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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws not bothering on mother’s day

350 replies

Kkpab86 · 14/03/2021 08:22

Ok please don’t shoot me....
Before I make a complete tit out of myself I just wanted to ask your opinions on whether in-laws should acknowledge Mother’s Day? For the sake of brevity I’ll keep it short;
It’s my first Mother’s Day, DD is 5 months old and like many mothers I went through the whole of pregnancy alone and the last 5 months alone - as in no help/support bubbles from family. I have no parents and my dear aunt, the closest person to a mother, sadly died of cancer 2 months ago. I just thought with everything my DH and I have been through this past year that they would at least make some sort of an effort/acknowledge me as a new mother to their only grandchild? Am I being unreasonable? The funny thing is it was DH who brought it up and the more I think about it the sadder I feel.
Thank you.

OP posts:
JackieWeaverFever · 14/03/2021 08:41

The OPs mother died recently please stop being awful to her.

Tbh I thought this thread would be about in laws making it about them ie. insisting you visit or host and cook a fancy meal, bring flowers /gifts blah blah

Your mother dying must have been incredibly hard Flowers and is maybe skewing your perception.

What you should ask yourself is: What is your DH doing for you (his beloved grieving wife and mother of his child) and his own mother (who has loved and cared for him for decades)???

your husband sounds bananas here.

Tinydinosaur · 14/03/2021 08:41

It would have been nice but unusual. It's your husbands job to acknowledge you as the mother of his child.

icanboogieboogiewoogie · 14/03/2021 08:42

That's weird. I would never expect anyone other than (DH on behalf of) my DC to acknowledge Mother's Day for me. We sent flowers to my mum and MIL but don't expect anything back.

Randomly though, my brother sent me a gift on my first Mother's Day which was sweet but very surprising.

Howshouldibehave · 14/03/2021 08:42

No, Mothering Sunday is not a time for in laws to send you a card-you are not their mother.

It would honestly never occur to me to expect this from my MIL.

peak2021 · 14/03/2021 08:42

I think your DH could have suggested if the PILs can visit (depending on where you are in the UK) or something such as flowers.

Doodlepip23 · 14/03/2021 08:42

Enjoy the day OP with your baby, have extra cuddles and go for a walk with her. I lost my DM when I was pregnant and my first Mother’s Day was so special with my then baby DD. Today is about you and her, your in laws don’t need to be involved Flowers

saraclara · 14/03/2021 08:42

Sorry OP. I skimmed your post and missed that your loss was so recent. I was way too blunt in my earlier post. While you are BU, my self centred comment was unreasonable. You are grieving, so today must be very tough for you. My apologies.

DancingQueen85 · 14/03/2021 08:43

YABU
I've never heard of anyone's in-laws acknowledging them on Mother's Day. This is for your partner to do until your baby is old enough to do something themselves. Sorry to hear about your own Mum, this must be a hard day for you and expect that might be clouding your judgment

whenwillthemadnessend · 14/03/2021 08:43

No A few kind words with the circumstances maybe but nothing more

Hope you are ok

It's dh second Mother's Day with his mum too and it's tough.

Littlepaws18 · 14/03/2021 08:44

@Kkpab86

Whoa whoa ladies what’s with all the mean messages? I never said I expected them to make a fuss of me on Mother’s Day, but just asked whether the first one should be acknowledged like with a card. We’ve sent both mil and step mil flowers, choccies and card. It’s my first Mother’s Day but thanks for putting me in my place!
No one is being mean! You just have the absolute wrong idea about what Mother's Day is! It's nothing to do with your in laws and everything to do with your husband! You get one card, your husband has to buy it and also buy one for his mom- and arrange some flowers or a small gift. That's it, do not bring it up with your mil because you are bring unreasonable! Now happy Mother's Day! Enjoy being pampered by your husband!
rookiemere · 14/03/2021 08:44

OP I think the harsh answers are coming from your thread title. It feels very much as if you and your DH are judging them for not acknowledging Mother's Day, whereas posters are pointing out that it is an unusual expectation to think that they would.

saraclara · 14/03/2021 08:45

It is only 8:45am though. It seems very early to make assumptions about how your PILs are responding to mothers day.

MiaowMiaow99 · 14/03/2021 08:45

Has your DH organised something for you too though?
I do find it odd that he brought the concept up? 'Hmmm wonder if my DPs will acknowledge your first MD? And then you popping on AIBU by 8am to state your disappointment that they didn't.
The poor buggers are probably still in bed!
(And traditionally it's a day for children (or DH's) to thank their mums)

GoryGilmore · 14/03/2021 08:46

I’m a bit on the fence with this one.

