To want to go to bed at the same time as partner?

[LifeIsAnArt]

Background: husband and I lead busy lives (both working full time) and have young children.

Often I would go up to bed first and my husband wouldn't be in bed til midnight or past midnight.

Last week I only recall a single night when we went to bed around the same time (though my husband begs to differ).

Today I broached the topic of making an effort to go to bed around the same time. I don't expect this to happen every day, but more days than not would be good. Husband was defiant and snapped that he's already making an effort and I shouldn't expect him to go to bed same time as me every day. Said it's "suffocating" that I should make such demand on him, he has no freedom. I did not take this well and am feeling upset.

Prior to this, one night I was going up to bed and asked him when he was going to come up as it was already late, and he lost it and told me to stop being controlling as he had stuff to do. After that I never asked him again. I can't believe that something endearing as asking your partner when they're going to sleep can be taken as offensive and controlling.

AIBU to want my husband to go to bed at the same time as me most days? We're both so busy during the day and I see bedtime as precious bonding time. But maybe I'm being unrealistic and controlling, according to my husband. Tbh it's more the way he reacted that really put me off. Interested to hear ppl's thoughts.

He is gaming or watching porn or sex chatting with a prostitute otherwise he wouldn’t have reacted so violently.
Let him do what he wants and you Fi no s your own life.

I would find it very controlling to be expected to go to bed at the same time as my partner every night! We all have different body clocks
Grow up! You’re no longer a baby!

He's probably watching porn.

He is usually pretty considerate but inevitably it's still disruptive.

I dont go bed the same time as my husband. In fact i make sure to go up an hr later atleast. I need to recharge and relax on my own. Do u hav kids? If u do then theres more reason to have alone time.

He is gaming or watching porn or sex chatting with a prostitute otherwise he wouldn’t have reacted so violently.

That suggestion has eerie overtones of controlling husbands and boyfriends who demand their wives/girlfriends never dress up or wear make-up for nights out with their friends - and then treat it as a clear admission of guilt that they're off having an affair if they dare to 'disobey'.

There are hundreds of perfectly normal mundane things that he could be doing, but because he gets angry when he's constantly nagged about when he should be ready to go to bed, it's assumed he simply must be up to no good.

I wonder what percentage of all men in general spend their nights before bed watching TV, listening to music, reading, gaming, messaging their mates, doing their hobby, just chilling - even catching up with work emails - as opposed to the percentage who are chatting online to prostitutes....

My DH does insist we go to bed at the same time so we do, I’ve always gone with it.
I would prefer to stay up a bit later but that disturbs him, using the bathroom, putting the light on etc. So I respect that and go to bed earlier to accommodate.
It’s not controlling in my mind, it’s considerate.

What kinds of things does he do - that use up potentially an hour or two of his time that he'd otherwise have to himself - in order to accommodate you?

Sorry, but he is being controlling. I think your use of the word 'does' simultaneously confirms and minimises that fact.

YANBU! There are studies that show that going to bed at the same time is positive for your relationship

There are also studies that show having lots of sex all the time helps to strengthen a relationship. Does that mean that anybody who might be 'under the impression' that they don't want it sometimes is being unreasonable and silly not to live their lives by what studies tell them are for their own good?

Why should one partner stay up later than normal, therefore be more tired, in order to get the intamacy or cuddling or whatever? It's less likely to happen later cos they'll be ready to fall asleep. Whereas if the late bedtime partner goes to bed early every now and then both partners benefit.

DH and I don't have a TV in the bedroom, just for anyone tallying this for statistical purposes.

I’m really surprised by these responses. My DH does insist we go to bed at the same time so we do, I’ve always gone with it. I would prefer to stay up a bit later but that disturbs him, using the bathroom, putting the light on etc. So I respect that and go to bed earlier to accommodate. It’s not controlling in my mind, it’s considerate.

So @ItsMarch, what would happen if you insisted on staying up later one night? How about if you insisted that he stay up later with you?

If he insists on you going to bed when you would rather stay up later, how is that not controlling?

Whereas if the late bedtime partner goes to bed early every now and then both partners benefit.

For the late partner, "benefit" there having the unusual meaning of either A) "a quick chat/cuddle followed by lying awake for hours in the dark next to a sleeping partner, either bored out of their skull, or trying to keep themselves occupied without disturbing the other person", or B) "interrupting whatever they were doing so they can go to bed to have a chat/cuddle for a few minutes, then having to somehow avoid disturbing their partner while getting back out of bed, going to do their thing for however long it takes to get tired, and then getting back into bed again".

Yeah @CrayonInThreeBits, I don't really see the benefits from the late sleeper's point of view at all!

Is the late sleeper supposed to find joy in gazing lovingly at their sleeping partner or something?

I'll retain my independence, thanks.

I would really worry about our relationship if this changed although it clearly works fine for lots of people!

It works fine for other people, because we don’t limit chats, intimacy, catching up with each other, and other bonding just to bedtime.

We do it throughout the day, so no biggie.

As usual, MN provides me with my daily dose of ‘DH appreciation’.

So glad he doesn’t expect me to align my bedtime with his, and when he comes to bed later than me, he does so quietly, so that he doesn’t wake me up.

