To want to go to bed at the same time as partner?

[LifeIsAnArt]

Background: husband and I lead busy lives (both working full time) and have young children.

Often I would go up to bed first and my husband wouldn't be in bed til midnight or past midnight.

Last week I only recall a single night when we went to bed around the same time (though my husband begs to differ).

Today I broached the topic of making an effort to go to bed around the same time. I don't expect this to happen every day, but more days than not would be good. Husband was defiant and snapped that he's already making an effort and I shouldn't expect him to go to bed same time as me every day. Said it's "suffocating" that I should make such demand on him, he has no freedom. I did not take this well and am feeling upset.

Prior to this, one night I was going up to bed and asked him when he was going to come up as it was already late, and he lost it and told me to stop being controlling as he had stuff to do. After that I never asked him again. I can't believe that something endearing as asking your partner when they're going to sleep can be taken as offensive and controlling.

AIBU to want my husband to go to bed at the same time as me most days? We're both so busy during the day and I see bedtime as precious bonding time. But maybe I'm being unrealistic and controlling, according to my husband. Tbh it's more the way he reacted that really put me off. Interested to hear ppl's thoughts.

It’s completely normal for couples to go to bed together especially in tge early stages of a relationship, however, this usually changes with babies and breastfeeding. You need to go to bed as early as you can at the moment and stop worrying about him. You are breastfeeding and sleep deprived and need to think of yourself.

I can see how he likes me time when you have gibe to bed but when is your me time. This is often the situation when the mum has to go to bed early to see to babies, early mornings and DH stays up but it is all very one way.

All this said, his attitude towards you is not good. Accusing you of nagging when you want to be together is mean and heartless. I am not sure how much ‘pressure’ you have put on him but it doesn’t sound like a lot from your post. It sounds like he is struggling with demands of a young family and not embracing it together with you.

Hopefully, he will come through but I have to say tge way he speaks to you doesn’t bode well for the future.

As long as you have together times outside of bed time, and you are having regular day time and/or evening sex, I don't see a problem.

Otherwise you might wish to consider things.

Yabu

Also agree with this:

*I'm sitting here at 12.40am (untypically for me) but relishing the fact that everyone is in bed and I can go undisturbed on Mumsnet, YouTube, Instagram and even TikTok etc.

I love my DH, but I also love having a couple of hours to myself. I just think maybe he needs the same, but it doesn't mean he loves you any less IMO.*

@AlexaShutUp I guess it’s part of our routine now so I can’t think that I ever would, unless I had a deadline or something but then that would be a one off, which would be ok. If I wanted to sit up alone watching tv regularly, after he had gone to bed, he would be quite unhappy.
I can see his position though, you want to go to bed, it takes you a while to fall asleep and then someone comes into the room and disturbs you. You lose the value of getting to bed early.

[quote ItsMarch]@AlexaShutUp I guess it’s part of our routine now so I can’t think that I ever would, unless I had a deadline or something but then that would be a one off, which would be ok. If I wanted to sit up alone watching tv regularly, after he had gone to bed, he would be quite unhappy.
I can see his position though, you want to go to bed, it takes you a while to fall asleep and then someone comes into the room and disturbs you. You lose the value of getting to bed early.[/quote]
You ‘see his point’ because he’s bullied you into seeing his point.

I’m sorry but he sounds controlling and you sound completely dominated by him. You trot off to bed when he dictates because otherwise he’s angry.

This showed how many posters never worked shifts😁
We once even haven't spoken f2f for a week. I was doing evenings, he was doing mornings.

[quote LifeIsAnArt]**@Twenty21* @Mylittlepea* thank you, and everyone else who doesn't think that I'm being completely mad, and who actually reads the original post where I say that I'm not setting a bedtime for him each night, merely asking if we could work out a way to coordinate our bedtimes more. [/quote]
You said you go up earlier due to being tired and you'd like for you both to go to bed at the same time. You don't want to go later.

