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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws not bothering on mother’s day

350 replies

Kkpab86 · 14/03/2021 08:22

Ok please don’t shoot me....
Before I make a complete tit out of myself I just wanted to ask your opinions on whether in-laws should acknowledge Mother’s Day? For the sake of brevity I’ll keep it short;
It’s my first Mother’s Day, DD is 5 months old and like many mothers I went through the whole of pregnancy alone and the last 5 months alone - as in no help/support bubbles from family. I have no parents and my dear aunt, the closest person to a mother, sadly died of cancer 2 months ago. I just thought with everything my DH and I have been through this past year that they would at least make some sort of an effort/acknowledge me as a new mother to their only grandchild? Am I being unreasonable? The funny thing is it was DH who brought it up and the more I think about it the sadder I feel.
Thank you.

OP posts:
Crappyfridays7 · 14/03/2021 08:53

I think you’re feeling it as you’ve no mum to celebrate with and your aunt passed recently. In our family Mother’s Day is a celebration so we can all get together and do something nice. But my children would make me a card/their dad would buy one or whatever and I do the same for my mum etc
. so really your dh should be stepping up for you to make it special.

Congrats on becoming a mum op, enjoy your day with your lovely baby x

greengrey · 14/03/2021 08:53

Nope it's nothing to do with them. You DH should be presumably send his mum a card that's it.

Your DH should then be acknowledging Mother's Day with you and you baby.

My DH did naff all on my first
Mother's Day - I didn't even get a lie in. His reasoning was that the baby was too young!

Lovelydiscusfish · 14/03/2021 08:54

@saraclara

I've never heard of parents acknowledging mother's Day to their children, let alone in-laws.

Nor me. You sound incredibly self-centred OP.

Calling her “incredibly self-centered” seems like a bit of a leap - she’s clearly been having a rough time of it......

I think my attitude towards Mother’s Day is unusual, and possibly relates to the fact that I used to be a church-goer, and in the churches I attended it was a big deal and an opportunity to celebrate all mothers, and indeed all women really.

So I do usually text all my female friends and family who are mothers to wish them a happy Mother’s Day, and especially someone who is a new mum.

Having said that I don’t do more than text - I wouldn’t organise gifts for them or anything like that.

My own mom wished me a happy Mother’s Day just now.

So I think it depends what you were hoping they would do, really. I wouldn’t expect a massive fuss, but some acknowledgement that it’s your first Mother’s Day would be nice. But maybe they don’t really observe the day?

If you get on with them well otherwise I wouldn’t take it personally.

Aneley · 14/03/2021 08:54

I don't think you're BU for expecting them to acknowledge Mother's Day.
Where I come from we don't celebrate Mother's Day and while I make sure to congratulate it to my MIL, I never expected I'd receive anything when I (finally) became a mum (also their only GC). However, my MIL sent me a lovely card for the second year in a row. It is a small gesture of attention, a nice text message would have been more than enough as well.

Knitterbabe · 14/03/2021 08:54

So much fuss over nothing! Like Valentine’s day, it’s a commercial
Opportunity. If you chose to celebrate it’s for people to give gifts etc to their mother, not their daughter in law. Many, many of us have lost our mothers; understandably you are sad about that, so spend some time thinking if her and not how hard done by you are.

cptartapp · 14/03/2021 08:55

It's nothing to do with your in laws, first Mother's Day or not. It's a day for children to acknowledge their mothers. I don't even put my name on MIL card from DH. She's not my mother.
I've lost my DM too and have never had a card from anyone other than my DC over the years.

Lovelydiscusfish · 14/03/2021 08:55

@Kkpab86

Whoa whoa ladies what’s with all the mean messages? I never said I expected them to make a fuss of me on Mother’s Day, but just asked whether the first one should be acknowledged like with a card. We’ve sent both mil and step mil flowers, choccies and card. It’s my first Mother’s Day but thanks for putting me in my place!
Don’t let the nasty replies on here upset you OP. Some people just like being mean to strangers’ on the internet. It’s no reflection on you. Xxx
TokyoSushi · 14/03/2021 08:56

Kindly OP, Mother's Day goes up a generation, so your DH should do for his mother, and he should also do for you until your DC are old enough to do it themselves. Anything from anybody else is nice, but quite unusual. Hope you're ok Flowers

Whatnameisgood · 14/03/2021 08:56

Oh you poor thing. Your first Mother’s Day as a new mother, having lost all your parent figures. I think that’s hard, and I can see why it’s painful. I remember my first birthday after my mother died. She was great at birthdays and made a big fuss. My DP was utterly crap - pretty much just wished me happy birthday - and it just made me miss her even more. It’s not for your in laws to fill that hole, but I can see why you’re sad. I hope your DH makes a bit of a fuss of you. Ps your in laws might even feel a bit awkward about Mother’s Day, knowing you’ve lost your own mother, so worth letting this one go if you can, or you could end up resentful

Justmuddlingalong · 14/03/2021 08:57

Why did DH bring it up? He's passing the buck. Any marking of mother's day is his job, not his parents. What a bizarre assumption.

