To send my 12 month old to nursery 3 days a week when I’m a SAHM?

[merrynelly]

We are in a very fortunate position financially that I don’t have to work and we can afford nursery fees. I have found being with my beautiful baby all day every day extremely tough. I’m permanently exhausted, lacking sleep and therefore feel I am not doing my best with him.

He is not 12 months yet but I am planning ahead. I would’ve liked him to go to nursery one day a week but the nursery I like does a minimum of 3 days and I read that one day a week is too little time for the child to truly settle in.

I feel awful that in my privileged position I am contemplating sending him to nursery, when I know really he will want to be with me. But I’m just not SAHM material. I fear I will just end up sitting him in front of the TV. In my time off aside from catching up on sleep and chores, I hope to at some point later do a qualification as I do want to get back into the workplace, but that will probably be a few years down the line.

I just wondered if what I am considering is unreasonable, unheard of, terrible parenting and I’m open to all opinions.

I wouldn't, but then I have experience of a very poor nursery (despite it being 'Outstanding'.)

If you have the money I would pay for a baby sitter 1:1 in your own home for a few hours a week, I wouldn't put a one year old in a group setting unless it was necessary.

I work full time. My 1 year old goes to nursery 3 full days per week. She live3s it and gets to do loadsa of stuff she wouldnt necessarily get at home.She settled in great.

@CSIblonde

Do it. As an ex teacher all the child psych research shows chikdren benefit hugely from nursery. It's the socialisation, peer interaction, learning emotional intelligence, negotiation, group dynamics ,social norms etc.

What age?

@CSIblonde

Do it. As an ex teacher all the child psych research shows chikdren benefit hugely from nursery. It's the socialisation, peer interaction, learning emotional intelligence, negotiation, group dynamics ,social norms etc.

Not at the age of the OP's child, though.

If you think your little one will be happy there and are definitely reassured that it’s a high quality settling then I’s say go for it (perhaps just half days if they offer)
I really enjoyed being at home and out and about at groups etc when my older children were little and was looking forward to the same with my youngest. We had a lovely time doing just that until the pandemic struck and then he became very bored and the days very long for both of us, so I did just what your considering. He settled in well and a few months after the job I’d been hoping to go for in a few years came up. I thought as he’s in nursery anyway I may as well go for it and unexpectedly I actually got the job! So I am now properly back at work. Little one enjoys nursery (and older one loves going to childminders/holiday club) I enjoy my job and now absolutely love the time we do get to spend together.

I wouldn’t do it. I think very young children need to be with their parents, and it’s quite selfish to send them away when you have the option not to. But that’s just my opinion, I’m sure many disagree.

It’s totally up to you, but what will you do all day? If he’s going to nursery and you ultimately want to return to work, it seems like the perfect opportunity.

I found plenty to do while little one at nursery, whether that be a nap after a bad night’s sleep or housework that didn’t get chance to usually do. Then when the schools shut could actually really enjoy spending time with the older ones homeschooling (and complete the work) rather than the stressful experience of trying to juggle with a toddler who also needed constant attention. Of course did feel very sad that pandemic has meant haven’t had quite the experience with him had been hoping for but this was a solution which made us both me and little one happy and our relationship is definitely no less. Not to mention the unexpected bonuses he seems to have gained from nursery that I really wasn’t expecting like great table manners and gentleness around younger children, plus me ending up reestablishing my career. I suppose lucky have a husband who empathised that I needed a break (and sleep) and trusted was doing what I felt best for us. Ultimately has paid dividends as would have been very difficult to go back to career if had left it much longer.

Yabu.
The first years will fly by.
Find a different nursery for one day a week?
Your post seems full of justifications and excuses.
What does your dp/dw/do think?
You did choose to have a baby,commit to these first few years,they will soon be at school.

I needed to for my mental health as I was struggling.
My DC and I really benefitted.

* I wouldn’t do it. I think very young children need to be with their parents, and it’s quite selfish to send them away when you have the option not to.*

^I wouldn’t either. I couldn’t do that to my child.

Hi OP. None of my business really, but seeing as you asked.... personally, 3 full days for a one-year is not ideal unless you have to work, or you’re you’re ill / incapacitated or something. Read up on child development. They don’t need to “socialise” at that age and it’s a long, stressful day for a one year-old. Someone compared it to an adult being left in a full football stadium all day - that’s how nosy and overwhelming it feels.