So I think that you are actually setting a bedtime ~ not by clock but by yours ! It isn't really a compromise if he comes up with you a few times a week as you mentioned earlier, as he would be coming to bed earlier than he wanted but you would still be going to bed at your favoured time every night !

As @Twenty21, mentioned what is he like generally with intimacy? I ask as someone who was married to man who is a dissmissive avoidance, couldn't tolerate intimacy and spent the whole marriage keeping me at arms length. You state you are both very busy people which is ideal for a partner like that. Some of his strategies included:

Always walking yards in front of me when out including when dog walking or out running together.

Spending all has free time on hobbies at the weekends and insisting they be given special status although he was amateur. Used up most of his holiday on days off but didn't tell me. Worked this one out after the divorce.

We rarely argued but he got his own way through passive aggression. Kept me in the bad guy position at all times especially with other people.

Going to bed hours after me. Finding things to do. Found him one night power filing his hobby equipment over the kitchen sink.

Completely withdrew during my pregnancy. Wouldn't talk about it or make an future plans.

Finding ways to go off on his own during holidays ie getting up very early for the gym , test driving cars or practising his hobby.

Running a mile from anything of an emotional nature. Never had my back and would side with my rotten family to create distance.

Finding things to do to avoid having to greet guests when they came to the house, getting drunk or getting them drunk to keep a distance.

Insisting that I go off and visit or stay with friends to 'get rid' of me. But kept me in line by getting our child to beg me to come home.

It all looked fairly innocuous from the outside but absolutely destroyed my mental health as he would insist I was needy or controlling for trying to create a normal close family. There were clues. His previous relationship, they had been on opposite shifts so rarely saw each other. I wish someone had warned me, would have saved a lot of heartache.

@ItsMarch that’s so controlling. Just because you don’t mind having given in to it it is still controlling. I’d love to hear people ls opinions, who insist on having a shared bedtime. Because it seems blatantly controlling that your husband makes you go to bed with him but when it’s a woman doing it to the husband it’s loving. This won’t be popular probably but if OP doesn’t ever want sex what is wrong with the husband having a bit of time to himself to do what he will. This is NOT shaming the OP for not wanting sex, I am currently in the same boat there. But I know my husband has needs too and why wouldn’t he I would be too the other way around! Infact I think that kind of thing is healthy. If it is the only reason he is staying up then maybe not. I think a PP who says her husband puts her to bed is actually a good compromise. Rather than making DH finish his night earlier than he wants, leave the lights and tv on downstairs, have a bit of a cuddle for 10-15 min, you get to sleep at a time you want, get your cuddle and he gets his time to do what he wants too.

@BaaMooCluckOink I don’t want to derail the OP’s thread, I gave my example because I saw a lot of the responses were so strong that she was being unreasonable and I don’t think she is.
To me, giving up a couple of hours in the evening of ‘me time’ is worth it because it is important to my DH. He is the main earner and does an important job. Me coming to bed later then him disturbs him. I get that. In my example it’s about quality of sleep but in the OP’s example she wants the time together and the closeness. It’s important to her. I don’t understand why her DH’s response to her concerns is to get defensive and essentially go on the attack, instead of looking at a compromise. Surely that’s what makes a successful relationship? Give and take.

[quote ItsMarch]@AlexaShutUp I guess it’s part of our routine now so I can’t think that I ever would, unless I had a deadline or something but then that would be a one off, which would be ok. If I wanted to sit up alone watching tv regularly, after he had gone to bed, he would be quite unhappy.
I can see his position though, you want to go to bed, it takes you a while to fall asleep and then someone comes into the room and disturbs you. You lose the value of getting to bed early.[/quote]
He's not disturbed by your going to bed early, he's conditioned you to his controlling bullshit.

