To want to go to bed at the same time as partner?

[LifeIsAnArt]

Background: husband and I lead busy lives (both working full time) and have young children.

Often I would go up to bed first and my husband wouldn't be in bed til midnight or past midnight.

Last week I only recall a single night when we went to bed around the same time (though my husband begs to differ).

Today I broached the topic of making an effort to go to bed around the same time. I don't expect this to happen every day, but more days than not would be good. Husband was defiant and snapped that he's already making an effort and I shouldn't expect him to go to bed same time as me every day. Said it's "suffocating" that I should make such demand on him, he has no freedom. I did not take this well and am feeling upset.

Prior to this, one night I was going up to bed and asked him when he was going to come up as it was already late, and he lost it and told me to stop being controlling as he had stuff to do. After that I never asked him again. I can't believe that something endearing as asking your partner when they're going to sleep can be taken as offensive and controlling.

AIBU to want my husband to go to bed at the same time as me most days? We're both so busy during the day and I see bedtime as precious bonding time. But maybe I'm being unrealistic and controlling, according to my husband. Tbh it's more the way he reacted that really put me off. Interested to hear ppl's thoughts.

Have the opposite problem here. Don't want DH to come to bed same time as because I enjoy reading as it helps me drift to sleep. If he comes at the same time he will annoy me listenning to music loudly on his headphones or even worse talk to me. It wasn't always like this. I used to enjoy staying in bed together chatting but perimenopause means that falling asleep is a struggle and I need my 8 hours.

@CrayonInThreeBits @Meowchickameowmeow I meant work* not worm. No euphemisms. All I meant to say was he comes to bed with me and cuddles even when he isn’t sleepy just because I like it!

I would add though he does come up early for cuddles and adult time then will go back down if he’s still wide awake. It works for us but I understand how it could upset you at times if he’s always up very very late

But you are not being unresonable. Maybe find out why he is so against it. Some people need time alone.

It’s not very nice how he’s speaking to you and I don’t want to make excuses for him but is he stressed or depressed? I had a tough time the last year for various reasons and I really needed the sanctuary of staying up by myself after the family had gone to sleep to have some switch off time alone. As my MH has improved, me and DH’s bedtimes have become more in sync. Is it a new thing or had it always been that way? I think you need a broader conversation about how you’re both feeling rather than focusing on this one thing. This past year has been a tough time for young families.

It’s a tough one. If dh comes to bed after me he turns on lights etc therefore waking me up. Don’t know why he can’t sneak around in the dark like I would. I do get that your partner wants to stay up later if feeling a bit hemmed in but I get you wanting to have some ‘quality cuddle / chat ‘ time. Don’t take it personally is my only advice. Enjoy your sleep while you can.

[quote WizardOfAus]You’ll be pleased to know that Marriage therapists and psychologists are on your side, OP. Studies have shown that going to bed at the same time (at least a few times a week) strengthens a relationship. An excerpt from an article below.

There are many ways to make your relationship bulletproof, such as showing gratitude to each other, going on regular date nights, and constantly surprising each other. However, one of the easiest, yet most effective habits is to go to bed together and have a generous amount of time to connect before you sleep. Even if it means you can only do this a few times per week, you should do it.

For many couples, the time before going to sleep feels the most precious, as it is crucial for cuddling, for talking about life or the kids. According to research published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, during this time, most people felt incredibly relaxed and nurtured as it stimulates feelings of comfort, satisfaction, love, bonding, appreciation, and happiness.

The healthier habits you can cultivate with your spouse, the greater the chance you’ll have of forming a thriving, successful relationship. One key habit is to go to bed together at least a few times a week, with plenty of time to connect before falling asleep.

www.sleepbubble.com/couples-go-to-bed-at-same-time/[/quote]
That's interesting, thanks for sharing. I also remember reading something along those lines and from a personal respective it rings true. I know every relationship is different so this is just how I feel personally.

This has genuinely been an eye opener for dh and I - we go to bed together every night and have done since we moved in together 8 years ago. It hadn't ever really occurred to either of us we wouldn't before 🤷‍♀️

@Twenty21 @Mylittlepea thank you, and everyone else who doesn't think that I'm being completely mad, and who actually reads the original post where I say that I'm not setting a bedtime for him each night, merely asking if we could work out a way to coordinate our bedtimes more.

@Shrivelled

It’s not very nice how he’s speaking to you and I don’t want to make excuses for him but is he stressed or depressed? I had a tough time the last year for various reasons and I really needed the sanctuary of staying up by myself after the family had gone to sleep to have some switch off time alone. As my MH has improved, me and DH’s bedtimes have become more in sync. Is it a new thing or had it always been that way? I think you need a broader conversation about how you’re both feeling rather than focusing on this one thing. This past year has been a tough time for young families.

I think we went to bed together a lot more when we were emotionally closer, in the first few years of the relationship. There was a time during my 2nd pregnancy when he was v stressed with work and often slept late. Think the sleeping apart started then and became routine. That was also the time when we were emotionally very distant due to his stress, which led to bad temper, and I was upset at his being seemingly indifferent during my pregnancy. And the not sleeping together pulled us further apart I think as with two young kids we just found it hard to spend undisturbed time together.

@LifeIsAnArt

Ok I'm intrigued - those couples that have entirely different schedules and hardly ever go to bed together: when do you find the time to be intimate? We have work + children during the day so hardly any time for each other.

I understand why you want to go up at the same time because it is nice, however it is controlling to expect your partner to go to bed early just to suit you.

In answer to your question I go to bed really early and my partner goes really late but usually (though not every time) comes up for a cuddle and chat etc then leaves me to go to sleep when I start nodding off.

