To want to go to bed at the same time as partner?

[LifeIsAnArt]

Background: husband and I lead busy lives (both working full time) and have young children.

Often I would go up to bed first and my husband wouldn't be in bed til midnight or past midnight.

Last week I only recall a single night when we went to bed around the same time (though my husband begs to differ).

Today I broached the topic of making an effort to go to bed around the same time. I don't expect this to happen every day, but more days than not would be good. Husband was defiant and snapped that he's already making an effort and I shouldn't expect him to go to bed same time as me every day. Said it's "suffocating" that I should make such demand on him, he has no freedom. I did not take this well and am feeling upset.

Prior to this, one night I was going up to bed and asked him when he was going to come up as it was already late, and he lost it and told me to stop being controlling as he had stuff to do. After that I never asked him again. I can't believe that something endearing as asking your partner when they're going to sleep can be taken as offensive and controlling.

AIBU to want my husband to go to bed at the same time as me most days? We're both so busy during the day and I see bedtime as precious bonding time. But maybe I'm being unrealistic and controlling, according to my husband. Tbh it's more the way he reacted that really put me off. Interested to hear ppl's thoughts.

I've not spoken to him since nor has he to me

That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me at all.

If he genuinely snapped at you because of a single, one-off question, then I agree that he was being unreasonable. However, I don't believe that it was a one-off question - he said that he was "already making an effort", which implies previous conversations - and he snapped because he was fed up of being put under pressure.

@BaaMooCluckOink

OP you’re agreeing with everyone who is on your side. I mean that’s obvious anyway. But you are totally dismissive of any other point of view. And you’re changing the narrative to suit. You originally said most nights you wanted him to come to bed at the same time as you. You didn’t want to go any later. Now you’re talking like you just wanted to meet in the middle of your bedtimes a couple of nights a week. That’s more reasonable but I feel like your first post is the way you actually feel about it. Nobody is saying your husband is an insomniac, it’s simply one explanation for why dictating bedtimes isn’t good. Great that your DH can fall asleep at any time. If he wants to.

@ItsMarch just no! I would be worried for a friend if I heard this about them. You go to bed when he insists because he is the main earner! You question why people can’t just take a couple of hours every night to make their partner happy. Without fail? Seven days x 2 hours a night - a full waking day per week doing what your partner INSISTS you do. That’s not about doing something nice I’m sure we all do nice things but no way would I for example sleep an entire Sunday every week because my partner likes to and I’d disturb him if I got up. Come on.

Ok let me clarify. When I approached him about it, I asked if we could better synchronize our bedtimes. Context: it was way before bedtime, just having a chat, that was the first line I said.

He then said he was already making an effort and said I need to count for him how many days we did or did not sleep together the past week. From my memory there was one night we slept together, so I said that. He begged to differ, and said I need to tell him for certain which days he did or did not. Then proceeded to say it was suffocating for him. It sounded quite ridiculous to me.

I'd like it if we could sleep together more days than not, but I didn't specify this when I asked him. This was a question posted to MNet users, to ask if it's reasonable to expect to sleep together more times than not.

Surely the bed is for sleeping in, or having sex in? If you don't want to do either, then why go to bed? Just have a quick cuddle before you go up to bed. Sorted. It worries me that you think your controlling behaviour is 'endearing' and makes me wonder if there's a lot more to this?

@AlexaShutUp

I've not spoken to him since nor has he to me

That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me at all.

If he genuinely snapped at you because of a single, one-off question, then I agree that he was being unreasonable. However, I don't believe that it was a one-off question - he said that he was "already making an effort", which implies previous conversations - and he snapped because he was fed up of being put under pressure.

If you look at my original post I said I had asked him on a prior occasion when he was coming up to bed. He snapped. I was taken aback and asked what was wrong with the question.

On a following post, I mentioned that even earlier, he was found to have been watching porn while he was up late at night. When confronted, he said it's due to the lack of sex we had so he was justified to do that. I said that I'd appreciate it if we could sleep together to make room for intimacy (I lost my sex drive after pregnancy/ childbirth but still wanted intimacy, cuddles in bed etc which might actually help me rekindle my sex drive). He agreed to not staying up so late to watch porn and our sex life went back to normal for a while.

Recently though it's reverted back to him staying up late.