Could you not get a childminder into your home for a few hours on certain days instead? Take yourself out to the gym or shopping or to meet friends “hands free.” Or just lie down - whatever you feel you need to do?

Just because this nursery specifies three days minimum does not mean this is in your baby’s interests. This is purely about kicking in profit for the nursery - not the benefit of the babies in there.

• locking in profit

I can understand this perspective and maybe one I partly held before the pandemic and still think probably the ideal is not to have that separation at such a young age, My husband and I made financial/lifestyle sacrifices to enable us to not have to do that with our older children and we don’t regret that at all.
However sometimes it is for the best if not in the ideal circumstances or someone just prefers to work or needs that break for whatever reason. It doesn’t make them selfish or less of a parent to accept the support a high quality setting can offer.

Life isn’t a race to the bottom in who can be miserable. Do it.

If you can afford it, then 100% go for it!

I think most nurseries say 2 days min rather than 3. I think 3 is a bit much when you’re not working and needing to use that childcare. I used childcare but worked and would I wasn’t in a financial position to be a SAHM and use childcare, but a friend did. Did others judge her? Yes. But it’s your life, your finances and if your DH is genuinely happy financing you being a SAHM and paying for childcare go for it. Ultimately you know your situation best and if that feels right for you then don’t worry what anyone else thinks

I can't comprehend your position really as I love spending time with my baby. Have you got any mum friends or baby classes to meet people? Maybe do more day trips? To be honest I don't really know what to suggest

@merrynelly, op, this was me last year. But I had already made up my mind back then when he was 16 months old. It's good for them. I'm not a SAHM material either. Not only o found it really tough to myself mentally (I love my lo), also I just don't know how to play with young child. I knew he'd need the stimulation by playing, by exploring and by socialising.

Last year when everything was close, it gave me a really good reason to send him to the nursery 3 mornings a week (then increased to 4 and now 5).

My older one went to childminder since he was 8 months. It was tough the first time to leave him behind with a stranger. But it was the right decision and his childminder was the nicest person who gave him love and provided him with a decent early year learning environment which I couldn't provide.

Do what you feel right. I do believe you need to find the right nursery for him though. My older one's nursery was really lovely and teachers genuinely cared about each child (even my childminder said she didn't think there was another one to compare). So I sent lo to the same nursery without having to overly worry. He screamed/cried every time at dropoff and pickup. But I knew deeply he would love the place and the teachers. Now he walks into the nursery door with big smiles on his little face every day.

Yes, it's a privilege to have the financial support to do this. But no point to hold onto the guilt simply because you are free. If it's the best for both you and him/her, why otherwise?

Oh well, not sure why someone revived this post from March. Didn't realise that.

Hope whatever decision you made, you are happier now and so is your lo.

@KarmaStar

Yabu. The first years will fly by. Find a different nursery for one day a week? Your post seems full of justifications and excuses. What does your dp/dw/do think? You did choose to have a baby,commit to these first few years,they will soon be at school.

Not everyone is the same. This is a bit too harsh/judgemental. Some mum can love the child to bits, but just not as patient/soft spoken/tactical as others. It doesn't necessarily mean she's not committed.

Each to their own but I personally loved being home with my four. I think for the first couple of years babies should be with parents as much as possible and as they mature they need to socialise a little more.
I honestly don’t understand why you would willing choose to be separated from your baby if you don’t need to, you said yourself that you think the baby would rather be with you.

For those that we're /are sahm most attend weekly clubs like toddler groups they don't exist in a bubble on their own.

So toddlers will usually have socialisation and all of that without being in a fee paying nursery it's not all or nothing.

Op I' wouldn't do three days with a baby, 1 or 2 but surley a mother's help might be better? They look after the baby for you but from your house and your around /your in and out?
Then nursery when they are starting to verbalise?

Helen,
I was a sahm and I found it gruelling, amazing, a privalige etc yes... But also grueling at so many points.
If I had been able to afford just one day's help/care I could have been so much better on the other days. The relentless grind did get to me and knowing I had that regular couple of hours would have been such a help.

How can we judge when we don't know circumstances? I had little money and no family at all to help out.

@Helendee

Each to their own but I personally loved being home with my four. I think for the first couple of years babies should be with parents as much as possible and as they mature they need to socialise a little more. I honestly don’t understand why you would willing choose to be separated from your baby if you don’t need to, you said yourself that you think the baby would rather be with you.

You don't understand because you are a different person of different type. Maybe one of the lucky mums who have the maternal instinct. Honestly, not all of us luckily have that instinct.