To be annoyed at this teacher?

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My DS is 12. His dad passed away a few years ago. Today ds came home and he seemed upset and he told me that he was crying In last lesson and the teacher told him to get on with his work instead of crying as he's in year 7 now so he should start acting like it.

Ds told me that he asked to go to the toilet to get a tissue and the teacher refused and told him to stay after the lesson was finished. The teacher told ds that he needs to get on with his work instead of crying and acting like a 2 year old

Aibu to be annoyed and wibu to phone tje school tomorrow?

Some teachers are arseholes, some are having a shit day. Some have a random moment of doing something shit...they are human and you are going to get the whole lot of human reactions... Most are pretty good but yeah there is the random arsehole moment.

(Ex teacher)

Take it up with the school..find out what happened.

Some horrible attitudes on this thread, no wonder there are so many male mental health problems. I do hope some of these posters don’t have sons. @ChlamydiaSexPond you’re deluded, some teachers are just nasty, just as in the general population. @HeartsAndClubs, you have no idea about the process of grief.

The idea that teachers shouldn’t be bothered about a child crying unless it’s been explained to them beforehand is bizarre. If a child’s crying, the teacher needs to find out why. The fact the teacher clearly didn’t give a shit about an upset 12 year old boy is appalling.

Yes

“ DS doesn't normally mess around in lessons so I don't think he was yesterday. I will call the school today.”

In the circumstances the teacher should have taken him out of the classroom and asked him why he was crying. If the teacher didn’t do this then it is completely wrong. If they did and your son explained, again teacher completely out of order. If your son was asked but didn’t want to explain (which is fair enough) then the teacher may have just said ‘well then you need to be getting on with your work’ etc and would feel mortified to find out the reason. You do need to find o though so a call to the school to find out more is in order.

Some teachers are arseholes, some are having a shit day. Some have a random moment of doing something shit...they are human and you are going to get the whole lot of human reactions... Most are pretty good but yeah there is the random arsehole moment.

This

@Theluggage15

Some horrible attitudes on this thread, no wonder there are so many male mental health problems. I do hope some of these posters don’t have sons. *@ChlamydiaSexPond you’re deluded, some teachers are just nasty, just as in the general population. @HeartsAndClubs*, you have no idea about the process of grief.

The idea that teachers shouldn’t be bothered about a child crying unless it’s been explained to them beforehand is bizarre. If a child’s crying, the teacher needs to find out why. The fact the teacher clearly didn’t give a shit about an upset 12 year old boy is appalling.

I don’t think there are many teachers who are horrible to children on purpose. I think there are teachers who are irritated, frustrated, human. There are teachers who sometimes make mistakes and get it wrong. People who inherently dislike children do not work as teachers.

If you've told the Head of Year then speak to them again and find out if that information was shared with all relevant staff.

Our heads of years will typically ask to see a child's teachers at the end of a meeting, or send an email round to relevant staff if a child has an emotionally upsetting event/date coming up so that we know to cut them some slack and keep an eye.

I can well imagine myself saying to a Year 7 student to get their head off the desk, but the second I see they're crying I'd ask if they want to step outside for a minute. Most teachers would do that. Unfortunately some aren't very understanding and have poor pastors care skills.

Hi I am a primary HLTA and at our school we have an amazing Family Support Worker who works with children in situations like your son's. Does your son's school have someone like that who your son could go to when he is upset? He needs extra support given what you and he are going through. As for the teacher his/her attitude is disgusting. If that was me I would take the child out of class and talk to them 1-1 in a quiet space and find out what is going on and relate it to the relevant people. I'm sorry that he and you are going through such a tough time.

@user1487194234

Again why the assumption he misconstrued Surely it’s about how it made him feel Some teachers are stuck in the dark ages

Because the majority of the time the side of the story that goes home isn’t quite the full picture. There’s often some pertinent details missing.

The teacher might be a mobster and yelled at a yr 7 who was crying for no reason she knew about, but before going in all guns blazing and making complaints it might be better to get both sides of the story.

Would you like to be treated like that at work?

In my work, complaints are not dealt with by the person being complained about. They are dealt with by the manager of that person. They get a chance to explain during the review of the complaint but it would be nonsensical to allow a person to deal with their own complaints personally.

Is there any workplace where people are allowed to investigate themselves? If you felt you were treated unprofessional by a police officer, would you call up the station and ask to speak to that police officer directly or would you escalate it to their superior?

