To send my 12 month old to nursery 3 days a week when I’m a SAHM?

[merrynelly]

We are in a very fortunate position financially that I don’t have to work and we can afford nursery fees. I have found being with my beautiful baby all day every day extremely tough. I’m permanently exhausted, lacking sleep and therefore feel I am not doing my best with him.

He is not 12 months yet but I am planning ahead. I would’ve liked him to go to nursery one day a week but the nursery I like does a minimum of 3 days and I read that one day a week is too little time for the child to truly settle in.

I feel awful that in my privileged position I am contemplating sending him to nursery, when I know really he will want to be with me. But I’m just not SAHM material. I fear I will just end up sitting him in front of the TV. In my time off aside from catching up on sleep and chores, I hope to at some point later do a qualification as I do want to get back into the workplace, but that will probably be a few years down the line.

I just wondered if what I am considering is unreasonable, unheard of, terrible parenting and I’m open to all opinions.

The general concept of having 1/2 days respite and time to do chores to give DC your best self the other days is very sensible. You already commented 3 days is more than you wanted. But you don't have to use it every week.

I think i'd also consider the labels you are using. Only because they are making you be hard on yourself and have certain expectations. Are you really a SAHP? Or have you reached the transition point around 12 months where many of us go back to work. So have effectively you have been on 'maternity leave'. And you are now working out what you want your life to look like next and haven't actually made the SAHP decision yet? It sounds more like this if you are wanting to study? I see a SAHP as someone who is making a long term commitment to be fully child focussed for a period of several years:

Nursery is great for the kids and take a load of pressure off.

Try it for a few months and see how you feel. Things can always be changed.

You haven't said how old your baby is at the moment op, just that you don't get much sleep.
Do you think you may have post natal depression? Also with lockdown there are no baby groups etc so this might be affecting it! If things open you may change your mind.
I wouldn't be putting my baby in nursery for 3 full days at the age of 1 if I didnt have to. All this talk about babies development is a load of rubbish at this age. It's not shown to be anymore beneficial for them to be at nursery than at home. I work part time so she doesn't have to go to nursery, she'll go when she's 3, even then it will only be 2.5 days (school days).

A few posters have disputed whether nursery has any benefits for a baby (as opposed to toddler+ age). I would say this seems to depend on the child.

I had to go back to work FT and early so both mine went to nursery as babies. Luckily they were both very adventurous characters who liked and seemed to need a lot of stimulation, even from a very young age. They would get bored and whinge if we stayed in the same room for more than half an hour. I spent a lot of time on ML tramping the streets and visiting friends just so they could get the change of scene/stimulation they craved. (Thank God there was no pandemic going on at the time!) Nursery was an absolute godsend and they both thrived in it. Sometimes they asked to go at the weekend if I wasn't laying on enough entertainment at home. One time I had to drive there with my eldest to show him the door was locked and no one was there!

A clingy child who loves being with mum more than anything else might do better at home. We are all different and you know what is best for you and your family.

@honeylulu

A few posters have disputed whether nursery has any benefits for a baby (as opposed to toddler+ age). I would say this seems to depend on the child.

I had to go back to work FT and early so both mine went to nursery as babies. Luckily they were both very adventurous characters who liked and seemed to need a lot of stimulation, even from a very young age. They would get bored and whinge if we stayed in the same room for more than half an hour. I spent a lot of time on ML tramping the streets and visiting friends just so they could get the change of scene/stimulation they craved. (Thank God there was no pandemic going on at the time!) Nursery was an absolute godsend and they both thrived in it. Sometimes they asked to go at the weekend if I wasn't laying on enough entertainment at home. One time I had to drive there with my eldest to show him the door was locked and no one was there!

A clingy child who loves being with mum more than anything else might do better at home. We are all different and you know what is best for you and your family.

