To send my 12 month old to nursery 3 days a week when I’m a SAHM?

[merrynelly]

We are in a very fortunate position financially that I don’t have to work and we can afford nursery fees. I have found being with my beautiful baby all day every day extremely tough. I’m permanently exhausted, lacking sleep and therefore feel I am not doing my best with him.

He is not 12 months yet but I am planning ahead. I would’ve liked him to go to nursery one day a week but the nursery I like does a minimum of 3 days and I read that one day a week is too little time for the child to truly settle in.

I feel awful that in my privileged position I am contemplating sending him to nursery, when I know really he will want to be with me. But I’m just not SAHM material. I fear I will just end up sitting him in front of the TV. In my time off aside from catching up on sleep and chores, I hope to at some point later do a qualification as I do want to get back into the workplace, but that will probably be a few years down the line.

I just wondered if what I am considering is unreasonable, unheard of, terrible parenting and I’m open to all opinions.

I wouldn't at 12 months.. perhaps at 2 years or thereabouts.
You may find it a lot easier when you can get out and about more in a few weeks when restrictions lift.

@Orpheline

I wouldn't dream of this. No more babies for you...please.

How offensive.

I wouldn’t, sorry but no. Things will open up and weather will get better. Do you feel confident with dc? Perhaps some more time together as they become more able will help? Some time at groups, time with mum friends might help you find your own routine together.

People dont know how they will feel till they have a baby? Not everyone loves it, they love their child but not want to be with them all the time. Better for both parent and child is nursery is a choice as the days the parent is with the child will be more enjoyable, better than a depressed mum/dad ?

It doesn't sit quite right with me . That's just my view and you did ask.

DD goes to nursery 3 days and I'm a sahm. She started attending at age 2 (as soon as nurseries opened after first lockdown). I'd originally planned for her to start attending at 2.5 years, but I started a little earlier as there were no other activities available for toddlers at that time. She does a shorter day (9-4) rather than the full childcare day available (8-6) although I'm paying the same! But I would miss her if we didn't have breakfast/dinner time at home. She has thrived there, especially through the latest lockdown, when no toddler activities have been open at all.

I don't think there's anything wrong with sending a baby at 12 months, but I think they don't get as much out of it, as when I took DD to toddler groups at that age she didn't interact much with other dc. Personally I didn't feel the need to send my DD at that age, as there were lots of toddler activities available and we had something planned every day, which I genuinely enjoyed. During lockdown I can imagine it's much more stressful to entertain a baby on your own.

I don't work or have plans to work. To be honest I've found it easy to fill the time catching up on my to-do list, house refurbishment, appointments, fitness and to be honest just relaxing. Financially it's fine as I have a passive income.

I think it's a bit lazy. Having one child really isn't that tough

I do this. It’s fantastic and makes the days we’re together so much better. You’re still with bubs a lot more than you’re not. I think it’s good for everyone, my daughter LOVES her nursery time.
I haven’t had more than 5 hours of broken sleep for two years, and have no family support at all. I LOVE nursery.

I bet so many people would love to have kids but have the freedom of not being a full time mum and not having to work full time. Not many people get this chance, just enjoy it. Very easy balanced life most people are probably jealous

I did. I had a lovely NCT group, but at 12 months they nearly all returned to some form of employment, be it FT or PT. We attended loads of baby groups, but my son was already showing signs of being very social, so I decided to send him 2 days a week to nursery.

I chose odd days (eg a Tues and Thurs) based on a) what baby groups I’d be taking him too and also b) what days my NCT friends had off, and it worked really well. I dropped him in time for breakfast, and picked up as soon as he had had his afternoon meal. Both of us were happy and, 8 years on, son is now in a school class with many of his nursery companions.

Do it.
Nurseries have all the gaudy toys, paint and playdough stuff that I never wanted in my house.

Go for it. YABU if you plan on nursery for totally full days 8-6. It’s too long IMO.
But if money’s not an issue, just pay for the full days & ask what the nursery what the key minimum hours would be fit their routine Eg 9-3 & send for those. Back in good time for a play/cuddles/tea/bath etc. But gives you a break.

Hmmm. I suppose it's fair enough but will your DH also get 24 hours a week when he isn't either working or performing childcare? I think it would be very difficult to justify asking him to be a totally equal part of the evenings and weekends if you're having 3 days to relax, read and knit (and at a massive financial cost, too). I can't really explain it and it has no
impact on your situation but I just don't really get it?

