To be annoyed at this teacher?

[durchsuchenden]

My DS is 12. His dad passed away a few years ago. Today ds came home and he seemed upset and he told me that he was crying In last lesson and the teacher told him to get on with his work instead of crying as he's in year 7 now so he should start acting like it.

Ds told me that he asked to go to the toilet to get a tissue and the teacher refused and told him to stay after the lesson was finished. The teacher told ds that he needs to get on with his work instead of crying and acting like a 2 year old

Aibu to be annoyed and wibu to phone tje school tomorrow?

Some teachers would be like this. Sadly I can think of a colleague who would say something like this. You could say it was generational but that doesn't mean it's ok.

My dad goes to a single sex grammar school. She has cried at school many times and it's been ignored. I'm surprised people think this doesn't happen.

I doubt that is exactly what happened. Although you get teachers who are horrible, the vast majority aren't and care about the children they teach. You really have to take what children say happened at school with a pinch of salt. It's still worth contacting the school so they can ensure your son gets some extra support.

Did the teacher realise he was crying?

I can imagine saying something like 'sit up and get working' if a child had their head on the desk without realising they were crying. Obviously once I'd realised I'd ask them if they wanted to take a minute outside.

Toilets are tricky at the moment - we've restricted access except for medical need because of covid, so I can imagine not letting them out for a tissue too (if I hadn't realised they were crying), I usually offer blue roll instead. It's a long way round the one way system and we have to be careful of lesson changeover for other groups.

Obviously, some teachers are arseholes, or possibly under a lot of pressure right now, but if the teacher wasn't aware of the significance of the date and hadn't actually realised DS was upset I can see they might have been harsh without realising the gravity of the situation.

The year 7 comment is a bit off, did the teacher say 'stop crying, you're y7 now' or 'sit up, you're y7 now'? Former, probably an arsehole, latter, possibly a bit stressed right now, and not at their best.

Either way, worth a conversation with the teacher, possibly HOY if they obviously knew he was crying, and therefore an arsehole.

Just to give a different perspective, we have about 6 supply teachers in daily at the moment because of huge staff absence, good pastoral care is virtually impossible with daily changes of teachers.
I'm in a middle school, with y7 as well.
I'm sure the parents have no idea things are so dire at my school, as they aren't allowed on site and kids are not really telling them what's happening.
Was the teacher a regular teacher, or cover?
To be honest, I teach over 250 different kids a week, some who have had very recent trauma -it's really hard to keep up with everything going on with kids, staff absence, covering for colleagues etc etc

However in saying all that if it was a regular staff member who knows the history they should have been more sensitive, no doubt.

Absolutely call the school and find out what happened.

“It's very sad his dad passed away years ago, but if days like birthdays cause him to not want to go to school and burst into tears years later, it suggests he really needs some higher level of support over it.”

My mum died years ago. I still get upset on her birthday and usually take a days leave to visit the cemetery. I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Poor child.

Unfortunately I doubt the teacher would be aware of the context as to why your son was upset.

Unfortunately I doubt the teacher would be aware of the context as to why your son was upset.

It really doesn't matter why.

Can’t see why it matters if teacher knew the history or not,Surely it should be’child crying,not good, let’s try and help’
This would definitely have happened when I was a child,had hoped things had improved

@flumposie

Unfortunately I doubt the teacher would be aware of the context as to why your son was upset.

Why does it matter? If a child is crying, it suggests they are upset. How can it possibly be the right thing for an adult to shout at them?

[quote BrumBoo]@Babygotblueyes I've reread a few times and can't see where you've got 2 years from?[/quote]
A few = 2? Possibly 3. Also not very long for a young lad to have lost his dad.

@NormanStangerson

Bloody hell

Drip feed and a half OP!

It isn’t really a drip feed @RootyT00t, the OP said her son’s dad had died and that he was crying in her post. The reason for his crying isn’t a massive leap, it was insinuated it was linked to his dad.

No, I don't think so.

A child crying in class is not necessarily linked.

Does it actually matter why he was crying? In the sense that if he was crying over something 'minor' like a row with a friend or something, would that make the teachers attitude acceptable?

No it bloody wouldn't.

I loathe this inherent attitude that boys in particular should just put up with stuff. I had an issue with my DSs school when he felt upset at school and didn't want to go to tutorial. He was happy to go to lessons, and did, but for various reasons didn't want to be in his tutor group. His dickhead HOY and the stupid cow of an attendance officer (involved because by not being in tutorial he was marked absent) told him in front of me to 'man up' and not be a baby. I told them exactly what I thought of that disgusting attitude.

I should add that girls in the same school were given all kinds of allowances. Boys however were not allowed to have any emotion. As a pp said it is no wonder male mental health in this country is in such a bad way.

OP I'm so sorry your son has been spoken to like this. I hope you are able to resolve matters with the school.

No, I don't think so

A child crying in class is not necessarily linked

I think it would have been a drip feed if the child wasn’t crying about his dad. All the info was there.

I’m finding the barely disguised suggestions that this kid shouldn’t be crying because his dad died ‘years ago’ to be pretty fucking abhorrent.

@NormanStangerson

I’m finding the barely disguised suggestions that this kid shouldn’t be crying because his dad died ‘years ago’ to be pretty fucking abhorrent.

I agree.

