To be annoyed at this teacher?

[durchsuchenden]

My DS is 12. His dad passed away a few years ago. Today ds came home and he seemed upset and he told me that he was crying In last lesson and the teacher told him to get on with his work instead of crying as he's in year 7 now so he should start acting like it.

Ds told me that he asked to go to the toilet to get a tissue and the teacher refused and told him to stay after the lesson was finished. The teacher told ds that he needs to get on with his work instead of crying and acting like a 2 year old

Aibu to be annoyed and wibu to phone tje school tomorrow?

I would complain to HoY at least.
A crying child asks to go to the toilet (to get a tissue) and is refused?

the child needs to be helped to process that grief in a way which makes him able to move forward with his life. Because he does need to be able to move forward.

How does a child crying mean they are not moving forwards? Honestly, some people are very afraid of human emotions.

How does a child crying mean they are not moving forwards? Honestly, some people are very afraid of human emotions. a child randomly crying at any point years down the line is most definitely an indication of that child struggling to come to terms with the loss. It has nothing to do with not being in touch with human emotion. Nobody has said the child shouldn’t grieve for the parent, but unfortunately that child does also have to move forward in the society he is a part of.

Crying in class because it was his birthday is perfectly understandable. But would you really say that randomly crying as and when the mood took shouldn’t be addressed? Even if shouting was unacceptable, (assuming that’s what actually happened) there does need to come a point where the situation needs addressing for all concerned.

As much as people consider it not healthy to keep emotions in check at all times, it is equally not healthy to be so consumed with it all that everything else has to give. There has to be a point where that is addressed in order for that person to carry on with their life. Because life does go on, sadly.

@HeartsAndClubs I completely disagree with your general tone and approach to grief, but there is no point arguing about it. Some people are harder than others.

The teacher was unkind and unfair.

In future; I would email my sons tutor on important days like this and that tutor can give your sons teachers a heads up. You could ask them not to raise it but to be aware of it.

Oh gosh OP, I’m so sorry for what happened to your DS and I’m so sorry for your loss.

In hindsight, if you were in two minds about ending your DS in on this anniversary, it might have paid to earn his teachers.

They’re not mind readers.

A quick word might have made today easier on everyone.

Did he tell the teacher why he was crying.

@ChlamydiaSexPond

Ummm... I'm not convinced it happened just like that. I'm sorry your son was upset in school but no teacher would do this. They are educators, not arseholes!

I think your little darling might be telling fibs

Trust me, I’ve known teachers who would.

@durchsuchenden

Ds was crying because today would've been his dads birthday (I did say he didn't have to go to school but he said he wanted to).

Ds told me that he had his head on the desk and the person sitting next to him said he was crying and the teacher told him to sit up and do his work

Did you inform school in the morning and remind them that today would have been his late Dad’s birthday and that your he might be feeling upset? (We often get forwarded e-mails and are told to send students to pastoral if they are not coping). Did your son tell the teacher why he was crying?

And bloody hell, if my dad died I would cry on his birthday and probably other days 2 years on and I’m a grown adult. I don’t disbelieve this as I have seen some teachers be absolutely awful to children. It’s not common but it DEFINITELY happens.
I would speak to the HOY to be honest, at least to “get the other side of the story”.

@ChlamydiaSexPond you can never say "no teacher would" that's ridiculous. Most teachers are amazing and really care about their kids. BUT a few are still stuck in Victorian times, are nasty, on power trips, prejudiced, sexist, or aren't good at hiding their dislike of individual children that they've clashed with before.

Teachers are human with human flaws and no amount of training, standards, etc will stop a few being really poor in their classrooms where there is no one in authority watching over them. It happens.

Really sorry for your family loss OP. I would try speaking to the teacher first but wouldn't hesitate to take it further if the response is inadequate. Your poor boy.

[quote Cushionsnotpillows]@ChlamydiaSexPond you can never say "no teacher would" that's ridiculous. Most teachers are amazing and really care about their kids. BUT a few are still stuck in Victorian times, are nasty, on power trips, prejudiced, sexist, or aren't good at hiding their dislike of individual children that they've clashed with before.

