To be annoyed at this teacher?

[durchsuchenden]

My DS is 12. His dad passed away a few years ago. Today ds came home and he seemed upset and he told me that he was crying In last lesson and the teacher told him to get on with his work instead of crying as he's in year 7 now so he should start acting like it.

Ds told me that he asked to go to the toilet to get a tissue and the teacher refused and told him to stay after the lesson was finished. The teacher told ds that he needs to get on with his work instead of crying and acting like a 2 year old

Aibu to be annoyed and wibu to phone tje school tomorrow?

Just to add, there is no doubt that some teachers are unpleasant.
The OP will know if this is the case in this situation after she has a conversation with the school.

@ChlamydiaSexPond a teacher I once worked with screamed at a child that she had “given her a headache and ruined her day” for some minor transgression.
The little girl was 5.

In our local secondary schools there seems to very much be a you must be a grown up attitude from the teachers middle school was a nice transition but we switched to two tier its a hard transition for some my son has panic attacks at secondary school

That should say ‘there is no doubt that some teachers are just downright unpleasant people’.

The majority are not.

*I'm a teacher. Three things:

1. It's likely your son's teacher had no idea about his father's death. Your son is in Year 7, there's been a huge amount of upheaval this year so we know our new classes less well than we would ordinarily by this point in the term, and internal communication systems aren't always updated regularly. In my school only form tutors get told sensitive information which is passed on to other staff on a strictly need to know basis - I've come a cropper many times with kids due to not having been told that mum and dad just got divorced/grandma died last week, etc. Some schools really aren't great at passing on this information to teaching staff.

1. Your son may well have misconstrued or misrepresented what really happened. He may have unwittingly exaggerated the teacher's words. This wouldn't surprise me at all - I don't have enough fingers to count the amount of times I've had parents email me about things their kids have said when that's not what I said at all, or has been taken wholly out of context.

1. You don't know the context. Maybe the teacher had asked your son repeatedly if he was ok, your son had been non communicative, and he lost his rag, thinking he was just mucking about. Context is everything.

If I were you, I'd email the teacher concerned, let them know why your son was crying, mention that he was a bit upset at how it had been handled in the classroom, and just give him a heads up for the future that he does still regularly have wobbles so tears might happen. You could also advise on how to handle it - if your son doesn't like attention drawn to himself, for example, then the teacher will know not to mention anything in front of the class and speak to him afterwards, or know to let him leave discretely with a trusted friend to calm down outside, etc. Rather than going in all guns blazing, seeking to point fingers, sending in an email that seeks to inform and give solutions to avoid it happening again would be far more useful. I know it's so upsetting when your child comes home from school with a story like this, but I would advise giving the teacher the benefit of the doubt. I would also strongly recommend dealing with the teacher concerned directly - there's nothing more annoying than a parent who goes straight to the Head, causing all sorts of stress, when a chat with the teacher themselves would have cleared the situation up quickly and amicably. Teachers are adult professionals - please treat them as such. I would only ever advise emailing the Head if you hadn't had a response from the teacher or if the response was not satisfactory*

@msbehavin so essentially either it's not the teacher's fault because somebody else didn't do their job or the child is lying. Isn't there a fourth possibility that the teacher was simply cruel?

The OP should minimise the child's grief - "a bit upset" - and "inform" the teacher. There is a midway point between informing the teacher and all guns blazing. Why can't the OP express dissatisfaction with the way the teacher dealt with this?

Why shouldn't the OP inform the head? If the teacher was just being cruel, what's stopping her ignoring the email? It seems it would only benefit a bad teacher if the head was informed. If the child had taken it out of context and the teacher explained this to the head, then there's no issue. It may be annoying for teachers but in any line of work, complaints are escalated to the next level and investigated.

@Doggitydog

God, all these people clambering to defend the teacher by trampling all over ops DS. Honestly, I’d rather say nothing on a thread than infer that a bereaved child is lying for whatever reason.

Agree 100%

This is why men's mental health is so completely up the shitter. It is a situation we create ourselves, and it is depressing to see so many women willing to contribute so cruelly to the problem.

The kid's lost his dad for fuck's sake.

Some of these comments are like the reading the comments in the Daily Mail, OP so sorry about what happened to your son. Hope he is doing better today.