I work full time but I sent my DD to nursery 5 days a week at 10.5 months, being a ‘lockdown baby’ she’s not had much socialisation, haven’t been to groups ect. She’s come on miles since being at nursery; she’s happier, more ‘chatty’, had learnt lots of things, just generally getting on and developing really well.

I’d go for it; mums need a break and it’s beneficial for your DC too.

As a rule, children that age receive far more developmental benefit by being with their parents (assuming all is well at home etc)

But there are exceptions, and only you can know if your situation tips that balance and means your DS is better off in nursery. If your mental health is suffering and some time alone would help, than it's arguable that the overall benefit to your son of having a more mentally well mother outweighs the downside of time away in nursery.

If I was you I would find a different nursery, or other form of childcare (such as a babysitter taking him to the park a few times a week) that would give you downtime, without him being away all day for the majority of the week.

I personally wouldn't make the choice you are contemplating, without some other factor (health, financial etc) making it better for the family overall.

If you simply dislike being a SAHM then you need to address that. Why? What are you missing? What need of yours isn't being met? Is SAHM not for you? I think you'd do better to look at why you're unhappy, or how to gain more meaning/value from your time with your baby, rather than hand balling him over to nursery without looking at the cause.

@habibihabibi

Do it. Nurseries have all the gaudy toys, paint and playdough stuff that I never wanted in my house.

One year olds don't need that stuff. I don't have a problem with nurseries, but I wouldn't send my 1 year old just so that they can play with playdoh. Babies learn more from being at home, gaudy toys or not.

I had 3 children in a short time (3 under 4) so was off most of that time on maternity leave.

I found it really hard. I didn't put them into nursery as we wouldn't have been able to afford it.

OP - you have money and the luxury of choice, embrace it rather than worrying about justifying it.

Why don't you just try it out - try nursery for 2 months. If it's working well, or your baby hates it - you have your answer.

Many children go to nursery full time. We are meant to have support to raise children - family, friends, neighbours. Not of this is happening at the moment.

Good luck!

If three days of private nursery is affordable for you what about a mother’s help a couple of afternoons per week so you can sleep/have some ‘me’ time?
As things return to normal post lockdown you might enjoy being with baby more if you can get out to mother and baby groups etc.

I know plenty of women who can afford to stay home after having kids (high earning husbands, come from wealth etc) and haven't been back to work. Go for it. You don't have to work work work or train just because. If you can afford not to then do it.

you have money and the luxury of choice, embrace it rather than worrying about justifying it.

Perfectly said.

We did two days of nursery a week. I used that time to do housework, batch cooking, and to be me! See friends without babies, and regain a sense of myself. It meant we had more time together on the non-nursery days and better quality time at the weekend.

Go for it! I have twins - nursery fees were over £100 a day for the two of them. The job I had before I had them paid £50 a day 🙈. We've been stuck as a family for 2 years. It's only since they've turned 3 that we're able to afford (because it's free 🤣) nursery.

If you're happy as a parent. The kids will be happy. Do what you want. You are not selfish doing what you want to do. It's your life before you have kids and it's your life after you have kids. It's a different thing to neglect your children.

If it works for you, your husband and your baby, then I’d say go for it. The nursery have a 3 full day minimum but that’s actually quite misleading I think. It’s about paying them for 3 full days - it doesn’t mean you have to be at the front door as soon as they open and not pick up till closing time. If you’re not working, you can drop baby off after breakfast/mid morning and collect mid afternoon if that’s what suits you best and if money isn’t a factor it’s not like you’d feel the need to leave him all day to get your money’s worth. I think it could work for you and be good for baby too. Good luck whatever you choose.

I feel a bit odd about this thread because a couple of months back there was a thread from a mother who wanted to use nursery (full time) in order to, you know, work and earn money and she got a much tougher ride than you’ve had which I think says a lot about what society is ok with mothers of young children doing. We’re ok with them sleeping but not pursuing a career, building up a pension and savings, etc.

Anyway that’s not relevant to you. I think you should do it if it works for you. I never really understand people who say that a baby should be at home with one caregiver all the time - it’s only relatively recently in human history that that’s become the norm (hence ‘it takes a village’) and children are capable of forming an attachment with more than one person.

Go for it! Even if you were the most hands on mum who was constantly coming up with new things for her to do you can’t replace the social interaction she will get from nursery. She will form bonds with other children and adults. My DD has been going full time since she was around 9 months old and she is the most confident, happy little girl and is meeting al of her milestones. It hasn’t damaged our relationship at all - she loves the time’s she spends with DH and I and she also bounces into nursery on a Monday morning excited to see ‘her friends’ and tell them all about her weekend. I get to use my brain, drink tea and sit down at work. It’s the best.