I thought such consideration was a baseline expectation, but apparently not. Some partners on this thread sound either really controlling, or like absolute oafs, crashing and thumping around.

As usual, MN provides me with my daily dose of ‘DH appreciation’.

Yep. MN often reminds me to be grateful for stuff that I would otherwise take for granted. Like being allowed to sleep when I feel like it.

Anyone else currently posting from the sofa while their DP is snoozing away in bed?

No, as it happens, I'm snuggled up in my nice warm bed upstairs while dh is still chilling on the sofa downstairs.

13 years together and I can honestly count on one hand the times we've gone to bed at the same time by choice! Unless we're in a hotel with the kids, it just doesn't happen. I'd be getting narky too if my husband made a big thing out of it

For an insomniac, there is no benefit at all in going to bed before you’re ready to sleep just because your partner wants you both to go to bed together. You just end up lying awake whilst your partner sleeps peacefully by your side.
Much better to say goodnight and then go back to what you were doing, and then go to bed when you’re ready to sleep.

@Mittens030869

For an insomniac, there is no benefit at all in going to bed before you’re ready to sleep just because your partner wants you both to go to bed together. You just end up lying awake whilst your partner sleeps peacefully by your side. Much better to say goodnight and then go back to what you were doing, and then go to bed when you’re ready to sleep.

Yes in fact the current medical advice for insomnia is precisely to get up and potter rather than lying in bed wide awake. I suppose so as not to form a psychological association between bed and wakefulness.

So yes, I would get a bit pissy if my DH made a big thing about us going to bed at the same time. It doesn’t automatically mean there’s something to hide! (But a typical assumption on MN!)

It would be different if the OP had mentioned actual reasons to be suspicions, but she hasn’t.

I'm sitting here at 12.40am (untypically for me) but relishing the fact that everyone is in bed and I can go undisturbed on Mumsnet, YouTube, Instagram and even TikTok etc.

I love my DH, but I also love having a couple of hours to myself. I just think maybe he needs the same, but it doesn't mean he loves you any less IMO.

Ok, I'm gonna put myself out there. Me and dh hardly ever go to bed at the same time. We have been practising attachment parenting for nearly nine years. Our eldest son has autism and now my husband has a bed in his room and I co sleep with the smaller ones. But our children go to bed so we get a chance for a cuddle, we do have plenty of intamacy. How long have you been together?

CrayonInThreeBits

Whereas if the late bedtime partner goes to bed early every now and then both partners benefit.

For the late partner, "benefit" there having the unusual meaning of either A) "a quick chat/cuddle followed by lying awake for hours in the dark next to a sleeping partner, either bored out of their skull, or trying to keep themselves occupied without disturbing the other person", or B) "interrupting whatever they were doing so they can go to bed to have a chat/cuddle for a few minutes, then having to somehow avoid disturbing their partner while getting back out of bed, going to do their thing for however long it takes to get tired, and then getting back into bed again".

Oh Crayoninthreebits !

I could not have expressed it any better myself! I feel as though you have reached inside my thoughts and pasted them all on here (as above exactly!)
Recently I have despaired of ever finding myself thinking on the same lines as anyone on MN - too much uniform Mumsy DD DS DH - thank you for lifting that doubt.
I have lain looking at the ceiling, counting sheep, trying not to wriggle or wake DH in any way while getting more and more wound up while he’d sleeps on blissfully.
Of course the moment I feel I can no longer stand the stiffness and decide to try and slide out of the covers down to the sofa, the rhino snores stop and DH angrily asks “where are you going waking me up? For FS!”
I’ll be sleeping somewhere, anywhere on my own

I'm glad my post inspired some fellow-feeling, Isthis — it's a difficult situation.
I think one of the things that complicates mixed-chronotype relationships is an insidious, almost subconscious societal background belief that being a morning person is somehow morally better than being a night owl, and people with a late body clock are just indulging themselves or lack discipline. I'm not saying this is a conscious belief that early-bedtimers hold, just that it's something that floats in the background of our culture, making disagreements more difficult to untangle. For example, TimeForTeaAndG's post that I quoted earlier suggested that it'd be unreasonable to expect the early sleeper to stay awake once in bed for long enough to get the benefits of the shared bedtime if it was very late, while glossing over the difficulties for the late sleeper in going to bed too early when they're not ready to sleep. I don't think Time deliberately did that, it's just a consequence of a general mild societal disapproval of later chronotypes, all mixed up with ideas that night owls probably could sleep at a time a morning person would consider reasonable, if they tried, but are instead choosing to stay up late like a grumpy child who doesn't want to go to bed yet and miss the fun.

I used to have an extreme late chronotype, with my natural sleep period being from around 4am to midday, but years of forcing myself to try to live by society's schedule broke my sleep pattern somehow, and now I freewheel, entirely unentrained to natural day/night patterns and usual sleep/wake period lengths. Which is a lot worse!

You can’t tell a grown man when to go to bed 🤨 Me and my partner do go to bed at the same time but if he wanted to stay up or I wanted to stay up, it wouldn’t even be an issue for either of us! I’m not surprised he’s pissed off