Such is the extent of our previous conversations.

The thing I don't understand, OP, is why he would have felt that he needed to make an effort if you had never spoken about this (or at least hinted about it) previously.

I also find it hard to believe that someone would say that they feel suffocated as the result of a one-off question. I'm sure it isn't intentional, but perhaps you are unwittingly putting him under more pressure than you think - maybe about bedtime, or maybe about other stuff and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back?

I do have sympathy fwiw. Having young children puts a strain on relationships and it's easy to blame each other for the stress - especially if one partner is not fully pulling their weight, and your comment about his daytime nap the other day makes me wonder if he is sharing the load equally. However, focusing in on little stuff like what time he goes to bed is not going to fix that. You've said that you haven't spoken to each other since the incident that you wrote about in your OP. I would respectfully suggest that learning to communicate with each other calmly and effectively will have a much bigger impact on the happiness of your relationship in the long term than going to bed at the same time a few times each week. If I have learned anything from my long marriage to DH, it is the importance of choosing my battles wisely.

X post, but my point kind of still stands

Can you not just have a cuddle when he does come up to bed? I nearly always go to bed earlier than DP but when he comes to bed we’ll have a little cuddle for 10 minutes while I’m half asleep and he’s drifting off. We also cuddle up on the sofa in the evening and when we’re together during the day with DD we’re still silly and affectionate with each other. It sounds like you’re equating your lack of physical intimacy and affection with not going to bed at the same time, but actually there’s lots of other opportunities to get that closeness throughout the day.

I think there is a deeper problem here than bedtimes and that is what you are hoping will fix it. I think you’ve drip fed us a bit maybe unintentionally because I think you’d made it out that you’ve only ever spoken to him twice about this. But then now it has came out that actually it’s already been an issue before. So while he shouldn’t snap at you, this is not the first time it’s been brought up and is probably defensive. It explains why you ‘wanted a calm conversation’ with him about it, because it’s already been a bone of contention. Ask him what he thinks you should do do have nice time together. Start with the view that bed time doesn’t matter but quality time does. Anything that can build your relationship back up just now to the point where intimacy becomes natural again. I don’t think forcing him (and when I say forcing I don’t mean policing I mean what is the point in him lying in bed with you when he’s rather be watching tv) will help. You will physically be closer to him but potentially it would become resentful. What about starting with sometimes a bit of a cuddle and then he can go back downstairs after rather than a lights out type thing.

You lost your sex drive which is fair enough but your DP clearly said it was a problem for him. Why haven’t you asked for support in fixing this?. Getting no psychological or counselling support for an issue your DP has with you while ‘Offering cuddles’ and banning porn / late bed times is just making you sound like a controlling knob.

Thanks all, esp. those who have been kind in their replies and are genuinely keen to offer their perspectives in order to help.

Think there isn't much point to continue the discussion now since I'm aware this is part of a much larger issue. We aren't very intimate or affectionate (if you look at my previous posts our relationship suffered since having children). In fact I often feel we're more like housemates than a loving couple. Think I fell out of love because of how he was not pulling his weight with the children and because of his temper, too. It's been hard to communicate. He is doing a lot more now with the children and I'm not complaining in that respect, but it will take time for my affection to return (if ever?).

I suppose trying to sleep together was my hope of bringing in more intimacy.

My husband goes to bed at 10 pm. I always go to bed around 12 midnight. He doesn’t mind; he’s asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

I think going to bed together / at the same time is really important. It's when you have a chat, a cuddle, just hang out distraction free. I can count on one hand the number of times DP and I have gone to bed at different times in our six year relationship.

We always go to bed together, we cuddle on the couch and then same again bed. We do the same when we awake.
We both just like being close, it's great for intimacy.

Obviously people behave and feel differently.

If you want your affection to return then go to counseling or talk like adults. Stop trying to manage him or control him like a child.

I'm sure you have plenty of legitimate grievances but one of my best friends is like this. She is always very "reasonable" but you can already tell she has these outcomes in her mind she is trying to steer your towards without actually just SAYING what she wants. It's incredibly annoying and you end up getting snappy because you can see the invisible strings and most adults hate being managed.

By doing this at your DH, you give him no say. You get to define what "intimacy" is. You get to define what "saves your marriage". You want real intimacy, sit down and have an equal real conversation.