I'm not one for kicking off at schools and teachers, but I would be at this. Your poor boy ☹️

A Yr7 crying should be dealt with kindly, regardless of the circumstances. As a classroom teacher, if they "have form" for crying to get out of trouble or to avoid work, you still treat them kindly unless specifically directed to ignore crying by a HoY. Every teacher should know that kids have stuff going on at home they we aren't privy to.

OP, I would speak to the HoY.

@thedancingbear well, no since that is staggeringly nothing like what I said.

I said that's how the chain of events looked to the teacher, who may well not have known about the dad or the birthday.

@daisyoranges

It doesn’t matter loveisland and it wasn’t a drip feed at all.

It’s just as unlikely that an ordinarily well behaved child would suddenly start misbehaving and construct an elaborate story really isn’t it?

It was a massive drip feed

Only if you struggle to read a three paragraph OP, which clearly states “His dad passed away a few years ago.”

Totally unacceptable ,i have 3 kids , 1 still at school , i am not a run to the school and bollock the teacher type .
In all their school years i have confronted a teacher once , i was not the only parent .
In this instance i would be complaining , and i would want to speak directly to the teacher .
Compassion and kindness costs nothing .

Only if you struggle to read a three paragraph OP, which clearly states “His dad passed away a few years ago.”
Exactly, it's not rocket science to see that's probably a contributing factor. I'd have been more surprised if the loss of his dad wasn't the factor.

Either way, there's no reason for a teacher to respond to a crying child like that. A child crying at random is a concern.

So sorry for your loss
I think whether or not the teacher knew the circumstances they should never speak to a distressed child like this, particularly after such a difficult year. If a child is in distress they need to help.

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I did inform DS's head of year. DS doesn't normally mess around in lessons so I don't think he was yesterday. I will call the school today“

Are YOU ok? Incredibly difficult time for you, without having to do this.
Is there someone who can be with you when you call?

but no teacher would do this

This is simply not true

Most teachers are fantastic, but teachers are capable of being crap at their job and unpleasant people just like any other walk of life.

I think whether or not the teacher knew the circumstances they should never speak to a distressed child like this

Not all children who cry in lessons are in distress. Some children will absolutely use it as a tactic to avoid work or to get out of trouble. I'm not saying that the OP's child was, nor condoning the teachers' response. But it is naïve to think that children wouldn't cry on purpose.

@RootyT00t what is this thing with the dripfeed? It really wasn't.

Should the teacher have reacted differently if OP's son had been upset last week instead of this week, like he has reached some sort of "excuse" threshold that he didn't qualify for last week? Of course not. There is any number of reasons why a child might be upset in class. No one - not us, not the teacher - should be policing who has a good enough reason to get upset.

Parents informing teachers of particular triggers is useful but it's not essential. We can't always predict every upset, and teachers would never get through their inboxes if we informed them of everything. There needs to be a default response of pastoral support, and the benefit of the doubt. That's certainly what we've received.

It was a massive drip feed

Don't be ridiculous. Do you struggle with comprehension?

Not all children who cry in lessons are in distress.Some children will absolutely use it as a tactic to avoid work or to get out of trouble. I'm not saying that the OP's child was, nor condoning the teachers' response. But it is naïve to think that children wouldn't cry on purpose
True, but that doesn't change what a professional response should be.
Teachers (should) know their students and know what is typical or not for their students.

If a student regularly turns on the tears to avoid work then there is still a pastoral need there to explore. For example, are they trying to get out of work because there's a learning need that they don't want to communicate.

If a child regularly cries to get out of trouble then there's a discussion to be had separate to sanctioning incident about their behaviour and the consequences of their behaviour.

Most students don't fall into those camps, at least not in my experience of secondary students. A child with their head on the desk and then visibly upset is almost always because there is something wrong, and professional compassion goes a long way.

You would hope that by Year 7 a child would be able to accurately retell a sequence of events, so I'd be inclined to believe the story from the child in question.

However, it is possible that there's something more to it (e.g., if he'd been told off/been moved seats/handed a detention and then started crying, the teacher may have interpreted the tears as an attempt to manipulate the situation and responded accordingly, presuming they didn't know about the anniversary), but at this point, you're right to believe your son and seek clarification from the adults that were there. I hope you get a satisfactory explanation and that your son is OK.