[quote ItsMarch]@BaaMooCluckOink I don’t want to derail the OP’s thread, I gave my example because I saw a lot of the responses were so strong that she was being unreasonable and I don’t think she is.
To me, giving up a couple of hours in the evening of ‘me time’ is worth it because it is important to my DH. He is the main earner and does an important job. Me coming to bed later then him disturbs him. I get that. In my example it’s about quality of sleep but in the OP’s example she wants the time together and the closeness. It’s important to her. I don’t understand why her DH’s response to her concerns is to get defensive and essentially go on the attack, instead of looking at a compromise. Surely that’s what makes a successful relationship? Give and take.[/quote]
She's not willing to compromise by staying up his time, though.

'A couple of hours' of me time is important to me. But I didn't marry a controlling arse and if I had I'd divorce him who expects me to live his way or no way. Nor do I expect the same of him.

[quote ItsMarch]@BaaMooCluckOink I don’t want to derail the OP’s thread, I gave my example because I saw a lot of the responses were so strong that she was being unreasonable and I don’t think she is.
To me, giving up a couple of hours in the evening of ‘me time’ is worth it because it is important to my DH. He is the main earner and does an important job. Me coming to bed later then him disturbs him. I get that. In my example it’s about quality of sleep but in the OP’s example she wants the time together and the closeness. It’s important to her. I don’t understand why her DH’s response to her concerns is to get defensive and essentially go on the attack, instead of looking at a compromise. Surely that’s what makes a successful relationship? Give and take.[/quote]
I agree with you here. Clearly a lot of people are not at all willing to accommodate anything to make their partners happy. If both partners are happy with separate bedtimes then ofc keep the status quo, but if going to bed half an hr or an hr earlier would help with the intimacy and mean a lot to the other person, then surely that is something that can be considered? Or at least spoken about in a calm manner? Note I didn't say to him "can we go to bed by 11pm every night pls" or anything like that. I asked if we could better synchronize our bedtimes, which can be somewhere in the middle for both of us, and doesn't have to be a set time every night. It would be different if I went to bed at 9pm and he midnight, if I had an early night like that I don't expect him to come up at the same time at all. The difference is around an hour or so. Maybe I should have specified that in the beginning as a lot of ppl seem to think I'm forcing him to sleep way before his bedtime, or that I'm doing injustice to an insomniac even. He is not an insomniac and can fall asleep any time. Literally.

@Dacquoise think me and OH are different people in that respect. I can sympathise with your first point - when out with the kids he is often walking way ahead, whereas I'd really have liked to have a chat while walking. When out on holiday/ on the train or whatever, sometimes he would just nap, while I'd have liked to have a chat.

I guess he's someone that has higher needs for personal space, while I'm much more of a people person.

@Dacquoise sorry to hear about your situation, it must have been difficult.

I think his aggressive manner towards you is the problem.

Here it is a mix of everything over the years.
When the children were young and full on I was alwsys in bed for 10. Husband would follow up a bit later.
Then we went for years around the same time.
In the past year sometimes I stay up a bit later but mostly not.

I don't think he sounds particularly kind to you and his aggressive tone says a lot.

I don't think YABU at all. I always go to bed first and read and my partner comes up within the hour.

It is so hard finding time for yourselves when you have young children, but we were in a similar situation to you at one point and started watching a series together a few nights a week and it went from there.

It is not at all controlling to ask if your partner would like to go to bed at a similar time a couple of nights a week!

I think this whole thread is a classic example of each to their own. And no need for judgment. I really don't like the posters who claim that if a couple doesn't go to bed together they will end up divorced, the H is up to no good, lack of intimacy etc, paying for online sex 😂 And the poster who said "we like each other's company" WTF!! Why do you think we got married?? What do you think we do on evenings, mornings, weekends etc?? And to the "research shows" poster, research also shows that you can get a more restful and calmer sleep in your own bed, on your own. FACT! There's research for everything, you just need to find it!