Teachers are human with human flaws and no amount of training, standards, etc will stop a few being really poor in their classrooms where there is no one in authority watching over them. It happens.

Really sorry for your family loss OP. I would try speaking to the teacher first but wouldn't hesitate to take it further if the response is inadequate. Your poor boy.[/quote]
I really don't think this is true. I've worked in education for 20 years and I have never come across a teacher like you describe.
Believe it or not, teachers are absolutely dedicated to their jobs and love their students. Kids often tell fibs to get themselves out of trouble. It's the way of the world.

@ChlamydiaSexPond

Please be realistic, not all teachers are perfect. You sound a bit deluded.

I'm an ex-teacher myself and know how decent the vast majority are.

I would contact the school and ask what happened. Is it unusual for your son to be told off or is this a regular occurrence - even on ‘ordinary’ days?

This whole situation could have been avoided if you had contacted the school in the morning and reminded them that today might be a difficult day for your DS.

So, ask what happened. Tell the teacher about your son’s Dad and say that you should have let them know.

Some posters have said that you need to hear the whole story and I agree.

Here’s a scenario:
Something happens with student in class (poor engagement, chatting not working, distracted).
Teacher tells student to focus on work.
Student doesn’t respond and continues.
Teacher gets quite rightly irritated.
Student puts head on desk and starts crying.
Teacher thinks student is ignoring instructions and taking the P.
Teacher is oblivious to the fact that student is having an off day due to it being his late Dad’s B’day.

And yes, some children do cry to get out of trouble.
More often than not though there is some underlying issue but teachers are not mind readers. They deal with what is in front of them to begin with.

What a horrible teacher. Definitely complain.

@Whenthesunshines

And yes, some children do cry to get out of trouble. More often than not though there is some underlying issue but teachers are not mind readers. They deal with what is in front of them to begin with.

The teacher didn't need to be a mind reader. A yr 7 is able to speak. The teacher should have simply asked what's wrong and empathised. There's more to being a teacher than teaching the curriculum. Some human communication skills wouldn't go amiss. No mind reading required.

@HeartsAndClubs you sound quite heartless. Just because someone a person loved died many years ago, doesn't mean that they should never get upset or emotional about it. People still care, and it will be harder for a child to lose a parent quite young. My DM died a few years ago and yes, I still miss her more than I can explain and regularly shed tears when it hits me again unexpectedly. Have some empathy for a young lad who has lost his dad.

God, all these people clambering to defend the teacher by trampling all over ops DS.
Honestly, I’d rather say nothing on a thread than infer that a bereaved child is lying for whatever reason.

YANBU. My son was told off in Y6 with "girls make that noise, boys don't". It's utter crap and desperately unhelpful. Thankfully things have been so much better at secondary.

Secondary teachers won't necessarily remember every circumstance but if a child is crying in class it needs to be treated as a pastoral issue, not a disciplinary one.

Why would he lie? Did they give detention and he wanted to get out of it was there some sort of punishment?

@NormanStangerson

I’m finding the barely disguised suggestions that this kid shouldn’t be crying because his dad died ‘years ago’ to be pretty fucking abhorrent.

And if quite a few posters on here are saying that, I'd not be at all surprised that several teachers in a large school had a dismissive and cruel attitude to a crying child . Especially a male crying child in a secondary school.

I imagine many teachers are struggling at the moment which is probably giving them compassion fatigue and bringing out their unpleasant side. This doesn't mean it is ok, they are paid to teach and to at least act as if they care about their charges.

Definitely write an email to the pastoral team and head of year to explain what your son said happened and ask for their side. Don't let it go.

@Doggitydog

God, all these people clambering to defend the teacher by trampling all over ops DS. Honestly, I’d rather say nothing on a thread than infer that a bereaved child is lying for whatever reason.

I agree

ChlamydiaSexPond, believing all teachers are good and children are liars is really rather dangerous.

I don’t know if anyone is saying he ‘lied’ about the situation.
People are urging the OP to talk to the teacher/school about what happened in context.
OP is also being urged to forewarn the school of her son is likely to have an off day or is feeling particularly stressed.

“I think your little darling might be telling fibs” direct quote whenthesunshines