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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws not bothering on mother’s day

350 replies

Kkpab86 · 14/03/2021 08:22

Ok please don’t shoot me....
Before I make a complete tit out of myself I just wanted to ask your opinions on whether in-laws should acknowledge Mother’s Day? For the sake of brevity I’ll keep it short;
It’s my first Mother’s Day, DD is 5 months old and like many mothers I went through the whole of pregnancy alone and the last 5 months alone - as in no help/support bubbles from family. I have no parents and my dear aunt, the closest person to a mother, sadly died of cancer 2 months ago. I just thought with everything my DH and I have been through this past year that they would at least make some sort of an effort/acknowledge me as a new mother to their only grandchild? Am I being unreasonable? The funny thing is it was DH who brought it up and the more I think about it the sadder I feel.
Thank you.

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 14/03/2021 11:27

They shouldn't be celebrating you on your first mothers day. You are not their mother/mother-in-law/step mother. It is up to your dh to make you feel special on mothers day on behalf of your dc until they are old enough to do it themselves, not make you feel worse by shifting some weird idea of accountability to make you feel special onto others.

If you are close and it is the first mothers day without your mum, it would be thoughtful of them to briefly acknowledge how difficult it can be. If not close, then I wouldn't expect it at all.

Today is my first mothers day without my mum, if someone sends a message to acknowledge it it would be thoughtful, but I am not waiting/expecting them, that is the last thing on my mind today.

TwinMumSuperHero · 14/03/2021 11:27

I was a tiny bit miffed my MIL sent my DH a card on Father's day - my job! It felt like she didn't trust me to do it but really I think she just liked the picture on the front and it was timely to send it then
They can't win Wink

beyondtheshoe · 14/03/2021 11:29

@Candyfloss99

No if anything you should be celebrating her as your mother in law. You are in no way a mother to her, you're a daughter.
Technically you have a point, but I wouldn't push it though!

MIL have 1 birthday a year, surely that's enough to celebrate them Grin

GoneCrazy · 14/03/2021 11:29

In my family I say Happy Mother’s Day to my Mum, Grandmother, my Aunties (esp those who are not mother’s) and I even say it to my cousins etc

My mother in law I said Happy Mother’s Day to and she said it back to me.

I don’t think my Mother in law has ever just said it to me but we’ve often spent Mother’s Day with her and my other SILs. As your situation is unique I think maybe there could have been some recognition but I’m not sure they would have thought it and it would not have been intentional to ignore you.

Zig4zag · 14/03/2021 11:29

I am totally against mothers day (along with various other guilt tripping extortion days). It is sad people aren't being appreciative of you in general on every other day of the year.

Ohnomoreno · 14/03/2021 11:30

Welcome to motherhood. The most thankless job in the world. Mother's Day usually makes it worse because you have some basic expectations of gratitude that are never met. And if they are, it only reminds you how thankless it is the rest of the time.

Liz79 · 14/03/2021 11:34

Awwww op. I think a little text from them to say happy mothers day would have been nice.

Maybe when she calls his mum you will speak to mil and both wish each other happy mothers day, thats what happened here with ex mil

Evidencebased · 14/03/2021 11:34

You're not their mother.
So would be seriously wierd.

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 14/03/2021 11:34

Your in-laws are not your mother it is not their responsibility. Your DH should be organising Mothering Sunday on behalf of your DC.

Meezer2 · 14/03/2021 11:37

Sorry for your loss.
I hope you have a lovely Mother's Day with your baby... 💐

beyondtheshoe · 14/03/2021 11:37

@Ohnomoreno

Welcome to motherhood. The most thankless job in the world. Mother's Day usually makes it worse because you have some basic expectations of gratitude that are never met. And if they are, it only reminds you how thankless it is the rest of the time.
the world doesn't owe you any thank Confused

No one cares or has to care because you chose to reproduce, a mother is not special. It's a very private family celebration, from your own children - financed, and possibly encouraged, by their dad especially when the kids are little.

If you are worried your children are thankless, change that and get them involved (age appropriate manner )

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/03/2021 11:39

I don't think you are unreasonable to be a bit sad - but it is probably unreasonable to expect PILs to acknowledge you on Mother's Day, that's for your DH to do.

I'm so sad for you that you've lost your lovely aunt - and having a baby with no support can't have been easy either. But I don't know many people whose ILs would get involved for mother's day (or most other "days" that are't birthdays or Christmas), so I think it's fair enough.

