To send my 12 month old to nursery 3 days a week when I’m a SAHM?

[merrynelly]

We are in a very fortunate position financially that I don’t have to work and we can afford nursery fees. I have found being with my beautiful baby all day every day extremely tough. I’m permanently exhausted, lacking sleep and therefore feel I am not doing my best with him.

He is not 12 months yet but I am planning ahead. I would’ve liked him to go to nursery one day a week but the nursery I like does a minimum of 3 days and I read that one day a week is too little time for the child to truly settle in.

I feel awful that in my privileged position I am contemplating sending him to nursery, when I know really he will want to be with me. But I’m just not SAHM material. I fear I will just end up sitting him in front of the TV. In my time off aside from catching up on sleep and chores, I hope to at some point later do a qualification as I do want to get back into the workplace, but that will probably be a few years down the line.

I just wondered if what I am considering is unreasonable, unheard of, terrible parenting and I’m open to all opinions.

Just to answer a few questions..

The comments regarding baby classes, whilst I do think these will be helpful, what they won't give me is the break that I need. I am with my son pretty much 24/7 and could do with a day for myself.

Regarding my husband, he runs his own business often 6-7 days a week. He starts early and finishes late. It is unlikely this will change. His involvement with the baby due to work is very minimal.

Regarding meeting Mum friends.. I don't have any NCT wasn't on due to the pandemic and the small circle of family and friends I do have are in different stages of their lives. And understandably are working in the day and can't just meet up.

A couple of people have referenced a lack of confidence and this is true. It's a combination of being too tired/exhausted and also not entirely sure what to do with my baby to stimulate him. I'm not a spontaneous get up and go type.. I'm a homebody and not entirely sure what I should be doing with my baby and even if I did know, I'd probably be too tired. Perhaps baby classes will be a great help but even then my fear is, what if he's asleep when the class is due, what if he cries his eyes out and won't settle and people are staring at me not being able to settle him, what if he's due a feed? As you can tell I am very conscious about others seeing me and criticising my parenting as I'm not very confident!

Thank you for all the replies, even those who aren't in agreement but have put their opinion across in a constructive way.

it must be exhausting 24/7. You are doing a great job, please do not think people are/would be judging you. I think most are also just trying to get through the day with children that age. Think of all the things you DC can do now that they could not before.
I know I need a few hours to myself after DH is finished at work. Is there any chance he can do some of it a feed and put to bed ( 24/7 I think would be too much for me to function at my best/adequate).

Ah OP honestly baby groups are full of parents thinking exactly the same things as you, I promise. And then once they get to toddler age the parents are thinking "please don't assault another child, please don't have a tantrum, please listen to me and don't show me up" 😂

I think it would do you the world of good to have the chance to chat to other adults. I can imagine that having a baby in the middle of a pandemic has been so isolating, especially with a husband that works all the time. So once baby groups start again then give them a go, they are a great way to meet other parents and just have a bit of adult conversation. And if you do decide to send your ds to nursery then maybe use the time for a hobby or volunteering or something. I love going to gym classes, you get to know people quite quickly and it's actually pretty fun.

I'm not saying "keep busy because it's lazy to use that time to relax", you are perfectly within your rights to relax if you want. But, thinking back to when my own dc's were babies, I really think it would do you and your confidence the world of good to have a bit of time for yourself where you can have adult conversation

My situation was the same and I found it harder with the first baby due to confidence than the second. I found getting out to activities was vital, creating some structure, but I only figured that out when I had dc2. So glad not to have a little one in this current covid situation.

I rushed back to work because I felt a bit of a failure and to justify having the dc in nursery! I wish I'd been kinder to myself. I don't think you should feel an iota of guilt.

I'd perhaps start with 2 days because it's easier to add days in my experience.

I do know several women that have babies in nursery/school at times they don't work for a break - yes they're lucky and they're happy to have that time.

I would really recommend looking at what your local children's centre offers - ours do a lot of drop in stay and plays (starting up again in a few weeks) where an early years professional chats to everyone and helps out with the babies. They also do classes and other free sessions. It's really nice (I think) to do drop in stuff when your baby is young and naps are unpredictable rather than expensive 30 minute classes when you feel bad if you skip them because the baby is napping or whatever.

I would worry in your position that your DH will see this as a way to throw money at the "problem" rather than give up any of his time to support you and be with his child, as I am assuming that you'd rather have that than lots of paid childcare.

I also think you should see your GP to check that all is well - you sound very down and very tired. Of course some of that is normal if your baby doesn't sleep well but I think it's worth checking PND and other likely problems (thyroid, iron deficiency etc.)

I think because of Covid it's understandable you feel wiped out, lonely and bored, being a parent to a young baby must be extremely hard right now. But you don't seem to have any plan for the days when your child is in nursery, so it doesn't seem like a long term solution. Won't you find it lonely and not very motivating to just be home with no goals or objectives for the day given we're so limited on what we can do with Covid for a while yet. I guess it depends on your social circle, but very few of my friends are available to meet during the week, and those that are have their kids in tow!

Can you do a few half days instead at nursery so you get a break, but your son isn't spending loads of time in care? At that age they only get so much out of it, different with an older toddler.

Not to sound unsympathetic, but most parents of young babies have very little time to themselves. Baby group and activities will be starting up again soon so you can start to make more parenting connections and have more varied, quality time with your son as he grows up and becomes more interactive, play games. I wasn't a fan of the baby stage, but it does get more interesting and fun as they get older.

I was in a similar position and I put my DC in nursery for two or three half days from 6 months. It just become part of our routine. I did loads of mother’s and toddler group things too but felt I was a better mother for having a little break. Some of my friends who has a lot less money couldn’t get their heads around it but I okayed it down. There were lots of other mums at the nursery who had a similar set up to me.
I also joined a really good health club/gym and used the crèche a lot too.
168 hours a week is a lot with a baby and a toddler, I didn’t over think the 12/15 hours break
I got.

