To send my 12 month old to nursery 3 days a week when I’m a SAHM?

[merrynelly]

We are in a very fortunate position financially that I don’t have to work and we can afford nursery fees. I have found being with my beautiful baby all day every day extremely tough. I’m permanently exhausted, lacking sleep and therefore feel I am not doing my best with him.

He is not 12 months yet but I am planning ahead. I would’ve liked him to go to nursery one day a week but the nursery I like does a minimum of 3 days and I read that one day a week is too little time for the child to truly settle in.

I feel awful that in my privileged position I am contemplating sending him to nursery, when I know really he will want to be with me. But I’m just not SAHM material. I fear I will just end up sitting him in front of the TV. In my time off aside from catching up on sleep and chores, I hope to at some point later do a qualification as I do want to get back into the workplace, but that will probably be a few years down the line.

I just wondered if what I am considering is unreasonable, unheard of, terrible parenting and I’m open to all opinions.

@Ilovegreentomatoes

I work in a nursery and tbh children under 2 do not really enjoy or gain much from nursery at this age. Many get over tired and tearful come afternoon as it's to long a day for them. If you are going to send him I'd recommend 3 mornings instead not 3 whole days.

Would you please tell me more from an 'insider's' perspective?

Because they need to work need
Unless you are not being serious.
It's entirely different. My friend is a principal at a nursery and I went in for a visit when I was thinking about childcare for my granddaughter.
It was awful. Babies crying and just left.
I would never do this unless I had to work. My own kids went to playgroup from 3 in the mornings.
It's an entirely different matter if people need to work. To do this voluntarily is mind-blowing to me.

This article is a hard read

www.newstatesman.com/politics/uk/2017/11/childcare-very-young-feels-abuse

@NerrSnerr

The stay at home parents I know tend to have a lot of family support and have people around them who will have the children for a day or overnight. It's hard to understand how difficult it is when you don't have that support around you.

As I said upthread, if I was a SAHM and had the money I'd do this if I needed. I'm counting down the days until September when my youngest goes to school and I'll have two days to myself!

I had absolutely zero family support. Family are all 200+ miles away. My DC didn't overnight anywhere at all until they went to school and started being invited to sleepovers. And there certainly wasn't anyone to have them during the day. I didn't even leave them with XH (though that's because of XH). I still didn't send them to nursery, though.

However... I think all this shows is that everyone is different. Everyone has different needs, and different things work for different parents and children. I was a SAHM 24/7 because I liked it. I also thought it was best for the children - but it was perhaps only best for the children precisely because I was happy. If I hadn't been happy, who knows what would have been better for them? How happy would I have been, SAHM-ing during multiple lockdowns? If I hadn't had very good local friends to hang out with during the day, thanks to toddler groups and NCT?

That could well have been a very different experience.

OP, have faith in your own judgement about what is best for your child, and for you.

And I love your username, @NerrSnerr

I do think it's worth remembering @merrynelly that so far you've only parented in a pandemic. By the time they're 1 life should be more normal. Not just baby groups but trips out, the park etc. I wouldn't make any big decisions based on how parenting in a pandemic is.

Isn't this what nursery's are for?

I feel sorry for you having to have this firsr year during the pandemic. I definitely felt worried and self conscious in the first year, and what helped was just sitting in cafés with other mums, going for walks, doing baby groups. Even if your baby doesn't like them it's another room to crawl round and kills an hour getting there and back. It must really suck not having that.

I believe nursery is on balance not as great for a one year old as being with a more one-to-one carer, ideally you, for most of the time. It's fine - if you need to work, or recharge as you get literally no help from DH, but there are more optimal solutions. If you have money, how about a nanny 3 mornings a week? Or a childminder? Then it's a gentler introduction to socialising without you, and you still get a break.

Within the next 12 months your baby will start wanting to get a bit more independent, and there are loads of good things for 2 year olds - for example mine went to an outdoor forest school nursery from age 2 where the ratios were really small, because I genuinely couldn't give them the benefit of being out in nature all day. Again, if you are doing this to benefit them/you and not because you're juggling financial costs with benefits, you can afford to do your research and think about what's really good for both of you.

But don't think that you are not enough, because you are.

I'm in a similar position as you. I am a sahm and have an almost 14 month old. I'm looking to send her to daycare for two half days per week.
Personally I would image three full days might be too much. If you're just looking for a break, you're not really trying to integrate your baby in a new group. At 12 months your baby will not be interested in interactive play; they're still in the parallel play phase.
It's really up to you I would just reconsider the "integration" reason... good luck!!

@Jbon9087

Isn't this what nursery's are for?

No....?

@Jbon9087

Isn't this what nursery's are for?

No, they're for the deserving workers. Apparently

@TheBigBazookasOfBrendaBurgess

OP, I'm really sorry to read your update. You do know, don't you, that people who are "good" at being SAHMs don't have magical powers? I spent lots of time just pottering with my children when they were little. Slow walking, poking in puddles, etc, etc. I used to like playgroup (I know this isn't possible at the moment) because there would always be someone else there who was having a bad day and whose child was being appalling. This is very consoling when an hour feels like three years.

I also think the first year is pretty boring. I am not someone who loves cuddling babies. I'm indifferent to babies generally, though obviously loved my own. However, once they could walk and talk, it was a very different story. They are absolutely brilliant at that stage, and it's a bit of a shame to miss that bit, having done all the drudge beforehand.

