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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send my 12 month old to nursery 3 days a week when I’m a SAHM?

300 replies

merrynelly · 15/03/2021 15:33

We are in a very fortunate position financially that I don’t have to work and we can afford nursery fees. I have found being with my beautiful baby all day every day extremely tough. I’m permanently exhausted, lacking sleep and therefore feel I am not doing my best with him.

He is not 12 months yet but I am planning ahead. I would’ve liked him to go to nursery one day a week but the nursery I like does a minimum of 3 days and I read that one day a week is too little time for the child to truly settle in.

I feel awful that in my privileged position I am contemplating sending him to nursery, when I know really he will want to be with me. But I’m just not SAHM material. I fear I will just end up sitting him in front of the TV. In my time off aside from catching up on sleep and chores, I hope to at some point later do a qualification as I do want to get back into the workplace, but that will probably be a few years down the line.

I just wondered if what I am considering is unreasonable, unheard of, terrible parenting and I’m open to all opinions.

OP posts:
Ofallthethings · 15/03/2021 19:48

3 days would seem a bit much to me if you're not working. They are long days for a 12 month old , and I couldn't justify it to myself unless it was needed so I could work. You may as well do the qualification and go back to work now if you really don't feel like you can be a SAHM. What are you giving up work for exactly? What will you do with those three days a week? I get needing a bit of time to yourself but that's probably too much and you may end up bored anyway.
My nursery does ad hoc sessions if someone else's child is on holiday or they are quiet so you don't have to commit to a contract. You could find somewhere like that and send them two mornings a week or something. To me that would be a better balance.

Bobbi73 · 15/03/2021 19:48

I did it but I used the time to retrain. Mine was 2 but it was so great use my brain / be with people that didn't see me as a mum. It gave me a real sense of self and I enjoyed being with the kids much more after a break.
Personally, I wouldn't have wanted to just be at home if I wasn't looking after the kids but then it wasn't lock down when I had mine so we were always at groups or meeting up with friends. It must be so hard now.

JanewaysBun · 15/03/2021 19:49

Do it.

And don't worry about others judging you/judging yourself. Who gives a fuck.
Do exactly what you want/works best for you.
Once again - do . It.

namechangetheworld · 15/03/2021 19:49

With a three year old, definitely. I'm a SAHM and did exactly that. With a one year old, no way. No one year old benefits from being at nursery three days a week. They don't need to 'socialise' at such a young age. It reeks of laziness, and I don't care how awful that sounds. Wait until toddler groups start up in a few weeks and take him to those.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 15/03/2021 19:49

Absolutely send him to nursery, for him as well as you.

My nephew didn't start nursery until he was nearly 4 and it took ages for him to come out of his shell. Its massively beneficial. You'll have time for whatever you want as well.

My mom sent me to playschool 3 afternoons a week... I was a massive pain in the arse Grin

DayBath · 15/03/2021 19:52

I don't understand the comments urging you to busy yourself with training etc while he's at nursery. You have the right to relax in your free time if you want to. I think most parents would do this if they had the funds and it can be great for the children to socialise and interact with other kids. It's a good balance, you need space away from being a mom sometimes, we all do.

user1493494961 · 15/03/2021 19:53

You say you're not SAHM material but you still intend to stay at home but minus your child for three days a week. I bet you can't wait for the gyms to reopen.

iluvpickles · 15/03/2021 19:54

My 2 have gone since about 10 months. I don't think they get much out of nursery though when they are little and I find it hard leaving her when she's crying or I know she's maybe a bit under the weather. By the time they turn 2 it's a lot better and they start enjoying it more and making friends etc.

You are in a great position though in that you can chose not to put ur child in if they have the sniffles etc.

I wouldn't want them to do 3 full days though if I wasn't working. If I did I'd probably put them in later and take them out early. For instance put them in at 10am rather and pick up at 4pm. Can u mix it up a little to make it say 2 full days and 2 half days.

Personally I'd find another nursery and probably go for 1 full day and 2 half days.

MuddleMoo · 15/03/2021 19:54

I was just thinking 3 days is quite a bit of down time so could do 2 days off and 1 day volunteering/studying to ease back into work as OP suggested wanting to do training in the future.

Ofallthethings · 15/03/2021 19:56

Also if you're okay for money sign up for loads of baby groups once they reopen - the paid for ones should reopen earlier than the church type playgroups. They will provide extra stimulation and help the time pass.

HappyasLaura · 15/03/2021 20:00

Definitely.
I was a SAHM for a couple of years and did the same albeit only one day. For no reason other than I wanted a day to myself. I loved it.

MuddleMoo · 15/03/2021 20:00

@Chocsmyfav

MuddleMoo Your point is exactly? I’m talking about a 12 month old child not school aged.
I was wondering if you feel the same about people who send their kids to school instead of homeschooling? To me that's a similar thing. Didn't mean to offend!
Hardbackwriter · 15/03/2021 20:01

I don't understand the argument that it'd be fine if NO were working or studying but not if she'll just be having free time - it either is it isn't detrimental for a one year old to do three days a week in nursery, the baby doesn't know or care whether or not they 'need' to be there so it makes no difference to them.

azar · 15/03/2021 20:02

Hi OP, I don’t think babies if that age gain anything from nursery. Could you not just get someone into your home, maybe a few mornings a week, who could sit and play with him or whatever, so you could go for a walk / run / coffee. He will be more settled in his own home with his own toys etc. Also, when they’re in nurseries they are constantly picking up colds and whatever is going around and then you may well have to deal with an over-tired, ill, unsettled baby on the other days of the week which hardly makes life easier.