Starstella21 · 14/03/2021 08:57

OP whilst I agree that it is the place of your DH and not your In laws I feel for you massively as mother's day for those of us who don't have their mothers is awful, throw a new baby into the mix born in a pandemic and the very recent loss of your mother figure this must be a very hard day for you and you will be feeling lots of grief/anger/sadness and it is just a general headfuck.
I lost my mum at 16 and despite my 2 DC I still pretty much hate Mother's Day and do my best to get through it (usually involves wine but alas 20 weeks pregnant this year so no can do).
It took my DP a few years to get Mother's Day right for me so defo didn't really get the message right away other than I hated it which I think he didn't really know what to do with tbf. My kids are now at an age where they actively want to celebrate MD with me (they are usually over it by 9am 🤣) and they do make me enjoy it marginally more now than previous MD years gone by.
I hope that your DH learns quickly how this day works best for you. Xx

VinterKvinna · 14/03/2021 08:57

@Kkpab86

Whoa whoa ladies what’s with all the mean messages? I never said I expected them to make a fuss of me on Mother’s Day, but just asked whether the first one should be acknowledged like with a card. We’ve sent both mil and step mil flowers, choccies and card. It’s my first Mother’s Day but thanks for putting me in my place!
You've sent your mothers card etc. They are your mothers, you are not theirs...
shouldistop · 14/03/2021 08:57

I'm sorry you've had such a hard year Thanks

I agree with others that it's for your dh to do something for you today though.

seven201 · 14/03/2021 08:57

My mum died before I became a mum too. It never occurred to me that PIL would do anything. I wouldn't have expected it from them at all. It was my DH's card to write a card from the baby, that's it. They didn't do anything on Father's Day either, nor would we expect them to. It's the other way round. Appreciating them on that day.

crystalcherry87 · 14/03/2021 08:58

It's not up to them to do anything really, it's up to your DH to make the day special for you. My own mum will give me a card and present for my kids to give to me, but that's because I was a single mum for years and otherwise wouldn't get anything and even now I'm married and my DH gets me the main presents off the kids, the tradition just stuck and my mum still gets me a card and box of chocolates off the kids and they will give her something too of course. I wouldn't expect anything from in laws though.

fluffi · 14/03/2021 08:58

YABU. I'm sorry for your difficult circumstances and you will fill sad today as Mothers Day without your own parental figures.

Sounds like DH forgot it was Mothers Day, his own parents didn't remind him (and there is no reason why they should) so he's trying to shift responsibility to his own parents for not reminding him.

ApolloandDaphne · 14/03/2021 08:58

I am very sorry you lost your own DM, I rather think this is clouding your judgement. I feel sure your in laws won't have even thought about sending you a Mother's Day card as this would be highly unusual. It is up to your DH to acknowledge it on behalf of your baby.

Shoxfordian · 14/03/2021 08:58

Has your dh got you a card or a present? It’s his job really until your child is old enough to do it themselves. Nothing really to do with your in-laws

JoyOrbison · 14/03/2021 08:59

Has your dh raised it in the expectation they will do something so he doesn't have to? Hope not because if so that is exceptionally shit.

Whatnameisgood · 14/03/2021 08:59

I also think it’s worth remembering the origins of Mothering Sunday, when servants etc would get to go home to their mother church, and so see their families. It’s become an opportunity for business to sell stuff so I don’t think it’s really worth getting hung up about

BlaBlaSmthSmth · 14/03/2021 09:03

Calling her “incredibly self-centered” seems like a bit of a leap - she’s clearly been having a rough time of it......

I think my attitude towards Mother’s Day is unusual, and possibly relates to the fact that I used to be a church-goer, and in the churches I attended it was a big deal and an opportunity to celebrate all mothers, and indeed all women really.

So I do usually text all my female friends and family who are mothers to wish them a happy Mother’s Day, and especially someone who is a new mum.

Having said that I don’t do more than text - I wouldn’t organise gifts for them or anything like that.

My own mom wished me a happy Mother’s Day just now.

So I think it depends what you were hoping they would do, really. I wouldn’t expect a massive fuss, but some acknowledgement that it’s your first Mother’s Day would be nice. But maybe they don’t really observe the day?

If you get on with them well otherwise I wouldn’t take it personally.

You sound lovely @Lovelydiscusfish and you reminded me that my mum and my sister also wished me a happy Mother's Day in return. My SIL also messaged me from the US to wish me a happy Mother's Day.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 14/03/2021 09:04

Sorry you're feeling so low but your DH should be thoughtful enough to arrange a card for you from your baby. I wouldnt expect his parents' to do this. Does he usually send a card to his own mum or dont they do cards? Will you have a call with them today?

Parkperson · 14/03/2021 09:05

I now feel guilty that I haven't done anything for my DIL apart from telling her she is a wonderful mum.
I think if I arranged something it would end up being about me and not her. I would like to think they could enjoy the day on their own as a new family.

jacks11 · 14/03/2021 09:05

YABU. It sounds like you’ve had a difficult time, but I think you’re stewing over something completely unnecessarily. The acknowledgement is from a child to his or her mother- when too young to organise something the child’s father should do so instead. Your parents in law could send something if they wanted to, but it’s not the norm or to be expected.

Though I don’t really understand the whole thing. I find the need for others ‘to make a fuss of me” on various days of the year a bit odd. I know my children (and DH) and my parents love me, I don’t need a card or flowers or a “fuss” today to know that. DC often made a card at school when they were younger, but this is the start of a very busy time of year for us, so it’s not unusual for there to be all hands on deck and a quick “happy Mother’s Day” and that’s it.

I do think it’s become a bit of a marketing gimmick, and what started out as something nice has become something else entirely. It often seems to less to upset when expectations are not met.

WinterRobin · 14/03/2021 09:05

I’m sorry for the lost of your aunt. I’m surprised that your husband has drawn attention to your in laws though. The expectations of Mother’s Day is that your husband should have got something for his mother, and hopefully for you on behalf of your baby, until your baby is old enough to make a card at nursery or school. Did your husband get you a gift ? Maybe some men aren’t very good at this though.