Also it's hilarious that you want him to literally sleep 1 hour earlier every day, which is losing 7 hours of free time a week and you consider that a worthy sacrifice to try to be closer to YOU. Even though he doesn't want to, he should do it for you but when it comes to sex...you're not interested in doing anything to try to be closer to HIM.

And honestly you seem to view intimacy in such a transactional way. He puts in 10 slots of intimacy and then what? He gets a shot at sex. Do you know what intimacy even is? If you want intimacy, why don't you start by being honest. Instead of dictating that he has to come to bed to have "intimacy" why don't you model real intimacy by having a real conversation (that includes listening) rather than trying to persuade him to do what will make you happy?

@LittleGwyneth it’s importance is really on a couple by couple basis. Your relationship needs it. Others get their time different ways. I find our relationship benefits from us each having a good sleep.

@LifeIsAnArt I think on the whole most people haven’t been unkind just not sharing your viewpoint. That’s the point of asking advice on here is that you will gain something from seeing differing opinions. Remember any bad comments here are in direct relation to asking your husband got to bed at whatever time. Not who you are as a person or anything else. So try not to take it personally. I hope you’ve had some good advice and that even the things you haven’t wanted to hear help in a way. If it had been 100% YANBU you wouldn’t have gained anything other than the encouragement for pushing it rather than taking stock and seeing that actually it’s just one symptom of a bigger problem. And maybe you’d be better trying other ways of fixing it. Long post here but I know I find it difficult on forums because text lacks vocal context and when people disagree it feels like they are ganging up. But many people I’d assume would give the same advice to a friend.

It's not controlling! she ASKED him, she didn't tell him!!

The fact he "lost it" when she asked is more concerning.

@hereyehearye

And honestly you seem to view intimacy in such a transactional way. He puts in 10 slots of intimacy and then what? He gets a shot at sex. Do you know what intimacy even is? If you want intimacy, why don't you start by being honest. Instead of dictating that he has to come to bed to have "intimacy" why don't you model real intimacy by having a real conversation (that includes listening) rather than trying to persuade him to do what will make you happy?

Thanks for the lecture, there was really no need to talk down at another adult like that though.

What I wanted was communication, and it has to start somewhere, so I started with a question. How do you suppose I carry on after his retorts? Not sure who is the one that doesn't want to communicate here.

I absolutely hated my ex-husband's insistence that I went to bed at the same time as him. His justification was that he needed a good night's sleep and I would disturb him when I came to bed but I felt it was (yet another) way of controlling me. Sometimes you just don't feel tired at the same time, and I enjoyed it as time alone so maybe that's what he needs.

Generally me and my DH do go to bed at the same time, just because we've usually pushed it enough that we both need to go to bed then but I really would never expect him to come to bed if he didn't want to. I don't think you can really tell another adult to do that but you can of course talk about how you think it would improve your relationship/intimacy if you did it sometimes?

How do you suppose I carry on after his retorts? Not sure who is the one that doesn't want to communicate here.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like either of you are communicating in a mature and reasonable manner. He feels aggrieved because he thinks you're being controlling. You feel wronged by his snappy retorts, and don't see why you should make the first move to put things right. Ultimately, though, it doesn't really matter who has wronged who, what matters is the future of your marriage and how you are going to move things forward. Have you considered some sort of relationship counselling to help you work some of the issues through?

The only person I tell what time to go to bed is my school age ds, my dh is an adult and can decide what time he goes to bed himself

As long as he was getting up at a decent hour in order to attend to his share of chores / childcare in the morning I wouldn’t try and dictate when he went to bed. Adults need alone time and it’s hard to do that with small kids around. Generally my dp likes an early night and he has his alone time in the mornings - he’s an early riser. I prefer to stay up a bit later an hour after he’s gone to bed to watch my programmes. It keeps us sane.

From some of the OPs comments I'm reading that the husband doesn't actually sleep in the same bed and that's what's more of a problem. A couple of times OP has referred to "sleeping together" which is different to going to bed at the same time.

I think your husbands reaction is excessive. I don’t think you’re being controlling!! It was a simple question, don’t know why he’s jumping down your throat!! And besides all that when do you have sex if you hardly ever go to bed at the same time??