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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send my 12 month old to nursery 3 days a week when I’m a SAHM?

300 replies

merrynelly · 15/03/2021 15:33

We are in a very fortunate position financially that I don’t have to work and we can afford nursery fees. I have found being with my beautiful baby all day every day extremely tough. I’m permanently exhausted, lacking sleep and therefore feel I am not doing my best with him.

He is not 12 months yet but I am planning ahead. I would’ve liked him to go to nursery one day a week but the nursery I like does a minimum of 3 days and I read that one day a week is too little time for the child to truly settle in.

I feel awful that in my privileged position I am contemplating sending him to nursery, when I know really he will want to be with me. But I’m just not SAHM material. I fear I will just end up sitting him in front of the TV. In my time off aside from catching up on sleep and chores, I hope to at some point later do a qualification as I do want to get back into the workplace, but that will probably be a few years down the line.

I just wondered if what I am considering is unreasonable, unheard of, terrible parenting and I’m open to all opinions.

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 15/03/2021 18:19

3 full days is unnecessary and your 1 year old wont really gain much from it. Could they do 3 mornings instead?
But really I would advise waiting till the toddler groups and activities start up again, it won't be long now.
Also what does your partner think of your plan? Is he on board with baby being in Nursery 3 full days?

Pantheon · 15/03/2021 18:20

I think do what's best for you as a family. If probably look for half days in your position, personally. I'd also say I have enjoyed being a sahm more to a toddler than a baby mainly because you get some sleep and you see the little person really come into their own. When they walk and talk and you can do lots of activities. This year must have been rubbish with no play groups or baby classes but that should hopefully change soon.

MrsToadlike · 15/03/2021 18:20

Personally I would do it. I only work part-time and I'm lucky that my OH and mum help out with childcare (my mum lives alone so we're in a support bubble with her), but I'm currently looking at nurseries for my 18 month old. Not because we need it for childcare as such but because DC getting to that age where they need more stimulation than I can provide, plus the chance to spend more time with peers.

You don't have to always think of nurseries as being 'childcare whilst mum and dad work'.

bonitasi · 15/03/2021 18:21

You could try 3 mornings? Then build up to the full days that's what I did ( 2 rather than 3 though) however if we could afford a 3rd day I probably would.

Don't feel guilty for using childcare if you aren't at work, you still need a break & it will do your toddler good for some interaction.

I work 25 hours per week ( 2 X 12.5 hour shifts) I either work Tuesday Friday sat or sun

My son goes to nursery Tuesday and Friday

So some weeks I do have the Tuesday or Friday off which is bliss to have that day to myself, especially as I'm 10 weeks pregnant and having all day nausea which is exhausting.

Chocsmyfav · 15/03/2021 18:32

MuddleMoo
Your point is exactly? I’m talking about a 12 month old child not school aged.

Chocsmyfav · 15/03/2021 18:34

MuddleMoo
Do you always look through peoples threads? How creepy

Kittykat93 · 15/03/2021 18:36

Hes only 1, I do honestly think 3 full days when you're at home is too much. Hes still so little.

00deed1988 · 15/03/2021 18:46

Depending on what you want to gain qualifications in, could you start now.

I planned on being a SAHM for a few years and then retrain in another profession once he started school. After a few months it was obvious I was not made for it and my mental health was suffering big time.

When my son was a year I enrolled in an access course then went onto university, he was in nursery 3 days a week while I did this. It meant by the time he started school I was much closer to finishing uni and when he was in year 1 I qualified and was ready to start work in my dream job. If I had of waited I would have only been in my 2nd year right now whereas I am earning a good wage and can save lots of money to spoil the kids with holidays/big days out and we enjoy our quality time together much more.

Either way, no YANBU as it is much harder work looking after a toddler than anyone realises.

riotlady · 15/03/2021 18:47

Some of these comments are ridiculous! What’s the point in having a child? Well presumably the other 140 odd hours that they’re at home each week Hmm

Anyway, go for it OP. I would do slightly shorter days than 9-5 or whatever the nursery is open for as I think sometimes it’s a lot for little ones but otherwise crack on.

