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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to force a haircut on my daughter?

302 replies

pictish · 12/03/2021 15:36

DD has just turned 12. She is already physically well into puberty but she’s still very much a child in all other aspects. She’s a shy, reticent girl who stays well back from the front row but she’s also canny and funny as well as a naturally gifted artist.

One way in which she remains childlike is in her attention to her appearance. She isn’t fussed about it at all. This would be absolutely fine if it were not for the fact that she has bum length greasy hair that she will not care for but that she is incredibly attached to.

Her hair really needs to be washed, dried and simply styled every day. It is a daily battle to get her to even take a brush to it. I leave for work before she gets up in the morning and I simply don’t have time to spend on her lengthy tresses. I have showed her the basics over the last couple of years...ponytail, pleats, bunches, how to clip a fringe back etc. Dh is working from home and repeatedly tells her to brush her hair and tidy herself up but he’s glued to his desk from 8am and can’t spend every minute overseeing her before she starts ‘school’. At 12 she should be doing this by herself. I certainly was.
I have been suggesting she get it cut to a more manageable length for ages. She point blank refuses.

So now I get home from work and realise she’s been online with her class on camera looking an absolute state. It’s not the first time either. Dh had to go out for an on-site visit so he is not here. Omg the hair is bogging. I am mortified for her, she doesn’t care a hoot.

I have sternly issued an ultimatum about the hair, look after it or it gets cut off...but I’ve said that before and haven’t followed through. I know, I know...but I didn’t want to be the mum that forced a haircut on my kid. I hoped the threat would be enough. It’s not. She’s sad, I’m mad and we’ve been here before.

I’m now seeing it as a duty of care to insist on cutting it because I know she’s not about to start taking care of it. She looks dirty and unkempt and I give a fuck about that even if she doesn’t. I’m the adult, I know the lay of the land, I can’t allow her to be seen like that.
It’s just...the thought of the tears spilling while the hair gets gone...oooft, nothing about that feels good. I’m afraid she won’t forgive me.

AIBU to power on through and cut that hair?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 12/03/2021 15:37

How are you going to manage that? Hold her down?

Original poster

pictish · 12/03/2021 15:38

Make a hairdressers appointment (as soon as an feasibly can) and take her to it?
I wasn’t planning on holding her down, no.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 12/03/2021 15:39

And if she says no?

NormanStangerson · 12/03/2021 15:40

I think forcing her to cut all her beloved hair off for the convenience of washing it will result in some pretty serious trust issues.

Stick it out, make her wash it as much as possible and await the image-conscious years of puberty.

bridgetreilly · 12/03/2021 15:40

If her hair is that long, it does not need washing every day. Even if it is getting a bit greasy, it'll be fine in a ponytail or whatever. I would say that it does need trimming, but honestly at the moment, hairdressers aren't even open, so you have to let it go. I would focus more on it being brushed and tidy, and stop worrying about the rest at the moment.

bridgetreilly · 12/03/2021 15:41

I am mortified for her, she doesn’t care a hoot.

I think she's not the one with the problem here, honestly. Appearance just isn't all that important to everyone, and if it isn't, why would you want to force that kind of stress on her?

ChonkyChook · 12/03/2021 15:42

You need to look at why she's not washing or looking after herself.

Could be anything from depression to something more sinister.

Original poster

pictish · 12/03/2021 15:42

@bridgetreilly

I am mortified for her, she doesn’t care a hoot.

I think she's not the one with the problem here, honestly. Appearance just isn't all that important to everyone, and if it isn't, why would you want to force that kind of stress on her?

You haven’t seen it. Trust.

OP posts:

Roob23 · 12/03/2021 15:43

YANBU. I would tell her if she doesn’t wash and brush regularly then it gets cut off. If she doesn’t want to cut it then she needs to wash and brush it. You may find she makes more of an effort as she gets older!

BramStoker · 12/03/2021 15:43

YABU

When she is ready to have it cut she sill let you know. If your DD having greasy hair is your biggest worry as a parent in the middle of a pandemic then things are going pretty well I would say!

Tish008 · 12/03/2021 15:43

Please don't do this, you will not be supporting her right to bodily authority at a very precarious age.

I have bum length hair, it doesn't need daily washing and is a haystack when leftcso I can understand your point but she's still a child and has the rest of her life to be styling her hair for societies expectations of appearance

AIMD · 12/03/2021 15:44

Yabu
I can understand why you might prefer her to cut her hair or to make more effort to be neat.