1000% this - I have a child who by 10am wants to know “what we doing tomorrow”- she’s always been non stop from 6am. Even with the most creative head on I run out of things to do in a day sometimes (irrespective of places being shut). A

I would go for it but probably for 2 days, not 3. For those saying wait until groups open up, when do you see playgroups opening? Most baby groups around here have huge waiting lists. Nothing is opening for months.

Yeah I can't speak for everywhere of course but I got sick of waiting around for groups to open with no date in sight. How long are we supposed to wait?

The children's centres and activities around here seem to be planning reopening in April/May

@Excited101

I wouldn’t, sorry but no. Things will open up and weather will get better. Do you feel confident with dc? Perhaps some more time together as they become more able will help? Some time at groups, time with mum friends might help you find your own routine together.

I know it's well intentioned but I always find it quite depressing how flippantly people say "spend time with mum friends". Not everybody has or finds it easy to make mum friends.

True and some places won't have had much for mums and toddlers or babies anyway. It's all well and good saying it takes a village when you can't even access the village. OP you know your situation and what being a SAHM will be like for you.

[quote TheBigBazookasOfBrendaBurgess]@partyatthepalace Yes, absolutely. I gave up a very good career with a good salary and pension to become a SAHM.

I now wish I could go back to the same career and the same pay, but things have moved on 20 years in the meantime. I hate having no money now.

However: if I could go back and do it all again, I don't think I'd do anything differently. I partly think (and I realise this probably sounds ridiculous) that everything I put into the children when they were pre-school ages is now being repaid in that the world is their oyster, but they have that completely rock-solid foundation of knowing that they were the absolute be-all and end-all for years and years. Not in a 'spoiling' sort of way (I'm pretty strict, and have never gone in for material stuff) - but I can still tell now if something's amiss with one of them by the way they are breathing. It's slightly different from 'normal' breathing. This comes from being with them every single minute for many, many years.

Moreover, if someone said I could swap lives with anyone, I would swap lives with myself when the DC were little. It was by several light years the nicest phase of my life.

So, however difficult things are now, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I also realise this isn't everyone's cup of tea, though.[/quote]
Not necessarily. My mum went back to work full time, I was left with grandparents, and she not only can do what you can she is also a mind reader
Quality fo time spent not quantity ...

I'd be concerned about the long term impact on your relationship. Take a very good look at your partner- is he/she truly absolutely, totally fine with paying you for to sit at home and essentially do nothing three days a week? If so, you're fine, but lots of working partners do end up resenting this sort of relationship and things can go downhill pretty fast.

I did put my dd in nursery when on ML 2 days a week because I had nobody at all as back up, could afford it, and dh worked long hours and travelled. It was sanity saving.

I know several woman who've done the same.

I don't think the last year has been very ordinary either, no play groups, nothing to do, no wonder it feels oppressive.

In general, if you need space to care better, that's always a good idea. No prizes given out for martyrdom.

I was a better parent the other days for having a predictable break.

I personally wouldn't but it's up to you and what is right for your own family.

My SIL is not SAHM material too. She really struggled doing baby stuff 24/7. So they started sending my nephew (when he was around 9 months old) to a child minder 4 hours a day, 5 days a week. They all thrived! She was able to relax, happy baby and a very happy brother. Do it if you can afford it.
I would suggest talking to local childminders if you like the "home from home" setting.

YANBU to put him in nursery but it is relevant what you intend to do in that time. If I was the breadwinner and my SAHP partner told me they wanted to sleep all day for 3 days while the child was in nursery I’d tell them they’re taking the piss.

@lanika

I bet so many people would love to have kids but have the freedom of not being a full time mum and not having to work full time. Not many people get this chance, just enjoy it. Very easy balanced life most people are probably jealous

This!

Lots of comments about "well I think you should retrain/work if you are going to send him. Why? Why shouldn't OP have 6 months - a year (as long as she wants tbh) to enjoy some child free time? Why does she HAVE to be training or working while her DC is in nursery? It's not the law. It's just a luxury that lots of people would love but most can't afford.