@daisyoranges

“I think your little darling might be telling fibs” direct quote whenthesunshines

That sounds like you are quoting me which is wrong. I didn’t say that. I missed that post. I’ll look back.

@HeartsAndClubs

How does a child crying mean they are not moving forwards? Honestly, some people are very afraid of human emotions. a child randomly crying at any point years down the line is most definitely an indication of that child struggling to come to terms with the loss. It has nothing to do with not being in touch with human emotion. Nobody has said the child shouldn’t grieve for the parent, but unfortunately that child does also have to move forward in the society he is a part of.

Crying in class because it was his birthday is perfectly understandable. But would you really say that randomly crying as and when the mood took shouldn’t be addressed? Even if shouting was unacceptable, (assuming that’s what actually happened) there does need to come a point where the situation needs addressing for all concerned.

As much as people consider it not healthy to keep emotions in check at all times, it is equally not healthy to be so consumed with it all that everything else has to give. There has to be a point where that is addressed in order for that person to carry on with their life. Because life does go on, sadly.

What a load of tosh

My niece and nephew who lost their mother at 4 and 6 and their father at 16 an 18 still now ( in their mid and late 20s);find certain anniversaries upsetting and occasionally randomly cry because of them. Well my niece does, my nephew on the other hand never does. Would you like to guess which one of them is doing better, is happier and has a more successful life?

They have both had a lot of therapy by the way, because obviously a few sessions of therapy will fix everything and make sure that the person lives an emotionally clean and tidy life where all trauma is " dealt with" and you move on with no effects

madmara
I agree.

I did inform DS's head of year. DS doesn't normally mess around in lessons so I don't think he was yesterday. I will call the school today.

Some teachers ARE arseholes. I say this as a fellow teacher.
OP you should definitely talk to the school.

Yeah, to echo PP, we are told about current circumstances, but if it was a couple of years ago and the member of staff wasnt there at the time, it's possible they don't know. The normal discussions that happen haven't been because of everything.

Having said that's there's no excuse to tell a child to stop crying.

My guess would be that ds was arsing about and then put his head on the desk and cried and the teacher said stop crying and get on with it or words to that effect. Not a tactic I would use, ever but there are still some dinosaurs about.

@RootyT00t

Yeah, to echo PP, we are told about current circumstances, but if it was a couple of years ago and the member of staff wasnt there at the time, it's possible they don't know. The normal discussions that happen haven't been because of everything.

Having said that's there's no excuse to tell a child to stop crying.

My guess would be that ds was arsing about and then put his head on the desk and cried and the teacher said stop crying and get on with it or words to that effect. Not a tactic I would use, ever but there are still some dinosaurs about.

So he was arsing about, and when challenged, he pretended to start crying and invoked the fact that it was his dead dad's birthday as a an excuse?

Are you for fucking real?

thedancingbear

And are you saying that the teacher just randomly walked up to a crying child and told them to STFU?

Hopefully the OP will have a proper conversation with the school/ teacher and get to the bottom of this.

This in spades

Why do some teachers assume that young people are always lying and all teachers are always correct.

No point talking to a teacher who behaves like this,go straight to the HT,thats what they are paid for

@Whenthesunshines

thedancingbear

And are you saying that the teacher just randomly walked up to a crying child and told them to STFU?

Hopefully the OP will have a proper conversation with the school/ teacher and get to the bottom of this.

Based on the only account we have, then yes.

Or are bereaved male children not to be trusted or believed?

MASSIVE drip feed not to say why he was crying. Did he tell the teacher why he was upset?

It doesn’t matter loveisland and it wasn’t a drip feed at all.

It’s just as unlikely that an ordinarily well behaved child would suddenly start misbehaving and construct an elaborate story really isn’t it?

Based on the only account we have, then yes.

I’m sure that the OP will have the sense to talk to the teacher concerned today and then she’ll know.

@madmara

*I'm a teacher. Three things:

1. It's likely your son's teacher had no idea about his father's death. Your son is in Year 7, there's been a huge amount of upheaval this year so we know our new classes less well than we would ordinarily by this point in the term, and internal communication systems aren't always updated regularly. In my school only form tutors get told sensitive information which is passed on to other staff on a strictly need to know basis - I've come a cropper many times with kids due to not having been told that mum and dad just got divorced/grandma died last week, etc. Some schools really aren't great at passing on this information to teaching staff.