No ones needs are less important than the other so why would I make DH come to bed early?? Why would he make me stay up late?? Of course if it works for someone that is absolutely fine! YAYY for them!! "Let the oxytocin flow" Lovely! I'll let it flow other times, thank you. To make out that there's a relationship flaw unless you go to bed together is complete bollocks!! Maybe you have issues going to bed alone?? Insecurities, not trusting the other to be left alone??

No need for the judgment here, just treat each other as adults who are capable of making their own decisions. Each to their own!

I just wanted to mention it because I was completely oblivious to the reality of the situation and blamed myself for being in such an emotionally cold relationship. It took a lot of therapy and research to find out that I was living with someone incapable of intimacy and who had loads of strategies to hide his 'problem'. Seemed normal to me because of my childhood relationship with my parents. Hopefully this is just a communication issue for you and I wish you the best.

@billy1966

I think his aggressive manner towards you is the problem.

Here it is a mix of everything over the years.
When the children were young and full on I was alwsys in bed for 10. Husband would follow up a bit later.
Then we went for years around the same time.
In the past year sometimes I stay up a bit later but mostly not.

I don't think he sounds particularly kind to you and his aggressive tone says a lot.

Thanks. Yes I'm quite hurt by the way he responded. And I'm shocked by the number of people who think he's reasonable to react in this way, I.e. if their partner made the same request they would have snapped too. That doesn't sound very loving or understanding to me.

He is quick tempered generally though he's come quite a long way since the early days. I've not spoken to him since nor has he to me.

OP, there are so many comments. I just wanted to say I do not think you are controlling/weird/demanding your husbands bedtime . My DP and I tend to go to bed the same time at night, obviously sometimes we don't, but almost always. We both love that time together. We sit in bed, talk, laugh, share funny things with each other we may have seen in the day, and go to sleep with a cuddle. Love it!

I assume you would give and take if your body clocks are quite different. It's being able to have the conversation without getting defensive that is needed. He was probably just unthinkingly irritable and off hand as we all can be so try again. If he persistently won't talk to you about it calmly and you are confident you are approaching it without making demands then that is the real issue.

Husband was defiant and snapped that he's already making an effort and I shouldn't expect him to go to bed same time as me every day. Said it's "suffocating" that I should make such demand on him, he has no freedom. I did not take this well and am feeling upset

Defiant? Telling word....you treat him like a child, no wonder he snapped. I would react badly to being told when to go to bed as well, how controlling of you.

As for some of the insane posters on here..."he must be talking to other women/prostitutes if he doesn't want to go to bed when you tell him"...wtf is wrong with you people?

OP you’re agreeing with everyone who is on your side. I mean that’s obvious anyway. But you are totally dismissive of any other point of view. And you’re changing the narrative to suit. You originally said most nights you wanted him to come to bed at the same time as you. You didn’t want to go any later. Now you’re talking like you just wanted to meet in the middle of your bedtimes a couple of nights a week. That’s more reasonable but I feel like your first post is the way you actually feel about it. Nobody is saying your husband is an insomniac, it’s simply one explanation for why dictating bedtimes isn’t good. Great that your DH can fall asleep at any time. If he wants to.

@ItsMarch just no! I would be worried for a friend if I heard this about them. You go to bed when he insists because he is the main earner! You question why people can’t just take a couple of hours every night to make their partner happy. Without fail? Seven days x 2 hours a night - a full waking day per week doing what your partner INSISTS you do. That’s not about doing something nice I’m sure we all do nice things but no way would I for example sleep an entire Sunday every week because my partner likes to and I’d disturb him if I got up. Come on.

I’ve suffered bad insomnia for numerous reasons and we sleep in different beds to help me. He also goes to bed much later than me as I’m in bed by 9 ish. What we do do is both get into bed for an hour to chat and cuddle etc and then he leaves and goes to watch tv or whatever after. It’s worked really well. We don’t have distractions like tv etc and get intimacy in the dark. Could you try anything like that?