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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws not bothering on mother’s day

350 replies

Kkpab86 · 14/03/2021 08:22

Ok please don’t shoot me....
Before I make a complete tit out of myself I just wanted to ask your opinions on whether in-laws should acknowledge Mother’s Day? For the sake of brevity I’ll keep it short;
It’s my first Mother’s Day, DD is 5 months old and like many mothers I went through the whole of pregnancy alone and the last 5 months alone - as in no help/support bubbles from family. I have no parents and my dear aunt, the closest person to a mother, sadly died of cancer 2 months ago. I just thought with everything my DH and I have been through this past year that they would at least make some sort of an effort/acknowledge me as a new mother to their only grandchild? Am I being unreasonable? The funny thing is it was DH who brought it up and the more I think about it the sadder I feel.
Thank you.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 14/03/2021 12:29

@Kkpab86

Whoa whoa ladies what’s with all the mean messages? I never said I expected them to make a fuss of me on Mother’s Day, but just asked whether the first one should be acknowledged like with a card. We’ve sent both mil and step mil flowers, choccies and card. It’s my first Mother’s Day but thanks for putting me in my place!
I never sent anything to my children on Mothers' Day. They send me a card!
3timeslucky · 14/03/2021 12:30

The only people who should mark Mother's Day for you are your children, and when they're too young themselves their dad should be stepping in.

That's it.

You've had a horrible time and it is good that you asked rather than letting it fester. I hope your dh has done something nice for you and that you enjoy the day with him and your baby.

SilverBirchWithout · 14/03/2021 12:34

Are you saying that your DH is blaming his own parents for the fact that he has not done something himself? Wow!

Lovelydiscusfish · 14/03/2021 12:40

I’m really surprised by all the posters saying “the only person who should mark Mother’s Day” etc etc and things like that.....

Where is the rule-book on how Mother’s Day SHOULD be marked? Isn’t that up for individuals and their families and friends to decide?

People seem to feel really strongly about this too. It’s surprising.

I think maybe everybody should remember they are talking to a new mother who is recently bereaved and obviously feeling a little low.....

If she had phoned up her ILs and said, I hate you, I will never speak to you again over this slight, fine! But she’s just saying she feels a bit sad about it. Hardly the crime of the century. Maybe OP’s family, who she sadly doesn’t have any more, used to celebrate it differently?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 14/03/2021 12:43

@SilverBirchWithout

Are you saying that your DH is blaming his own parents for the fact that he has not done something himself? Wow!
I know, I hope my children don’t think it’s down to me to sort Mother’s Day out for them should they become parents in the future,
Disfordarkchocolate · 14/03/2021 12:44

I think this varies a lot by family. My Mum always made a little fuss of me on Mother's Day when my children were little. My ex-MIL. It would never have occurred to her to think of anyone but herself.

I wish my DIL and lovely MIL a lovely day because and appreciate them so much.

Frazzled2207 · 14/03/2021 12:45

I'm sorry for your situation but I would find it a bit weird if MIL did anything for me on MD - it's Mother's Day for her after all!
Your DH's job to sort something out at least until your children are old enough to do so

cabbageking · 14/03/2021 12:47

I wouldn't expect others to acknowledge mothers day sorry.
Sure you are doing a fab job regardless.

GreyhoundG1rl · 14/03/2021 12:47

Where is the rule-book on how Mother’s Day SHOULD be marked? Isn’t that up for individuals and their families and friends to decide?
😂
It's Mother's Day.
You can devise any variations on it that your little heart desires, but you can't expect all and sundry to indulge you on it.

Particularly when it seems the in-laws in this case haven't even been informed of their pivotal role in op's Mothers Day celebrations.

Hellzbellz25 · 14/03/2021 12:49

Mother's Day should be acknowledged by your child, so obviously until the children can do it themselves.

