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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To send my 12 month old to nursery 3 days a week when I’m a SAHM?

300 replies

merrynelly · 15/03/2021 15:33

We are in a very fortunate position financially that I don’t have to work and we can afford nursery fees. I have found being with my beautiful baby all day every day extremely tough. I’m permanently exhausted, lacking sleep and therefore feel I am not doing my best with him.

He is not 12 months yet but I am planning ahead. I would’ve liked him to go to nursery one day a week but the nursery I like does a minimum of 3 days and I read that one day a week is too little time for the child to truly settle in.

I feel awful that in my privileged position I am contemplating sending him to nursery, when I know really he will want to be with me. But I’m just not SAHM material. I fear I will just end up sitting him in front of the TV. In my time off aside from catching up on sleep and chores, I hope to at some point later do a qualification as I do want to get back into the workplace, but that will probably be a few years down the line.

I just wondered if what I am considering is unreasonable, unheard of, terrible parenting and I’m open to all opinions.

OP posts:

Original poster

merrynelly · 15/03/2021 19:14

@user64332

No way. And I don't see how people are comparing it to school, this is an infant. Do you know nothing about attachment theory? There is a reason nursery isn't funded for infants and that is because they are better being with their primary carer at this age. 3 full days is a LOT for a baby when their primary carer is at home not working.

This is my fear. I truly believe that he is actually best being home with me, but at the same time how can that be if I'm doing him a disservice by not providing him with the stimulation he needs and hindering his development?

I know my strengths and weaknesses and where my skills lie, and the SAHM role is not for me.

OP posts:

WhoStoleMyCheese · 15/03/2021 19:14

If you can afford it- it’s nobody’s business but your family’s. In some ways nursery might even be better than being at home with an bored parent. Not every woman’s cut out to be a SAHM.

VestaTilley · 15/03/2021 19:17

YANBU. It is completely knackering. My DS is off nursery on Friday’s with me and I’m wiped out.

I took 13 months mat leave and have no idea how I’m not dead from exhaustion: the fact that I’m still battling PND is a bit of a clue though...

You should definitely do it, it’s only 3 days and will be excellent for their speech and language development and socialisation.

ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown · 15/03/2021 19:19

I certainly wouldn't be spending any time doing chores, if I had the £100+ a week to spend on a nursery.
OP you being bored or stressed is one thing, but you do seem to think that you will be somehow insufficient for your baby and I think that is very, very unlikely to be the case!

EasterGuineaPig · 15/03/2021 19:20

It’s your baby and your money so if that’s what you want to do then go for it. I’m a SAHM with one year old twins. I also feel that the best care that they can get at this age is in their home environment with me and I love it 90% of the time but it’s certainly not easy. If part time nursery is what works best for you then that’s ok. I’m sure he’ll have a lovely time with you on the days you are together.

Scottishskifun · 15/03/2021 19:22

If you can afford it then go for it. They really learn a lot in nursery and very quickly. Let's face it there is currently very limited socialising available for the under 4s and it does have an impact on them.

Becoming a mother doesn't stop you from being a person and wanting some space, time to yourself etc etc many people seem to think that it does.

ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown · 15/03/2021 19:25

Becoming an adult with adult responsibilities took that away from most of us!

NerrSnerr · 15/03/2021 19:25

If your husband is on board too then go for it. Both of mine have really loved nursery from 12 months. If I didn't have to work and could have still sent them I would have done a couple of days a week.

Once things are open again and there are groups, clubs etc you may decide to reduce the days or something but you can of course take it as it comes.

LolaSmiles · 15/03/2021 19:26

3 days a week as a SAHM sounds a bit much to me, but that's because if I opted to be a SAHP it would be to stay at home with them, not send them to nursery for half the week.

I'd also check that your partner is on board because there's a big difference between having the money available to spend, and the whole family agreeing that spending family money on 3 out of 5 days a week at nursery whilst one parent is home having time to themselves. If you're both on the same page then fine, but it's something that could cause conflict.

If your concern is development and stimulation then that can be achieved through a range of groups, and you'll also get to see other adults there as well.

Personally, I'd hold off nursery for now but consider it in a year when you're ready to start your qualifications or want to move into part time work.

didireallysaythat · 15/03/2021 19:28

I'd do it. There's no way on earth I'd go back to a parent baby group - I'd rather stick red hot needles in eyes. Done it once, never again.

I used nurseries full time from 3 months - and I can live with that.

crystalcherry87 · 15/03/2021 19:28

Not at 12 months I wouldn't. Only because I've worked in nurseries and seen what they can be like. I think babies that age are always better at home unless you need to work and there's no choice.

NoSquirrels · 15/03/2021 19:29

If I were you, OP, I’d look for a lovely local childminder for 2 days a week.

