerve-racking sending anxious child into school every day. The flawlessly consistent kindness shown by my child's teachers goes so far in helping him feel safe in school. I honestly cannot overstate how much difference it makes to him, and to our whole family. It doesn't take 10 mins and a YouTube video, it doesn't matter if you can't get them to talk, or if you can't solve the problem. Just being kind and taking them seriously is so powerful. Not many Y7s will cry in front of the class unless they have literally no other options.

donewithitalltodayandxmas
We do, but sometimes 2 minutes chat with their classroom teacher is enough and then we can let heads of year and form tutors know.
Heads of Year are almost always overstretched in my experience, and whilst it's just my opinion I think the school culture is better when all staff play an active role in pastoral care. It's sometimes less disruptive all round for a classroom teacher to show they care, give the student a minute to gather themselves and then continue with the lesson, and if that doesn't work then give the student a corridor pass to see the relevant colleague.

[quote BrumBoo]@Matildalamp when I read the thread, 2 years hadn't been mentioned anywhere. I dont really care to trudge through a thread I've no interest in reading further to see if you're right or not, and I'm certainly not clicking any links. Please don't tag me in anything further.[/quote]
@BrumBoo, you do realise that this is a thread about a bereaved child that you're being foul and aggressive on?

Is this how you behave in real life? If not, why not?

A little boy lost his dad and was upset, naturally. There are some fucking nasty people on this thread. There are some bloody awful teachers. There are some good teachers. Let's not pretend all teachers are marvelous when they're not.

I hope DS gets and apology OP and that the teacher get their arse kicked.

@BrumBoo I've re read it - you think he needs more help because "something like his dad's birthday has made him cry in class?!