To send my 12 month old to nursery 3 days a week when I’m a SAHM?

[merrynelly]

We are in a very fortunate position financially that I don’t have to work and we can afford nursery fees. I have found being with my beautiful baby all day every day extremely tough. I’m permanently exhausted, lacking sleep and therefore feel I am not doing my best with him.

He is not 12 months yet but I am planning ahead. I would’ve liked him to go to nursery one day a week but the nursery I like does a minimum of 3 days and I read that one day a week is too little time for the child to truly settle in.

I feel awful that in my privileged position I am contemplating sending him to nursery, when I know really he will want to be with me. But I’m just not SAHM material. I fear I will just end up sitting him in front of the TV. In my time off aside from catching up on sleep and chores, I hope to at some point later do a qualification as I do want to get back into the workplace, but that will probably be a few years down the line.

I just wondered if what I am considering is unreasonable, unheard of, terrible parenting and I’m open to all opinions.

I'm just not convinced that toddlers don't need any socialisation until 3. It simply doesn't match up with the experience of all my SAHM or parents who use grandparents for childcare friends. Our kids would constantly ask after each other during those long periods of bad weather when we couldn't go to the park. They are clearly interacting with each other and even before that my DC clearly enjoyed watching older children.

Lots of opinions on here but all that matters is what you and your husband think at the end of the day.

I am in a fortunate position like yourself and my little one goes 2 days a week to a brilliant nursery. Honestly, it really works for us. The 2 days are spread out in the week and he gets to have fun in a setting making friends, doing forest school, lots of great activities etc, he thrives there and is very happy. I get some 'me time' and then get all the boring life and house stuff done, but with the radio on and calm! The days he's with me which is still the majority of the week we are very busy. Playgroups (when open), baking, activities, the park etc, those days are all about him as I've done the house work/life admin etc the other days. I often spend a bit of time the days he's at nursery planning and prepping activities for him too.

I find it's a great balance for us as a family.

It wouldn't work for everyone but it works for us. Good luck whatever you choose to do :)

Also, at "What's the point of having a child?" It's perfectly possible to not be much of a baby person but to want to have a child because you want the CHILD that they'll grow into.

@Squashiesaremyfav you’re right, not all the comments are ridiculous. That’s why I said “some”

Ultimately do what you want but I do find it strange to call yourself a SAHM but then openly admit you’re not cut out to be a SAHM (which I don’t blame you for I’m certainly not!). I work part time and it’s great but I love my job and would never have given it up. DC went to nursery 3 days a week from 10 months and have both thrived. If your child is in childcare 3/5 days you’re just...a home maker? Unemployed? Not working out of choice? Which is fine but I wouldn’t describe myself as a SAHM in a million years but our children would be in childcare the same amount? I love my kids but I don’t understand how women just stop working when they have children. It’s such a huge part of my life and identity!

Well the nursery staff have a gang of other kids to care for and aren't going to care about your precious baby like you do. Even with the best intentions they are generally under staffed and won't have the time to give a young baby the attention it needs. My son was 8 months old when I went back to work and I put him in the same nursery as me ( he was in a different room) and I found a member of staff trying to give him a hot dog in a bun. And they didn't give him his bottle at the right times and he'd be screaming. I've seen this type of thing with other babies in the setting too, not just my own.

Do you have an inheritance or your own income from something else?

I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing it but at the same time my partner wouldn’t agree to it either. I couldn’t be at home with the baby in nursery if he was out working to pay for me being at home.

However it would be different if we won the lottery or something so if you are so fabulously wealthy that neither of you have work then that is rather different

Do it. I'm going to do that once maternity leave finishes with DC2.

DD1 has gained so much from nursery.

I've been back at work 9 months and due to go on maternity soon. I'll be keeping DD in nursery part time while I'm on mat leave.

Babies of that age do not socialse with other babies, so I disagree about your reason for sending your child to nursery at such a young age unless you have to return to work. I could not have done that, if it meant I was home alone all day, apart from missing out I would have felt tremendously guilty.

Would not have dreamt of doing this.

Ds3 is in nursery one day a week as I feel he has missed out on so much socialisation due to the pandemic. He is 20 months now and started going to a childminder when he was 15 months. I feel 3 days a week is a lot for a young child when they don’t need to be in nursery but equally we are in different times and babies and toddlers are not getting to meet other little ones. I used the same childminder as I used for DS2 as I knew she was excellent. I personally wouldn’t do 3 days a week but maybe 2 at a push.