One-to-one attachment and home environment, like you’d get with grandparents looking after them or a trusted family friend, usually other mindees at some point in the day and loads of child-focused activities. They have to follow the EYFS and provide all the stuff that nursery does. People usually say they do t choose childminders because they need the absolute surety that nursery will be open rather than relying on one self-employer person but we found our childminder(s) to be utterly reliable and an absolute enhancement to our family life. Plus they’re usually more flexible.

At 3+ then nursery gets more beneficial, but at 12 months you want that home 1-1 if you can.

Janxyb · 15/03/2021 19:29

Mine DC is older (2yo) but he has started going to nursery 2 mornings a week. I work evenings so he isn't going because we needed childcare. I put him in for him to socialise with other kids and to give me 10 hours a week to clean/shop/chill. I don't feel guilty and he loves it there x

crystalcherry87 · 15/03/2021 19:30

And what I mean is they are often understaffed and babies don't really get the attention they need. So they would be safe and looked after but not all their needs would be met to the standard they would at home.

Angrymum22 · 15/03/2021 19:33

DS was in nursery from 6mnths old when I returned to work. He did 2.5 days a week (every other weekday). Realistically, until they are about 2 it is childcare. They are fed and looked after but as far as stimulation is concerned, at this age one to one is better. From 2 yrs onwards they start to learn about social interaction with other children, they haven’t much interest in other children up to this point, ie they play alongside rather than with.
If I could have had a couple of years SAH parenting I would have done, but I had my own business so had to return relatively early. As another PP said they are young for such a short time and the last twelve months have been quite intense for new parents. Once the lockdown has lifted you will experience a whole new world of parenting without social isolation. Groups will restart, cafes open and you won’t feel so pressured to be a full on parent.

1forAll74 · 15/03/2021 19:35

I would never send a baby to a nursery, it kind of goes against you having a baby,and not wanting to spend this precious time with them. The baby will change so much in early baby hood,and you will miss out on all the everyday little things.

I am not sure why so many women complain about having a baby to look after, and keep saying they are tired and exhausted, just looking after one baby.This is the way it is sometimes, but this won't last forever.. SAHM mums should be able to have a much easier time at home anyway.

WhySoSensitive · 15/03/2021 19:35

My little boy is starting two half days a week, we can’t afford any more but I really want him to have the socialisation aspect of nursery. He’s 18m.

Babyg1995 · 15/03/2021 19:36

my babys with my partner while I work 5 days as he is furloughed at the moment hes back full time end of April hopefully I work during school hours so my older 2 I dont need child care but I will for baby which my mum will be doing as I dont want a stranger looking after her couldn't imagine putting my child into a nursery so young if I was a sahm whether we could afford it or not .

NerrSnerr · 15/03/2021 19:39

@1forAll74 what about families where both parents work? Does it go against having a baby to use childcare so you work to keep a roof over your head?

Greenmarmalade · 15/03/2021 19:42

Do it, especially as all playgroups are closed. I would pick up early so your child isn’t overtired and it stays being pleasurable for both of you.

MissyB1 · 15/03/2021 19:44

If you aren’t working or studying what will you do when baby is at nursery? It just seems odd to pay other people to look after your baby when you haven’t got anything else to do.
My dh would not have been happy with that I must say - especially for a 1 year old. At that age nursery isn’t the best environment for them.

Incogweeto · 15/03/2021 19:45

I know my strengths and weaknesses and where my skills lie, and the SAHM role is not for me.

To be honest, I think if you have a baby and you are a mother, you kick yourself up the arse and make sure you ARE providing the stimulation you need and not hindering development.

Also, this is just a lie that you have told yourself to make yourself feel better about it. You'r'e telling yourself your baby needs it for their development - they don't. Certainly not as much as they need to be with their primary carer. It's not always possible for every baby and family, but it is for yours.

ivegotmyteddybear · 15/03/2021 19:46

@Incogweeto

I wouldn’t have done it for the world.

If you do it, then you may as well qualify and go to work now. I don’t mean this nastily but if your child is in childcare for the majority of the week you’re not a SAHM you’re just unemployed.

Shots fired!

NerrSnerr · 15/03/2021 19:47

If you aren’t working or studying what will you do when baby is at nursery? It just seems odd to pay other people to look after your baby when you haven’t got anything else to do.

Bloody hell. If I had 3 days a week to myself I would get all the jobs done i could so I didn't have to do them with a child (shopping, washing, putting it away, beds etc). I'd go to the gym. I'd knit a jumper, I'd read, I would watch Netflix.

There is so much you could do. Just because you have children doesn't mean you have to spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week caring for them if you're able to afford help.

NerrSnerr · 15/03/2021 19:48

@MissyB1 it doesn't matter what your husband thinks though- if the OP's husband is happy then there's no problem.

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