My IL’s have never acknowledged me on Mother’s Day either. It would be lovely if they did (my own parents send me a card and get me a nice plant each year), but they don’t and that’s fine, I’m not their mum.

However, I now also don’t acknowledge them on Mother’s or Father’s Day, I leave it entirely up to my DH, because in my mind it works both ways; they’re not my mum/dad either so why should I celebrate their role as parents when they’re not mine.

They’re not great in laws anyway and don’t treat me particularly well, we will never be close or friendly. I tried for many years to build a relationship with them but they’re just not interested. So now I just follow their lead and treat them exactly how they treat me.

SavoyCabbage · 14/03/2021 08:46

No, they shouldn't send you a card. Your dh should send his mother and his step mother something and he should organise something for you now too as you are a mother as well.

I've always made sure my Mothers Day is about me and my own children. I send my mother a card and flowers from me. I don't put my dc's name on as she's not their mother. She's mine.

user68901 · 14/03/2021 08:48

It's your dh who should be sending card and/or flowers to his mum and sorting out something from your baby to you.

BlaBlaSmthSmth · 14/03/2021 08:50

@saraclara

I've never heard of parents acknowledging mother's Day to their children, let alone in-laws.

Nor me. You sound incredibly self-centred OP.

OP doesn't sound "incredibly self centred" what are you talking about?

While I agree a card would be coming from the child (or father if the child is very young), loving families will surely acknowledge a special day for you. It is my sisters first Mother's Day today and I have wished her a happy Mother's Day and will wish my BIL a happy first Father's Day too.
That being said it is still early maybe they will wish you a happy Mother's Day later on.

Enjoy your special day with baby and HAPPY MOTHERS DAY 🤗 💐

Howshouldibehave · 14/03/2021 08:50

The funny thing is it was DH who brought it up

What did he say?

mistermagpie · 14/03/2021 08:51

I think you're bring a bit silly.

I have three children and not a single family member of my own. My in-laws have never once acknowledged me in Mother's Day as 'the mother of their grandchildren' because, frankly, that would be weird. I don't do anything for MIL either, she's fine but we're not close and she's not my mum.

My DH sorts MD stuff for me because our kids are little, and also for his mum because she's his mum.

The only person who needs to be making a fuss of you today is your DH in my opinion. Hopefully he will.

LazyDaisy22 · 14/03/2021 08:51

YABVU You are not your in-laws’ mother so why should they be celebrating you on Mother’s Day? How is your DH marking the day for you and his mother?

GingersHaveSoulsToo · 14/03/2021 08:52

I think it is not unreasonable for your family (that includes your pils) to understand that your first ever mother’s day when you have lost your own is bitter sweet. That you have lost another loved mother figure recently adds to this. For me it isn’t that they should be celebrating mother’s day for you but you are not unreasonable to think they might have concern for you on today and acknowledge that.

This isn’t about them celebrating your mother’s day. It is about your loss of important women in your life while celebrating your own role. I know what it feels like. Various people didn’t ‘celebrate ‘ my first mother’s day but they did check in on how I was feeling. Those saying it is about up the generations- it’s hard when that isn’t there for you as you have no mother. When you have lost your mum it becomes a hard day. If you then become a mum it is a different event compared to those who have gone through their first mother’s day with their child AND a mother. Remember she has been through a pregnancy without her actual mother and then lost an important mother figure.

I am so sorry for your loss and I understand how strange today will be for you. Big hug from me. Xx

FelicityPike · 14/03/2021 08:52

@Kkpab86

Whoa whoa ladies what’s with all the mean messages? I never said I expected them to make a fuss of me on Mother’s Day, but just asked whether the first one should be acknowledged like with a card. We’ve sent both mil and step mil flowers, choccies and card. It’s my first Mother’s Day but thanks for putting me in my place!
No, your first Mother’s Day doesn’t need to be acknowledged by anyone apart from your baby’s dad. HTH.
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/03/2021 08:52

I’d never expect it from in-laws, no.
Until children are old enough to make or buy a card, it’s entirely down to the dad IMO.

maybemu · 14/03/2021 08:53

My baby is 10 months old, also no help from anyone and I wouldn't expect my in-laws to have called me by 8.30. They're probably still asleep. You are probably tired with having a baby and everything you have been through. Try not to let it upset you and it is more about you and your little family now. It is for your husband to celebrate and as your baby gets older the child.

PotteringAlong · 14/03/2021 08:53

Actually, there’s another point in your OP - you say WE have send mil step mil cards etc. I think that in itself is unusual.

I’ve send my mum a card and flowers, but just from me. She not my DH’s mother. Likewise I’m not on his card.