I seem to be in the minority here, but I dont think you are being unreasonable no. Personally in my house me &OH go to bed at the same time. Its a time I actually look forward to, going up showering, getting into bed, talking about our day having a snuggle or wven rolling over and going to sleep. Its the intimacy that works for us. Together 15 years, 3 young kids and working. You have to make the effort sometimes. So I wouldnt say you where being unreasonable. Perhaps he doesnt understand or know how much it means to you. Maybe use could come to a compramise. But unless one of us fancies a really early night, we ALWAYS go to bed together, and get up and have tea together in the morning (mon-fri) You have to put in effort to make the commitments I think.

YABU. It is controlling. You're very lucky to be able to go to bed before midnight if you have children. Enjoy it.

My ex-husband insisted on me not staying up late when it was literally the only time I could have to myself (3 kids). One of many tiny straws that broke the camel's back.

Me and my partner typically go up at the same time depending on his shifts. But I would imagine perhaps his response is less of feeling your being controlling but perhaps lockdown is taking its toll? I too do sometimes feel suffocated even though as a household we’ve done the same as we have been for months. Sometimes it gets a bit heavy and it’s nice to be alone and feel like I have breathing space. Sometimes I’d like for the other half to stay up so I can starfish a bit and read in bed!

I know couples who go to bed at the same time every night but we don't. I do point out that my husband may get more sex if he could go to bed at the same time as me but he still goes at least two hours after me usually. Unless it's sex night obv in which case I stay up waaaaaay too late so we go at the same time!

Yes it's weird and controlling, he's a grown up and can go to bed when he likes! DH and I rarely go up at the same time.

Years ago I had a partner who I wanted to go to bed at the same time as me - he wouldn’t. I found out he was cheating. My partner now sometimes doesn’t come to bed with me. I like it and am not worried in the least. Make of that what you will.

One tjing I spotted on this thread is that many people who go at same time wtach stuff so have tablets/tv in bedroom.
I think that makes massive difference tbh, at least it looks like on this thread. We never had tv in bedroom nor have we ever watched stuff on tablet there. Only thing like that was reading to wind down.

My thoughts exactly. Going up to bed early to watch your last hour's telly of the evening together there instead of together in the living room - on an actual telly and sitting on an actual sofa - makes as much sense to me as setting your alarm and both getting up together an hour early so that you can come downstairs and have your last hour's sleep of the night on the sofa.

OP wasn’t demanding anything! She asked her husband to go to bed with her at the same time a few nights a week. Ffs

But it's such a bizarre thing to ask of somebody, unless you're a young child who needs to be comforted as they drift off to sleep.

Supposing (COVID notwithstanding) they both regularly went to the pub together and, half the times, he asked her to have a pint with him instead of the glass of wine she prefers; or expecting her to order the exact same meal and quantity at a restaurant or takeaway - because he likes her to eat the same as he does.

As PPs have said, if she wants them to go to bed at the same time a few nights a week, all she has to do is stay up until he's ready to turn in.

I’m really surprised by these responses. My DH does insist we go to bed at the same time so we do, I’ve always gone with it.
I would prefer to stay up a bit later but that disturbs him, using the bathroom, putting the light on etc. So I respect that and go to bed earlier to accommodate.
It’s not controlling in my mind, it’s considerate.

It wouldn’t kill the DH in this case to do it a couple of nights a week.
Plus him having a massive nap on a Saturday because he’s been up so late isn’t on really.

@ItsMarch

I’m really surprised by these responses. My DH does insist we go to bed at the same time so we do, I’ve always gone with it. I would prefer to stay up a bit later but that disturbs him, using the bathroom, putting the light on etc. So I respect that and go to bed earlier to accommodate. It’s not controlling in my mind, it’s considerate.

It wouldn’t kill the DH in this case to do it a couple of nights a week.
Plus him having a massive nap on a Saturday because he’s been up so late isn’t on really.

Anyone insisting is controlling. What if you can't fall asleep, you just lay there in the dark? Anyone treating insomnia will tell you if you suffer from insomnia, to never just lay in bed.

I had an ex who tried to insist we always go to bed at the same time. Also that I sleep naked. That was when it was over. No one insists on how I go to bed. I'm not 5.

I think YABU. Since having a baby we never go to bed at the same time, im usually done by 8pm and would never dream of making him go to bed at that time.

YANBU! There are studies that show that going to bed at the same time is positive for your relationship - myself and my DP go to bed at the same time each night unless one of us is on a bender binge watching something - but that’s an exception to the rule. Are you in lockdown? I know that I find myself wanting to carve out alone time with both of us wfh and together 100% of the time - so perhaps right now with the COVID situation he feels that the staying up late is his alone time. I’m not sure there’s much you can do it he’s got it in his head that you’re being controlling though so you might just have to park that wish! But definitely going to bed together is better for the relationship so your instincts are spot on to want this! X

@ItsMarch

I’m really surprised by these responses. My DH does insist we go to bed at the same time so we do, I’ve always gone with it. I would prefer to stay up a bit later but that disturbs him, using the bathroom, putting the light on etc. So I respect that and go to bed earlier to accommodate. It’s not controlling in my mind, it’s considerate.

It wouldn’t kill the DH in this case to do it a couple of nights a week.
Plus him having a massive nap on a Saturday because he’s been up so late isn’t on really.

Why do you let him make you do what he wants?

I stay up till 11/12 every day and my DH goes to bed about 9. No way would I go up that early or expect him to stay up for me.

How weird!!

This has been eye opening for me! We have been married 16yrs and have always gone bed at the same time. Not a specific time, if we were watching TV together obviously at the end of what we were watching. If doing separate things would have a quick chat about roughly when each other want to bed and go then. It’s my fave time of day chatting, cuddling, laughing, physical intimacy etc. I think I would really struggle without it, I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all! I would really worry about our relationship if this changed although it clearly works fine for lots of people!