It's also much easier having more than one child, in my experience, odd as it might sound. I used to find mine far more demanding individually than collectively.

This is just how I feel. I've got two now, and it's nothing compared to the unrelenting hell of your first baby's first year. The second is SUCH great value for entertaining the first now. I just point them at each other and leg it into the next room to get on with stuff, or lie on the sofa next to them and read, until I hear one of them calling me. Of course there are two bottoms to wipe, two dinners to make, etc, but I'm not the sole source of social interaction in our house for our child. And once they get to 1 they become so much better value. Please really believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I used to go to baby groups with my first but it was mostly just to make the endless days go a bit quicker. He got crap all out of it because he was a baby and barely noticed the other children, I got crap all out of it because no one actually wanted to talk and make friends. I found (and still find) meeting childless friends (who obviously will at least tolerate my children) easier because there is only one nap schedule to work around and one set of children who might kick off!

I felt dreadful that I wasn't doing enough to stimulate my first baby, but you really barely need to do anything. I spent my second's first year in a much more productive manner (when toddler wasn't requiring me), playing for five minutes then reading a book (my book, not hers!), pottering around on walks, etc. It's so sad to me to hear you (OP) lacking so much confidence in being a mum because I used to feel just the same way and now I love it.

I'm appalled at some of the posters who are demanding you go and get a job to "fill your time" and "give you some objectives", but I do concur that it would probably be good for you to have a little plan for your "days off". Even if it's just "have a two hour bath with a trashy novel"! I never feel good when I've frittered the day away on Mumsnet (ha ha). So pick something that will really relax you and make you feel good so you make the most of those days.

I'd still vote for not starting with three full days, though, and finding a nursery or childminder who's a bit more flexible. If you do pay for three full days, you at least aren't obliged to use them and can pick up and drop off when it suits you (within reason).

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to want some time to yourself but 3 full days is a lot of time. If I were you I’d get a more flexible arrangement (eg childminder for a couple of afternoons) and the rest of the time realise that you are the mummy therefore as long as you can find your way of doing things it will all work out. When I went from working to being a SAHM I felt very incapable but realised it was because I hadn’t had the necessary practice or gained the experience I needed. After a while I did!

It's your child, it's your decision. If you feel it would benefit, then do it.

In Europe this is standard, with or without a job. Go for it. Enjoy. Blissful time ahead and that pick up is such a joy when you have had some free time.

Go for it, if it is what you feel you need to be a better mum and longer term it could help your career I see no reason why not to. Make the most of the fortunate position you find yourself in!

This is what I do. I don't work and use nursery 2 days per week. Gives me a break.

I work and DD goes 2 days which is a good amount (I'm not full time). YANBU if you're in a comfortable financial position. Why a few years to go back to work though? If youre using nursery anyway you may as well make good use of your time, it'll be harder to go back to work with a longer break

@MrsKeats you must have been a pretty dreadful nursery, you can’t use one nursery as an example for all.

We did a lot of research into actual peer reviewed studies before sending our little girl to nursery for three mornings a week instead of hearsay. There are slight negative effects in full time poor quality childcare which levels out in later childhood. However if you utilise high quality childcare there is little to no negative effect.

We picked an award winning outstanding rated outdoor nursery. I’ve never once seen a child in the grounds crying at drop off or pick up. When we looked around all of the children were happy running around outside.

@RidingMyBike

I know lots have suggested baby/toddler groups when these start again but they really are very different now because of the restrictions. A friend with baby went to one during autumn term - everyone had their own mat distanced from everyone else, children weren't allowed to approach other mats, play with toys allocated to others etc. She was really frustrated with it as there wasn't any opportunity to interact with others.

I'm not even sure if most of the local ones here will restart as they were mainly staffed by elderly volunteers.

This sounds more like where I am. These may based classes aren't so bad with a baby if you just want an activity. They don't work so well for that age when they're mobile but not very compliant or understanding of rules. Throw in the mask wearing and it is more difficult to connect with the other parents too.

I also don't get the negatively about doing this as a SAHM, besides anything after a rest and a break you might find yourself looking for part time work or volunteering. It's not like you're ruling anything out longer term.

It's ofsted rated as 'excellent' sipsmith
There is no way a small baby gets anything at all from nursery. And no way on earth a nursery worker can replace a parent.
This is just what people say to make themselves feel better.
I was a single mum for 7 years btw and work with children. I think there are better choices than having a baby then needing a 'break' for 3 days a week.

Small babies don't run. We aren't talking about toddlers.

Do it. As an ex teacher all the child psych research shows chikdren benefit hugely from nursery. It's the socialisation, peer interaction, learning emotional intelligence, negotiation, group dynamics ,social norms etc.

If anything it makes you a better Mum because you’re acknowledging your struggle and finding a solution that will enable you have quality time with your child rather that feeling dragged down. If you’re lucky enough that you can afford it then why not? Good for the child’s social skills as well 👍

Why don’t you start the qualification sooner if you feel worried about having to justify putting him in? Not that I think you do - there’s no evidence of much difference in outcomes for most children whether they’re in good quality childcare or at home with decent parents.

@CSIblonde

Do it. As an ex teacher all the child psych research shows chikdren benefit hugely from nursery. It's the socialisation, peer interaction, learning emotional intelligence, negotiation, group dynamics ,social norms etc.

As a current teacher, not for the under twos it doesn't.