1. Your son may well have misconstrued or misrepresented what really happened. He may have unwittingly exaggerated the teacher's words. This wouldn't surprise me at all - I don't have enough fingers to count the amount of times I've had parents email me about things their kids have said when that's not what I said at all, or has been taken wholly out of context.

1. You don't know the context. Maybe the teacher had asked your son repeatedly if he was ok, your son had been non communicative, and he lost his rag, thinking he was just mucking about. Context is everything.

If I were you, I'd email the teacher concerned, let them know why your son was crying, mention that he was a bit upset at how it had been handled in the classroom, and just give him a heads up for the future that he does still regularly have wobbles so tears might happen. You could also advise on how to handle it - if your son doesn't like attention drawn to himself, for example, then the teacher will know not to mention anything in front of the class and speak to him afterwards, or know to let him leave discretely with a trusted friend to calm down outside, etc. Rather than going in all guns blazing, seeking to point fingers, sending in an email that seeks to inform and give solutions to avoid it happening again would be far more useful. I know it's so upsetting when your child comes home from school with a story like this, but I would advise giving the teacher the benefit of the doubt. I would also strongly recommend dealing with the teacher concerned directly - there's nothing more annoying than a parent who goes straight to the Head, causing all sorts of stress, when a chat with the teacher themselves would have cleared the situation up quickly and amicably. Teachers are adult professionals - please treat them as such. I would only ever advise emailing the Head if you hadn't had a response from the teacher or if the response was not satisfactory*

@msbehavin so essentially either it's not the teacher's fault because somebody else didn't do their job or the child is lying. Isn't there a fourth possibility that the teacher was simply cruel?

The OP should minimise the child's grief - "a bit upset" - and "inform" the teacher. There is a midway point between informing the teacher and all guns blazing. Why can't the OP express dissatisfaction with the way the teacher dealt with this?

Why shouldn't the OP inform the head? If the teacher was just being cruel, what's stopping her ignoring the email? It seems it would only benefit a bad teacher if the head was informed. If the child had taken it out of context and the teacher explained this to the head, then there's no issue. It may be annoying for teachers but in any line of work, complaints are escalated to the next level and investigated.

@madmara yes of course there’s a possibility that the teacher was simply cruel. But I’d say this was highly unlikely. Yes some teachers are arseholes and dinosaurs but a teacher knowingly being cruel to a child whose dad has died and who is crying on his birthday? I just don’t see that happening at all. There are two sides to every story and I think the teacher deserves the benefit of the doubt and to be given the opportunity to explain before it’s escalated.

This attitude of teachers are automatically horrible, all children should automatically be believed, and bypassing the teacher and going straight to the head when there is an issue is why so many teachers get fed up and leave. The vast majority of teachers are teachers because we love kids and we want the best for them. Sometimes we do make mistakes and sometimes we do have off days though. Just like parents do. We’re not perfect. So I’m not saying the teacher didn’t do anything wrong. What I’m saying is, from a teacher’s perspective, it would be nice sometimes if parents took a deep breath, didn’t assume the worst of their child’s teacher, and treated the teacher like a fellow adult professional and spoke to them as such to resolve the situation before reporting them immediately to their manager. If the response wasn’t satisfactory from the teacher, of course escalate it. But why bypass them entirely and not give them a chance to explain? Would you like to be treated like that at work?

It’s just as unlikely that an ordinarily well behaved child would suddenly start misbehaving and construct an elaborate story really isn’t it?

Did the OP say that her son was ordinarily well behaved? I’ll have to look back.

@NeedaLittleNap

YANBU. My son was told off in Y6 with "girls make that noise, boys don't". It's utter crap and desperately unhelpful. Thankfully things have been so much better at secondary.

Secondary teachers won't necessarily remember every circumstance but if a child is crying in class it needs to be treated as a pastoral issue, not a disciplinary one.

^^ Completely agree with this. Why can't some compassion be showed, irrespective of the reason for the crying? A child I know with social anxiety used to get totally overwhelmed in the school environment and sometimes that would manifest by crying/ generally being quite upset and emotional. In the end he had to leave school (and was homeschooled from year 8) because of the fear of how teachers would respond when this happened, reinforced by previous negative responses.

We need to lose the boys don't cry approach. It saddens me that it's still so prevalent, even on this thread.