I often get my mum and mil a granny/nana Mother's Day card from dd as they do some childcare for me and are a female mothering figure to my child, would be really weirded out if mil got me anything from her though

Hellzbellz25 · 14/03/2021 12:50

I meant so obviously DH until the children are old enough themselves

purplecorkheart · 14/03/2021 12:50

You are not their Mom though. It is up to your DH to do something for you on behalf of your child. To be fair to your in laws it probably has crossed their mind (quite rightly).

anxiouscrazymum · 14/03/2021 12:50

Did you send your MIL a card for her first Mother's Day? I am guessing the answer is no!!
You are a mum and until your child is old enough your DH should be providing Mother's Day appreciation to you.
I think expecting recognition from them is unfair and not required

drumandthebass · 14/03/2021 12:51

YABU. It has nothing to do in-laws. Your partner should be acknowledging it on behalf of your child.

kowari · 14/03/2021 12:51

@Lovelydiscusfish The OP asked if it was unreasonable to expect PILs to acknowledge mothers day. The answers were mostly that it wasn't the usual expection. It isn't going to help her to set her up to expect something more than what is typical, a card or a small present from the child, or the father of a young child.

Italiangreyhound · 14/03/2021 12:51

I'm so sorry for your loss.

YANBU for feeling disappointed that your in-laws are not doing more to support you - do they understand how great the loss of your aunt is to you?

It's really for your DH to do the special 'Mother's day' stuff.

However, if you were my daughter-in-law, I would make a special effort for you.

rookiemere · 14/03/2021 12:55

What has your DH done for you and for his DM for Mother's day OP ?

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/03/2021 12:58

Sorry for your losses

As others have said it’s up to your dh and father of your child to make a fuss of you on behalf of your child

Not your in laws

soditall56 · 14/03/2021 12:59

@Kkpab86

Whoa whoa ladies what’s with all the mean messages? I never said I expected them to make a fuss of me on Mother’s Day, but just asked whether the first one should be acknowledged like with a card. We’ve sent both mil and step mil flowers, choccies and card. It’s my first Mother’s Day but thanks for putting me in my place!
Some posts on here at completely brutal!

It's my first MD too and I've had messages from sister and best friend today. Wouldn't expect gifts from them but it was nice that they acknowledged the occasion Daffodil

Worldwide2 · 14/03/2021 13:11

Yabvu
It's not down to your in laws to spoil you or acknowledge you as a mum on mother's day. You are not their mother. That's down to your dh to do on behalf of your dc until they are old enough to do something themselves. Enjoy your day.

HazelWong · 14/03/2021 13:11

Slightly confised by the references to the "mean" or "brutal" responses, I can only see one that applies to. Most people have just given their opinion. I don't think it's particularly nice or helpful to encourage the OP to see offence in her in laws not doing something that the vast majority of people wouldn't have seen as the norm.

MiaowMiaow99 · 14/03/2021 13:18

SilverBirchWithout

Are you saying that your DH is blaming his own parents for the fact that he has not done something himself? Wow!

This is how I'm seeing it. DH has done nothing, (as he sees it as wife work) and passed the blame onto MIL.

If true, what a peach.

Saharafordessert · 14/03/2021 13:22

YABU, if anything you should be acknowledging mil, not the other way around! 🤔

Coffeeandcocopops · 14/03/2021 13:25

It’s not, thankfully a National “thank you “ day. It is Mother’s Day. This means children acknowledge it for their mother. If they are too young then hopefully some other adult, hopefully the father, will help them.

It’s not for in-laws, friends, teachers, etc to sort it out. My mother died when I was young so I know how you feel but it still doesn’t mean your In laws have to sort it out.

Did your DH get you and his mother a gift?

SilverBirchWithout · 14/03/2021 13:26

Exactly what I thought Miaow. I also can’t help wondering whether OP was the one expected to get MIL something (on his behalf).

Even if that’s not what he’s done. It’s still profoundly thoughtless to point out to his vulnerable DF, a perceived slight by MIL. If he genuinely thought it would be nice for his parents to acknowledge the day, he could have discretely texted them to suggest they make contact in some way.

I don’t often say this as it’s vastly over used, but sounds like OP has a DH problem rather than an issue with her MIL.