AlwaysLatte · 15/03/2021 18:52

I'm a SAHM and my son went to preschool one morning a week when he was just under 2, to give me a quiet time to do my paperwork etc.

Idontbelieveit12 · 15/03/2021 18:55

I wouldn’t not 3 full days for a 1 year old.

Bourbonbiccy · 15/03/2021 18:55

If you are not SAHM material then definitely put them in nursery, it will be best for you and best for your child and that is all that matters.

ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown · 15/03/2021 18:56

You will then be a housewife basically, for those three days. I saw nursery as a necessary evil for my dc as we were at work (part time) I can't imagine doing it so I could be a - what? But then I would not wish to ever not have a job or be so reliant on a man for everything.
The easiest way to get a job "in the future" would be to train or get a job now!
Nursery for three year olds is a different kettle of fish.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/03/2021 18:58

Meh.....we aren't all built to be SAHMs.

I wouldnt not work though.

ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown · 15/03/2021 18:58

I also wouldn't judge what it would be like to be at home with a toddler by what it's been like to be at home with a baby during Covid.
I'd spend the money on a cleaner and a gym with a crèche (do they still exist?) that you could use on a much more casual basis than a nursery.

foreverchangingmyname · 15/03/2021 18:59

Go for it! I'm furloughed atm but kept mine at their childminders full time. I'm studying as well but have Mondays off. I still send them in. It gives me time to catch up, whether that be uni work, house work or sleep.
My ds was born just before the pandemic hit so he had no knowledge of anyone besides me, dp and dd. I was terrified when he started that he'd be clingy (dd had been at nursery for a year and a half already) but it's done them both the world of good. Especially with lockdown I think it's good to have some routine which we definitely did not have when we were all home. Also makes evenings/weekends etc so much more enjoyable because I have the energy and patience for them. Being a SAHM just isn't for me and that's okay

sipsmith1 · 15/03/2021 18:59

I intended to be a SAHM but could not hack it, I think lockdown added to this.

My little girl (9 months) goes to nursery three mornings a week and I got a little job working for the parish council for something to do. I’m massively overqualified for it but I have really benefited from having something to do.

FilthyforFirth · 15/03/2021 19:04

I wouldnt. I am very pro nursery but that is because I needed to work. I do find it very odd that you wont be working or looking after your child for half the week. What does DH think?

Squashiesaremyfav · 15/03/2021 19:06

I think people just put these posts up to cause an argument. People have their opinions. Just like the breast feeding in the park thread.

MiddlesexGirl · 15/03/2021 19:07

My dc went to nursery one day a week and were absolutely fine.
Except my last dc who didn't go to nursery at all and is the most outgoing of the lot.

user64332 · 15/03/2021 19:08

No way. And I don't see how people are comparing it to school, this is an infant. Do you know nothing about attachment theory? There is a reason nursery isn't funded for infants and that is because they are better being with their primary carer at this age. 3 full days is a LOT for a baby when their primary carer is at home not working.

Misspacorabanne · 15/03/2021 19:09

I think it's ok to send to nursery, but I agree 3 full days seems alot for a one year old if you are just at home, I think fine if re training or working, but I honestly think a child that young would benefit more from being with you if you don't need to work! Will other nurseries let you do less sessions per week? I know it's hard, maybe a day and a half would be a nice compromise? Does your child still nap each day? You could use that time to relax/house chores too?

WhoAreYah · 15/03/2021 19:09

Do it.

Do short days, and use your time wisely.

Then focus on him when he’s home.

FishWithoutABike · 15/03/2021 19:09

When I read the title I thought YABU but then after reading your post I think YANBU. However be prepared for possible comments and judgement from friends/family/in laws

Squashiesaremyfav · 15/03/2021 19:13

riotlady
No all the comments aren’t ridiculous, just because you don’t agree, dosent make the other posts in the wrong. Everyone has an opinion, the poster put up a question on a public anonymous forum.