In-laws not bothering on mother’s day

[Kkpab86]

Ok please don’t shoot me....
Before I make a complete tit out of myself I just wanted to ask your opinions on whether in-laws should acknowledge Mother’s Day? For the sake of brevity I’ll keep it short;
It’s my first Mother’s Day, DD is 5 months old and like many mothers I went through the whole of pregnancy alone and the last 5 months alone - as in no help/support bubbles from family. I have no parents and my dear aunt, the closest person to a mother, sadly died of cancer 2 months ago. I just thought with everything my DH and I have been through this past year that they would at least make some sort of an effort/acknowledge me as a new mother to their only grandchild? Am I being unreasonable? The funny thing is it was DH who brought it up and the more I think about it the sadder I feel.
Thank you.

I think your expectations are to high. Why would your in laws, or indeed your parents if they were alive do anything? You are not their mother

Your dh is responsible for both his mother, and the baby getting something for you

I would expect them to wish you happy Mother's day. This is what I do to my mum, mil, mum friends, sister. We dont limit it to our own Mothers. Its just general mother appreciation.

When you have a baby, it's the job of the dad to acknowledge you.

Sorry you've had a hard year op and that the mean girls have joined your thread desperate to drag you down with them in their race to the bottom.

YABU, its not for your ILs responsibility to do something on mother's day for you , its your DHs responsibility to organise something on behalf or with your DCs depending on their age.
As long as DH has remembered and organised something for you then that is all good😊
( there will be many threads on here later from Mums whose DH/DC have not remembered or done anything at all)

I wouldn’t expect them to do anything to make your Mother’s Day special, that’s for your DH and child to arrange.

Most of my friends send their MIL a card and flowers/chocolates, or before lockdown maybe you and DH would take MIL out for afternoon tea (celebrating both of you being mothers)?

I can understand why you’re upset after all you’ve been through however, it’s your DH who should be making a fuss of you on behalf of your DD. You and him in turn should be making a fuss of your MIL, not the other way around.

Plus it’s only 9am so at least give the chance to wake up and wipe the cold out of their eyes, just because a 5 months old has you up at dawn doesn’t mean everybody else is awake!

@Travis1

In the nicest way possible Mother’s Day is about your children acknowledging you not other people. So your DH should be making you feel special on behalf of your baby and not your in laws.

This. Also always remember every family has its own rhythms and rituals, different things that they place more emphasis on. Now that you have your own lovely little family, you can start building your own! 😊 (I've always been a bit ambivalent about Mothers Day since I lost my own mum).

I'm sorry you've had a rough time. Things will start getting better for us all very soon. 💐

I’m sorry, I don’t see why they would either. Don’t set them up by expecting it when it would not have occurred to them and then being disappointed.

It would be unusual for pils to make a fuss over you in Mother's Day tbh.

As your baby is too little to sort himself it should be your DH who is making sure you have a card and gift from baby. That is very much the norm ime.

Wowsers... Seems like a lot of people woke up on the wrong side of the bed today!!

OP I understand what you mean, you werent after a fanfare or expensive gifts. Just a little acknowledgment of your first mothers day.

I suspect you ans your in-laws just thibk differently about this. I wouldnt think this was an intentional slight against you but rather an effort to not overstep and the assumption your DH has ensured the day is well and truly marked for you!

DH should be 'helping' your child to celebrate the day with you.

As a baby, that probably means giving you some flowers or a card. As child gets a bit older, it probably means helping them to make a card.

I don't think the ILs have any role to play in it (apart from DH sending his Mum a gift).

No you are massively misunderstanding what Mother’s Day is. It is not for all relatives to acknowledge people in their families that have given birth. It is for children to acknowledge their mothers, in the case of a child too young to do this, the other parent may do it in proxy for the child. Mother’s Day is nothing to do with your MIL, other than hopefully your husband has done something for his mother.

Thank you @GingersHaveSoulsToo. Maybe I didn’t articulate it well and should’ve written I more pertinent title - you have pretty much summed up exactly what I should’ve written in the post. Thank you. Have a lovely day x

*in-laws not MIL.

Sorry but I agree with others, your husband should be the one marking the day and ma,I guess you feel special not others.

I'm really sorry you've had a tough year. I class myself as quite a thoughtful person, but it honestly would not occur to me at all to get a DIL a card for Mother's Day, your DH (and possibly you if you have that kind of relationship) should be getting her a card, and then it's up to your DH, on your child's behalf l, to make a fuss of you.

@PotteringAlong

Actually, there’s another point in your OP - you say WE have send mil step mil cards etc. I think that in itself is unusual.

I’ve send my mum a card and flowers, but just from me. She not my DH’s mother. Likewise I’m not on his card.

We always send cards from the whole family to be fair. Most people I know do.

So my mum received a card and gift from me, Dh and dd. Likewise MIL received a card from Dh, me and Dd.

That's the norm here and what my family (and dh's family) did growing up too.

You are not their mother. I don't personally understand getting cards or gifts on behalf of a baby either, though I know it is common. I'm a single parent though. For me it's about my own mother and grandmother, and between my child and me.

I was with you until you mentioned that you had a husband so you’re not actually alone. Much as you have lost family and that’s sad, you have your own family which is exciting for your future and it’s for husband to make you feel appreciated on Mother’s Day and soon it will be baby making you cards too. It will come. Happy Mother’s Day to you! I’ve made myself a special coffee and I’ll try to treat myself extra kindly today.

I get on well with my in-laws but I’d think they were on glue if they did something for me on Mother’s Day. That’s really not their job.

What strikes me on this thread (and I am not criticising anyone here) is that there is a lot of “Mother’s Day is for....”, “Mother’s Day is about.....”

But what this thread clearly shows is that there ARE no hard and fast rules for how the day should be observed.

Some of us think it is solely for children to celebrate their own mother, and that’s fine.

Some of us think it is an opportunity to celebrate the mother’s/women we know in general, and that’s fine.

It was originally a Christian festival I believe (I used to know the origins and can’t remember, but I am sure it was initially a church thing). So for some of us this might be its primary significance, and that’s fine.

Some of us think it’s an over-commercialised waste of time and money, and that’s fine too.

OP obviously had different expectations to her ILs as to what the day is about, and that’s made her a little sad. Which is understandable, especially given the year she has gone through.

I am concerned now that we have upset OP further and she has gone away. Please come back, OP, and don’t be sad! Xxx

@MrsFin

Mothers' Day is for children to acknowledge their mothers.

I don't get all the "DH didn't get me a card" crap.

Actually, I don't get all the Mothers' Day crap anyway. It's banned from our house. The DCs show me they love me in so many ways, every day. I don't need them to waste their money on over priced, plastic wrapped flowers on one day a year.

I completely agree with this and it’s how we grew up too. I just told the DC I don’t need anything to feel special , DD brought me tea in bed and it’s the simple things we do for each other all the time I love and no expectation.

I know everyone feels differently though OP and perhaps you could gently talk to your DH , though I’ve never heard of IL’s celebrating Mother’s Day (only DH doing something for them, usually)

Why did your husband bring it up? What an peculiar thing to do. He mentioned it to you, why couldn't he have mentioned it to them instead of making you feel more shit than you do already given a very hard few months.

Sorry you're upset. The expectation that his parents should do something for you is unreasonable, it's up to your husband not your in laws and he should not have mentioned it.

Oh sorry, no, she’s back. That’s good!

As someone else has said. You are not their mother!!

I think in some other countries it is more about acknowledging motherhood generally, so other people will send cards (eg parents, inlaws) to the mother; but here it is traditionally just the child who treats their own mother.