If your DH has an issue with it though, he should chat to his mum.

Lovemusic33 · 14/03/2021 11:42

Sorry but YABU, it’s up to your husband to get you something from the baby and to spoil you (breakfast in bed maybe), nothing to do with the rest of the family.

This year is the first time I have got a gift from my dd, she’s 17 and has autism, being a single parent has meant I haven’t had a dh to go and buy gifts from the dc or to bring me breakfast in bed, it’s not up to the rest of the family to make up for that. I don’t need people to thank me for being a mum, it’s something I chose to do. I don’t even have my dc with me today.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 14/03/2021 11:45

OP, did your in-laws acknowledge you when you had your baby, when it was born? That's the time for them to acknowledge and celebrate you as a new mum. Mother's day is for your child to do it - and your husband in the meantime.

Your husband - if pushing for this acknowledgement for mothers day - sounds like a bit of a twit. He need to be doing something for his mum today - and for you too. Your in-laws put their feet up today - and so should you be doing.

I'm sorry about your own parents. I think it's notable days that hit it home that we don't have them any longer. Thanks

GreyhoundG1rl · 14/03/2021 11:45

Your dh should be acknowledging his mother; his mother has no reason to acknowledge you...

WeAllHaveWings · 14/03/2021 11:54

@Ohnomoreno

Welcome to motherhood. The most thankless job in the world. Mother's Day usually makes it worse because you have some basic expectations of gratitude that are never met. And if they are, it only reminds you how thankless it is the rest of the time.
I don't need thanks from anyone but my own child who is now 17 and although it is not done in big extravagant ways he does show his appreciation and I know he loves and respects me, that same way I did my mum before me.

I chose to have a child, anything that happens on mothers day is between me and my child no one else, although dh helped him along with a basic card and choccies most years when younger.

Who are you missing this gratitude or thanks from? It is a time for children to thank their mum in a way appropriate for their age, all that matters is a big hug and a "happy mothers day". Maybe you should relook at your expectations of the day.

Doyouavocado · 14/03/2021 11:54

I’m really confused as to why you would expect your in laws to get involved?

Laila747 · 14/03/2021 11:57

I’d find it odd if my in laws did anything for me for Mother’s Day.
I can imagine you must feel quite upset about it all but it really isn’t their place to do anything. Your DH should have arranged something nice for you, not your in laws.

Wanderlust20 · 14/03/2021 11:57

My MIL wouldn't think to do that, she doesn't bother with me at any other ocassion so I'd be shocked if she thought of anyone else but herself.

My DH's step mum though would. In fact, she wished me a happy mother's day today, which I was, really touched by (I'm pregnant). Wasn't expecting it!

So really depends on the person and your relationship with them but TBH, I put YABU as I don't think it's usual for in laws.

Icecreamsoda99 · 14/03/2021 12:08

Why did your husband bring it up? What an peculiar thing to do. He mentioned it to you, why couldn't he have mentioned it to them instead of making you feel more shit than you do already given a very hard few months.

^This, If he was upset with them for not mentioning it he could have spoken to them in private, fwiw I wouldn't expect my in laws to acknowledge it

Figgygal · 14/03/2021 12:11

Sorry op but you’re way off with this one

MorganKitten · 14/03/2021 12:13

Your DH should have sorted something from your child for you, not his family.

m0therofdragons · 14/03/2021 12:15

The only involvement in laws have on Mother’s Day is dh sending flowers and calling his mum. I’d be totally confused if they did anything for me - dh and dc do that.

FlickeringHugs · 14/03/2021 12:24

Thats your DHs job I feel. Your MIL may also be concerned about crossing a line (in regards to the ladies in your life sadly passing) by jumping in so quickly.

Also, you send MIL & SMIL flowers because its their day. You are thanking them for being mother figures to your DH. As your DC (and OH) are thanking you for everything you do for them as a mother role.

Im wondering if theres a back story to this as it seems very off centre.

RedToothBrush · 14/03/2021 12:27

@Kkpab86

Whoa whoa ladies what’s with all the mean messages? I never said I expected them to make a fuss of me on Mother’s Day, but just asked whether the first one should be acknowledged like with a card. We’ve sent both mil and step mil flowers, choccies and card. It’s my first Mother’s Day but thanks for putting me in my place!
BUT.ITS.NOT.FOR.THEM.TO.DO.THIS!

Its only for children to do for their mothers (or partners to do on behalf of their children for the mother of their child)

Its got fuck all to do with grandparents / inlaws