Played it down that should say.

I know lots have suggested baby/toddler groups when these start again but they really are very different now because of the restrictions. A friend with baby went to one during autumn term - everyone had their own mat distanced from everyone else, children weren't allowed to approach other mats, play with toys allocated to others etc. She was really frustrated with it as there wasn't any opportunity to interact with others.

I'm not even sure if most of the local ones here will restart as they were mainly staffed by elderly volunteers.

Gym with a crèche is another good shout. It's quite normal to feel a bit down if you've been at home with a baby for the last 12 months with little support - it would get a lot of us down.

There's something that helps you cope with knowing you've got a scheduled break coming up. And the opposite, no chance of a break in sight is draining.

I would definitely do this if I could, my son started off one day a week in nursery and never settled so we now do two which works well (I do work though). If you can afford it I think it will be good for your and your baby. I am also not SAHM material!

Absolutely - good for you and good for them.

Sometimes throwing money at things is the best, easiest solution - I'd rather have had a relative or friend that would have my dc for a few hours every week but there was no option there.

Expecting mums to just cope on their own especially in the pandemic is part of what's wrong with our society.

Although I work full time and my daughter goes to nursery 5 days a week.. I would absolutely send her for a couple of days if I was a SAHM.. It's exhausting doing it all and once they reach an age where constant stimulation is needed it's even more exhausting. I find weekends exhausting. If its within your means and your DH is on board I would absolutely send him and wouldn't feel guilty. Perhaps as a compromise maybe every other day with you so for example.
Monday - with you
Tuesday - Nursery
Wednesday - with you
Thursday - Nursery
Friday on rotation - either with you or at Nursery depending on how your week has been.
I think it breaks up your week nicely and offers your son social interaction and the chance to mix with other kids.
My daughter absolutely adores her nursery she can't get in quick enough 😊

Ultimately baby doesn't know if you're at work or sunbathing naked in the garden drinking champagne, and we allow mothers to return to work these days. So it's not going to damage him going.

O wouldn't push a long day on him, I'd see what the shortest day they do is. He's 1, he's not going to be upset he can't sit and paint with Jessica until her Mommy comes.

But if you're not working, not training, not planning on doing anything but relax and sleep for 3 days I do wonder if it will affect your confidence. You're already conscious of other people's perceptions and now you'll be at home, convincing yourself he's better off not with you on principle that you're not good enough. That's not true, you are.

So yes take the break, take the rest of needed but I wouldn't do it and sit in front of the telly eating ice cream for the next 4 years because he's "better off" away from you

For me it’s a no. And I’ve worked in Early Years. 12 months is too young IMO to be in a nursery for anything other than the necessity of you going to work. 18mths + for a couple of mornings would be far more beneficial to your child. As much as yes, the children do engage in experiences they wouldn’t get at home, they are also not going to be getting their personal needs met in the same way as at home, which I feel is more important for a young child.
Both of my children started nursery shortly after their 2nd birthdays for 2 mornings a week and we upped their hours to 3 school days at 3 years old. I appreciate not everyone is in the position to do this but you are.
I also agree with other posters who say this is a little unfair on your partner who will be funding masses of free time for you.
Sorry but it all doesn’t sit right with me

I thought the point of being a SAHM was so the kids are home? I had mine (22 months apart) until eldest was 3 and got her 15 hours at nursery.

OP, I'm really sorry to read your update. You do know, don't you, that people who are "good" at being SAHMs don't have magical powers? I spent lots of time just pottering with my children when they were little. Slow walking, poking in puddles, etc, etc. I used to like playgroup (I know this isn't possible at the moment) because there would always be someone else there who was having a bad day and whose child was being appalling. This is very consoling when an hour feels like three years.

I also think the first year is pretty boring. I am not someone who loves cuddling babies. I'm indifferent to babies generally, though obviously loved my own. However, once they could walk and talk, it was a very different story. They are absolutely brilliant at that stage, and it's a bit of a shame to miss that bit, having done all the drudge beforehand.

It's also much easier having more than one child, in my experience, odd as it might sound. I used to find mine far more demanding individually than collectively.

Go for it! My son goes 3 half days a week and I’m a SAHM.

@RevolvingPivot

I thought the point of being a SAHM was so the kids are home? I had mine (22 months apart) until eldest was 3 and got her 15 hours at nursery.

People live their lives in different ways. There isn't a rule book. You do what's right for you and your family and the OP should do the same.

Why’s it any different than a parent putting their DC in nursery while they are at work?

The stay at home parents I know tend to have a lot of family support and have people around them who will have the children for a day or overnight. It's hard to understand how difficult it is when you don't have that support around you.

As I said upthread, if I was a SAHM and had the money I'd do this if I needed. I'm counting down the days until September when my youngest goes to school and I'll have two days to myself!

@hardboiledeggs

It's not only good for you for your baby to be at nursery but it is also good for the babies development, especially at a time where soft plays etc are closed. I would go for it in your position.

Baby's get all there developmental needs met by their parents at that age. Assuming all is ok at home.

I'm a sahm and will be sending my three year old in 2 days a week because now is the time it'll be beneficial for him.

@minniemoocher

I wouldn't yet - I would find a proper nursery school rather than day nursery as they are better prep for school. Day nursery under 3 is set up for working parents (essential) but isn't that beneficial to the child until they are at least 2

Agree. 2 if home life isn't great. 3 is better, generally

I work in a nursery and tbh children under 2 do not really enjoy or gain much from nursery at this age.
Many get over tired and tearful come afternoon as it's to long a day for them.
If you are going to send him I'd recommend 3 mornings instead not 3 whole days.