It is all about knowing your student. I have kids in my class for whom crying would be a massive cause for concern. I have kids who cry if they have been in trouble earlier and are upset about this. I have had kids who have cried in registration after being told off by a senior teacher for nasty behaviour towards other students. I have had kids who cry most Monday mornings because they would rather stay home with mum. For that child, a job or activity to get on with and a kind but brisk let's get on with the day and you will feel better works a million times better than him being taken out and given tea and sympathy. Within ten minutes he is colouring, tidying the books and is back into school mode and getting on with his day. To an outsider that might look like a lack of compassion, it isn't. It is helping him much more effectively because I know what is going on. We don't know the OP's son. Does he cry when he gets told off? Does he cry when he asks to go home sick and the school office say no because they know he isn't sick? Does he cry in maths because he dislikes maths tests? Did the OP tell the school today might be difficult as it is his father's birthday? Until you have context, it is impossible to say what the teacher should have done. You also only have one side of the story. Even taking the words that were supposedly said and put them in a different tone can make a huge difference.
I had a child who would frequently cry one year if he didn't want to work. He had all manner of support from LSA's, family support workers etc. He would also refuse to talk sometimes and would refuse to look at you or move from his seat sometimes. If he told me he just didn't want to write, I would offer to help him get started but ultimately if he continued to refuse, he would be told to get on with what needed to be done. I have no idea whether this teacher is a harsh, unfeeling monster, but there is also every chance this is a tiny scrap of the whole picture.

Agree with the above.

There's no time limit on grief. My father died nearly 25 years ago. I was in my early 20s when he died, so not a child like the OPs DS - which would make it even harder to deal. I still miss my dad every day and still cry over the fact I will never see or speak to him again.

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your family's loss.

I'm a teacher. Three things:

1. It's likely your son's teacher had no idea about his father's death. Your son is in Year 7, there's been a huge amount of upheaval this year so we know our new classes less well than we would ordinarily by this point in the term, and internal communication systems aren't always updated regularly. In my school only form tutors get told sensitive information which is passed on to other staff on a strictly need to know basis - I've come a cropper many times with kids due to not having been told that mum and dad just got divorced/grandma died last week, etc. Some schools really aren't great at passing on this information to teaching staff.

1. Your son may well have misconstrued or misrepresented what really happened. He may have unwittingly exaggerated the teacher's words. This wouldn't surprise me at all - I don't have enough fingers to count the amount of times I've had parents email me about things their kids have said when that's not what I said at all, or has been taken wholly out of context.

1. You don't know the context. Maybe the teacher had asked your son repeatedly if he was ok, your son had been non communicative, and he lost his rag, thinking he was just mucking about. Context is everything.

If I were you, I'd email the teacher concerned, let them know why your son was crying, mention that he was a bit upset at how it had been handled in the classroom, and just give him a heads up for the future that he does still regularly have wobbles so tears might happen. You could also advise on how to handle it - if your son doesn't like attention drawn to himself, for example, then the teacher will know not to mention anything in front of the class and speak to him afterwards, or know to let him leave discretely with a trusted friend to calm down outside, etc. Rather than going in all guns blazing, seeking to point fingers, sending in an email that seeks to inform and give solutions to avoid it happening again would be far more useful. I know it's so upsetting when your child comes home from school with a story like this, but I would advise giving the teacher the benefit of the doubt. I would also strongly recommend dealing with the teacher concerned directly - there's nothing more annoying than a parent who goes straight to the Head, causing all sorts of stress, when a chat with the teacher themselves would have cleared the situation up quickly and amicably. Teachers are adult professionals - please treat them as such. I would only ever advise emailing the Head if you hadn't had a response from the teacher or if the response was not satisfactory.

Again why the assumption he misconstrued
Surely it’s about how it made him feel
Some teachers are stuck in the dark ages

Terrible @durchsuchenden please do call & speak to the Head. That teacher, no matter what the reason for crying, was way out of line. But considering the reasons your ds was crying, it's just horrifying. Not something he will forget either. What an awful vile thing for a teacher to say.
Hoping the school takes it seriously, the teacher apologises to your ds and in the class because the rest of the students likely heard and should hear him apologise and that teacher should also have to take some training in trauma, emotional support etc. Just terrible.

@NormanStangerson

I’m finding the barely disguised suggestions that this kid shouldn’t be crying because his dad died ‘years ago’ to be pretty fucking abhorrent.

I agree too.

Woah! Your poor lad. Most 12 year old boys would rather pluck their own eyes out than cry in class, so it was obviously pretty major that your son was crying about. I agree too with the comments about crying being seen as a less than masculine thing to do. Not healthy. I would be a lot more than annoyed at that teacher, even if they were completely ignorant of the circumstances.

I’m finding the barely disguised suggestions that this kid shouldn’t be crying because his dad died ‘years ago’ to be pretty fucking abhorrent. it’s all about context though isn’t it. Until the OP drip-fed that the day was the dad’s birthday the inference was that the child was crying for his dad who had been dead for several years, which could indicate that the child is in need of some deeper therapy. Not because grieving for a parent isn’t acceptable, but because the child needs to be helped to process that grief in a way which makes him able to move forward with his life. Because he does need to be able to move forward.

As for not believing him, it’s about having to get the whole picture. It’s important not to blindly believe someone and to find out all the circumstances, not least because if that wasn’t how it happened you can have a conversation with the child about what was said or meant. And I’m not saying that the child is lying here but there are instances where a child absolutely would lie about the treatment by a teacher, and a parent blindly trusting without finding out all the facts is just going to lead to the child being able to get away with whatever they want because they will always be believed.

The OP can still believe that her son is sure of his interpretation of events, but need to speak to the school as well to find out the other side.