Forcing a hair cut is an awful idea though. It’s sending the wrong message about who has control over her body, will probably damage your relationship and could be distressing for her.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with talking to her about personal hygiene and how she manages her hair and what might make it easy.

Does she have any mental health needs or other needs that might come into play and make it harder for her to take care of herself.

LolaNova · 12/03/2021 15:44

Good french braids will last days. Why not offer to do that for her instead?

GreyhoundG1rl · 12/03/2021 15:45

No, you can't do that; however much you want to.

M0rT · 12/03/2021 15:46

Could you let her cut it herself following a YouTube video?
She might like the idea more that way, as if she isn't caring for it her attachment to it seems more fear of change than appearance related?
I had very long thick hair at that age and cared for it myself. Although an advantage to the thickness was it only needed washing about twice a week.
Also my DM encouraged the length as cheaper..two trims a year vs bi-monthly hair cuts.
You could buy her own box of bicarbonate of soda/baking soda for dry shampoo and create a routine around managing it also if she really doesn't want it cut?
Tie in rewards if it's brushed and tied up/held back with a hairband by schooltime?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 12/03/2021 15:46

Does she wash/bathe/brush her teeth and keep herself hygienic in other ways?

You can't force a haircut on her. You can put it in a French plait every few days though.

Original poster

pictish · 12/03/2021 15:46

@bridgetreilly

Her hair’s not a bit greasy. It’s very greasy. I have tried this shampoo, that shampoo. I have tried letting it go longer between washes so as not to make it worse. I have spent a lot of energy and thought on this hair over the years. It took a long time to get as long as it is.

OP posts:

Cupoftchaiagain · 12/03/2021 15:46

Can you make it part of the evening routine so u and her dad can have a bit more time to see that it gets done? Even if it’s then been slept on it’ll be better than not touched at all.
I feel your pain I dream of snipping off the long locks of my feral little vagabond, but I have got to persevere and somehow train her to manage it herself.

yikesanotherbooboo · 12/03/2021 15:46

I wouldn't let her know that you are ashamed of the way she looks. Personally, although I might have to grit my teeth a bit, I would concentrate on being positive with her to help with self esteem issues, model expected behaviour subtly and wait it out. It is unlikely to be very long before she is confirming to teenage norms and spending ages in front of the mirror.

Indecisivelurcher · 12/03/2021 15:47

I don't think you should make her get it cut. If you take her to the hairdressers she's either going to cry, which is going to break her trust and mess with the hairdressers head, or she's going to hate you. Can you wash it on a Sunday night and a Wednesday night and French plait or double Dutch braid it when it's wet, make them really tight and indestructible so she can leave in for 2 or 3 days. If it doesn't last that long then her hair will look wavy rather than messy. Give it a couple of years and I'm sure she'll care more about her appearance, probably too much.

MrsGarethSouthgate · 12/03/2021 15:48

Why not get her up when you get up and make her have a shower and wash it? Then at least she is clean - what she does to style it afterwards is up to her.

Apart from getting her up it’s no more work for you. It might be that the early mornings make her decide for herself that a different style is more appealing but that should be her decision at 12.

seadreams · 12/03/2021 15:48

I wouldn’t do it. She would never forget it and it could easily ruin your relationship. You should be teaching her that she has ownership of her own body and nobody (including you) has a right to force her to do something she doesn’t want to do. Talking about personal hygiene with her is a far better option.

Also washing your hair everyday is totally unnecessary and is basically training it to be greasy. Every other day is more than enough!

crayolacom · 12/03/2021 15:49

@bridgetreilly

I am mortified for her, she doesn’t care a hoot.

I think she's not the one with the problem here, honestly. Appearance just isn't all that important to everyone, and if it isn't, why would you want to force that kind of stress on her?

Appearance very much does matter! I wouldn't want people thinking my child is neglected because they have rank hair.

OP - no one needs to wash their hair everyday, can you get her to agree to twice a week?

DaisyWaldron · 12/03/2021 15:49

Get her to wash her hair and either she plaits it in the evening or you do it for her. Then she can just leave it in the plait for the next day. Replait in the evening and work out how often it needs to be washed. And lower your tidiness expectations - moderately clean and a kind of scruffy is fine as long as it's her choice. I have one child who prefers to be scruffy and dirty - we insist on twice weekly hairwashing, enough brushing to prevent big tangles, and try to relax about the rest.

bridgetreilly · 12/03/2021 15:50

Appearance very much does matter! I wouldn't want people thinking my child is neglected because they have rank hair.

She's 12, not 3. No one will think she is neglected. They will think that she doesn't bother to do her own hair.

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