I’m sure it is really hard at the moment but summer is coming and groups will open up soon enough. Just get friends over everyday or go to their house as soon as you can. Won’t be long hopefully!

Original poster
merrynelly · 15/03/2021 20:04

@DayBath

I don't understand the comments urging you to busy yourself with training etc while he's at nursery. You have the right to relax in your free time if you want to. I think most parents would do this if they had the funds and it can be great for the children to socialise and interact with other kids. It's a good balance, you need space away from being a mom sometimes, we all do.
Thank you for this. It appears a common opinion is that if I'm not being a SAHM, then I MUST either be training for a job or working. When many people are in fact counting down the days until they retire!

I fully intend to work and I have my reasons as to why that isn't immediate, but I do feel whether I work in my free time or literally sleep away every hour is irrelevant.

Also all the comments re my husband, he supports whatever decision I choose to make

OP posts:
MuddleMoo · 15/03/2021 20:04

@Chocsmyfav

MuddleMoo Do you always look through peoples threads? How creepy
No I don't. I use active threads a lot though. Have we posted on the same thread?
RidingMyBike · 15/03/2021 20:06

I would have loved to have done this if we could have afforded it! Mine did go three days a week, but that was when I was working. She went at 12 months and had an absolutely brilliant time - I didn't think they interacted with other kids that young but she made friends and did so many fun activities. I then had two weekdays at home with her, then the weekend. And that was plenty. Toddlers are pretty full on and it's absolutely soul-destroying being with them the whole time, unless you're one of those people who really enjoy spending time with small children!
I found it gave a the week a great balance. We had time to do fun things together but she got all the fun and benefits of nursery too.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 15/03/2021 20:08

I really don’t see the issue, so what if someone doesn’t fill every waking hour either working, studying or actively playing with their children, it’s a family matter for OP and her family.
Also this crap about children only benefiting from nursery from the age of 3- my LO has loved it since 18 months- just added some variety to her day.
Do what you like OP, preschoolers are exhausting and any time you can claw back, either to put your house in order, rest or just save your sanity id take it.

PerspicaciousGreen · 15/03/2021 20:09

You say your baby isn't yet 12 months old. I don't know how far they are off that, but to be honest I wouldn't plan ahead too much. I found the first year with both of mine a total slog. My second turned one a month ago and she is now an absolute joy.

There's nothing wrong with sending your LO to nursery as a SAHM if you can afford it and your husband is fully on board. That said, I don't agree at all that one day a week isn't enough time for them to settle. I'd be looking for a more flexible nursery, especially one that did half days, so you can have the hours that are right for you as you go along.

Particularly as things are so weird at the moment. You might find it totally different once your LO is toddling around and you can properly meet friends at the park and so on.

One thing is that I really disagree with the idea that nursery is necessary for socialisation for such young children. I don't think it particularly harms them as long as they do have a good bond with their parents and spend time with them when not at nursery, but I also think there's nothing wrong with a one year old NOT going to nursery. So if you do send him, know that you're sending him for YOU (which is OK!) and don't pretend you're doing it for him.

PerspicaciousGreen · 15/03/2021 20:13

Ooh, I've just seen the suggestion upthread for a mother's helper/babysitter at your house instead. I think that's a GREAT idea. So much more convenient for you (no pickups/dropoffs), and baby likely to settle much better with a new person in his own home. They can take him out to the park etc so you'll get some peace and quiet!

ivegotmyteddybear · 15/03/2021 20:15

@didireallysaythat

I'd do it. There's no way on earth I'd go back to a parent baby group - I'd rather stick red hot needles in eyes. Done it once, never again.

I used nurseries full time from 3 months - and I can live with that.

Full time? 3 months old?
ivegotmyteddybear · 15/03/2021 20:16

@crystalcherry87

Not at 12 months I wouldn't. Only because I've worked in nurseries and seen what they can be like. I think babies that age are always better at home unless you need to work and there's no choice.
I'm interested to hear more on this
Original poster
merrynelly · 15/03/2021 20:16

@user1493494961

You say you're not SAHM material but you still intend to stay at home but minus your child for three days a week. I bet you can't wait for the gyms to reopen.
You're either jealous or a miserable martyr or perhaps even both.

I'm so glad the vast majority of these posts have been non judgemental and given me some great insight

OP posts:
ivegotmyteddybear · 15/03/2021 20:17

@WhySoSensitive

My little boy is starting two half days a week, we can’t afford any more but I really want him to have the socialisation aspect of nursery. He’s 18m.
Not needed until at least 3
User17930472 · 15/03/2021 20:20

I can’t stand to hear people who want their child to be at nursery when there is no need, particularly at such a young age. I know people will think I am unreasonable to say that but it is the truth. What did you think having a baby would be? Why bother if you only ever wanted to be part time through choice?

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