I get that it can be risky to be out of work for a long period of time but that's more of an issue when a mum has a few children with a couple of years gap in between and stays out of work until the youngest is at school or even later. But OP isn't saying that she wants to do this. It makes no difference to her job prospects whether her dc is at nursery or at home 24/7, the thing that makes the difference is time. It would be no different career wise if she doesn't send him to nursery until she goes back to work, which everyone would be fine with I'd guess.

It wouldn't be my choice at all but then how boring if we all felt the same.

If you are not built to be a SAHP and have the choice not to be, don't be. No one is going to give you any badges on your deathbed for being the busiest person, just live your life how you want that makes you happy and certainly don't feel you need to justify to anyone, it's not their life.

If your DH enjoys his work and is happy working and happy with your choices, go for it. My DH doesn't give 2 hoots how I spend my morning that our DS is in pre school and isn't resentful in the slightest, he just wants us to be happy.

It's not only good for you for your baby to be at nursery but it is also good for the babies development, especially at a time where soft plays etc are closed. I would go for it in your position.

@hardboiledeggs

It's not only good for you for your baby to be at nursery but it is also good for the babies development, especially at a time where soft plays etc are closed. I would go for it in your position.

This is a fallacy. Babies do not need nursery for their development, much as people like to tell themselves that it's a good thing for the under twos. This is why free childcare for those from disadvantaged backgrounds does not begin at one.

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/oct/02/nurseries-childcare-pre-school-cortisol

Some of the nurseries described above don't sound like they're running legally - the ratio for under-2s is 1:3, and certainly the one we used had 1:2 in the baby room (which was until they could walk confidently - DD was there to 15mo). They had a max of eight babies in, so 4 members of staff present at all times. She got far more attention there than she would have done at home with me whilst I was dealing with chores etc or at a childminder. Bearing in mind the nursery staff also have someone else preparing the meals and cleaning, so the staff attention is fully on the kids, the staff have breaks etc so have far more patience/energy etc than I'd have had with DD at home all the time. And the point of nursery keyworkers is attachment - we didn't have any family support and I loved that DD had other reliable adults in her life that she trusted because she went to nursery.
She was certainly enjoying being with other babies at that age, and her enjoyment and ability to play with the others grew all the time. She definitely got loads of benefits from that well before age 3.

Personally, I wouldn't but it depends how desperate you are. Everything will be opening up again soon and you might find the whole thing far more enjoyable. The overwhelming consensus among child psychologists is that 0-3 children are better off at home or with a nanny / child minder; once they reach 3 they benefit from more social interaction. If you feel that you need to do it then do it but don't kid yourself that it's better for the baby. I would also try to find somewhere that does half days too.

I wouldn't yet - I would find a proper nursery school rather than day nursery as they are better prep for school. Day nursery under 3 is set up for working parents (essential) but isn't that beneficial to the child until they are at least 2

Does it have to be 3 full days? Can it be 3 sessions? Are there really no other nurseries you like? I know stuff is a bit crap now as everything is shut, but things will open and there are so many places you can take your baby to stimulate them, and not necessarily mummy and baby groups which I personally loathed.
I do get what you mean by not being cut out to be a SAHM. I'm not, yet my sons are nearly 7 and I still am due to one of them being disabled. If I could have afforded to send them to nursery, I would have done. I took them out as much as I could for my own sanity - parks, aquarium, to the pub for lunch during nap time. But I had PND as well and was desperate for a break, so if you think it would help you mentally as well, then do it.

I am also in the fortunate position that DH wants me to do what makes me happy ( and we can afford it). I think I would maybe look for afternoons or mornings so it is not such a long day and for a routine. Also do you know when you could more easily meet with friends ( which days and mornings/afternoons). It worries me that you sound like you could be lacking a bit of confidence and could benefit from adult company.

Do you get anytime to yourself? Can your DH take him for a few set hours every evening so you can recharge?