Jesus, this thread has brought out all the judgement, as expected! Do whatever works for you. It's ok to need a break and some time for yourself. It's also ok to have them at home with you full-time until school if that's what works for you. I'm a SAHM and I'm going to send mine to pre-school at two for a couple of mornings she naps well and it is cheaper than full days and much cheaper than local nursery, not because I have an issue with full days.

Personally I wouldn't. I felt so guilty putting my 10 month old into nursery for 3 half days so I could go back to work. I actually reduced my hours when I had dc2 as he hated nursery so much. He started just gayer he turned 1. However both went to a local play school type nursery 4/5 mornings a week when they were about 3 which they loved. Now I feel guilty for sending them to breakfast club! They do like to moan. I do understand the need for a break but I think 3 days is a bit much at that age.

Aibu asks for people's judgement. That's the whole point

It never occured to me to be a SAHM, both of mine did 3 full days in nursery from 12 months. I think nursery is fine for kids. However, honestly, I would feel guilty if I were just sitting around at home for 3 days a week. I would also probably find it depressing! I could easily fill and understand a day a week but taking half the week to relax.. unless you have mental health difficulties, that just seems lazy

My daughter had to go back to work when her child was 6 months old. I was still working and she lived an hour away anyway so my grandchild went to an excellent nursery 5 days a week, 8 to 6. There was no alternative. Grandchild is now a sociable, eat anything, outgoing 12-year old.

Seems unfair on your husband/partner if you get 3 days to just sit around while he is working. Why don't you both work part time a put the baby in childcare for 3 days so you both get the benefit.

I dont think its selfish, your baby will benefit from it, I.e social interaction with other adults and children.

@User17930472 my little girl goes to nursery three mornings a week and I got myself a part time job so I could have something to keep my mind active. My husband is deployed so I’m entirely on my own all the time. Having a break for myself 100% makes me a better parent. She spends three days a week outside at a forest nursery having a lovely time too.

Maybe I’d have made a different choice if I hadn’t had a baby during a pandemic. Judgemental comments like yours have the potential to have a really negative effect on the mental health of women who have had babies in a difficult time with little to no support. Maybe try having a little compassion. If OP or women like her need a break from being locked in the house with a newborn after a year, they should be allowed one.

If the baby settles well then go for it! If they don't settle and are crying at drop off etc. then I would stop and try again when they're a bit older. I was a SAHM and sent my DC two days per week when they were 2.5 and 13 months. They settled straight away and it kept my sanity. If they had been upset going I wouldn't have been able to do it though.

I don't actually think it's majorly beneficial to them under 2 it really was only for myself I was doing it but they were happy to go so it was worth it.

I think it's totally fine to use paid-for childcare from the age of one for 3 days a week. I did it so I could go to work but I'm not kidding myself - a large part of me needed to go back to work for my mental health and not the money. I used a great nursery and the DC both thrived there. However you can't really call yourself a SAHM if you are outsourcing your childcare.

@ChocOrange1 mothers bear the brunt of pregnancy, childbirth, night feeds... it may well be that OP does the lion’s share of childcare, so is fully entitled to this time. Not that I think she needs this reason to do so.

@partyatthepalace Yes, absolutely. I gave up a very good career with a good salary and pension to become a SAHM.

I now wish I could go back to the same career and the same pay, but things have moved on 20 years in the meantime. I hate having no money now.

However: if I could go back and do it all again, I don't think I'd do anything differently. I partly think (and I realise this probably sounds ridiculous) that everything I put into the children when they were pre-school ages is now being repaid in that the world is their oyster, but they have that completely rock-solid foundation of knowing that they were the absolute be-all and end-all for years and years. Not in a 'spoiling' sort of way (I'm pretty strict, and have never gone in for material stuff) - but I can still tell now if something's amiss with one of them by the way they are breathing. It's slightly different from 'normal' breathing. This comes from being with them every single minute for many, many years.

Moreover, if someone said I could swap lives with anyone, I would swap lives with myself when the DC were little. It was by several light years the nicest phase of my life.

So, however difficult things are now, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I also realise this isn't everyone's cup of tea, though.

@User17930472

I can’t stand to hear people who want their child to be at nursery when there is no need, particularly at such a young age. I know people will think I am unreasonable to say that but it is the truth. What did you think having a baby would be? Why bother if you only ever wanted to be part time through choice?

Honestly bet you don’t think that about men who don’t want to be a SAHP- also you can love your child, love spending time with them and still find 7 days a week with such energy filled beings too much. We are humans too- sometimes the endless mummy mummy mummy and not being able to wee in peace can get to us.